Husband paying his siblings utility bills and council tax

[Sammie2006]

My husband has been paying the utility bills and council tax of his family home ( 7 bedroom house) which him and his two siblings inherited equally 10 years ago. The property is mortgage free and his two siblings (aged 60 and 50) have been living there for many years. My husband and I live in a 2 bed flat nearby with our 7 year old. My husband has been suffering from severe depression for the past 10 months and hasn’t been able to work due to which we are struggling financially. His siblings want him to continue paying the bills of their family home and he continues to do so. I don’t understand why my husband can’t say no to his siblings. Both of his siblings also have a huge hoarding issue and never want to sell their family home. I am beginning to resent my husband over this matter as I don’t have a clue why he doesn’t want to put a stop to paying their bills now that we are in huge financial difficulty ourselves. His siblings say it’s his responsibility to pay the bills no matter what. Any advice would be appreciated.

It sounds like all 3 siblings have serious mental health problems/behavioural problems. Hoarding to this extent is not usual. OP's husband is or was functioning best in the dysfunctional set up but has come to the end of his tether.

A legal route does sound the best option, but even that will present difficulties if the OP's DH does not agree - she can't make him!

@Sammie2006 ensure you have your own finances separate from your husband's.

Thats giving them exactly what they want and consider they’re entitled to whilst signing over hundred of thousands of pounds. Op’s dh can’t work and earn the big bucks anymore or for the time being at the very least. They need to think about securing their future.

I just wanted to point out that someone will buy a large house in an expensive area, whatever the state of the interior. It will be a refurbishment job.

We bought a hoarder’s house. We couldn’t even walk into some of the rooms during the viewing, but had viewed many similar properties and knew what we were getting.

Part way through the process they postponed completion by a month in order to get all their stuff out, but we didn’t mind!

Sounds like some sort of coercive control by the siblings, that’s a crime. No wonder DH is depressed! What a nightmare scenario.

I agree with pp:
1- contact utility companies and inform them you no longer have responsibility for the bills. You don’t need to tell the siblings for this if you don’t want to, or it could be presented as a fait accompli because it isn’t up to them.
2- if it were me I would get some legal advice about the rest of it. It’s an untenable situation as it stands.

Exactly.
The house will get repossessed anyway when the bills stop being paid.
The house will go to auction and get a lot less than it's true worth.
Make sure you don't get drag down with the ship - your flat ...
You may find once the house is gone (dh's anger/resentment he feels guilty for having, towards his hoarding, domineering , selfish, grabby sisters) his depression starts to clear.
Depression can often be caused by anger, turned inwards.

Yes, they will be aware of this of course. OP and her husband aren’t in a position to throw away hundreds of thousands of pounds!

the house is owned unencumbered. They inherited it.its council tax and energy bills op is paying It won’t be repossessed for council tax debts and the electricity will just be cut off.

DH and his siblings are clearly all suffering from poor mental health. Hoarding is commonly associated with loss.

The current situation is simply unsustainable so either it all falls apart and drags you down with it or I think you need to step up and drive the bus here.

This is utterly, utterly insane.

The house will not be repossessed.

If those responsible for the bills don't pay then they may face bankruptcy proceedings.

Their only asset is 1/3 of a house each which would be used towards any debts once sold.

The OP isn't liable for these debts so their share of the house would be protected.

The house sounds run down and I almost wonder if the OP would reduce his stress by just signing it over to the other 2.

Ask chat gpt what to do. Put all the info in, and ask how it suggests you husband stops paying.

If he just stops, what can they do?

Sounds like he needs someone to advocate for him at the moment, so I'd take over the comms, and tell them - no more.

Realistically he can only control his actions not the actions of others.

It sounds as though your husband has been taken well and truly for quite a long ride by his siblings.

He needs some brief legal advice firstly, this will help him feel confident about stopping paying bills for the house.

He might need clarification on council tax but I'm pretty sure it's not his responsibility to pay if he's not living there and others are. It would be a good idea to pass the details of the current occupiers to the council.

Then, help him cancel paying the bills and help him write emails and a letter to say this simply, no detailed explanation. Just the facts.

I'd also contact land registry and make sure he's registered as part owner, and put in the next level of security with land registry. This makes the legal checks harder if someone were to try to take him of the deeds as revenge....

Then do nothing.

He's in a good position whereby his actions won't affect his legal share of the house. But his actions will prompt the occupiers to pay the bills or be cut off.

The time has come to face up to his bullies. The gravy train is ending.

I don't understand why your husband is not interested in realising his own share of the house, but the good news is that it will be classed as a marital asset when you divorce him for being a wet lettuce.

I don’t think an inheritance automatically counts as matrimonial assets in a divorce unless it has been paid into a joint account or has been used to generate income for the family. In this case he’s had no benefit from it at all so I very much doubt she’d have a claim on it.

He doesn't need to give them his share, he just needs to drop the rope. Forcing the sale would be ideal (including claiming his contribution to the extension) but it sounds like he will struggle with that so baby steps.

Does he agree that he can't afford to pay their bills when he is unemployed? Does he know it's unreasonable to spend limited family savings on his adult siblings?

It sounds like there are very unhealthy dynamics at play here.

If he can't afford the bills and noone has the guts to step up and challenge the siblings all he can do is walk away.

Is he prepared to do that?

Sadly, he is enabling them by paying the bills. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet. The problem here is how long this has gone on for, so the problems are likely quite entrenched by this stage.

The fact your husband won’t stop paying their bills even despite being out of work is alarming and it’s now putting you and your family at real financial risk. I understand he is suffering from depression, but I think for the good of your family, you need to put your foot down and assert yourself and explain that if he doesn’t stop paying their bills, seeking further therapy for himself etc then you’ll need to separate.

Thing is, the siblings hoarding is also being maintained by your husband essentially providing for them. If they had no money to heat their home or wash themselves etc, I wonder if they’d be wasting their money so much.

Some tough love needed here I am afraid.

He agrees that he can’t/shouldn’t pay his adult siblings bills but doesn’t want to stop paying either until his money totally runs out. I really don’t understand this behaviour.

Husband says that I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him but on the other hand he doesn’t want to stop paying his siblings bills until the money completely runs out. I don’t know what he is thinking. Talking to him about these things is like talking to a wall. I really don’t know what to do.

The sibling deny that they have a hoarding issue. Husband thinks there’s no solution to their hoarding issues and I guess his depression is caused by this. Things are already falling apart and dragging me down with it. Can things change? Can this marriage be saved?

How much longer can he realistically continue paying the bills? I always think this is an awful time of year to try and make any decisions. Everything always seems better and clearer come March, April when the dark nights and lousy weather have abated a bit.

Maybe give him a 3 month deadline to think about it if there’s enough money there.

He is putting his siblings before you and his child. If he agrees that he shouldn't pay their bills, but is going to do so anyway until his savings completely run out, I would probably end the marriage. All the money that he has spent on paying the bills could have been spent on his child. I don't think that there is any way back from this.

Your DH is enmeshed with his siblings.

Yes he could change. He either stops now or when his money completely runs out the outcome will be the same for the siblings.

Sadly you need to make an ultimatum as living on this limbo is already dragging you way down.

@Sammie2006 you ask "can things be changed ?"

They can, as you have agency here.

"Can the marriage be saved?" Maybe, depending on what happens next. This depends on two different people and on what they want, so both need to want to save it.

Taking no action always IS a choice and usually it's the very worst choice of all. This is the choice your DH has made, don't fall into the same trap yourself.

Save yourself and your DC, then try to save your marriage if you want to, but IN THAT ORDER.

You say, "Husband thinks there’s no solution to their hoarding issues and I guess his depression is caused by this."

The point here is that the siblings hoarding issue is not for your DH to solve, and is not in his gift to solve. It's not his responsibility.