Choosing between connection and the familiar/secure. WWYD?

[tinseltwon]

I'm currently (8 months total) with a man who is lovely in so many ways. He's interesting with lots of strings to his bow, we can talk for hours and share many interests, he's good looking, good in bed, good with my dd (although she only knows him in a capacity as my 'friend' at the moment and he has been very patient about how I want to play the relationship in terms of my dd), caring - eg helps out in every way when he's at my house and sweet stuff like he always tucks me in if I fall asleep on the sofa, he brings me breakfast and coffee in bed when he stays, he drove a van 3 hours each way to help me pick up an eBay Xmas present for my dd last week. But. He's not very ambitious for himself. He doesn't own a property and all his assets are in investments/cash. He sees life as being for experiences so he will work for a few months in a lucrative contract role then take a few months off to travel or work on his projects, he has lived like this his whole adult life and he is now in his mid 40s. We are from very different backgrounds- me typical middle class with a good degree and traditional career, he from a working class bg and very much 'school of life'. As much as I love him, I feel like for some reason we might not work long term. I value stability, a partner who works a similar schedule to me and has similar goals and concerns. I like a nice house, nice holidays, but he couldn't really care about that stuff. It's painful because the more time I spend with this man, the more I miss my ex who had a very similar educational and professional background to me, he was dd's dad, we did a lot to our shared home and went on some awesome trips and had cool experiences over the years as we began to earn more as a couple. We broke up because I was feeling incredibly unfulfilled because on the flip side, my ex spent all his free time PC gaming and didn't enjoy conversation, wouldn't compromise with me on movies to watch and wasn't interested in what I had to say, kind of let me get on with things (including doing all the domestic load and childcare) but also was an excellent provider with really good earning potential. We also didn't have sex anymore. When we split I had to move to a lower cost of living area and I have missed my old home and my way of life almost every day since, even when things have been good with my new partner. I don't enjoy where I live, I am struggling financially and having survived a dirt poor childhood I deeply regret giving up my stability.

My ex has now asked me to come back and try again. He and dd miss each other as much as he and I miss each other. We were together for many years and compromised on our personality differences for a very comfortable mutually enjoyable life. My family all tell me how love is the answer and being able to connect and converse and share interests is the key to happiness but I have not been happier even having that with the new man, I just feel down about all I have lost. My life with this new man, if it progresses, I worry will be a smaller life. It sounds so harsh nd unfair, especially as the new man is so kind and has no idea ex has contacted me or that I am seriously considering going back to him. He would be absolutely devastated if we split. But for a number of reasons I won't go into, I know this is last chance saloon with my ex and that door is about to close forever. If I could teleport back to my old life right now without hurting the new man, I 100% would. A little voice in my head is telling me I would miss the new man desperately over time and that I would feel lonely and bored back in my old life, but I know there would be good things too.

How do I do this? I am so afraid of making the wrong choice. It really does feel like a choice between laughter/sex/conversation and money/stability. No one has any idea I am facing this dilemma and I feel pretty ashamed. It feels like if I was truly happier without my ex I would have got there by now, we broke up over a year ago. But I am so depressed these days I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I think of my old home and life all the time and the opportunities there for DD were so much better. it seems like a no brainer... and yet, I will lose something really special.

Any thoughts on this.. I would really appreciate it.

I dont think my ex does hate me, I think he is a bit emotionally immature and lashes out. I know him well enough. Its true we would have a different relationship now as there is that resentment and a long separation between us, and I do feel it would be on me to make it work, like anything negative I say could be used against me, and there's no way to change that dynamic now unless he equally wants to and I think he just wants me back to carry on the status quo. But I guess I want that too. At least I would be in a nicer place.... But I worry how much I would miss this new partner and also hate myself for being so flaky and unable to cope in my new reality. All this is swimming round my brain the same time as having to decide what to do about dd's school as her current one isn't working out and I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I just want things to be easy.

@tinseltwon This is just a brain dump, but this thread is helping a lot. Poor new guy is being sidelined and I am only just realising quite how unfair that is when reading back my posts and other peoples. It is totally true that I need to make my own happiness; I have taken a back seat with work, as well as hobbies and friends, and I need to take back some control of my life instead of getting so depressed. Many days I will just sleep in if I am not working until later, and I'm not motivated to exercise, to read or do anything, and it's just getting worse. It's like I am stuck in the past and unable to move on.

This part of your previous post brought a tear to my eye - and it seems the scales are falling from your own eyes? It sounds like with the past relationship that you got into a total rut, you kind of went into survival/make-the-best-of-it mode? And nobody deserves to live their life like that. You were actually abundantly brave to throw that grenade, because it really sounds like it needed to happen. I am so sorry you were so unhappy for so long... but the good news is that it can stop, today, because it is totally in your hands - you honestly have the power... you've already proven your strength by leaving a situation that was not doing you or your child any good. It is hard to pick yourself up off the ground, I know, I have been there, but it can be done. 'Taking a back seat' is a very good way of describing it, but now you need to tell yourself that you are in the driving seat - which means YOU are in control and no one can take that from you again.

Whether or not you continue your current relationship is up to you and with the extra information you've provided I wonder if there isn't a little voice at the back of your head saying (He's amazing... I don't deserve this...) which is why you are actively seeking reasons why he isn't right for you? Which, as you know, are just surface reasons. But I will say, very strongly, DO NOT go back to your ex, you're out of his web now... don't be the fly that thinks the spider has changed. From everything you have said, not only has he not changed, but he has put the blame for everything on you. It's horrible and it's not true - it very much takes two to tango. So please put the kibosh on reuniting, please... for my own sanity!

The good news is that we're entering a new year... in fact if you mark the changing of seasons you can turn over a new leaf in only eight more sleeps (have you seen the thread about the winter solstice?)... I absolutely advocate taking up a hobby, seeing more of your friends, and doing stuff that feeds your soul - it doesn't have to anything mad or extravagant... just something that is purely for you as a person, not as a mum or a daughter or a partner, or anything else... something for you. Sending you lots of strength and love. X

thank you @Arlanymor so much... and everybody else who has been kind. I do not feel like I deserve that right now.

There is no guarantee it will work out with the new man, nice as he sounds. There is pretty much (IMO) a total guarantee that it won't work out happily with your ex, who deeply resents you leaving and is making zero effort to address the reasons things went wrong. If you go back to him, you will be accepting that and voluntarily taking on your old life plus added bad feeling about the split.

However, if you can tolerate bad sex and no emotional connection for (current) financial perks, a better house and nice holidays, it's your choice. Just be careful you are really sure because putting your daughter through a reconciliation and another split down the line would be very wrong.

You do deserve it, you've just been told so often that you don't that you have started to believe it. If I was a bit blunt in my earlier posts it is only because I want you to be happy, and I hope my last post outlined a bit more the place where I am coming from. You sound exhausted and more than a bit broken, you need time to mend and to feel like yourself again. X

It was so hard to leave, yeah. The hardest thing I have ever done and I was in shock for days afterward. I still see him crying, saying I have broken him, that if I ever loved him I wouldn't be so cruel.... The way he watched me leave and didn't even help with the bags. But I had been feeling low level unhappy and at times extremely unhappy for so long, and I never wanted to to be like that, I loved my ex and wanted more kids with him and to spend the rest of my life with him for as long as I could while he kept on gaming and ignoring us (I stopped fighting about that after just a year or so), kept sulking at me on family days out or even my birthday meal or if my family was round, said mean things and threw his wedding ring across the room, told me my salary wasn't good enough and pressured me to leave my job then when that didnt work pressured me to have a baby, was nasty to dc instead of parenting and every time I tried to talk about it he kicked off, at times it felt like I was living in a warzone and then things got better after we had some relationship counselling but we would still argue and he would go sulk in bed or threaten to leave and... yeah. I was lonely and hurt and I couldn't see how it could get better. I woke up turning 35 thinking omg I will never have another baby if I dont get out of this and meet somebody else. Ironically, new partner really wants a family if I do, which was something I used to dream about, a baby with a man who loved me and wanted to be a proper father, now I am on the verge of jacking that in for my ex who I just found a way to co exist with... And all for money, for nice things, for nice hotels and to be able to buy dd anything she wants or give her clubs and experiences, like a transaction.. it's really sad to me that I feel I am in this dilemma as I have no idea who I am anymore.

I think reading this OP I would say that you're really not mentally in the position to date anyone right now.
Do not go back to your ex - nothing will have changed and you will be miserable and put your DC through a second split which would massive impact your relationship with her throughout your lives.
I would end it with new partner and concentrate on yourself and your DC only. Focus on work and your future financial stability. It sounds like you're still young to create your own life without relying on a man for any of those material things you desire

Don't get back with your ex. Sounds vile.

Your new man it's the happiest he's ever been, perhaps because you and your home and your values are giving him stability he's never been interested in before. Maybe at this time of his life, with you and your DD, he feels there is potential to have a more secure base. A case of right person right time. If you met him 20 years ago, you might not have made him happy, but you seem to be making him very happy right now. And he is doing an awful lot to make you happy. There is no pressure for long term commitment, but a conversation about how you both want to live and where you see yourself in 5 yrs might make you see a potential future with him clearer, one way or another. Good luck!

My ex said I was evil and heartless. That who I used to be was 'dead to him'. That he hated me. That he didnt want gifts that came from me (even though they were from dd). That I had destroyed him, broken him. It just feels so huge what I have done by leaving him, that I cant imagine why now he wants me back and is saying he thinks we have a chance and that he misses me. I know what will happen.. I will go back, will put on an amazing xmas as I always did, dd will be happy, he will seem happy, then within a few days or weeks we will argue or end up ignoring each other on the sofa while he snaps at dd. I KNOW that is the reality. I know he isn't some wounded party and I am evil. But I also know that I would be able to go see my friends, go to the theatre and on my old walks and to the museums and parks, dd could go on sleepovers again and do her clubs, none of that exists where we are now. We could plan some nice trips and attempt to reconnect. But how much would I miss the new man, and the life I have started to build on my own - I have achieved things I never thought I could, from driving all over the place (I never learned before), to building furniture and fixing stuff round the house. I can take a bath in my little nice bathroom and watch iPad and have a glass of wine and then watch a movie we both enjoy with my partner and clean up with him after dinner instead of having to do everything myself. Someone else tidies the living room, lights a nice candle or makes a fire in the wood burner, makes the tea, suggests something to do - not just me, which is how it always was. Someone wants to buy a camper van with me one day and go on adventures around Europe, because we both love camper vans. That has to be worth something. I feel horrible for not being honest with this guy and part of me thinks I should really be alone as I clearly am very confused.

I stopped fighting about that after just a year or so), kept sulking at me on family days out or even my birthday meal or if my family was round, said mean things and threw his wedding ring across the room, told me my salary wasn't good enough and pressured me to leave my job then when that didnt work pressured me to have a baby, was nasty to dc instead of parenting and every time I tried to talk about it he kicked off, at times it felt like I was living in a warzone and then things got better after we had some relationship counselling but we would still argue and he would go sulk in bed or threaten to leave and...

This sounds emotionally abusive, not just a bit of a crap marriage.

And his insistence that you need to change and it's basically all your fault means he's completely unrepentant and will probably be worse if you return.

And if he's nasty to your dc, then going back wouldn't be doing them any favours.

It wasn't all like that @category12 but ex does have a temper and a big tendency to sulk. Those were the worst times. Sulking and arguing around dc were a feature for years and we never could seem to get around it. He could not see that he needed to pay more attention to his wife and dc, or help out with stuff... how many times did he show me out in the pouring rain to pick up dc from a playdate, or send me to get the xmas tree on my own, or let me clean the house solo and not even say thank you, or worse bicker with dc like another kid or get arsey with the teachers on parents evening. Then he might do something great like build all our flatpack furniture when we moved, or buy me a really nice gift just because, or play legos with dc and make her laugh loads. Then, it would be back to walking ahead of us when out or shutting himself in another room during dc's birthday party at home because he got bored. I made all our friends. I found our homes, I planned our holidays, I did xmas and bdays to the max, made him advent calendars and took him on surprise trips, all sorts. I tried really hard. I didnt want to split up and hurt dc. But it just wasn't enough for me. I was so lonely.

Another brain dump...

You do sound very confused and it might help for you to do a bit of a visualisation exercise (bear with me!) Imagine a big cinema screen in front of you and you're watching your old life... how does it make you feel? Don't you want to scream at the woman on the screen and say: 'Don't let him talk to you like that! Don't let him treat you like that!" You do, right? You wouldn't even want to watch a minute of that film because it would make you sad, angry and frustrated. You wouldn't ever buy a ticket to see it twice, so why are you contemplating literally going backwards in life and booking in for another miserable existence? From everything you have said he is abusive, which is appalling. You broke free from it once, you need to stay your course and continue to keep him at arm's length.

If this new guy is everything and a bag of chips then you could even try talking to him about how you are feeling - it might be hard, he might not want to stay, but at least you would know that you haven't led him up the garden path. Or he may even the level of emotional maturity to try and understand and support you.

It never is all like that. It's the good times that keep you there. I mean, noone would stay in abusive relationships if it was 100% awful all the time.

You left for good reasons.

You basically want a man with more money.

Why can't you be your own vehicle to financial stability rather than relying on a man? You say you are obsessed with financial stability but you've ended up in a position where you're struggling? Surely your mum's experience should've taught you not to rely on a man? Make the life you want for yourself.

@tinseltwon - please read and re-read the posts from @Arlanymor and @category12. Your ex-husband sounds horribly emotionally abusive and your marriage sounds like it was completely dead. Please don’t go back there. It’s very clear that you would only be doing it for material reasons. It would be a disaster. That would be an awful thing to do to your DD. Your XH hasn’t even behaved like a good father since you left, let alone behaving in a way which might make you feel loving towards him as a husband. You can create material security for yourself and your DD. You don’t need a man for that.

‘Part of me thinks I should be alone’: Part of me thinks you’d be mad to walk away from the man who makes you happy .

Build on what you’ve got - and arrange those trips back, sleepovers, whatever

And also @tinseltwon please read this excellent post from @Dery - you would think that most people would moderate their behaviour (even temporarily) to get someone to return to them. Instead he's not done a single thing to show he is serious about making it work and instead has blamed everything on you.

It feels like if I was truly happier without my ex I would have got there by now, we broke up over a year ago.
It took me more than a year and a half to even start dating again after I split up with my ex. And I still miss the nice aspects of the life I used to have more than ten years later. Those were the things I imagined having in my old age. It's hard when a dream vanishes. You jumped straight into another relationship, and it distracted you - you didn't have to think about the negative side of your breakup carefully. Now the honeymoon phase is coming to an end in the new relationship, it isn't taking your mind off things as much and you are finally catching up with the reality of your decision. That doesn't mean your decision was bad; it just means you haven't fully processed it yet.

Of course it's easier to go back to your old life rather than building up a new one. That takes time and energy. This is a dark, cold time of year and you don't have much energy.

This new guy sounds nice enough, but if he doesn't have the lifestyle and habits you want, then you don't have to stay with him. He's just a boyfriend. But it isn't a choice between him and your ex. There are other possibilities.

I don't understand why you need to live with your ex for your dd to go on sleepovers or to a club. If you can't afford a club, can't your ex pay for it? And why do your ex and dd miss each other so much - does he not have her?

Do not go back to the ex. Absolute recipe for disaster that.

Do not go back op
Your ex is not accepting any responsibility for the problems in the relationship.

This Dynamic that he is doing you a favour taking you back is absolutely toxic

You deserve fun and happiness

Enjoy your life with thr new man. Sit down and tell him that if and when it becomes really committed you are anxious about security

It's only been a year...you will build a life away from your ex.

What happens if you go back to your ex, suck it up for the money/lifestyle and then in 5-10 years he leaves you.

The damage is done he will never see you the same now especially as you've left him and been seeing another man. I can only imagine how nasty he might get from all the resentment and he will constantly use this against you. I think you need a reality check that the life you had with your ex may be even worse than it was before you left (and it was bad enough before!!)

My advice is to try not to think about other people's feelings and only what you believe will make you happy.

You're grieving aspects of your old life, OP, and it hurts. It's perfectly natural.

You will never be happy if you go back. Your ex is not about to have a personality transplant. The things that were lacking in your marriage will always be lacking.

The things you miss - financial comfort - can be regained over time. Does your ex pay his fair share towards dd? If you divorce, will that help financially (share of the equity, etc?)

Your new man sounds lovely. Your relationship with him is helping you realise how good love and life can be. I'd say no need to break up if he's making you happy. Just take your time. Be up front that you need to take it slowly, and about how important financial security is to you.

Good luck!

You need to learn to be on your own. It would be nuts to go back to your ex. You and the new man sound like you have completely incompatible lifestyles. However if he does want a family life in the future he can always show that he can get properly set up as a mature adult whilst you date. Don't acquire a cock lodger. I've missed where your boyfriend lives when he's not adventuring? I'm assuming he's Mums for some reason?

I am glad that you used the word "depressed" because I didn't want to suggest it and have you take offence if wrong...Please see a doctor for this if it doesn't start to get better.

A break from a secure home is a risk - yes. I therefore understand why you miss that security. I was in your position with 2 young children 2 decades ago, and it's pretty scary because there is always a chance that things won't get any better than they are now. I took the risk however and I met my current husband . it was scary, but looking back, I wouldn't change it for the world!

Your new man sounds really lovely. Your ex sounds rather manipulative. It's your choice and your life. Taking that risk worked out for me - but there are no guarantees. Do you honestly want to feel lonely and miserable forever for financial security though? Maybe you feel it's worth it, but it wouldn't be my choice.

I hope that whatever decision you make works out for you. 🌸