Upsetting encounter with friends husband

[UmbrellaEllaEllaElla]

Went out on the weekend with a big group of friends to celebrate a birthday.

Friend was there with her husband, they've been together 10 years plus and have kids.

Her husband touched my bum, hand around my waist, curled his finger through my hair. Then he leaned in and said 'you're so cute, so gorgeous.'

I've found myself so upset by this. Only earlier in the night she was talking about how happy they were and how wonderful he is.

I dont know whether to say anything. He only did this when she wasn't around. I've been invited to see them before Christmas and not sure it's a good idea.

Should I say something or leave well alone?

I have experience of this but a worse situation in which I was staying over at my friends house in her spare room and in the night her boyfriend came in and raped me. I woke up and he was on top of me. Bit of context we had had a very boozy night the night before so I was sleeping very deeply. I was so shocked that I didn't shout or scream out (which I obviously massively regret) but I just froze as was the OPs reaction. It is very common.

I left their house in the morning without saying a word to her or him. Tried to deny it to myself for 2 weeks then eventually confided in my sister. After that I told my friend, then filed a police report.

My friend decided that I made it up and stood by this guy. It was horrific. He was charged and it went to court but he was acquitted which was devastating. To this day I think that this ex friend of mine is still with that guy.

My point is, that is my friend didn't believe me after the guy was charged etc it is unlikely that your friend would believe you with this assault. It will just be tough for you. I think the way you have handled it so far is the right way and I hope you are able to recover and move on

Sorry that happened to you @dyzzie you obviously did the right thing by reporting it and it’s sad your friend didn’t believe you. Her friendship clearly wasn’t worth having though.
Given what you’ve experienced don’t you think this man sounds quite predatory and it would be good for OPs friend to know in advance?

In the example I gave upthread my mate was in bed sleeping and felt her friends now ex unbuttoning her jeans and telling her to ssssh. He somehow thought she would be up for it but she screamed the house down and told him to get to f and thankfully he backed off. It also later came out he’d assaulted a young woman at a party in a separate incident , and he went to court although I can’t remember the verdict.

The point I’m making is a man that could do that to his partners friend has high potential to escalate into a full blown sexual offender. What good does it do for Op to keep it to herself?

Sounds a bit selfish to remain silent just so she can enjoy the friendship. If my friend did that I’d be really annoyed. You can’t force people to believe you but you can provide them with the information and leave it up to them. Who knows she might end up being like my friends friend and actually believe her mate and kick him out, it happens.

@Tristanthebrave Yes you are right that the wife of this guy should know.. I agree. Sorry I think my message was not clear. I was just meaning that the OP should be prepared for the wife to not believe as is unfortunately very common. Absolutely she SHOULD speak up despite the risk to her relationship with passing on the information 😉

Ah sorry I misunderstood! yes, sadly it’s very common for women to side with their partner and turn on their friend.

Absolutely she SHOULD speak up despite the risk to her relationship with passing on the information 😉

Completely agree!

Not that this should matter but are you single, OP, or had you a DP with you? Did anyone else notice? I’m asking to understand if you would be isolated without an ally, or if you’ve support within the group.

I lost my best friend of twenty odd years because I was truthful about her partner. Still miss her now and I wouldn't do it again even though she really needed to know.

I would only see her on her own and quickly shut down any conversations about him being so wonderful. She's not ready to hear the truth about him.

She may need you in the future. I would fully support and encourage her to leave if and when she gets to that stage.

I can relate to this . I was part of a work friendship group , we socialised a lot , one person started to bring her husband along who seemed ok . It wasn't lots of drinking , mainly everyone bring a dish type thing at everyone's houses .
At the time I was dealing with ex behaviour after 9 year relationship ended . This man put himself in as my saviour , I really didn't saving just needed my friends . He started by saying he would sort my ex out , that wasn't necessary, then to giving me a lot of attention , then hands on me , another friend noticed so I confided in her . I asked her to not leave me alone with him . One occasion he arranged to give me a lift instead of a friend doing it . It was all about power and control . I was mean to him , told him I didn't fancy him , called him disgusting but never told his wife , why ? She was pregnant and they were moving out of the area in a few months so i thought the problem would end there .
They moved away and i was sad I wouldn't see my friend again , i refused all invites to go and stay .
A few months later his wife wrote a letter to me saying her husband had told her that I had come onto him and she'd asked around before writing to me . Everyone she'd asked stuck up for me , expect the friend who knew , she basically called my apparently intense eye contact / flirting . So I lost two friends , his wife and the woman who knew . It was horrible because I kept it quiet to save his wife heartache and because they were moving away .
He became a vicar ( despite being a violent football hooligan and a sleaze ) 20 years later he was in court for sexual activity with a teenage girl at church youth club .

One last comment I’ll make on this is if I didn’t feel I could tell my friend and was afraid of an angry or hateful backlash (it does happen) I would at the very least back off from the friendship and let it fade out. And then I’d at least have some of my integrity intact.

I just don’t think it’s fair to put my own desire to enjoy the perks of friendship, above my friends right to know. And it would also feel deceptive having brunches and going round her house and calling her etc while staying silent. Especially when it almost inevitably comes out he is a cheat from someone else and I have to then pretend as if I’m surprised. I would feel incredibly betrayed and let down if a friend did that to me. I’d feel both her and my partner removed my opportunity to make an informed decision in who I engaged with and that both my relationship and friendship had been built on lies.

If you are in a friendship group where they would all turn against you, this would be a rotten set of friends anyway and you’re best rid of them.I had to clear out my social circle in my 20s when some of my long time friends played down how bad my abusive ex was.

People like that never make good friends anyway - same with women who go straight to blaming and disbelieving their friend. You may miss the laughs and giggles you have with her but deep down the friendship was obviously lacking if they do turn on you.

Sorry to everyone who lost friends by doing the right thing (I’ve been there!) but the way I see it you won’t lose a true friend by speaking the truth. Emphasis on true!

Very selfish of you not telling your poor mate op

I’m in sympathy for all the women here who are victims of predatory men.

What I realised myself (because this happened to me and it’s very common), is that most often the friend will say it’s your fault. Women can be very misogynistic and territorial about their husbands, even if they know he is like this. They often know and effectively blame you for not knowing.

The same dynamic is true for child abusing husbands. Most often, it’s the victim who gets the blame or is mentality ill. Despite all the public narrative, it’s more usual for this to brushed away by someone who has no motivation to deal with the truth.

What a horrible experience.

Yeah I had a mate's fella come on to me once, told her, and surprise (not) she stayed with him but didn't speak to me for years - until after they split.

As selfish as this sounds, I don't think I'd tell someone again. I'd just distance myself. It's the messenger that gets shot

What an empathetic and helpful contribution to this thread.

Where is your sympathy for the OP who is a victim of sexual assault?

She needs to be a good mate and so wife will be aware if he does it again. You have to take yourself out of the situation and think of the bigger picture.

@H112 You clearly have no understanding of sexual assault/trauma. The only responsibility the OP has here is to herself, and looking after herself in the aftermath. You do not know how the wife will react - if you’ve read the thread you will see that often people are not believed and this will serve to make things worse for the OP, and presumably her friend too. It is not a black and white situation and some empathy for the OP wouldn’t go amiss!

I'd have to say something.

Elspeth, Brian groped me and made inappropriate comments at Susan's party.

I have dithered as to whether I should tell you as I know you will be upset but that's what Brian is counting on, that I will keep shtum.

I really can't let this pass as you will want to know why I don't want to meet up with you with him there.

I hope you don't shoot the messenger and our friendship will survive this.

@Jostuki
In an ideal world the wife will say , oh really that's disgusting of course our friendship is more important than my marriage to a sleaze ball .

In reality she will probably say nothing but go back and ask the husband who will give his account , these being
" no I didn't your friend is crazy "
" she came onto me , I had to fight her off "
" I was really drunk and didn't know what I was doing , I doubt that happened "