Choosing between connection and the familiar/secure. WWYD?

[tinseltwon]

I'm currently (8 months total) with a man who is lovely in so many ways. He's interesting with lots of strings to his bow, we can talk for hours and share many interests, he's good looking, good in bed, good with my dd (although she only knows him in a capacity as my 'friend' at the moment and he has been very patient about how I want to play the relationship in terms of my dd), caring - eg helps out in every way when he's at my house and sweet stuff like he always tucks me in if I fall asleep on the sofa, he brings me breakfast and coffee in bed when he stays, he drove a van 3 hours each way to help me pick up an eBay Xmas present for my dd last week. But. He's not very ambitious for himself. He doesn't own a property and all his assets are in investments/cash. He sees life as being for experiences so he will work for a few months in a lucrative contract role then take a few months off to travel or work on his projects, he has lived like this his whole adult life and he is now in his mid 40s. We are from very different backgrounds- me typical middle class with a good degree and traditional career, he from a working class bg and very much 'school of life'. As much as I love him, I feel like for some reason we might not work long term. I value stability, a partner who works a similar schedule to me and has similar goals and concerns. I like a nice house, nice holidays, but he couldn't really care about that stuff. It's painful because the more time I spend with this man, the more I miss my ex who had a very similar educational and professional background to me, he was dd's dad, we did a lot to our shared home and went on some awesome trips and had cool experiences over the years as we began to earn more as a couple. We broke up because I was feeling incredibly unfulfilled because on the flip side, my ex spent all his free time PC gaming and didn't enjoy conversation, wouldn't compromise with me on movies to watch and wasn't interested in what I had to say, kind of let me get on with things (including doing all the domestic load and childcare) but also was an excellent provider with really good earning potential. We also didn't have sex anymore. When we split I had to move to a lower cost of living area and I have missed my old home and my way of life almost every day since, even when things have been good with my new partner. I don't enjoy where I live, I am struggling financially and having survived a dirt poor childhood I deeply regret giving up my stability.

My ex has now asked me to come back and try again. He and dd miss each other as much as he and I miss each other. We were together for many years and compromised on our personality differences for a very comfortable mutually enjoyable life. My family all tell me how love is the answer and being able to connect and converse and share interests is the key to happiness but I have not been happier even having that with the new man, I just feel down about all I have lost. My life with this new man, if it progresses, I worry will be a smaller life. It sounds so harsh nd unfair, especially as the new man is so kind and has no idea ex has contacted me or that I am seriously considering going back to him. He would be absolutely devastated if we split. But for a number of reasons I won't go into, I know this is last chance saloon with my ex and that door is about to close forever. If I could teleport back to my old life right now without hurting the new man, I 100% would. A little voice in my head is telling me I would miss the new man desperately over time and that I would feel lonely and bored back in my old life, but I know there would be good things too.

How do I do this? I am so afraid of making the wrong choice. It really does feel like a choice between laughter/sex/conversation and money/stability. No one has any idea I am facing this dilemma and I feel pretty ashamed. It feels like if I was truly happier without my ex I would have got there by now, we broke up over a year ago. But I am so depressed these days I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I think of my old home and life all the time and the opportunities there for DD were so much better. it seems like a no brainer... and yet, I will lose something really special.

Any thoughts on this.. I would really appreciate it.

I'm in a very similar situation and my future now terrifies me because I don't have the financial stability and security that I had with my ex.
But - now I laugh and have fun in a way that I never did in his company and that's the most important factor for me.
I made a promise to myself years ago that I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of my kids and the reality of that is really difficult. I want my kids to see me as a happy person who they can have fun with, like I do with my mum.

Going back to your ex doesn't sound like a good idea and you're setting your dc up for further heartbreak if it doesn't work out again. Has ex changed in any way?

Have you had a convo with your current partner about long term goals? Do you want more children etc? 8 months is very early days regardless.

Ultimately you need to choose between a below average relationship but high material benefits or a relationship that might be 'poorer' financially but you'd be much 'richer' emotionally speaking.
Money comes and goes. Being emotionally and spiritually fulfilled, sharing joy and being able to laugh daily with a partner is worth so much more. Honestly.

Sorry for the confusion ref what I said about my childhood. I was brought up 'middle class' but when my parents got divorced my high earner dad disappeared and because there were a fair few of us kids and my mum had to train to work and support us, we had very little money and lost our home, half of my childhood was spent pretending not to be dirt poor while trying to keep up with the joneses at our grammar schools, she did her best but we really struggled from when i was about 13 and I never went back home after getting into a good uni. I think this is why I am so preoccupied with financial stability as an adult. Like my dad my ex was a high earner in a corporate job, the irony is not lost! And my dad was pretty disinterested in us, too - we were very different people. I will say, I loved my ex very much though, for a long time - it wasn't all dull and sad. He just is a very solitary person, I suspect ND, who doesn't have the same needs as I do. Yet when things were good they were good, and dd loved being part of that family unit. I feel so guilty most days for that.

A lot of what I miss about my previous life is being with dd's dad and loving the place where we lived, we had to move and dd hasn't settled very well, and I know I haven't. In terms of the 'urgency' of getting back with ex I guess it is an ultimatum because he says he just wants to be able to move on but is willing to give us one more chance. He has previously been very angry with me for leaving. I believe he is done, if we don't reconcile this Xmas. The thought of losing that potential life feels worse than losing him, though. Last time I saw him with dd, he was very hot and cold to me and obviously massively resents me. he has sent me texts saying he hates me, since I left. I think he was devastated by the breakup. Yet he has not once offered to travel here to sort things out, he doesn't keep in regular touch with dd and he says it is on me to change to fix our issues as I broke us. Which, in leaving, I guess is true.

It's so shit because new man is talking about xmas plans and says he is happier with me than he can remember being, but all I can do is think about traveling back to my old life. I feel like if my nostalgia for my old life wasn't there, then maybe I would be really happy with new man, but I guess I dont' feel ready. It was too soon, but i'bve never met anyone like him before and he is awesome in many ways. We can go on hours long drives and talk and listen to music, we can binge watch the same shows and talk at length about our hobby. I never knew a relationship could be that way as I have never really clicked to that extent with my partners, I have tended to go for the same type of 'safe' guy. This one fixes my car, chats with dd about her fave animals, will put a wash on if he sees my laundry basket is full. It sounds pretty basic maybe but I am just not accustomed to it. I feel really ashamed that money and lifestyle are pulling me back. Why cant I just be happy in the now?

You're relying on someone else for your happiness. If you need stability, make it yourself - you are externalising your needs on to other people which isn't fair. Also I'm sorry to say but so much of your post is about material stuff - houses, holidays - again, things you can give yourself. No one owes you a lifestyle.

You left for very good reasons and you haven't once said you miss your ex for who he is as a person, just for what he can give you (materially). And what's with this door closing nonsense? Has he given you an ultimatum? He's an arse if so - please don't fall for that guff.

I'm not sure you've painted yourself very well in your post - because it does come across as shallow, but I'm also well aware that tone is everything and that people under stress don't always acquit themselves well when it comes to communicating.

I honestly think being single for a while would suit you best. Genuinely.

No, I dont think ex has changed, to answer many of your questions. He has in his head that because I was unhappy and left, I am the one who needs to change and go to therapy to sort my issues out (I am actually planning on doing that regardless, because of my childhood stuff, its definitely time for therapy. But ironically, if I am back with ex I will be able to get private therapy as opposed to going on a waiting list for nhs as I cant afford private myself right now.... another example of material benefit swaying me... I feel like such a dick.) He says it is on me to get a better state of mind and be more loving to him, because I checked out. he said he will 'try' too but it feels very one sided in a way.

We posted almost at the same time so I hadn't seen your update but this line is so telling: I feel really ashamed that money and lifestyle are pulling me back. Why cant I just be happy in the now?

Yes why? You need to get to the bottom of this. Would therapy help? I'm so sorry things are so confusing but don't muddle things further by getting back with someone who has said they hate you - nor should you lead the other chap down the garden path, because that is what you are doing. You can't be all that into him if you are considering going back to an ex. So let him free. Be single for a while and work on getting fulfilment from yourself.

I come from a working class background. My parents ensured that all 3 of their children went to uni. I am now middle class because of them. My husband does not have a degree, he doesn't earn as much as me, and he never will. He makes me happy however. He makes me laugh, cooks me lovely meals everyday, and is very attentive in bed. We have been married for 16 years (second marriage) and we have a daughter together who I would never be without.

Happiness is far more important than materialistic things.

I wish you all the best in your decision.🌻

I'm aware of how shallow I must sound and I guess I am trying to put across my thoughts in words to give myself a bit of a wake up call too. A lot of this is about my obsession with a kind of financial stability that has dictated my adult life, the type of jobs I have pursued, the choices I have made, which has caused me to feel quite emotionally unfulfilled but has given me material/financial stability. I dont think I am shallow deep down as I try to raise my dd with good values and I am a good friend and family member, I volunteer mentoring kids in my area, but I cant get away from this fear of losing everything again. As I said, therapy time...

Just realised you had replied to my question! Ignore me

That's a very fair and decent explanation. I am wishing nothing but good things for you. Therapy and singledom are a good combination! I've been seeing a therapist since May (lots of bereavements and my oldest friend had a terminal diagnosis in a very short space of time - oh and then perimenopause!) and probably will finish seeing her early in the new year as I've been able to unravel so much and it's been so helpful. She is also my biggest cheerleader and has helped me to take on new challenges that I wouldn't have had the confidence to do alone - but now I do, she's filled up my jug of self-esteem!

I totally understand your anxiety as my ex husband earned more or less the same as me - which made us confidently financially secure. It didn't make us happy though...You can't live a "financially comfortable life" forever if you aren't happy! You left him, so he didn't make you happy. 😔

I am not sure that going back to that you left is going to work out long term. You know better than me though so I will just wish you the best in making this decision.

Thanks for the advice. I feel like I am able to compartmentalise a lot, including my own needs/feelings and I know ex will not be able to fulfil those but it is true that financial stability does allow you to do more with your life and the same for my child. I almost miss that freedom to live almost separate lives with H but come back together as and when. But at the same time, the thought of going back to not having anything in common, watching tv on my own, doing all the chores myself... it feels so unthinkable now I have had a change. It's all very confusing. I wish ex would be more rational about this and help come together to plan a reconciliation instead of telling me to come back or it's over. I feel like all the responsibility is on me for everybody in this scenario. Like several peoples happiness is in my hands. It sucks.

That’s so much clearer. And nicer! So apologies for my earlier terse comments…
If you go back - you’ll get rid of your insecurities but you’ll be unhappy. I’d bet your ex will be different if you return - he’ll be resentful and angry, will want your return to be on his terms. He’s already said you need therapy to sort out YOUR problems that made you leave.
On the other hand, you’ve found someone who seems to dote on you and make you happy. These things don’t grow on trees.
But it won’t deal with your need for financial stability and security.
So please have an honest conversation with him (not about your ex!) about what you feel you need and why, see if you can find a way forward.
As a by the bye - I don’t think you need therapy. You know what made you what you are and you know what you want. And of these 2 men, you only stand a chance of getting it with one of them, and only then if you’re clear with him about what you need.
Good luck

No judgment here, I've been broke and I've been comfortable and I know the feeling of just being DONE with being broke despite the greater freedom etc. But I would say that if a comfortable lifestyle is a priority for you then you can work towards it yourself - relying on a man to provide it for you is the opposite of security (as you have experienced in leaving your ex).

I will aslo say that

We can go on hours long drives and talk and listen to music, we can binge watch the same shows and talk at length about our hobby. I never knew a relationship could be that way as I have never really clicked to that extent with my partners, I have tended to go for the same type of 'safe' guy. This one fixes my car, chats with dd about her fave animals, will put a wash on if he sees my laundry basket is full.

this sounds like a really lovely relationship, just a nice and pleasant way to spend time, while

he was very hot and cold to me and obviously massively resents me. he has sent me texts saying he hates me, since I left. I think he was devastated by the breakup. Yet he has not once offered to travel here to sort things out, he doesn't keep in regular touch with dd and he says it is on me to change to fix our issues as I broke us

this sounds horrible.

It's only been 8 months with the guy you're seeing now. You don't need to think of it as long-term yet. At some point, when you're ready to have a big conversation about what you want your future to look like, you can hash out the differences between you and see if they're insurmountable or not. Til then allow yourself to have something nice in your life.

Last time I saw him with dd, he was very hot and cold to me and obviously massively resents me. he has sent me texts saying he hates me, since I left. I think he was devastated by the breakup. Yet he has not once offered to travel here to sort things out, he doesn't keep in regular touch with dd and he says it is on me to change to fix our issues as I broke us. Which, in leaving, I guess is true.

I can understand him being hurt and resentful about the break up, but not only does he not intend to even TRY fixing his side of the problems, he doesn't even care about his child. And that for me would be the non-negotiable.

Your new guy sounds fantastic.

As others have mentioned, gaining financial stability is a fine goal, but you are doomed to misery if you make that the sole purpose of a relationship. Most people work a job they may dislike for the sake of financial gains, but they can come home from work and relax with the ones they love. In your case, you'd be "at work" 24hrs a day without any conversation, enjoyment, fun, sex, or anything to nourish your soul. And there's absolutely nothing to stop your ex (or any other partner) from deciding he's happier without you and pulling the rug from under you. If you work instead on your own earning potential, that would surely be a more sustainable and fulfilling future for you and DD.

You ex sounds like a complete and utter bell end who hasn't learnt a thing.

Your current guy sounds so lovely but honestly if you feel so incompatible then maybe you should let him go and spend some time being single for a while. Work on your self worth and confidence.

Oh god.

Please, please, please, whatever you do just don't go back to this dickhead.

Given how resentful and unwilling to take any responsibility your ex appears to be, you'd be daft to go back to him.

Your new bloke may not be right for you, but that's OK too. Why expect the first bloke that comes along to be the right fit?

Just focus on building your new life.

I don't think it will work if you return given your latest update re; how your ex has been since you split up. He sounds horrible and resentful.

What would it take for you to have a lifestyle you'd be happy enough with? Do you own the home you're in? Any further career potential? Can you move to a nicer area but a smaller place so you feel more at ease in the nicer environment. As to the new man relationship, continue to have fun but maybe start asking questions about how he envisages life going. He might turn out to be a freeloader so I would wait a very long time before allowing him to move in. If your gut is telling you this won't work out, then maybe steer it into friend territory if possible.

You also say new man has lucrative work and investments so he doesn't sound insolvent. Its very early days still but as you get more serious you could say that stability and consistency is very important to you so you'd prefer someone with a stable job who can contribute consistently financially if it were to become a serious relationship.

My ex isn't that bad, I dont want to paint him that way -- he was bewildered that I left (although we also had a trial separation a couple months before we split up) and he sees me as selfish, this is why I am surprised he is giving it another chance, as recently he told me to stop talking to his mum and also refused to open a birthday present me and dd sent him as he 'didn't want any presents from me'. but I know this comes from a place of anger and loneliness, I dont judge him for it. I guess it upsets me that even early in our separation he didn't come see me or show any desire to 'fight for us', it has been me making the effort for him to see dd and early on, I begged for another chance as I regretted leaving, but I feel he has used this to give him more power in the situation. I dont think he deals very well with feelings in general. He could have moved on already but he hasn't, and yet he has made it very hard for us to talk kindly in recent months, yet now wants me to come back and do Christmas. when we talked about it, he said he couldn't give me any assurances but that he wanted to see that I was able to change and make an effort by going to therapy, etc. It is a little frustrating that I feel I put in 150% for years of our relationship and then when I stopped doing that, he has disregarded everything I did in the past, he says I was a bad partner and that he didn't think he did anything wrong. And I guess he didnt- except regular sulking, refusing to compromise on parenting with me, storming off and also just generally not bothering with me or dd much at the best of times. The amount of times he would start an argument with me in bed when I was about to go to sleep, or when he couldn't emotionally support me through a tough personal crisis I had that let to me barely eating for months. We have had really high times and like I've said, I loved our life - all the externalities - and I feel I have had to give up so much; friends, time to myself, the home I made nice, career progression which is much better in the city we used to live than where I am now. the thought that I could have all that back and stop worrying about money is so tempting right now, when I am worrying about the heating bill and damp issues in my flat and dd is withdrawn and not enjoying her new school, it's all my fault like I voluntarily threw a bomb in our lives. But then, a life is also about the people in it. And my new(ish) partner pulls his weight and really does care for me, I know that to be true. He has seen me in some very bad times and it hasnt changed his feeling for me.

I guess it's also that awful thing in the end of a relationship where you miss the potential of what 'could' have been, and romanticise those early days, when we were having fun in our city without childcare issues and we still had sex, at some point he stopped looking after himself and became obsessed with work and more and more like his grumpy dad. I was so lonely so much of the time, for a period I even got a bit addicted to an online community because I needed contact and stimulation so much. I actually made a a few threads on here about ex 3 years ago, looking back, complaining about his gaming and his moods. I was getting my head turned in the relationship which I know isn't good.

This is just a brain dump, but this thread is helping a lot. Poor new guy is being sidelined and I am only just realising quite how unfair that is when reading back my posts and other peoples. It is totally true that I need to make my own happiness; I have taken a back seat with work, as well as hobbies and friends, and I need to take back some control of my life instead of getting so depressed. Many days I will just sleep in if I am not working until later, and I'm not motivated to exercise, to read or do anything, and it's just getting worse. It's like I am stuck in the past and unable to move on.

I think you're seeing this in the wrong way, as a lot of people in this situation do.

You're not choosing between new man and your old relationship exactly as it was before you left, you're choosing between new man and a different kind of relationship with your ex - one where he will perennially resent you, you will be the one who did 'wrong', you will be the one who always has to make things up to him. It's not like you can go back in time and start back where you were, where the main problem was the lack of sex and conversation and him not doing chores. This will be a new old relationship, and to be honest it doesn't sound fantastic for anyone involved, especially not your daughter

Your ex has told you he hates you for goodness' sake. He won't be able to turn off that feeling when you go back, especially if he refuses to go to counselling. I'd stick with the new man if I were you

New man doesn't have financial issues, no. He has a niche skillset that allows him to work pretty much anywhere and for good pay, and he has also got a passive income through long term smart investing in his spare time. He does pay for grocery shops, anything else that's appropriate, and is generous but we dont live together and no plans to do this from my side because of dd, which he gets. It's not money that concerns me with him, I guess it's that he is the polar opposite of my ex. He actually reminds me a bit of a beloved relative I have, who is super smart and fun and I can talk for hours with, but a bit unconventional in the way they've lived their life. He does seem very happy though and has had a lot of self work and knows who he is.

I think you would very much regret going back to your ex.