Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband paying his siblings utility bills and council tax

113 replies

Sammie2006 · 10/12/2024 21:08

My husband has been paying the utility bills and council tax of his family home ( 7 bedroom house) which him and his two siblings inherited equally 10 years ago. The property is mortgage free and his two siblings (aged 60 and 50) have been living there for many years. My husband and I live in a 2 bed flat nearby with our 7 year old. My husband has been suffering from severe depression for the past 10 months and hasn’t been able to work due to which we are struggling financially. His siblings want him to continue paying the bills of their family home and he continues to do so. I don’t understand why my husband can’t say no to his siblings. Both of his siblings also have a huge hoarding issue and never want to sell their family home. I am beginning to resent my husband over this matter as I don’t have a clue why he doesn’t want to put a stop to paying their bills now that we are in huge financial difficulty ourselves. His siblings say it’s his responsibility to pay the bills no matter what. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 15/12/2024 10:47

Sammie2006 · 14/12/2024 23:55

Husband says that I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him but on the other hand he doesn’t want to stop paying his siblings bills until the money completely runs out. I don’t know what he is thinking. Talking to him about these things is like talking to a wall. I really don’t know what to do.

So what's your DH options here OP? Does he want you to take on a second job so you can provide financially for you, DC, DH and DH siblings? Does he want to make you and DC homeless? Does he want you and DC to have no financial stability so he can feel better about providing for his siblings? Does he want to sink your and DC future so he doesn't have to make difficult choices?

He may say you are the best thing to happen to him but his actions say he doesn't give a flying fig about the stress he's placing on you. Ironically you divorcing him could be the best thing to break him free of his siblings as his share of that house will need to be considered during divorce proceedings and a sale could be forced or his siblings will have to start paying their own way. I would be giving serious thought to whether you want to continue this marriage for the sake of your and DC financial stability.

DoughnutDonna · 15/12/2024 11:50

Op. You've got 2 choices really here if the current situation isn't what you want (realistically this choice is going to be forced through anyway due to money running out, so it's a WHEN not IF situation).

You need an honest conversation with DH.

Sit him down and explain that you love him and have supported him, but you will not accept this situation going on until it drags your family of 3 down with them.

Give him a choice.

Option A) Does he you to get hands on and support? Appoint an estate agent, get a valuation, get the legal side of things kicking off so that the courts will force the sale of the house, which should have happened 10 years ago. Write off the rent the siblings owe him. The condition of him accepting A is that he stops impeding you. This situation is affecting you and your child, if he chooses this, he needs to go all in and accept the likelihood that his siblings will get vocal and cut him off. He'll take this if he wants to sort the situation but out of his depression he can't see a route forward because he can't face dealing with his freeloader siblings.

If he doesn't want to do A, he's made his choice - his siblings over his own wife and children.

You can therefore assume:

Option B) divorce, to start protecting yourself & child from his emotional situation and financial downward spiral. You might say you'll continue to support him emotionally but legally you need firewalls.

It really is that simple op.

Write him a letter, short, if needed. But don't look back in 10 years and realise you've been working to bail all 3 adults out.

Your child deserves someone to step up and be the adult here, because the other 3 "adults" are basically burying their head under duvet hoping the problem will go away by magic.

Your husband depressed doesn't change the fact that you need to protect yourself and DC. It's a simple as that.

Don't let the emotional guilt tripping convince you otherwise.

DoughnutDonna · 15/12/2024 11:51

Ironically you divorcing him could be the best thing to break him free of his siblings as his share of that house will need to be considered during divorce proceedings and a sale could be forced or his siblings will have to start paying their own way

Indeed. You can't force them to take action,but you don't need to go off the cliff with them all. Step off the crazy train.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 15/12/2024 15:16

Sammie2006 · 14/12/2024 23:55

Husband says that I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him but on the other hand he doesn’t want to stop paying his siblings bills until the money completely runs out. I don’t know what he is thinking. Talking to him about these things is like talking to a wall. I really don’t know what to do.

Husband says that I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him

Well, he's not wrong about that is he? Your patience and tolerance appear to be infinite, but is that a good thing for you and your child?

Yalta · 07/02/2025 13:41

Not saying you should but could you move into the house and insist you create your own apartment within the house.
Which would mean they had to clear rooms for you. Whilst you save for your new place. It would also mean Bil and sil would have to live with the reality of not having their own way

Or threaten divorce and list the 1/3rd ownership of the house as something you want a share of

How bad is their hoarding. Is it at the level that it could be a danger to them and in a fire it could prevent their escape. I would put your concerns to the local council or report them as vulnerable people and get them assessed

It could force them to clean up their act or have the council do it for them.

It sounds like their inheritance was a golden cage in which they got trapped

Sammie2006 · 08/02/2025 18:29

Yalta · 07/02/2025 13:41

Not saying you should but could you move into the house and insist you create your own apartment within the house.
Which would mean they had to clear rooms for you. Whilst you save for your new place. It would also mean Bil and sil would have to live with the reality of not having their own way

Or threaten divorce and list the 1/3rd ownership of the house as something you want a share of

How bad is their hoarding. Is it at the level that it could be a danger to them and in a fire it could prevent their escape. I would put your concerns to the local council or report them as vulnerable people and get them assessed

It could force them to clean up their act or have the council do it for them.

It sounds like their inheritance was a golden cage in which they got trapped

Thank you for your advice. The situation now is that my DH is still extremely depressed and still not working and spends all day in bed. If DH doesn’t go back to work soon his money will run out and I won’t be able to pay the apartment mortgage on my single salary. DH is also continuing to pay his siblings bills etc. I am feeling mentally, emotionally and physically drained.

The living rooms of the inherited property aren’t too bad but all the 7 bedrooms are full to the brim with things. There’s hoarding in the garden and outside the house they are hoarding old cars which take up the driveway and parking spaces outside the house.

OP posts:
Yalta · 08/02/2025 21:25

That sounds like something you could complain to the local council about and get adult SS to do a welfare check done on the pair of them as they are obviously not coping living on their own.

This you could do without getting your dh involved in. You could try doing it anonymously

The doubt the neighbours are happy to live next door to hoarders

Yalta · 08/02/2025 21:33

Better to flag it now as the money is running out than when the money has run out as then they can sort a placement for them or know they will need a placement at some point as they can’t live in a house they can’t afford to.

The best thing for your husband to do is tell them there is no more money now. He isn’t actually doing them any favours capitulating to their demands

If he had said no when this all started I don’t think they would be in the state they are in. They might have gone out and got a life

I presume that they have always had money and were never told no. I think the shock of not being able to afford anything and they are poor like everyone else won’t sink in at first. I think there will be anger and begging and pleading followed by a lot of overblown ideas of how they can make lots of cash quickly whilst looking down on people who go to work and I can almost forecast they will be scammed

They are ripe for it

thepariscrimefiles · 09/02/2025 09:09

Sammie2006 · 08/02/2025 18:29

Thank you for your advice. The situation now is that my DH is still extremely depressed and still not working and spends all day in bed. If DH doesn’t go back to work soon his money will run out and I won’t be able to pay the apartment mortgage on my single salary. DH is also continuing to pay his siblings bills etc. I am feeling mentally, emotionally and physically drained.

The living rooms of the inherited property aren’t too bad but all the 7 bedrooms are full to the brim with things. There’s hoarding in the garden and outside the house they are hoarding old cars which take up the driveway and parking spaces outside the house.

When the money runs out, he won't be able to pay his siblings' bills. You need to contact your mortgage lender to see whether you can take a mortgage holiday. He is ruining you financially and doesn't seem to care.

Princessfluffy · 09/02/2025 09:31

OP I feel for you in this situation and I hope you have some kind of support to lean into for yourself.

How do you see things panning out at the moment?
Are you in any danger of having your own home reposessed?

AlertCat · 09/02/2025 15:22

As you’re married I don’t understand why OP cannot take control of the bill payments and just cancel them. If the husband has essentially given up then their financial security is down to her now. No?

Justsayit123 · 22/02/2025 11:38

So you dh is prepared to lose your house. I’d be furious. Tell your sh to move into the 7 bed home or clear it to sell.

rainbowstardrops · 22/02/2025 11:46

I've only just come across your post from December @Sammie2006

How are things now? I hope you have some sort of resolution.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page