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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell my boyfriend this?

93 replies

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 20:14

Boyfriend of 1 years. He absolutely hates my previous ex boyfriend- partly because he knows he was horrible to me and mostly because my previous ex still has feelings for me.
previous ex knows i have a new boyfriend. I am have no interest in previous ex, he lives near me though and I have bumped into him in the shops. The last time was a few weeks ago where he basically stood in Sainsbury’s asking me for another chance. That’s when I told him I wasn’t interested and was in a relationship. Current boyfriend hates that previous boyfriend talks to me when he sees me and he feels like he’s just waiting for a chance again.
previous boyfriend added me today on instagram. I deleted it straight away. I feel a bit bad keeping it from my boyfriend but I know it’ll out him in a terrible mood and he will go on and on about him and how he won’t let me go.
do I need to tell him about the friend request?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 20:18

Very short answer- no

But be very wary of your current bf as there a few red flags there

Notajogger · 09/12/2024 20:23

No, you don't have to tell him anything.
He sounds like a teenager though, I'd be careful there!

HoppityBun · 09/12/2024 20:24

Why wouldn’t you tell him? It’s not a guilty secret: explain, move on

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2024 20:25

I think your picker is faulty and you should think carefully about the current boyfriend.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/12/2024 20:26

You don’t need to tell him, no. However you should be able to tell your current boyfriend without fear he is going to be a nightmare about it. Either he trust you or he doesn’t, it sounds like he doesn’t.

I’d make current boyfriend a previous boyfriend too and raise the bar on boyfriend behaviour.

Original poster
Beltripped · 09/12/2024 20:53

HoppityBun · 09/12/2024 20:24

Why wouldn’t you tell him? It’s not a guilty secret: explain, move on

It’s not at all but he will go on all night about it saying how my ex just keeps sticking his nose in and when is he gonna take the hint etc

I deleted the friend request, end of. I should be able to tell him but he genuinely hates this guy and when things crop up it really bothers him, which I understand but there’s not much I can do about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:02

fruitbrewhaha · 09/12/2024 20:26

You don’t need to tell him, no. However you should be able to tell your current boyfriend without fear he is going to be a nightmare about it. Either he trust you or he doesn’t, it sounds like he doesn’t.

I’d make current boyfriend a previous boyfriend too and raise the bar on boyfriend behaviour.

I don’t want to annoy him and this ex really does

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 09/12/2024 21:04

Previous boyfriend was horrible to you and this one's going the same way.

Original poster
Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:06

HellonHeels · 09/12/2024 21:04

Previous boyfriend was horrible to you and this one's going the same way.

Ah now I do have to say he’s not being horrible. He just really dislikes him
and the fact that he seems to still have feelings for me. Both knows I’m not interested in him but the ex keeps popping up which does cause issues in our relationship. So it would be easier just not to tell him but I also don’t want to be seen to be hiding anything

OP posts:
TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 21:08

This is not an adult way to behave in a relationship- all 3 of you.

Original poster
Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:11

TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 21:08

This is not an adult way to behave in a relationship- all 3 of you.

What’s not?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 21:13

He’s being moody and agressive about you having contact with your ex - that’s a huge red flag. The fact you don’t know whether to tell him something so minor because he’ll go on and on about it tells its own story. He’d conditioning you to be controlled.

GivingUpFinally · 09/12/2024 21:14

TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 21:08

This is not an adult way to behave in a relationship- all 3 of you.

Very eloquently put.

Your new bf is causing you to have these doubts and conditioning you to behave, do, and say things so it doesn't upset him.

He shouldn't be even annoyed if you were to mention it. You've made it clear you're not interested, and nothing is going to happen unless you allow it. Is he saying he doesn't trust you?

I would be wary of this one too. You've been together a year. He should know where he stands and be able to feel secure in the relationship. As should you. The fact that you're thinking of "hiding" this information says everything. And, that you're worried/fearful of May be being perceived as deliberately hiding something shameful.

This isn't right.

HelenInHeels · 09/12/2024 21:18

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:06

Ah now I do have to say he’s not being horrible. He just really dislikes him
and the fact that he seems to still have feelings for me. Both knows I’m not interested in him but the ex keeps popping up which does cause issues in our relationship. So it would be easier just not to tell him but I also don’t want to be seen to be hiding anything

Show quote history

You say your ex was horrible towards you and then say he still has feelings for you. Those feelings aren't romantic. They're about loss of someone to bully and control.

TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 21:19

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:11

What’s not?

Show quote history

You, stressing about instagram friend adds. Him, 'hating' your ex for existing and your ex trying to win you back in the supermarket. You all need to grow up a bit.

2025willbemytime · 09/12/2024 21:19

My boyfriend hated my ex too. He didn't like that I'd been with him and he still liked me. I should have dumped him when he said he'd punch my ex when he next saw him.

Stop enjoying the drama and ditch both men.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 09/12/2024 21:20

Your current bf should have absolutely zero interest in your ex bf. Hating your ex is a way of controlling you. No, don't tell him, just run for the hills.

LoyalTaupeTiger · 09/12/2024 21:21

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:02

I don’t want to annoy him and this ex really does

Show quote history

When you say you don't want to annoy him. Is it something that happens a lot?

Original poster
Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:22

TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 21:19

You, stressing about instagram friend adds. Him, 'hating' your ex for existing and your ex trying to win you back in the supermarket. You all need to grow up a bit.

Show quote history

Thanks for the advice.
honestly, Mumsnet is a hateful place.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 09/12/2024 21:22

Ah now I do have to say he’s not being horrible. He just really dislikes him and the fact that he seems to still have feelings for me. Both knows I’m not interested in him but the ex keeps popping up which does cause issues in our relationship. So it would be easier just not to tell him but I also don’t want to be seen to be hiding anything

He is being horrible.

He's making you worry about his reaction to the point you feel the need to hide things, and then you're worrying about hiding them.

He is doing that to you and that is a red flag.

Original poster
Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:23

2025willbemytime · 09/12/2024 21:19

My boyfriend hated my ex too. He didn't like that I'd been with him and he still liked me. I should have dumped him when he said he'd punch my ex when he next saw him.

Stop enjoying the drama and ditch both men.

I dont enjoy the drama at all. If I enjoyed the drama I would be telling my boyfriend right away to stir the pot. All I want is an easy life and my ex to leave me alone.

cheers though 👍

OP posts:
SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 21:24

Your new BF sounds like more of a problem than your old one.

LostittoBostik · 09/12/2024 21:25

No.

But also reconsider new relationship. Why does he view you as some passive blob being passed around between men? Who cares if you saw him in a shop; you have a mind of your own and you've told him you're not interested. His views reek of misogyny

2025willbemytime · 09/12/2024 21:27

It's not a hateful place here. We just don't like to see anyone taken for a fool or acting in a way that is damaging to themselves. But you do you.

TheSmallAssassin · 09/12/2024 21:28

Ah now I do have to say he’s not being horrible. He just really dislikes him and the fact that he seems to still have feelings for me. Both knows I’m not interested in him but the ex keeps popping up which does cause issues in our relationship. So it would be easier just not to tell him but I also don’t want to be seen to be hiding anything

It's not your ex popping up that causes issues in your relationship, (because you're not interested and he's not going to get anywhere), it's your boyfriend that causes the issues by not being able to let it go.

If your ex causes you grief, then it's your boyfriend's job to sympathise with you, not make your life difficult himself.