Accused on being controlling

[Missg1980]

My partner and I live together with my 9 year old daughter (whose father is not on the scene) . He has a boys who do not live with us .
He works long hours and we often miss family time or date nights because of this .
He will , if we argue go out with the “boys” often all night .
BUT this situation is different . No argument , his friend has a bday at a night club and he wants to attend (I have no childcare and am reliant on mum to do this) the following weekend he has a work Xmas do.
His response when I make a comment on this was that it wasn’t his fault I had a child with a man who doesn’t “stand up” and that I was being controlling for saying two weeks in a row is a bit much given we had to cancel date night the previous week due to work.
he also said he didn’t do a Benidorm holiday with the lads because I objected (which I didn’t ) he often goes out for a quick pint and meanwhile I feel like I’m running a hotel at times .
I love this man but this is causing tension , his boys stay with mum and are old and bough to be left alone , am I wrong here ? He says other women and men wouldn’t have an issue with this ?

A few weeks back was the first time he baby sat as I had spent the day looking after his boy and my child and the week before cooking for his family (all ten of them )
with thanks

Thank you for taking the time to read the entire thread.

Im actually so sad , feel I have let
my daughter down , feel like I’ve let myself
down .

I have come from a strong family and maybe I forgot I can do things very much on my own. I did for years . But I genuinely felt this has been different or I would not have introduced my daughter to him .

At 44 I really thought I had found something special. He does so many lovely things at times (these often follow arguments ) BUT still they make my heart melt .

Lovely things following arguments could be part of 'the cycle of abuse'. Whereby, no one would stay with abusive men if they were always nasty and shit. So they often follow up arguments with nice behaviour. Designed to make you think 'well he can be so lovely sometimes... maybe I was in the wrong afterall/maybe I did something to provoke the last bust up/maybe I misunderstood him or overreacted'.

Making you question the validity of your feelings regarding his shit behaviour basically.

It’s the cycle of abuse. They devalue and then idolise. It’s deliberate to fuck with your head.

And the pattern of DARVO. He’s deflecting back on you by calling you controlling when it’s him in reality - they make themselves the victim to guilt trip you.

He has been recently contributing £ which he constantly reminds me off . But I have to ask more often than not .

I helped him get a job . And he now earns good money . But when I ask for £ he asks for
evidence which I don’t have an issue with.

I feel really bad re this post as he will accuse me of being a narcissist because I ask roughly what time he he will be home for dinner , which I obviously cook . And when he is cross with me for asking he just doesn’t answer my calls . (I should add I don’t call repeatedly, or text for that matter . I don’t think it’s constructive and I don’t want to be drawn into behaving like a teenager .

Whatever the intricacies, unless you've told him you're blocking contact, that's a nasty thing to say to you.

As I say on all these posts, just drop him ☹️

So he doesn’t pay his fair share towards the household expenses? And when he gives you anything he asks for evidence? Evidence of what? He should be paying an equal share of the bills and shopping otherwise add cocklodger to his list of unappealing character traits.

And asking what time he’ll be home us nothing to do with being a narcissist but again it’s DARVO from him which fits with the pattern of abuse

Why have you done this to your child? And this is what social services has to fix, stories like this

Hence my post , I wanted some unbiased opinions.

I DO NOT want to expose or put my child in a position where things turn nasty .

I know it’s possible I’m reaching decision time but it seems some people think I’m being unreasonable. I will not allow my daughter to see this as normal behaviour and my personal feelings are not the primary concern for me . But I thank you for your comment it affirms a lot of similar thoughts across this thread

Thank you for your comments . In the context of the entire thread of comments so you think I’m in your opinion unreasonable?

He may well break her mind if you stay. At the very least she will learn from your actions that women need to be skivvys and put themselves last in relationships. That women should do all the earning and all the everything else while men get to make completely bullshit excuses, like not being able to work an oven, to get out of doing anything. Your words to her don't matter, your actions speak far more powerfully and they're saying women are skivvies and men can be nasty and behave inappropriately and violently (punching your male friend) and get away with it all. You are worried by the wrong things. The nights out are a red herring, you're worried he's not doing enough date nights while your daughters world has become one in which her mum panders to a nasty, jealous, lying cocklodger. He needs to be gone and you need to not have a relationship round your daughter that you wouldn't be happy for her to be in herself. She only one parent ro provide an example. You need to protect her from this.

Thank you this is fabulous advice … I will prioritise my daughter . And the majority of so many of these comments have shown me I need to make some serious changes and quick 🙏

Some people haven't read your subsequent posts. The situation in your first post, yes you're being unreasonable about 2 nights out. They're actually immaterial though. The later posts showing his aggressive nasty cocklodger type behaviour are relevant and show that you're in an abusive relationship again. The fact he's much better than your ex doesn't mean he's not abusing you. I'd wait a couple days and start a thread in relationships with zero mention of the nights and talk about his day to day behaviours including things like punching your friend, expecting you to do everything and so on.

not sure it’s something he seems to use the standard phrases thrown around like paper with no thought to the meaning I think 😪

Stop being a MUG - your toooooo accommodating - your need to treat him how he treats you - not very well!!! He's a very poor partner and does not prioritise you .

I hate to think this has been the case . I really tried to make the right choice hence being single so long and now it seems I may actually be right , and the validation from you all is giving me strength thank you 🙏

I'd bet his ex accused him of being a narcissist so now he throws the term around.

Never accuse a narcissist of being one. It's like telling a lion 'hey you're a lion! And you're chewing on my leg!'. Pointless.

Plus, he'll reverse it on you.

Don't waste time confronting him on anything. Just tell him it's over because you don't want to be with him anymore. No need to give reasons. The more reasons you give, the more ammo he has to turn round on you.

Just 'John, this isn't working for me anymore. I'd like you to leave'. If you have to give a reason 'I don't love you anymore' is a good shout. Because there is no answer if he asks 'why?' to that, that he can use to argue back. It just 'is what it is. I don't love you anymore. Pack your things and leave'. Ideally, do this with some suportive friends or family present.

He will be spiteful, he will call you cold or nasty or any other similar thing, claim you never loved him, tell you he thinks you're cheating etc... but at least he cannot talk you into another chance. Just 'OK John but we're still over'. Don't waste breath arguing back.

Don't let him convince you he has nowhere else to go. That's his problem.

Ideally ( especially if you think you'll have trouble getting him to leave) I'd wait till he was at work, have the locks changed, then text dump him. He isn't owed face to face. Abusers are not owed that. 'No. Because I don't want to' is a full sentence. Drop his stuff round his family home or his exs if they still talk. Anything else can be posted to him recorded delivery.

Ps: you can leave anyone for any reason you like.

Even just falling out of love with someone, if that were the reason, is perfectly acceptable. It doesn't make anyone a bad person.

And you do not need his permission to end things.

And anyone who only promises to change when they're threatened with being out on their arse, is only doing it for themselves. And he, won't change. Because fundamentally, he's a prick. So don't buy his act if he tries it.

Love should never be a fight. It should make your life happier. Thus guy literally does the opposite.

but I am happy with the housework as I say I enjoy it.

There’s a big difference between you enjoying housework and him expecting you to do it and anything else he deems ‘wimins work’. Once you fall into the gender role trap you realise that it’s a expanding universe, one where the man writes the narrative.

I get that your DD’s father is an abusive waste of space but you appear to have not raised the bar high enough with this one. Your relationship with this man is the relationship role model for your daughter and If this is the type of man you’d be unhappy that your daughter might end up with, why is he acceptable for her mother?

This is who is and you and your daughter deserve better.

Sounds like he's the controlling and emotionally abusive one, who is using DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim & offender) on you.

I expect he learnt to accuse you of such things from previous relationships where the person got wise to his behaviours and identified them to him.

I think you are controlling. I wouldn't be bothered by any of this. Live and let live. I would feel completely stifled by you. One child free evening and you're annoyed because he doesn't come home till 9.300? Did you not enjoy some time on your own?

However, I also think he's a nightmare in terms of not doing his fair share at home, and alienating your friends.

I think you should leave him, based on his poor behaviour. But in your next relationship, don't be so clingy.

OP he sounds like a bad egg all round. Also I don’t like people suggesting he hasn’t any obligations to your child. If you are in a long term relationship and someone is living with you then they need to step up and be a family unit otherwise I can’t see how it would work.

Also him stropping off and staying out all night to punish you is immature and nasty.

He sounds too immature and nasty to be in your home OP.

He sounds absolutely horrible. Your initial post is sort of irrelevant, the true picture emerges over the whole thread OP. I can't see the point of him, he's treating you the way a badly behaved teenager treats their parent. Good luck with getting rid of this selfish sponger.x

Read the full thread!

Can't you read the subsequent posts and appraise the full situation @Bizarred ? Do that and then come back and tell us what you think.

Get rid OP.

Any man with kids who still goes to clubs and "out with the lads" sounds immature tbh. Especially when it's his default way to destress.

Any confrontation=out with the lads not his problem you fix it, instead of being mature enough to sit down and find solutions to problems.

Not to mention I'd hazard a guess that it wasn't just a pint or 2 that he'd be imbibing in.

Kick this one to the kerb.