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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell my boyfriend this?

93 replies

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 20:14

Boyfriend of 1 years. He absolutely hates my previous ex boyfriend- partly because he knows he was horrible to me and mostly because my previous ex still has feelings for me.
previous ex knows i have a new boyfriend. I am have no interest in previous ex, he lives near me though and I have bumped into him in the shops. The last time was a few weeks ago where he basically stood in Sainsbury’s asking me for another chance. That’s when I told him I wasn’t interested and was in a relationship. Current boyfriend hates that previous boyfriend talks to me when he sees me and he feels like he’s just waiting for a chance again.
previous boyfriend added me today on instagram. I deleted it straight away. I feel a bit bad keeping it from my boyfriend but I know it’ll out him in a terrible mood and he will go on and on about him and how he won’t let me go.
do I need to tell him about the friend request?

OP posts:
MarmaladeSideDown · 09/12/2024 22:40

"Current boyfriend hates that previous boyfriend talks to me when he sees me and he feels like he's just waiting for a chance again"

'He feels like he's just waiting for a chance again'.

In other words, your current boyfriend doesn't entirely trust you, and thinks you might go off with your ex again.

NotaCoolMum · 09/12/2024 22:40

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:29

We’re all only between 14-17

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Ah! Ok this makes sense now!! Your current boyfriend is being OTT getting wound up about your ex. As long as your ex isn’t showing up at yours everyday proclaiming his eternal devotion then it really is nothing to get worked up over. No need to tell your current boyfriend as you know it’ll cause issues. Which leads me to the main issue here…. Your current boyfriend is giving off major red flags- please pay attention to them!

ChewieChewieChewie · 09/12/2024 22:41

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:37

Previous poster asked me why I bothered telling my boyfriend in the first place. Because I try to be as open and honest as I can in relationships and I have nothing to hide

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So maybe a partner who makes this difficult for you is not a good one for you? You're changing the way you want to be in a relationship because he gets moody

Endofyear · 09/12/2024 22:42

You don't have to tell your boyfriend anything about the ex. Block the ex on all social media and don't speak to him if you see him when you're out. Getting with your life as though the ex doesn't exist.

Original poster
Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:43

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:29

We’re all only between 14-17

Show quote history

That’s sarcasm. We’re in our 40s

OP posts:
Original poster
Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:49

ChewieChewieChewie · 09/12/2024 22:41

So maybe a partner who makes this difficult for you is not a good one for you? You're changing the way you want to be in a relationship because he gets moody

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That’s true. Ordinarily and ideally I would share most things with my boyfriend (although previous poster thinks that’s strange) so this feels a bit deceitful to keep to myself yes

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 09/12/2024 22:51

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:43

That’s sarcasm. We’re in our 40s

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I hope this is also sarcasm.

2025willbemytime · 09/12/2024 22:56

In your 40's. Bloody hell.

Teaandtoast12 · 09/12/2024 23:05

Hope you’re okay, I think with a new relationship when you’ve been in an unhealthy relationship (in any shape/form) it is about learning how to be in a healthy one. I know for me healthy means trust and not sharing everything, I think just give it time learn what works for you

livingafulllife · 09/12/2024 23:10

Sorry op but you sound like your 16.
What a load of crap how many times do you need to type the word previous boyfriend.

livingafulllife · 09/12/2024 23:12

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:43

That’s sarcasm. We’re in our 40s

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Really cause it comes across you lot have just left school.

Bibi12 · 09/12/2024 23:13

Reading about your current boyfriend and how you're thinking about telling him and worry about his reaction made me literally feel anxious.
You did nothing wrong. You're not keeping a "secret". Nothing happened. Yes your ex contacting you is annoying but unless you did something to encourage it or continue it then your boyfriend should be supportive and you absolutely should not dread him ranting about it for a whole night.

This whole situation sounds really unhealthy and maybe that's why you're getting tough responses.

Lighteningstrikes · 10/12/2024 00:29

They both sound emotionally inept.

Mmhmmn · 10/12/2024 00:35

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 21:13

He’s being moody and agressive about you having contact with your ex - that’s a huge red flag. The fact you don’t know whether to tell him something so minor because he’ll go on and on about it tells its own story. He’d conditioning you to be controlled.

Edited

This. Relationships in which you doubt yourself like this are bad news. Jealous men are bad news.

NotaCoolMum · 10/12/2024 01:29

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:43

That’s sarcasm. We’re in our 40s

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shit. It explained a lot when I thought you were teenagers.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/12/2024 02:55

CheekyHobson · 09/12/2024 22:17

And new boyfriend said next time he contacts/speaks to me then he will message him himself. I don’t want him to do that nor do I need someone to do that for me.

@Beltripped Can you see that your current boyfriend is being quite controlling here? It’s not his business to get in touch with your ex, telling him to back off as though he owns you or something. Do you not find this quite concerning behaviour?

This. As far as they are both concerned you are a possession. I wouldn't be with either of them.

Harshtruth1111 · 10/12/2024 03:02

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:22

Thanks for the advice.
honestly, Mumsnet is a hateful place.

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Everyone is giving you wonderful advice about your currents bf reaction.
Your current bf is a red flag.
You fail to realise that.
You fail to realise that and do something about it.
Your partner is supposed to make you feel secure. You are supposed to trust him. You should not be walking on egg shells around him.

Please, please, please, reassess current relationship.

RogueFemale · 10/12/2024 03:06

Please tell us the truth about your age. It's wearisome to have to guess whether you're 14 or 40.

DreamTheMoors · 10/12/2024 03:16

You should be able to say stop it!! to both your former and current boyfriends and they should be mature enough to stop.
End of, as far as I can see.
If one or the other persists, speak more sharply.
If they still persist, scream — even if you’re out in public — bringing attention to their behaviour might get them to stop.

Edingril · 10/12/2024 03:18

RogueFemale · 10/12/2024 03:06

Please tell us the truth about your age. It's wearisome to have to guess whether you're 14 or 40.

Is this birth age or mental age?

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2024 04:14

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:06

Ah now I do have to say he’s not being horrible. He just really dislikes him
and the fact that he seems to still have feelings for me. Both knows I’m not interested in him but the ex keeps popping up which does cause issues in our relationship. So it would be easier just not to tell him but I also don’t want to be seen to be hiding anything

Show quote history

It is him being horrible. This guy is your ex and he's making you feel uncomfortable about that.

It's OK for him to dislike your ex. Its not ok for him to bang on about it (let alone 'all night'). Making you feel in edge and like you're somehow ....responsible, in a way, for the ex.

Listen to the posters op. They have their intuition tuned in. Your ex was a wrong'un but your new one - is controlling. In a round about way that makes you have to hide things in order to pacify him.

Hes turned YOUR ex and YOUR heartache into a HIM issue. Meaning you have to baby him about something that hurt YOU not him. It's so narcissistic of him.

It's weird!
But it's not weird of a controller who wants you to tiptoe around him. You're being played babe.

A supportive partner listens to you and says 'I'm sorry you were treated that way. I'm here if you ever need to talk'. This guy instead is mire like: 'how dare he treat MY (property) that way and why is he able to (PROVE you aren't encouraging it)'.

JingleB · 10/12/2024 04:30

You can’t see the red flags so clear to everyone else, and you think women trying to warn you is “hateful.”

Sometimes there’s no helping someone.

This is a very unhealthy dynamic, and until you change it, OP, you’re going to be treated badly by boyfriends who see you as their possession to bicker over

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/12/2024 07:25

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:06

Ah now I do have to say he’s not being horrible. He just really dislikes him
and the fact that he seems to still have feelings for me. Both knows I’m not interested in him but the ex keeps popping up which does cause issues in our relationship. So it would be easier just not to tell him but I also don’t want to be seen to be hiding anything

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It shouldn't cause issues, the fact it does is a problem. It's one thing caring how it effects you, its a different matter him making an issue of someone elses behaviour. You're not to blame your ex keeps trying, you're not to blame your current BF has an issue with it. In both cases its the men who are at fault.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/12/2024 07:31

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 22:49

That’s true. Ordinarily and ideally I would share most things with my boyfriend (although previous poster thinks that’s strange) so this feels a bit deceitful to keep to myself yes

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But the problem isn't you not telling him things the problem is his behaviour when you do. You shouldn't have to change who you are like this.

Snugglemonkey · 10/12/2024 07:41

Beltripped · 09/12/2024 21:06

Ah now I do have to say he’s not being horrible. He just really dislikes him
and the fact that he seems to still have feelings for me. Both knows I’m not interested in him but the ex keeps popping up which does cause issues in our relationship. So it would be easier just not to tell him but I also don’t want to be seen to be hiding anything

Show quote history

He is being horrible. You are afraid of telling him. That wouldn't be happening if he were behaving like an adult.

You are also not relating to him as am equal adult in a relationship. Noone in this scenario is acting from a position of emotional maturity.