Should I tell my boyfriend this?

[Beltripped]

Boyfriend of 1 years. He absolutely hates my previous ex boyfriend- partly because he knows he was horrible to me and mostly because my previous ex still has feelings for me.
previous ex knows i have a new boyfriend. I am have no interest in previous ex, he lives near me though and I have bumped into him in the shops. The last time was a few weeks ago where he basically stood in Sainsbury’s asking me for another chance. That’s when I told him I wasn’t interested and was in a relationship. Current boyfriend hates that previous boyfriend talks to me when he sees me and he feels like he’s just waiting for a chance again.
previous boyfriend added me today on instagram. I deleted it straight away. I feel a bit bad keeping it from my boyfriend but I know it’ll out him in a terrible mood and he will go on and on about him and how he won’t let me go.
do I need to tell him about the friend request?

Because you're not hearing what you want to hear? Namely, that new bf is ringing alrm bells?

But I suppose that's just everyone being mean!

OP please hear what people are saying. Current bf has serious red flags. You are not a possession to be fought over or owned by men.

It's common once you have been in an abusive relationship to end up in a string of them because you loose sight of what's acceptable in a relationship and the love bombing at the start really draws you in. I recommend doing the freedom program I found it very helpful and helped me break the cycle of abusive men. I think you should dump the current bf but that's up to you

i am listening honest.
i don’t want to upset my new boyfriend but also don’t like his reaction to these things and more so I don’t need or want him to fight my battles for me.

and yes we are 40s

In a relatively new relationship, these rather silly issues with ex etc can be normal. But what you aren't seeing OP is that your bf's issue with your ex is being made into an issue with you. He is punishing you for your existence behaviour.

And the rest of us see this as a red flag because it's a well trodden slippery slope... today kts the "understandable" upset about your ex. Tomorrow it's the upset because men are looking at you or flirting with you in the pub. Perhaps you shouldn't wear those clothes or talk to men or, even, go to the pub......

I agree with you regarding honesty in a relationship.

However I am concerned that your new bf isn't all that great. His actions are making you nervous to tell him the truth. That isn't healthy. You should be able to be absolutely honest with your other half without fear, without worrying they'll shout or go on at you all night.

Your current bf seems to be blaming you for your ex's actions, at least punishing you for them. It isn't up to him to decide to contact your ex. He either trusts you or he doesn't. Fair enough that he's frustrated your ex won't take the hint, but you're a grown woman who can look after herself and fight her own battles.

Please take a little time to think about if your current bf is controlling in any other ways. Do you ever worry about his mood / whether he'll be angry about something / about seeing particular people he doesn't like?

If the answer is no, he's never controlling in any way other than re the ex, and you're happy with him in every other way, then I'd suggest having an honest conversation with him - tell him that his aggressive, angry behaviour is putting you off being honest with him. He either needs to cool it down and respect that you're dealing with the situation, or you'll not be sharing information with him regarding your ex in future.

When you're using phrases such as 'don't want to annoy him', 'don't want to upset him' and 'don't like his reaction' and changing your behaviour to take into account the above, then it's time to consider whether you have a current bf problem.

That makes it worse.
You all sound 15. Tops.

Well said. This is really important for you to think about OP.

100% this.

MN isn’t ‘hateful’ - but it’s bloody obvious to pretty much everyone on this thread that your current partner has a lot of red flags you seem to be ignoring.

This!!

This right here sounds more problematic to me than anything you've written about your ex boyfriend.
The ex is a nuisance. He's obviously wrong for not leaving you alone. But he's an ex, rightfully so.

Your current boyfriend however is a walking red flag and you're not seeing it.
Sure, he can feel annoyed at your ex for not leaving you alone. But why does his bad mood have to be so overwhelming that it's ruining your day?
This is how coercive control begins. He is using his lack of emotional self-regulation to steer your actions.
You are silencing yourself and becoming fearful about sharing things that have happened to you, even when there was no wrong-doing on your end.

Please reconsider this relationship.

MN isn’t ‘hateful’ - but it’s bloody obvious to pretty much everyone on this thread that your current partner has a lot of red flags you seem to be ignoring.

@TwistedWonder is correct. We are lovely squishy bunnies to everyone except arseholes. We are hateful to arseholes. Women who love arseholes don't like it when we point out that their boyfriend is an arsehole. It's easier to blame us and keep shagging him.

It will end in tears.

Tbh the posters saying everyone comes accross as 15 are being harsh. I don't think op sounds immature at all tbh. No more so than anyone else who is out of one abusive relationship and into the fire with another and so, maybe not thinking as clearly as would be ideal.

But I'd second doing the freedom program op and reading up on how to spot abuse and types of abusers and how it can begin. As it can present in various ways. Keep reading up throughout your life.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking 'on but he's not like the last ex' because either the abuse presents differently.

Or sometimes they love bomb us in the beginning and make us feel seen and loved after out past abuse and - we really, really needed that. So when their mask starts to drop, we find it hard to accept that they are more of the same kind of jerk our ex was. Because it also feels like admitting that all those nice things they said and did that made us feel worthwhile and lovable again, were a lie.

And that's what they rely on to keep you trapped, constantly chasing their 'nice' behaviour and trying to avoid this...dark cloud that seems to come over them at certain time or regarding certain things. As pp said, now it's about your ex, but in time there will be more and more things like how men look at you or how you dress or your friends not liking him or whatever...and you'll find yourself in this continual cycle of tip toeing around him out of fear thar you will make him mad/throw strops/guilt trip you etc...

The red flags are already showing. Not even a yellow flag. A big red neon flashing one. So, beware.

DPs ex fiance spent a couple of years sniffing around after we got together. Would turn up at her parents house, turn up at the pub shortly after DP was tagged in a photo there, that sort of thing.

Was I particularly happy about it? No. Did I make that DPs problem? Hell no. She was the the one ex was harassing, not me. Me getting in a huff about it would only make DP feel worse.

OPs boyfriends annoyance at the situation isn't a red flag. The way he's expressing that annoyance is.

Yeah a decent partner listens to you and asks if theres any way they can help. Tries to let you know you are secure with them and can talk to them about things, free from judgement and without worrying they'll do anything stupid.
They feel like safe spaces.

They don't act like a moody child and make your distress their distress so that you end up being the one comforting them.

It's OK for him to be concerned for you and, annoyed about the man's behaviour. It's not ok for him to make things into a game of 'manage my moods or I'll throw a tantrum'.

If you don't want to tell the new man anything because you don't like his reaction, you are changing how you behave to keep him sweet, quiet, on board..

There are two issues here, your ex harassing you and your new bf being territorial. Ex’s harassment is a police matter and your new bf needs to be told that you don’t like being on the receiving end of his mood’s about your Ex harassing you. I echo other posters saying your bf’s behaviour is unacceptable.

Your instinct to be open and honest is commendable and I urge you not to change but you need to be aware that the jealous territorial bs from your new bf is unacceptable. You are the victim here not your bf and him acting like he is the victim demonstrates at best, immaturity and at worst selfishness. Your job is not to manage your new bf’s emotions, he’s supposedly an adult, which means he should act like one.

To those posters calling you a drama loving teen, WTAF! Accusing a harassed woman of being a lover of drama is the kind of bs that you’d expect from dickheads.