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Original poster

Partner lied about "surprise " would you be mad?

117 replies

ohohohho · 11/12/2024 16:41

It's my Birthday on Christmas Day.
I was hoping to have a night away this weekend and maybe a nice meal.
I did this for my partner last month on his birthday.
At first he said the hotels are a waste of money on a Saturday night (only night we could stay over ) and he would look into it.
After a week I asked if he found anything he said no but had booked me a surprise in York and we were going but not staying over.
I said okay.
Today he has told me (after me asking for hints ) that there's no surprise and he just said that to stop me booking a hotel somewhere that was overpriced.
He said by telling me about a surprise it stopped me rushing ahead booking stuff.
He has paid for the train on Sunday (he knows we can't stay over as we both have work Monday )
Would you be annoyed ?

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 12/12/2024 07:59

Imisschocolate17 · 11/12/2024 23:13

Sorry OP but I don't think this is entirely on your DP.

You are coming across (to me at least) as grabby and demanding and stomping your feet when you don't get what you want. In that sense I don't particularly blame your DP in trying to manage your expectations. Those saying he has deceived you and is tight is a bit full on. You've asked for something, he doesn't want to give it, we can't all have what we ask for just because we want it otherwise every kid would have the full Smyths catalog and Apple store under the Christmas tree.

He told you with notice that he was planning a day in York and not staying over, you knew that was the plan and that is what you are getting.

If you wanted a night away then you needed to book and pay for it for yourself when it was clear he didn't want to do that. Why expect that of him, do you let people dictate to you what you get them and do for their birthdays?

From your update you have clearly had other trips away and holiday very recently, another one so soon is a lot, even if it is something you want. No mention of finances and if this is something he can actually afford anyway. It sounds more like he is trying to reign in excessive behaviour to me.

But what about him lying to prevent her making her own arrangements? That is deception.

Deathraystare · 12/12/2024 08:57

Next year go somewhere yourself. And don't go all out for his birthday either. A pair of socks if you can be bothered!

Chocolately · 12/12/2024 09:02

AnonAnonmystery · 11/12/2024 22:57

What an awful combination of deceit and tightness rolled into one.

Agree with above. Not attractive at all. Please tell us he's not your husband, as I couldn't be married to someone like this.

MumonabikeE5 · 12/12/2024 09:05

ohohohho · 11/12/2024 16:49

Festive markets and then go for cocktails and food somewhere.
I wanted to go down on Saturday and stay overnight but he didn't want to pay the hotel prices on a Saturday night as in his words "they taking our eyes out "

But why did he accept you doing it for him?

Gamerlady · 12/12/2024 09:20

How awful for you that he has already ruined your special day. The fact that he has lied to you would be a big issue and being tight . I would not let this go. I'd refuse the ticket and let him go on his own as it's clearly what he wanted and not you .

BigHoops · 12/12/2024 09:48

OP you are not wrong to feel like this. You want a night away in a hotel, you are entitled to that!

I often share this story on the disappointing birthday threads. For my 30th, I asked my DP if we could go for a nice meal. I knew he was shit at booking things so expectations were managed. But I didn't so much as hint as told him the restaurant I wanted to go to - a new but reasonably priced Indian place.

He did not book it. Instead, he opted for a Thai restaurant that was way out of town. I don't like Thai food, he knew this very well. It was shabby and cheap, but the real reason he'd booked it became clear when he 'popped out' to meet his dealer. Yes - the twat has chosen this place because he knew his dealer would be in the neighborhood and he wanted his hash supply. He was gone for 20 minutes. During which time I sank a bottle of nasty wine and tried not to notice the sympathetic looks from the waiter.

This was many years ago and he is very much an ex. My DH excels at birthdays and always makes sure that I get to have what I want. That's the relationship you deserve. I don't know your age or situation but please, don't settle for less - best present you could give yourself is starting a new year without him.

And happy birthday when it comes, hope you can treat yourself.

missod · 12/12/2024 10:08

You want an expensive night in a hotel for your birthday, but it's not your actual birthday and you've just come back from holiday. You're also staying in a hotel 2 days after your birthday. I'm not overly sympathetic to be honest OP.

Starlight1979 · 12/12/2024 10:13

Yeah I wouldn't be happy about this.

DP booked a surprise for my birthday this year which cost quite a bit of money (we have a joint account so I saw the payment going out to Booking.com - the downside to having shared finances!). I was a bit worried we couldn't afford it but I was just so grateful he had gone to the effort of planning something and putting lots of thought into it.

Unless you're massively struggling with money then I would be pissed off at him begrudging to pay for one night in a nice hotel somewhere as a treat for you.

sausagesforteaagain · 12/12/2024 10:17

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 11/12/2024 16:55

Ill get flamed but this would be a dumping offence from me. I can't stand tightness. Sorry he's treating your birthday like this OP.

Yeah me too. It won’t get any better.

Mmhmmn · 12/12/2024 10:23

ohohohho · 11/12/2024 16:49

Festive markets and then go for cocktails and food somewhere.
I wanted to go down on Saturday and stay overnight but he didn't want to pay the hotel prices on a Saturday night as in his words "they taking our eyes out "

Why are some men so lacking in perspective when it comes to their partner’s/wive’s birthday? ONE day that they need to pull the finger out for and think of someone else and they can’t do it. Even when TOLD what would be a nice thing to arrange.

Consider him to be on thin ice, OP. Being tight with money over your birthday is pretty unattractive.

In the interest of balance, some caveats - this country is ridiculously expensive and it is December and he might be skint or anticipating being skint after Christmas.

However! I still think you’d asked for an overnight and it could be managed with a bit of thinking ahead. Some men just don’t like doing what they’re asked.

allthatfalafel · 12/12/2024 10:34

Out of curiosity how much is too much for him to spend? I just looked at Booking.com and you can get an 8/10 hotel in York on Saturday night for £170, or for £200 a 9/10 one in a deluxe room including breakfast. There also look to be ones around the £135 mark at guest houses etc.

Doesn't sound expensive to me? And probably would have been cheaper had he planned further ahead.

ShelfyElfy · 12/12/2024 10:37

missod · 12/12/2024 10:08

You want an expensive night in a hotel for your birthday, but it's not your actual birthday and you've just come back from holiday. You're also staying in a hotel 2 days after your birthday. I'm not overly sympathetic to be honest OP.

I agree with this tbh. You've just had a holiday and now want a night away this close to Christmas?

Beamur · 12/12/2024 10:40

He shouldn't have lied, but I think you're being unreasonable. It's not as if you're going away actually on your birthday - you're squeezing yet another expensive trip in between two others!

piscofrisco · 12/12/2024 10:49

Cheapskate and a bit manipulative with it. Sack that off.

Lemonadeand · 12/12/2024 10:55

Lying about a surprise and then there being no surprise is really cruel. I wouldn’t be going with him.

Codlingmoths · 12/12/2024 10:58

Do you HAVE to be at work Monday? Because you should book a hotel and stay over. Don’t invite him. ‘What I wanted for my birthday was a night in a hotel. Turns out I have to give it to myself, you have a train to catch. See you Monday night.’

Gggglinda · 12/12/2024 11:01

Rude! He was happy to accept his weekend away but can't reciprocate it.

TheDayoftheJackal · 12/12/2024 11:22

Apart from your DH being a complete prick about the whole thing, I honestly have a good think about York!

The last two weekends have been absolute disgusting at the markets, literally shuffling along the streets shoulder to shoulder, pubs and bars rammed and you'll have to book somewhere to eat!

loropianalover · 12/12/2024 11:29

I’ve read all of your updates OP. At this point I’d tell him to cancel his train tickets, and you just book a nice hotel for yourself on Saturday night. One with a pool/sauna and room service.

I disagree with other opinions here that you are being grabby or demanding. He can pay for Tenerife and Manchester but when it’s something for you and your birthday occasion, all of a sudden the hotels are too costly. Lying about having booked a ‘surprise’ is also quite cruel and frankly a bizarre way for a grown adult to act.

SpryCat · 12/12/2024 11:38

Book yourself a night away on Saturday in York just for yourself and treat yourself as your partner doesn’t give a shite and has only booked the train to York to shut you up for your birthday. He can meet you in York on the Sunday and you can travel back together. Make sure to get the return train ticket from him (for safekeeping) before announcing your surprise. If he feels annoyed he is missing out then he only has his self to blame. It’s not because he is a tight arse it’s because he doesn’t feel your birthday is worthy of celebrating unlike his and anything you would love to do he wouldn’t and as he is only interested in himself he can’t be arsed.

Foundpresents · 12/12/2024 11:40

Book Monday off and yourself a nice hotel. At the end of the night say oh I’ll see you tomorrow, I’m staying - bye!

bigkidatheart · 12/12/2024 11:53

ohohohho · 11/12/2024 16:49

Festive markets and then go for cocktails and food somewhere.
I wanted to go down on Saturday and stay overnight but he didn't want to pay the hotel prices on a Saturday night as in his words "they taking our eyes out "

£120 for a hotel 1 mile from the centre available saturday night, thats a very good price for York

sarah12398 · 12/12/2024 14:28

TheDayoftheJackal · 12/12/2024 11:22

Apart from your DH being a complete prick about the whole thing, I honestly have a good think about York!

The last two weekends have been absolute disgusting at the markets, literally shuffling along the streets shoulder to shoulder, pubs and bars rammed and you'll have to book somewhere to eat!

This. I live in the centre and avoid it at this time of year!!

Workingthroughit · 12/12/2024 14:40

ohohohho · 11/12/2024 16:49

Festive markets and then go for cocktails and food somewhere.
I wanted to go down on Saturday and stay overnight but he didn't want to pay the hotel prices on a Saturday night as in his words "they taking our eyes out "

Sorry love - that’s what you get when you get together with someone whose birthday falls just before Christmas.

YANBU.

burntheleaves · 12/12/2024 17:26

Without knowing your financial situation it's impossible to say. Are you a crazy spender? You say you've recently been to Tenerife, Manchester and a night away for his birthday. Maybe you just spend too much money?