Accused on being controlling

[Missg1980]

My partner and I live together with my 9 year old daughter (whose father is not on the scene) . He has a boys who do not live with us .
He works long hours and we often miss family time or date nights because of this .
He will , if we argue go out with the “boys” often all night .
BUT this situation is different . No argument , his friend has a bday at a night club and he wants to attend (I have no childcare and am reliant on mum to do this) the following weekend he has a work Xmas do.
His response when I make a comment on this was that it wasn’t his fault I had a child with a man who doesn’t “stand up” and that I was being controlling for saying two weeks in a row is a bit much given we had to cancel date night the previous week due to work.
he also said he didn’t do a Benidorm holiday with the lads because I objected (which I didn’t ) he often goes out for a quick pint and meanwhile I feel like I’m running a hotel at times .
I love this man but this is causing tension , his boys stay with mum and are old and bough to be left alone , am I wrong here ? He says other women and men wouldn’t have an issue with this ?

A few weeks back was the first time he baby sat as I had spent the day looking after his boy and my child and the week before cooking for his family (all ten of them )
with thanks

Based on your updates op, why are you babysitting his kids and running around after him if he won't bother to return the favor?

Also, why are you doing all the cooking and washing for a grown man?
Thats mental.

Dude hasn't even put a ring on your finger and you're still acting like a skivy.

What do you mean he can't cook? Is 17 and just left home?

Op you have to stop this. Please don't think this shit is normal or that you owe it to a guy to be a house slave.

He's selfish and will always be selfish. He treats you with contempt and you let him walk all over you.

Give yourself the gift of shifting this cocklodger this Christmas. Otherwise you'll be back in a year stick in the same misery. If you're unlucky, with another child that he, predictably, does nothing for.

Time to go!
Raise the bar.

I have always told her she was made to breathe fire . But I think I forgot how with this man .

in my personal life and work life I don’t take any BS but feel like I’m steam rolled I guess at times .

I am beginning to wonder hence the post .

I have paid for every holiday and he has ruined every one . I am worried my daughter is now saying stop shouting and I also fear breaking her heart if he leaves

Unfortunately he's taking you for a mug and you are letting him. You actually bought his own family's Xmas gifts on his behalf while he got them nothing? Did he get your DC anything? Or you?
I hope he is at least paying half your bills and rent. Did he punch your friend before, or after you let him move in. Loving a man is conditional, depending on their behaviour, you don't go letting them do whatever, just because it's love - well, you seem to, but that's your problem.
He's pulled the wool over your eyes, more likely that he gets jealous of other men because he assumes if he cheats, everyone else must be at it too given half the chance, like him. I think if you open your eyes you'll find he's less than faithful. Hence the being out all night ( probably starts an argument on purpose so he can do that).
Ask your mother to babysit and go with him to his mate's birthday bash - I bet he will make up some other reason to go without you. Avoiding date nights and staying out all night - big clues.

I truly don’t believe he cheats …

He I think feels he is wanting the single life / but also family life …

He says he works long hours and hence he needs down time

I brought gifts for DD from us both … and my present didn’t materialise…

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread.

It’s very hard to have a relationship with someone who has their own dc whilst you are caring for you dc from a previous relationship. You are both right and both wrong. Your dd isn’t his responsibility but then his DS’s are not your responsibility either, he shouldn’t be asking you to care for them. I can see why you’re annoyed….he has more freedom because his ex has the DS’s? You have less freedom because you have your dd all the time? But this isn’t his fault.

I think I would be getting out of this relationship and raising my child alone, it’s not worth the stress and being accused of being controlling. Sure.y you and your dd would be better off without the stress?

What you're describing here is abuse.
Scaring over your male friends had nothing to do with insecurity, it's all about control. Abusers like to excuse their controlling behaviour as emotional damage they have as a result I 'crazy exs'. They like you stuck on a merry go round of 'prove your innocence/loyalty/purity/goodness'.

So you start distancing yourself from male friends...even dropping those you've known for years completely. Then next, might come changing your clothes becaise he implies your style is slutty. Then it might be removing makeup because he tells you he prefers you looking 'natural' every tine you wear it. Or deleting social media because one random guy liked your picture and he's kicked off about it.

Your world gets smaller and smaller and you make yourself smaller and smaller, just trying to keep the peace. If your friends and family protest, he kicks off and tries to make you choose between them and him.

Ect...ect...

Breaking your phone? Probably not an accident.

You're projecting that deep down he wants a family life. He doesn't even buy his own kids Christmas gifts! You want a family life and he knows that and is exploiting it in order to stay.

Do you really want your daughter growing up seeing her mother treated like this? Thinking its normal to be a doormat and dull her shine, all to pander to a crap man?

Get out of there op.

There are different types of relationships where children are involved. Some where the step parents come onboard and act as a parent and others where the person is a partner but leaves the parenting to the actual parent.

You're obviously looking for the former situation where your partner desires the latter. It sounds like you desperately want to build a family unit for your child and provide her with a father figure - he's not the man for this.

That doesn't mean anyone is on the wrong bit you clearly have very different visions of the relationship.

He I think feels he is wanting the single life / but also family life …

YOU think HE feels this ... because it's what you want to believe, right? Even you must be able to see he doesn't want family life, or he'd be acting like you're a family.

Looking at how he acts in reality, he wants a domestic servant. Not a family.

I agree with PPs, he shows every sign of cheating. He sure as hell doesn't respect or value you. And HE'S AN ABUSER.

You deserve better. Your child needs better. Be a mother she can look up to.

Ruining holidays and special occasions is also something abusers do.

You might find it worthwhile to YouTube search 'narcissists ruin holidays'.

And just to reiterate op, never ever excuse controlling behaviour (alienating you from your lifelong friends) as 'insecurity'. It is not. It is controlling.

From what I've read from your post, you're expecting him to step up as the father to your daughter which means saying no to friends invites etc. I think he should prioritise his children as number one, and then his relationship with you (including your child) and his friends and everything else. I don't think his requests sound unreasonable. He doesn't have any formal responsibilities toward your daughter.

I wish people would at least read all the OP's posts!!!!

You can't expect him to babysit for you... but in his shoes I'd have done this for the person I love if they'd not been out for a while and I had.

But apart from that he also sounds like an abusive arsehole and the quicker you dump his and kick his abusive, lazy and cocklodging arse out the better

So he hit your friend and doesn't like you having male friends... but you're the controlling one? Doesn't quite add up to me.

Abusers often project their behaviour onto the victim. Constantly accusing them of cheating when actually it's them doing it, for example. I wonder why he's so adamant you're the controlling one...?

Oh I def don’t expect him to parent my daughter. He has only babysat once 2 weeks ago .

my daughter is aware I am her primary caregiver and he has no responsibility for school / doctors / Xmas or bday gifts etc . I am not looking for a replacement father . She has one and understands in healthy way why she has been let down .

after this amount of time as family I certainly have assumed responsibility for his family and him , what I’m expressing is an equal expression of interest in family time … is that unreasonable?

Ps: don't feel you need to keep him over Christmas BTW. You don't owe nasty people like him anything. You certainly don't owe him your child's home.

I'm sure your daughter will get over things pretty fast when she realises there will be no more shouting and bad atmosphere in the home with him gone. Just be sure to have a chat with her about hoe you realised he was not treating you very nicely and we do not stay with people who are mean to us.

Thank you 🙏

100% this!!! Get that man out of your house this weekend and enjoy your Christmas

Personally I thought the initial situation seemed a bit like you were controlling. But the rest of the thread suggests that this is not a good man and you’d be best to end it.

You moved this man into your home with your DD. Does he contribute financially?

Wtf are you doing OP? He’s a controlling manipulative gaslighting abuser who treats you like a housemaid in your own home.

And ruining survival occasions like holidays is a massive red flag of narcissism.

Sounds like it’s all on his terms - and please don’t leave your daughter alone with this horrible man. She deserves better than this wanker in her safe space

There are so many read flags here. Please leave for both you and your dd's sakes. You'll be so much happier. Simone who loves you doesn't teat you like this.

Just some little things my narcissistic ex did when it came to ruining special occasions etc,.. op incase you've encountered similar.

1. Would tell me he was coming to something that was important to me, then cancel with a shit excuse at the last moment. I began to notice that if it was anything I was excited about especially, he'd do this. Or, say something to try ruin it for me. So, I stopped being excited about things.
2. He would the me events and nights out etc... were 'casual clothes' so I'd turn up to them underdressed.
3. He once insulted the culture of the host at a party I'd been invited to, infront of everyone else who were also predominantly from that culture. Needless to say, that neighbour never invited me to anything else again.
4. He told me my clothes were too flashy and I should change to more neutral colours whenever i was ready to go somewhere. That I didn't suit colours.
5. He told lies about me to his friends so that they'd be 'off' with me.
6. He 'lost' my ticket in a nightclub whilst on holiday (we were in our 20s) but not his own. It was freezing and I couldn't get back into the club so had to wàlk nack to the hotel in the cold. Conveniently, the jacket I left in the club was my favorite as it had belonged to my best girl mate and had sentimental value to me. He hated her so hated that jacket too.
7. He'd bring up his exs at times like Christmas. In a sort of comparing me kind of way. Designed to make me feel insecure or like he still had feelings for them.

First coment.

Sorry OP but he might have a point. 2 weekends in a row isn't unreasonable at Christmas time and with a friend's birthday.
Also yeah he could occasionally babysit your DD to help you out because he loves you but he's right she isn't his and it's not his fault her dad isn't around.