Upsetting encounter with friends husband

[UmbrellaEllaEllaElla]

Went out on the weekend with a big group of friends to celebrate a birthday.

Friend was there with her husband, they've been together 10 years plus and have kids.

Her husband touched my bum, hand around my waist, curled his finger through my hair. Then he leaned in and said 'you're so cute, so gorgeous.'

I've found myself so upset by this. Only earlier in the night she was talking about how happy they were and how wonderful he is.

I dont know whether to say anything. He only did this when she wasn't around. I've been invited to see them before Christmas and not sure it's a good idea.

Should I say something or leave well alone?

I think you meant well with this, but it can make the victim of the sexual assault feel awful and like they have done something wrong by not speaking out at the time.

Being sexually assaulted, especially by someone you thought you could trust, is really shocking and it's completely normal to not say anything and just try to get out of the situation.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. It's horrible and it makes you feel so uncomfortable.

I would avoid the Xmas party but really not sure about after that. I think most of us would want to know in theory, but in practice this is likely to be a shoot the messenger situation.

I think the point people are making is that if something needs saying, it needs to be said to the perpetrator, not to his wife, who is blameless. I don’t blame anyone for freezing in the moment (we’ve all done it), but I don’t see what is to be gained by telling someone who didn’t commit the assault.

The purpose of telling his wife would be that she knows what he has done, and can make a decision of whether she wants to stay with him or not. I certainly would want to know if my DH assaulted someone. He could have done this before and this could be the final straw for his wife - we just don’t know.

I don’t understand what you think would be gained from telling the perpetrator? Telling him what? He won’t care. And why should the OP be put in an unsafe situation again by being in his presence?

When I was younger I wouldn't have said anything, or done a knee-jerk thing, but now I'm older (I mean 40s) I think I'd wait till they were together and address it family-meeting style. 'Guys, I need to talk to you. The other night Terry touched my body and made lewd remarks and it has really upset me. I felt assaulted. I don't know how you are living your lives and its none of my business, but I need you to know that I am not up for such things, that I'd like an apology, and that any more of it will permanently ruin our friendship.'

I think I really would do that. It feels grown up to me, and sets out your problem/position and what's at stake, without judging them or telling them what to do.

She didn’t give any information in the OP about whether or not she said anything at all to him at the time. The obvious question was what, if anything, had been said already.

She has since clarified that she said nothing, so the starting point for any further conversation is that nobody, so far, has communicated to this man that his behaviour was unwelcome and unpleasant. That is relevant to the advice given.

Do you think this man is unaware that his unsolicited behaviour towards his wife’s friend was unwelcome and unpleasant?

Why would the starting point for any further communication be educating this man about the sexual assault he had committed?

I would have to tell her. If that means her believing him and cutting the friendship off, so be it. I couldn't live with myself not telling her. She deserves to know!

Why is it on here incidences as this one are touted as though they are somehow unusual or shocking, when they are not at all, familiarity breeds contempt, blurred lines for the groper, trying it on with wife’s best friend, sister, bridesmaid, mum! is such a worn cliche??

OP men are by nature predators - this one is banking on your silence which you should keep as a friend, avoid husband in future and do not stand close enough
to enable liberties with your person.

Many newly separated ladies living alone with or without children ladies can attest
to the friend’s husband ‘just passing by to check if you are ok’ at 7pm on a Friday,
or indeed sent around by friend when brute strength help is required, who actually hear a siren song, entering your home with hope and expectations.
I can offer you instances which would make your hair curl and show you were let
off lightly.

‘Be aware of your surroundings at all times’

This husband disrespected his wife and you, from now on, avoid avoid avoid

You are misunderstanding. I did not say that the starting point was to tell the man. I said that it is a relevant fact that he was not told in the moment that his behaviour was unacceptable.

So, eg, if OP were to tell his wife and she were to confront him about it, he might say “oh well OP seemed to like it at the time”.

If, on the other hand, we knew that OP had made her disgust clear, the wife could be pre-prepared to rebut any claim by her husband that OP invited/consented.

To be CRYSTAL CLEAR I am not saying that OP SHOULD have said anything. I am saying that the information about whether she did say anything is relevant to understanding how this will play out.

Oh trust me, I know men are predators. I've had my share of terrible experiences. It's just never not disappointing.

It’s really not. Whether the wife believes the OP depends on so many factors, and none will be about the OP’s reaction at the time - he could just deny any reaction, had there been one. The freeze response is very common and it doesn’t matter what she did or didn’t do, the fact is his behaviour was wrong and inappropriate. I don’t understand your point that he fact he wasn’t told he sexually assaulted the OP at the time is a ‘relevant fact’. The only relevant fact is what he did, end of. Anything else is victim-blaming as you are implying there was a ‘right’ way for her to respond to him.

Thanks for everyone's replies.

I've decided I really don't need the headache of this. There's enough going in my life and I am not going to risk not being believed or blamed. I do not need that.

Thanks for the kind and helpful replies.

Take care of yourself OP. You are not responsible for this and have to do what’s best for you first and foremost.

Thank you. I really appreciate that x

No I’m not but you’re stuck in your accusations of victim blaming so nothing will convince you to see otherwise. Clear facts are always vital to any form of advice.

All the best OP.

@UmbrellaEllaEllaElla your heading encapsulates the feeling we have when stuff like this happens, upsetting - which reduces our trust in not only familiar males but our own spacial awareness instincts when this is someone we know (and presumably feel comfortable with)
disappointing, absolutely

this man has now queered his own pitch, more fool him

God it’s so depressing that people still respond with “so what did you say to him”, or “threaten to break his fingers”, or “I’d have slapped him”. Oh of course! So few people do any of these things. In that moment many women are just trying to protect themselves, and their friend and FUCK even the person doing the abuse. I don’t want to cause a scene, I don’t want anyone to find out, what if I’m overreacting and he’s just being friendly? The woman in this situation is so often not believed or even blamed. There is such limited scope for standing up for yourself and fighting back. The wife usually has to double down in these situations because - what else? Many people will think you led him on. Tired tired bollocks cliches that are wheeled out everyday. I’m not proud of myself (but why should I be ashamed?) but I wouldn’t say anything to anyone, as I haven’t ever before.

I would want to know if I'm spouse. I'd sit them both down and confront it the first time to the two of them so there's no 'she said', 'he said'.

What a disgusting man he is. He's put you in a terrible position. If you say nothing you are being complicit. If you tell your friend then you are going to upset her.

None of this is your doing. What a twat!

Tell him that if he touches you again, you will tell his wife.

OP, in my experience wives tend to know that their husbands are like this.

Guys like this are always looking around.

Personally I wouldn't say a word, just be unavailable to go near her home again.
Just be busy.
I was asked years ago about a similar situation by a mutal friend and I simply said X is a sleaze and I won't be around it.
I didn't go into specifics but the distaste on my face said enough.
I was very fond of his wife but I knew I wasn't the first nor the last.
I was not getting into someone's marriage when it would be played off as drink, a joke, a misunderstanding.
We simply never socialised with them alone again.

You are very much in the wrong here in your way of thinking, but sure continue to project.

Excellent point @Plastictrees, the OP has been sexually assaulted by her friends husband.

Well done for calling it exactly what it is.

She owes nothing at all to her friend.
Her priority is to look after herself.
But I certainly wouldn't be slow at telling a few close friends asap so you have a record of that.

My ex husband assaulted one of my friends when they were in bed with their husband staying at our house. She avoided me for a good while after but I just thought they were busy when I couldn't nail down another get together. She told me after ex had run off with OW. I get why, I had a young baby at the time and it was a horrific situation she found herself in. Thankfully it hasn't in any way spoiled our friendship.

If you don't feel able to tell her at this stage, I think I'd be inclined to say to him that if he lays his hands on you again, you will be telling everybody. Revolting little man.