Choosing between connection and the familiar/secure. WWYD?

[tinseltwon]

I'm currently (8 months total) with a man who is lovely in so many ways. He's interesting with lots of strings to his bow, we can talk for hours and share many interests, he's good looking, good in bed, good with my dd (although she only knows him in a capacity as my 'friend' at the moment and he has been very patient about how I want to play the relationship in terms of my dd), caring - eg helps out in every way when he's at my house and sweet stuff like he always tucks me in if I fall asleep on the sofa, he brings me breakfast and coffee in bed when he stays, he drove a van 3 hours each way to help me pick up an eBay Xmas present for my dd last week. But. He's not very ambitious for himself. He doesn't own a property and all his assets are in investments/cash. He sees life as being for experiences so he will work for a few months in a lucrative contract role then take a few months off to travel or work on his projects, he has lived like this his whole adult life and he is now in his mid 40s. We are from very different backgrounds- me typical middle class with a good degree and traditional career, he from a working class bg and very much 'school of life'. As much as I love him, I feel like for some reason we might not work long term. I value stability, a partner who works a similar schedule to me and has similar goals and concerns. I like a nice house, nice holidays, but he couldn't really care about that stuff. It's painful because the more time I spend with this man, the more I miss my ex who had a very similar educational and professional background to me, he was dd's dad, we did a lot to our shared home and went on some awesome trips and had cool experiences over the years as we began to earn more as a couple. We broke up because I was feeling incredibly unfulfilled because on the flip side, my ex spent all his free time PC gaming and didn't enjoy conversation, wouldn't compromise with me on movies to watch and wasn't interested in what I had to say, kind of let me get on with things (including doing all the domestic load and childcare) but also was an excellent provider with really good earning potential. We also didn't have sex anymore. When we split I had to move to a lower cost of living area and I have missed my old home and my way of life almost every day since, even when things have been good with my new partner. I don't enjoy where I live, I am struggling financially and having survived a dirt poor childhood I deeply regret giving up my stability.

My ex has now asked me to come back and try again. He and dd miss each other as much as he and I miss each other. We were together for many years and compromised on our personality differences for a very comfortable mutually enjoyable life. My family all tell me how love is the answer and being able to connect and converse and share interests is the key to happiness but I have not been happier even having that with the new man, I just feel down about all I have lost. My life with this new man, if it progresses, I worry will be a smaller life. It sounds so harsh nd unfair, especially as the new man is so kind and has no idea ex has contacted me or that I am seriously considering going back to him. He would be absolutely devastated if we split. But for a number of reasons I won't go into, I know this is last chance saloon with my ex and that door is about to close forever. If I could teleport back to my old life right now without hurting the new man, I 100% would. A little voice in my head is telling me I would miss the new man desperately over time and that I would feel lonely and bored back in my old life, but I know there would be good things too.

How do I do this? I am so afraid of making the wrong choice. It really does feel like a choice between laughter/sex/conversation and money/stability. No one has any idea I am facing this dilemma and I feel pretty ashamed. It feels like if I was truly happier without my ex I would have got there by now, we broke up over a year ago. But I am so depressed these days I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I think of my old home and life all the time and the opportunities there for DD were so much better. it seems like a no brainer... and yet, I will lose something really special.

Any thoughts on this.. I would really appreciate it.

You sound like you've already made up your mind to try again with your ex, but I think it's a choice you will massively regret. He's emotionally and mentally abusive, he takes no responsibility for his part in your relationship problems, he is telling you very clearly who he is, he hasn't and won't change. I understand the desperation for financial security, I too grew up in a family who struggled, but it is not worth staying in a toxic relationship for. You will inevitably end up splitting up again. As for your DD, a life where her parents are seperated but happy is far better than one where they are together but miserable. Kids pick up on these things even if you try to hide it from them.

In contrast your new man sounds like a good person; affectionate, thoughtful, responsible. He actually sounds like he has a good work life balance, financially ok and just choosing to prioritise quality time over stacking the cash. That balance might need to be adjusted at some point if you want to settle down together, but there is nothing in your posts to suggest it wouldn't; he sounds like he has his head screwed on, IMO. Of course that doesn't mean that you have to stay with him, maybe neither man is right for you. In some ways you sound like you would benefit from some time on your own, to get your head straight. You will never find happiness with your ex though. Don't let familiarity and fear of the unknown scare you into going back to him.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad thinking about all this. I hear what all the posters have been saying and I know my old relationship was in many ways bad, but it's hard to get past the good - and also how short term good it would feel to be back in the old life/routine with my family and not have much of the worries I have now. I would go into that knowing I would not have the same fulfilment as I do with someone like my current partner, but I would also be willing to try and make things better through my own therapy which I definitely need, and I would have a better awareness of mistakes we made in the past. Deep down I just want to stop feeling guilty about how unsettled dc still seems to be, and about how I left my ex. It seems easier to walk away from the new man than it does to live with those feelings of guilt. I also feel like my dynamic with my ex was trying to make things work and putting his needs high above mine, and I am still doing that now.... whereas my dynamic with the other guy is totally different really, I feel we are much more equal and adult in terms of the relationship. It just feels uncomfortable. I have no idea how to be in a relationship like this and I hate to say that I keep verbally lashing out at the new guy in a way I never did with my ex, and it's borne out of frustration with myself. He desperately wants it to work but I just don't know anymore. Familiarity is the key, it seems - even the bad is familiar and this new type of relationship is scary to me and feels overwhelming.

Part of me just wants to run back to my ex tomorrow and deal with the fallout after.

I feel broken.

OP a slightly different perspective. I am still in the gilded cage and have that comfortable lifestyle but waiting to get out of it for many of the reasons you state about your ex. Your post resonated with me because it highlighted some of my fears and some of the reasons I am delaying making the move. I can also relate to not having much money and the difference in knowing what it is to have money, stability and security.

I would not go back. You've managed to get out, it's taking me a long time to do this. It is easy for me to stay because I am still in the gilded cage but the impact on my mental health is huge. It's a big trade off. I can see your dilemma with new partner - he doesn't hold the security and stability your ex did and I suspect this is important given the instability you experienced in your childhood (same here and it is making it very difficult to leave the stability albeit now it is bordering on toxic). It is difficult to remain in the moment and go with the flow. I would likely struggle with this too.

Wishing you all the best op.

The thing is as well op, is that it is all good and well you having therapy but your ex might need to make changes to grow with the relationship. Would he be willing to do this? Mine isn't. I have outgrown the relationship and seek a more equal relationship the type that you speak of. I should imagine it feels very daunting and way out of your comfort zone. What do you think is causing the lashing out? What is underneath that. Frustration at yourself about what?

There’s a reason many of us keep making bad relationship decisions because they feel familiar. You’re so used to someone automatically putting your needs below his that you prefer it. It’s your normal. It’s also a complete cop out. You’re not responsible for anything. Whereas with a man who takes you seriously, it’s all on you.

Maybealittle Could you elaborate on what you have written please? I'm trying to apply them to myself and struggling. Maybe because I am so used to tucking my needs away.

I can understand the frustration of not having it all. It does feel like a trade-off.
Perhaps the child in you is drawn to one thing, the adult to another.

Your ex is so affluent and you're struggling now, but will this always be the case? Are you getting a divorce settlement, and would you be able to move back to your old area then? Why has he got the house when you have your daughter all the time?
I wouldn't go back to your ex when you've only just got out. A year is no time at all. It takes so much to leave, and stay left, you need to keep going. You left for a reason so trust yourself. Where you are now is the beginning, not the end.
You're bound to miss your old life. I missed mine, and even now sometimes I do think it would have been nice to have a paid off mortgage etc but you can't have it all. Being in an awful lonely marriage is no way to live.

So true, I feel like I am struggling with 2 sides of myself. Today my partner made banana bread, cleaned my kitchen, held me for ages when I was feeling down, talked about going xmas shopping this weekend, and I felt like such a dick for betraying him with my thoughts like this. He is very much a grown up, whereas my ex often felt like a teen despite being in 30s, and he made me feel childish and unfocused too which is partly why I let my career slide a bit, before I met him I was super focused but he never inspired me. What made me happy was the life we were able to build. So often I cry when driving around here, remembering the long walks I used to take in my old city and being able to get a nice uber eats or go to the shops or theatre and stupid stuff like that. And yeah, I'm missing the beginning of that relationship when I was young and romantic, ex had loads of those years, and I think he broke me a bit as now I am just stuck on bitter.
And yet I have given ex even some possibly false hope about reconciliation and I'm making myself an even bigger 'bad guy' if it goes wrong. He told me I needed to show I would 'turn over a new leaf' but it feels like it's all on me.

I would work to address the shallowness and materialism as a matter of priority, how might you do that?

The prioritisation of money and things will always blind you from the truly valuable.

It’s your choice to make, good luck.

Be aware that you might loose new guy anyway, if he senses your ambivalence.

I am struggling a bit with what you are saying about these two men as, to me, there is totally no dilemma:

One made you so unhappy that you left. He (in your words) "broke you" and is now shoveling blame your way (without looking at himself) for the fact that you left. I really don't like this whole "I want to see that you have turned over a new leaf" business. He sounds rather dominating and is certainly not considering WHY you left one iota.

The other man is considerate of your feelings and caring. He is happy to hold you when you feel down and suggest something he hopes will cheer you up. He is attempting to "fix the brokenness" your ex caused I suppose...He sounds a really decent guy.

This is totally your choice but I really hope that you don't regret whatever you decide to do. All the best. 🌸

If you go back to your ex, the dynamic will NOT be him trying to treat you better.

Yes, he’s clearly signalled that by saying you needed to ‘turn over a new leaf’. If you go back to him, you’ve shown him you can’t cope without him, and that you’re prepared to deal with the same crap you left him for, with the added bonus of him expecting you to deal with even worse behaviour to show you’ve ’turned over a new leaf’.

I've messaged my ex and told him I cant put dd through the upheaval again if this is how he feels, maybe it makes me a dick but I cannot fix the relationship on my own. I really appreciate my current partner and this thread has helped me to see how blinkered I have been. I find it very hard to let go but I want to move forward, not back, I want to value what is real not just material support.

Oh well done.

You can do this, OP. I know it's tiring worrying about money, parenting on your own and managing a household etc, but your ex wasn't the answer.

And your new guy sounds so much kinder and nicer.

He just made me and dd scrambled eggs and cleaned the filter on my tumble dryer... he's a good one, I think. I have actually now blocked my ex for some much needed space, it is very strange to think I dont have to talk to him again if I dont want to (he keeps in touch with dd via her own phone.) I feel incredibly guilty for that for some reason, but I am just trying to put him out of mind and focus on the now. I am going to go xmas shopping in our local city tomorrow and try to get in the spirit. Thank you so much for all your input.

Your lovely new partner sounds like a keeper. Keep him. He likes you. You deserve this and I promise you he wants to be with you. We regret the things we don't do. Your thoughts are just thoughts and they are not reality.

Reality is scrambled eggs and a man who takes the drying out and cleans the filter afterwards.

Not going back doesn’t make you a dick. It’s clear from the info you’ve provided that your ex was not good to you.

Not one of us is perfect, and your post makes your priorities quite clear, you are not a 'love conquers all' person, love is not enough, there needs to be security and lifestyle, it means any future prospect, in order to be perfect, would have to be a compatible person, as well as have the finances to keep you as you wish to be kept. That does not make you a bad person, you can't help what you feel, or what you want, sometimes being honest with yourself is the best way forward.

I wonder if your ex ever picked up on this, I wonder if he felt you were compromising in order to live the life you wanted, maybe that brought out the worst in him, which then brought out the worst in you.

I would put your current man out of his misery, without being cruel, he deserves better, to be loved for the sake of love. He sounds like he would love you regardless of what state your finances were, he would be better off meeting a similar person.

I would personally try things with our ex, and see if you can make it work, only because all the negative aspects you mention smack of immaturity and lack of communication, people change, its possible he has seen the error of his ways and is willing to change, if he is, you would be silly not to at least explore that avenue, maybe seek counselling, as I said, none of the things you mention above are terrible facets, more thoughtlessness and being self absorbed.

written after reading only the first post, which was probably a mistake having read the subsequent ones. .....

Knulp Sadly, I think you are way off the mark with your post and you have come to realise it after further reading.

Op is aware of her vulnerable areas - the additional emphasis on security. But it is never to late for op to try another way. There may be a degree of immaturity as there is with me but it is/was an overhang of my (traumatic) upbringing. There will have been issues on both sides of the relationship. Going forward I am going to try doing things in a different way. Perhaps op is only now having the opportunity (with new partner) to try things differently for herself. Don't go back op. Just don't. But do keep working on yourself and what you need to grow.

There's a thread on MN about women who put up with abuse towards them, towards their child just so that they have can have a nice lifestyle

My ex has responded by email (I didnt block on there) saying I am a raging narcissist and have destroyed him as a person, and that he wished he never had to see me again except he has to because of dd. It hurt as much as all the nasty stuff he ever said to me and I feel broken, why was I still harking back to that relationship that was so bad for me. I feel like I have no idea what is important anymore. All my life I have looked for the comfort of things and money, been through shopping addiction on and off, credit card debt...... It's made me really closed off and shallow and I am afraid I am pushing this new partner away for all the wrong reasons. I want to change and as I said, I think therapy will be helpful for that, I just wish I had not hurt others along the way. My ex has always saddled me with so much guilt and emotional manipulation, even now he says its 'too late' for him to go and see his own family on Christmas, I feel horrendous...

It doesn't consitute love does it op? I mean that is something that dawned on me, my husbands emotional abuse is not what love is. Also, the way he attempts to turn my dc against me (lately) sometimes by saying negative things. It is not love. As soon as things changed and my eyes were opened, I saw a very different side to his character. I'm not saying I'm completely innocent in all of this but I now see it for what it is.

I too have used stuff as a comforter - buying things, comfort eating and drinking at times. I've got a handle on this at last. It's taken a long time. Filling a hole. What he is saying now is further attempts at manipulation and control. Try and stand back from it if you can, make it a him problem and not a you problem. Congratulations for getting out. You could have had a lifetime like this, never knowing anything different. I do not intend to spend my life like this either.

OP neither suits you, and you are being selfish. You are expecting a man to fulfill all of your emotional and material wants and needs. Dump the new man and let him find someone on the same wavelength.
My DM left my DF for someone who she had a connection with. It sounds exactly the same story as you, she left a bigger, better house in a nicer area. Her DP was very reliable but very boring, he was very solitary, doesn't like socializing and wasn't interested in the bigger things in life materially. I often suspected over the years that she regretted leaving my DF, and just last week she told me she has never gotten over the material 'downgrade', and they split up 35 years ago.