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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Accused on being controlling

76 replies

Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 15:23

My partner and I live together with my 9 year old daughter (whose father is not on the scene) . He has a boys who do not live with us .
He works long hours and we often miss family time or date nights because of this .
He will , if we argue go out with the “boys” often all night .
BUT this situation is different . No argument , his friend has a bday at a night club and he wants to attend (I have no childcare and am reliant on mum to do this) the following weekend he has a work Xmas do.
His response when I make a comment on this was that it wasn’t his fault I had a child with a man who doesn’t “stand up” and that I was being controlling for saying two weeks in a row is a bit much given we had to cancel date night the previous week due to work.
he also said he didn’t do a Benidorm holiday with the lads because I objected (which I didn’t ) he often goes out for a quick pint and meanwhile I feel like I’m running a hotel at times .
I love this man but this is causing tension , his boys stay with mum and are old and bough to be left alone , am I wrong here ? He says other women and men wouldn’t have an issue with this ?

A few weeks back was the first time he baby sat as I had spent the day looking after his boy and my child and the week before cooking for his family (all ten of them )
with thanks

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 13/12/2024 18:34

But it's not his kid and not his responsibility, why isn't the father stepping up?

AmusedGoose · 13/12/2024 18:48

I don't think you should ask him to babysit except in exceptional circumstances such as emergencies. I never asked my 2nd husband to help. I feel it causes resentment all round. I think your relationship has run its course and for your child's sake you should move on and concentrate on being alone for a while.

slightlydistrac · 13/12/2024 18:51

Idontjetwashthefucker · 13/12/2024 18:34

But it's not his kid and not his responsibility, why isn't the father stepping up?

Maybe don't jump to conclusions so fast, eh?
The father is not on the scene, and that could be for all sorts of reasons, including the OP having escaped abuse. His absence is irrelevant and has nothing to do with the thread.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 13/12/2024 18:59

slightlydistrac · 13/12/2024 18:51

Maybe don't jump to conclusions so fast, eh?
The father is not on the scene, and that could be for all sorts of reasons, including the OP having escaped abuse. His absence is irrelevant and has nothing to do with the thread.

Show quote history

What conclusions are you suggesting I'm jumping to, I was merely asking about the father's whereabouts following the boyfriend's comments about him not stepping up

Chiconbelge · 13/12/2024 19:24

It all sounds a bit too hard. If you were getting on well and you had each other’s backs and helped each other out and felt like a team, then maybe the twice in two weeks given its a friend’s birthday and a work Xmas do would not feel like a problem to you. What are you getting from this relationship?

pictoosh · 13/12/2024 19:28

I agree with @Chiconbelge - this wouldn't be a problem to me. I'd not mind two consecutive weekends because arrangements just fall that way sometimes.

Do you feel he's obligated to stay at home to keep you company? I'm not entirely sure what the issue is.

Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 19:28

Thank you for your comment . The father isn’t allowed contact which makes my daughter very sad.

I always encouraged contact but then received contact after a period of a 3 year absence to tell me he had attacked a minor.

I don’t bad mouth the father and talk about how she was conceived in love . I didn’t date for years . Then my new partner came along and after a good period of time we made the gradual decision to make the introduction. I was incredibly protective as a you might have imagine.

I send cards and presents for birthdays etc to his children . And they have been welcomed into our home as it creates a fantastic family environment.

i worry that this behaviour might send her the message that family is not the priority and that in a nutshell is what I think makes me unhappy with things as I outlined .

OP posts:
TheyCantBurnUsAll · 13/12/2024 19:29

How has this thread gone this way?

OP literally said she looked after his child which was why he then babysat the one time he has for her. He lives in her house why can he not help her out with a spot of babysitting? The step parents board is full of women getting told to treat the step kids like their own of course they should do x y z for step kid. Is it because this is a man not a woman? OP My kids dad is a useless shit I can't rely on, my ex after him babysat regularly for my kids. In fact we are not together anymore but he still will babysit for me occasionally. You can't live in the same house as a child and not build a bond if you are a good person

I actually don't think two weekends in a row is so bad when it's a friends birthday and a Christmas party. However I don't think how he's speaking to you is acceptable and I don't think he should be out all the time with his mates if you are unhappy at home to the point you feel like a hotel as you say.

I don't think it really matters if you are unreasonable or not. You are unhappy with how the relationship is and he's upset you and got you confused about if your feelings are justified enough to ask strangers in the internet. That's enough to end the relationship. You say you love him but why? Is it him you love or being in love/not alone? If this is such a problem ongoing and persistent enough he's snapping at you when you raise it it's not trading like love

Pinkbonbon · 13/12/2024 19:30

How long have you been together?

Realistically you should get the same 'me time' as him.

But, you can't and shouldn't let him babysit if you've not been together long.

If you're 3 years in and living together then he should step up. Otherwise, you need to arrange babysitting.

Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 19:31

I agree totally . My daughter is my priority. My concern is the lack of understanding when he disappears all night as he has done many times before . I don’t think it’s a cheating issue. But I do think it unsettles the family environment. And when it comes to priorities, family times seems to take second place

OP posts:
Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 19:33

We have been together 3 years and I still welcome and have a place big enough to accommodate his children (3) and weekend before last cooked for 10 of his family on my own

OP posts:
pictoosh · 13/12/2024 19:34

Going out two consecutive weekends to a birthday and a works do is not sending a message that family is not priority. I would go out for both and family is squarely my priority.

pictoosh · 13/12/2024 19:36

Sorry - cross posted there...you have said more which builds up a picture.

Garlicwest · 13/12/2024 19:36

AmusedGoose · 13/12/2024 18:48

I don't think you should ask him to babysit except in exceptional circumstances such as emergencies. I never asked my 2nd husband to help. I feel it causes resentment all round. I think your relationship has run its course and for your child's sake you should move on and concentrate on being alone for a while.

A few weeks back was the first time he baby sat as I had spent the day looking after his boy and my child and the week before cooking for his family (all ten of them )

So it's unfair on the poor man to ask him to sit with OP's child ONCE when she entertains and feeds his entire family and his kids? I don't think so.

OP, I'm terribly sorry but it sounds as if he's detaching 😟 OK, he might stick around as long as you continue to facilitate his semi-single life and look after everything at home. Should you? No. Can you make him play a more active role in your shared life? Also no.

How are you fixed financially and socially? Are you in a position to set up home with just your DD? I mean, you could carry on seeing each other as a semi-detached couple (which you effectively are, only you're doing twice the grunt-work). Can't say I'd want to, he'd have given me the major ick by now with his self-serving ways.

No, you are not controlling. He's trying to manipulate you.

Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 19:37

This is a regular issue I guess .

if I don’t have child care then he will go regardless.

last week we had a child free night and he didn’t come home till 930 and we missed out on date night . But it appears that friends can be a priority .

OP posts:
Autumndayz77 · 13/12/2024 19:42

I don’t think you are controlling. I do think however that this man is not for you. I personally wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who regularly goes out with the ‘lads’ or goes out and stays out all night. I’ve been there, got the tee shirt and it was shit!

Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 19:42

I have always had the home , he moved in with us having moved in with friends following a split .

I am £ probably better off . But he works long hours and I appreciate him when he makes the effort . But as an example last Xmas I brought his family and sons Xmas gifts he didn’t contribute at all 😪

I also do all the washing , do his invoices, and he doesn’t know how to work the oven . I love him as he can be very caring but he is thoughtless . He once broke my phone . I have lost friends as he doesn’t like me having any male friends . (He hit one) (he called one and verbally abused him after I’d known him 20 years ) this stems from history of exes cheating . I have never been a cheat . And try to reassure him where possible . And I think deep down he knows he wants the family life but but it’s almost like he has a FOMO

OP posts:
Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 19:46

The issue is , the comments around “it’s not my fault her father is a dick” “he hasn’t seen this friend in a long while and I’ve booked to go away for Xmas and new year for his birthday and we missed date night last week .

i personally feel the balance is missing , what about friend / family balance ?

OP posts:
Garlicwest · 13/12/2024 19:47

Bloody hell, he's way worse than you originally showed! He's abusive. Chuck him out. See a therapist about your extremely sloppy boundaries and low self-worth. Do the Freedom Programme.

If you don't demonstrate better boundaries, your daughter will grow up believing she exists to sacrifice herself to a shoddy man.

Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 19:50

It’s hard to express. I guess the connection I feel with this man and the fact I’ve introduced him to my daughter and the fact he can be fantastic at the fun stuff with her makes me feel disappointed that this may be going down the road I fear .

OP posts:
Garlicwest · 13/12/2024 19:55

You don't need to express it, many of us have been there. You're in love with the man you hoped he was, not the reality of who he is.

Anyone can can do the fun stuff with a 9-year-old for a few hours or the odd day out. That's not what provides a stable and secure environment. A home in which her mother's disrespected is very bad for her.

Have you seen this OP before? Have a quick look.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Right, listen up everybody. | Mumsnet

I shall say this only once. Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through. *Every* person deserves to have a relatio...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

AgentJohnson · 13/12/2024 19:55

This man has clearly very different ideas to you about what a relationship should look like. He wants the trappings of a relationship and the autonomy of a single man

He probably views you looking after his child and cooking for his family as an expectation, probably because you are a woman. Whereas he should be able to do what the fuck he wants, when he wants because he’s a man.

This is what happens when you prioritise someone who treats you as an option. I would be very wary of having this type of man in your daughters life, especially given the history with her biological father.

This man is clearly telling you who he is, for you and your daughter’s sake, LISTEN!

Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 20:01

I def don’t feel it’s obligated. I think it’s about a healthy balance I just don’t feel that balance is there if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Garlicwest · 13/12/2024 20:03

Hope you can read this. It's from the Freedom Programme.
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Accused on being controlling
Original poster
Missg1980 · 13/12/2024 20:04

AgentJohnson · 13/12/2024 19:55

This man has clearly very different ideas to you about what a relationship should look like. He wants the trappings of a relationship and the autonomy of a single man

He probably views you looking after his child and cooking for his family as an expectation, probably because you are a woman. Whereas he should be able to do what the fuck he wants, when he wants because he’s a man.

This is what happens when you prioritise someone who treats you as an option. I would be very wary of having this type of man in your daughters life, especially given the history with her biological father.

This man is clearly telling you who he is, for you and your daughter’s sake, LISTEN!

I fear his background means he does feel a women is meant to look after the household and TBH I don’t mind the housework and cooking , he can’t work the oven after 3 years and I can’t recall the last time he did washing etc but I am happy with the housework as I say I enjoy it . But I do resent a hissy fit over not “having enough cracking” from the pork . 🤦‍♀️

OP posts: