Partner lied about "surprise " would you be mad?

[ohohohho]

It's my Birthday on Christmas Day.
I was hoping to have a night away this weekend and maybe a nice meal.
I did this for my partner last month on his birthday.
At first he said the hotels are a waste of money on a Saturday night (only night we could stay over ) and he would look into it.
After a week I asked if he found anything he said no but had booked me a surprise in York and we were going but not staying over.
I said okay.
Today he has told me (after me asking for hints ) that there's no surprise and he just said that to stop me booking a hotel somewhere that was overpriced.
He said by telling me about a surprise it stopped me rushing ahead booking stuff.
He has paid for the train on Sunday (he knows we can't stay over as we both have work Monday )
Would you be annoyed ?

I'm a fella, and I'd never lie to my wife like that. She'd be so let down, disappointed, and humiliated. I'm sorry to say that your man sounds like a tight fisted, selfish arsehole.

The lying is the issue here, plus the manipulation and the fact he thinks you are stupid enough to book something over priced. It's only overpriced if it's not worth it to you, and also, if he'd booked it ages ago it might have been cheaper...

So you booked a hotel and paid for a weekend away for HIS birthday very recently, but he’s refusing to do the same for you? What a tight fisted, mean spirited, lying arsehole.

What did he do for your birthday and Christmas last year? Or is this your first one together?

My ex put the clocks on for an hour and then got me up early off nights by lying about the time. He thought it was hilarious and it suited his plans. I thought I should leave him.
I did leave him but not till quite a bit later.
This kind of careless dishonesty and lack of respect is so damaging for relationships.

I think the point here is it's YOUR birthday and he is doing what he wants. Yes it's better than nothing but he isn't listening to your wishes (an overnight stay). Unless you are really tight on money this would really upset me.

That would be a dumping offence for me too, most likely. If he doesn't want to spend that much then ok, we will adjust expectations. But I wouldn't wish to be lied to and controlled. He should have had the conversation. You could have arranged something else with friends or solo if you'd known.

no flaming from me

@RubyRedBow

why should she do the booking? It’s her birthday and her partner should be organising something

OP you don't want to do what he's planning. Book something for yourself, see if a pals free. I'd be telling him to stick his train tickets up his arse.

He's right so close to Christmas, for a Christmas Day birthday I'd want spoiling in mid January where he would be able to get a good deal on something far better.

Fwiw York IS very expensive (not just around Christmas) and you often have to book Friday and Saturday night.
So as far as cost is concerned, I’d be tempted to agree with him.

BUT what is an issue is the emotional immaturity and the inability to bring what should be a quite small problem to find a solution with you.

The more it goes the less Im tolerating people who can’t do-operate with their own partner and have the maturity of a 7yo having a tantrum over not getting what they wanted.

But that's what you want - not what OP wants. She was clear with her partner what she wanted to do. The time for him to speak up would have been then. Lying to her that he's booked a surprise and then telling her it's a load of old bull because he doesn't want to spend the money, is shitty behaviour.

I'd be VERY annoyed by being bullshitted and fobbed off, yes.

Tight as a crab's arse this one. There are few things less attractive than someone with short arms and deep pockets.

How far is it for you to travel to York? I live a 20 mins train away so for me a day trip like yours would be fine, however if it's over an hour on the train then I'd want a hotel cos the train can be such a slog on the way home if it's a long journey.

Think carefully if you want to spend another set of birthdays next year together, if so, I'd deffo reign in the spending on his, he'd be lucky to get a takeaway!

Personally i think the markets and cocktails sound fine but the lying is a different matter. I wouldn't bother doing anything for his birthday ever again.

@dothehokeycokey I do this! Got so fed up of rubbish birthdays i now plan the day i want for myself and do it. i have no problem sitting in a spa or going our for food on my own. Avoid alot of disappointment.

He doesn't sound great. Does he usually have redeeming qualities?

I couldn't live with this level of mean-spiritedness I'm afraid. How petty, unkind and profoundly unattractive.

Would you have been happy to stay somewhere other than York? I tried to booked mid Dec for DH bday last year and it was insane - over £300 for even a very ordinary 2 hotel. We went to Leeds instead and had a lovely weekend - 4 hotel £139.

That is disgusting
He not only lied but has in consequence stopped you looking for somewhere to stay
Considering you did the same for his birthday, it's not to much to expect him to reciprocate.
I absolutely hate meanness and tightness and frankly I wouldn't stick around to give him the chance to do it again
I am sorry

We are 1 1/2 hours away from York
I wasn't fussed where we went
I would of went anywhere tbh
I just wanted a night in a hotel

Can you both afford a weekend away each for your birthdays?

Seems a lot to spend just for a birthday?

I'd be upset about it because

1. It is difficult to trust someone again once you know that they have deliberately lied to you
2. he seems to have lied IN ORDER TO control (what he believes) your reactions (will be) - that is, in order to control you and regulate your behaviour. That could be an early sign of abuse via coercive control. Even if it's not, he shouldn't be treating his partner like a willful and wayward child. If you want to go to York for your birthday and stay overnight in a hotel, why shouldn't you? And if you go ahead a book one and pay for it, so what? He doesn't have to come with you.

Why can't he just say "I can't afford a hotel for a Saturday night in York" or "I can't justify paying the prices for a hotel in York on a Saturday night" and make an alternative suggestion? Why is his view (hotel too expensive) and his choice (don't go) any more "right" than yours?

I suspect he's refusing to have the conversation with you and taking the easy way out by shutting you up with the promise of sweeties because he doesn't respect you or at the very least doesn't trust your judgement. But you'll know best if that theory makes sense in the context of your relationship.

I'd tell him to stick his shitty day trip up his arse.

Then go and find someone who actually loved me and wanted to do nice things for me. He's a twat