It's my birthday and I'm feeling so disappointed

[BunnyWilliams]

It's my birthday today. My husband didn't get up to help me this morning (he never does but I naively though he might today), so I had to get up and sort the dog and 3 cats and the children with breakfast and getting ready for school while he slept until I went to wake him at 8am. Then, he didn't apologise but blamed his alarm. Hadn't got me anything to open, no card, even for the kids to give to me.
He grovelled at lunchtime and turned up with some flowers and said he wanted to take me to the pub for lunch (with our rather fiesty 2 year old). I reluctantly agreed but it was depressing and I didn't enjoy it.
Then, he profusely promised me that he'd be home at 3.30 to pick up out 2 DS and take all 3 kids to his parents' house for tea so I could have a few hours alone. Did he turn up at 3.30? Nope.
Got back about 5, and announced that he's not taking them out after all. Great. Noisy house it is then.
He then told me he's booked a hotel night away tomorrow which is nice in theory but he's arranged for our childminder and her husband to come and stay to look after the kids. The house is an absolute tip and they'll be sleeping in our bed, so now I'm spending my birthday evening cleaning and tidying the house, which will take hours.
I feel a bit heartbroken to be honest. It feels like he doesn't care about trying to make it even a tiny bit special. I know we've now got the hotel tomorrow, but my birthday is today.
I feel like an idiot. I should have just booked things for myself and taken myself off to have a nice day out without relying on someone else.
To make it even more painful, I've just spent weeks (and nearly all my money) planning a set of gifts and a surprise for Christmas that I know he will love so much. I feel like a chump.
I don't know what I'm hoping from this post, but I don't have anyone else that I can tell and I'm just feeling so sad. It has been such a rubbish birthday 😔

@ihatecoffee is that a thing?! My parents sleep in my 'marital' bed when they stay because it's the nicest bed and we sleep on the blow up!

Has it always been like this for your birthday or just this year?

So, you cannot change what happened today but make sure you make a massive fuss about how you’ve felt and remind him next year a few weeks before your birthday so that he gets his act together!!

Happy birthday to you
It's a crappy he's done it all last minute and the cleaning he should definitely do.
I found with exs and my dB with my birthday being so close to Christmas it's 1 or the other. My dB promised big this year I've not even had a text. I'm cooking dinner but my sons are on clean up.
Have a glass of wine leave him to do the cleaning and everything else and try enjoy the rest of your birthday.

Do this.

I'm sorry OP but your DH is a selfish wanker. I bet it's not the first time?
If my husband acted like this I'd be going bloody nuclear and I promise you it would never happen again.

Feel very sorry for you.

PS flowers and chocs from a husband show zero thought in my book (sorry, don't mean to put the boot in but I'm raging for you and at other MN posters who's bar is far far too low).

Happy Birthday Op 🎂
To another fellow Sagittarius, this is not on!
I would be LIVID with Capitals.
I would tell him about all I planned for his Birthday, 2yrs of savings, Tablet, 2wks of Lie ins , favourite food etc! And your day/ Tomorrow, which he probably thinks he will get lucky 😉. And where he can stick it, and forget his Xmas presents, Socks only!

My DH is like this, OP. And to those saying "Don't bother with his birthday when it comes round" or "Just get him socks for Christmas", if OPs husband is anything like mine he wouldn't be the least bit fazed. He's just not fussed about special days or gifts at all.
After 14 years of me going all out for him, him not being particularly grateful, and then getting nothing in return, what has made it better the last couple years has been:
Putting minimal effort into his presents - not out of spite, but because it was never actually necessary, and
Being explicit about what I want from him for my birthday.

Mine has never had a clue about presents. He wants to be good about it but he has no idea. I gave up giving him presents years ago. On my birthdays I buy myself something and plan my own day. He comes along. It does make me angry but he just has no clue.

Aww OP… No advice but you deserve better lovely.

But it's not about being "crap" at present buying is it?
It's that he forgets very quickly about what OP did for him multiple times and at great expense. Even if he really didn't know what to buy then you ASK?

Even if you don't have the imagination or creativity then you ask what they would like to do weeks in advance?

It really isn't difficult?!
Not if you really care or give a shit?

People have sex in hotel beds too.

The bar is set low here then

been with someone for years and they still don’t know what you like what a lot of bollocks they do know and just can’t be arsed.

do what he does to you @BunnyWilliams nothing see if it does bother him.

I know it did my ex me going flat out and I get nothing or maybe a garage set of flowers. So I stopped, he was right pissed off so I said I was matching you in effort. He looked dumbfounded and said but you’re a woman and like that shit I don’t. Relationship ended soon after.

Sorry OP but he is utterly selfish. Unforgiveable of him to not even organise some gifts from the children. And stuff the last minute booking for a night away in a hotel (which of course he'd get to enjoy too!) whilst your babysitters stay in your bed, meaning extra chores and cleaning for you to do to accommodate them. I would be furious. I'd cancel the babysitters and take myself off tomorrow for lunch, a shopping trip and a nice peaceful night away! Spoil yourself and leave him to get on with it!

I think you need to communicate more about what you want him to do ie think ahead about what jobs need to be done and then do them without you asking

Great idea

Cancel the hotel and work out doing something nice for yourself that you really want to do. Don't rush about cleaning and stressing because of his crappy last minute "gift".

After all, a hotel room for the night is probably about sex and personally I wouldn't be in the mood with someone who had demonstrated so little care for me.

Then return some of his Xmas gifts and rethink what you do for him, as you putting so much effort and money into it is only going cause resentment when he CBA for you.

Is he generally this selfish and thoughtless?

I wouldn't give him the nice stuff for Christmas.
Even you saying you wished he had just sorted the kids in the morning.. even that is such a tiny thing, I mean wow the kids dad is doing their breakfast as a BIRTHDAY gift to you, it's pathetic as a present and he couldn't even manage that.
The other stuff is guilt stuff, he doesn't care. Men know this stuff is important to many women, so they should make the effort.

Not taking kids to get you a card and gift is not ok. I'd be furious. He clearly can't be bothered to do nice things for you. Take all his Xmas gifts back and get him socks as a previous poster suggested. Use the cash to get yourself something nice.

Not good enough.
I'd cancel the hotel , too little too late and cleaning only makes more work for you.
I'd be having a long serious talk though.

Not even buying you a card from him or the kids would actually be the most hurtful thing to me.

Hi, just came across your thread. It’s very similar behaviour in many ways to my husband and I. Just wanted to check you’re ok.

I’ve just had a dire mother’s weekend which had a lovely gesture dangled but when it came to the execution of it, it all fell apart. I’m at a loss of what to do.

anyway just hope you’re ok x

my DH never got me anythign much for my birthday ever and we never went out - he'd never think to book a night out for me. I ended up in psychosis and now ive even lost me and everythign I worked for all my life from a background of poverty and trauma

Yuck. He’s so selfish. The hotel room just feels like he wants sex too. A gift for him.