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Original poster

Upsetting encounter with friends husband

117 replies

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 09/12/2024 10:02

Went out on the weekend with a big group of friends to celebrate a birthday.

Friend was there with her husband, they've been together 10 years plus and have kids.

Her husband touched my bum, hand around my waist, curled his finger through my hair. Then he leaned in and said 'you're so cute, so gorgeous.'

I've found myself so upset by this. Only earlier in the night she was talking about how happy they were and how wonderful he is.

I dont know whether to say anything. He only did this when she wasn't around. I've been invited to see them before Christmas and not sure it's a good idea.

Should I say something or leave well alone?

OP posts:
ISpyNoPlumPie · 09/12/2024 15:56

whatnow5 · 09/12/2024 15:43

Sadly, the reason male ally ship is so important is because a lot of the perpetrators have zero respect for women, and will therefore only listen to men.

It’s actually scary the blatant hatred some men have for women, and the lack of regard for us (or the recognition that we are people and they aren’t entitled to our bodies etc).

Show quote history

Yes. And this comes down to lack of power. Men know this power imbalance and use it whilst denying it exists. And most men are totally unprepared to accept their role in maintaining the status quo.

This is partly why I like to see women standing up from women (and I really struggle with the women judging women thing, but then it all gets a bit meta when I realise I’m judging women for judging women 😆).

whatnow5 · 09/12/2024 15:59

ISpyNoPlumPie · 09/12/2024 15:56

Yes. And this comes down to lack of power. Men know this power imbalance and use it whilst denying it exists. And most men are totally unprepared to accept their role in maintaining the status quo.

This is partly why I like to see women standing up from women (and I really struggle with the women judging women thing, but then it all gets a bit meta when I realise I’m judging women for judging women 😆).

Show quote history

The last bit made me laugh. I don’t judge women who judge women (stay with me lol) because of the place it comes from. It’s generally women with lives you would pity that have the harshest view of others.

It’s all very depressing though!

ChicBee · 09/12/2024 16:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 09/12/2024 16:21

If you do decide to confront him and tell him how gross and inappropriate his behaviour was, quietly have your phone recording the interaction, at least the sound element. In case it blows up.

Heatherland77 · 09/12/2024 16:57

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 09/12/2024 16:21

If you do decide to confront him and tell him how gross and inappropriate his behaviour was, quietly have your phone recording the interaction, at least the sound element. In case it blows up.

This is very good advice; to record any conversation/confrontation.

Evidence is your friend.

Please also remember the fallout isn't your responsibility. That is for them to deal with. Don't be trapped into not saying anything because of 'upsetting the apple cart'.

MorrisZapp · 09/12/2024 17:34

Number of women in real life who would chuck their otherwise wonderful husband out for touching their friends bum and calling her gorgeous: nil. Unless anyone knows otherwise.

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 17:37

If your husband did this would you want to know?
there’s your answer.
Tell your friend.

ReginaVanilla · 09/12/2024 20:04

freckledlegs · 09/12/2024 11:02

When I was younger I wouldn't have said anything, or done a knee-jerk thing, but now I'm older (I mean 40s) I think I'd wait till they were together and address it family-meeting style. 'Guys, I need to talk to you. The other night Terry touched my body and made lewd remarks and it has really upset me. I felt assaulted. I don't know how you are living your lives and its none of my business, but I need you to know that I am not up for such things, that I'd like an apology, and that any more of it will permanently ruin our friendship.'

I think I really would do that. It feels grown up to me, and sets out your problem/position and what's at stake, without judging them or telling them what to do.

Edited

This is great advice. I particularly like this

I don't know how you are living your lives and its none of my business, but I need you to know that I am not up for such things

ReginaVanilla · 09/12/2024 20:08

I don't know how you are living your lives and its none of my business, but I need you to know that I am not up for such things

It's good because it somewhat holds her accountable as well, which is fair since they’re a couple, and she likely knows about or suspects his disgusting behaviour. Also, she’ll get mad at him if you imply that she’s involved in some way (the comment suggests that either the tolerate his sleazy ways, they’re into swinging or have an open marriage).

Arran2024 · 09/12/2024 20:12

A friend's partner did something similar to me once, before they had kids. I avoid him as much as possible. I never said anything at the time- I was so shocked, we were at a dinner party. I assume he does it to other women too. She has invited us to parties but luckily I have always had an excuse. I see her separately. I do wonder how much she knows about his behaviour.

Didimum · 09/12/2024 20:16

I would absolutely tell my friend. No question.

Itiswhysofew · 09/12/2024 20:40

I'm not sure that you can't not tell her. Not an easy one, OP, and would definitely be devasting for your friend.

The creep of a husband has changed everything. He thinks he can do that to you and get away with it. Unbloodybelievable.

ReginaVanilla · 09/12/2024 21:15

Itiswhysofew · 09/12/2024 20:40

I'm not sure that you can't not tell her. Not an easy one, OP, and would definitely be devasting for your friend.

The creep of a husband has changed everything. He thinks he can do that to you and get away with it. Unbloodybelievable.

He's an abuser and has created a perpetrator-victim dynamic bound in secrets and silence with you.

That's why I like @freckledlegs way of dealing with this. It cuts through the secrets and silence and also has a surprise factors so he can't act as if you had pursued him.

SunflowerTed · 10/12/2024 03:59

Yes I’d keep it to myself, he’ll get found out eventually and it won’t be you that implodes her marriage. Sorry this happened to you

MeMeMeMeOw · 10/12/2024 10:52

SunflowerTed · 10/12/2024 03:59

Yes I’d keep it to myself, he’ll get found out eventually and it won’t be you that implodes her marriage. Sorry this happened to you

And this is why these horrible men get away with being pervy nuisances and then lots of women come out of the woodwork and say MeToo and the wife thinks WTF did you not tell me before?

It's enabling them to be pervy weirdos. Giving them permission. They are laughing up their sleeves at us women and especially their wives.

Seeing all this stuff in the news. Gregg Wallace, Gino Dacampo, and whoever the next flavour of the month (or week, or day, it seems) will be.

Hugga · 10/12/2024 14:55

I saw my friend's husband doing similar to another woman after my friend went home early on a night out. I confronted him at the time, he denied he was doing anything wrong then my friend dropped me...

MeMeMeMeOw · 10/12/2024 15:54

Hugga · 10/12/2024 14:55

I saw my friend's husband doing similar to another woman after my friend went home early on a night out. I confronted him at the time, he denied he was doing anything wrong then my friend dropped me...

I feel sorry for women like your ex-friend. No self-respect.

Naunet · 10/12/2024 19:30

My ex tried to kiss my sister once and she didn't tell me until well after I had ended the relationship. That hurt a lot, it felt like she didn't have my back. She said she was worried I wouldn't believe her, (God knows why, she knew that even then I thought he was a twat) which also felt pretty insulting, but I know she hates confrontation so I decided to let it go and not tell her how hurtful it was, it did change my view of her a bit though.

I would always tell, if someone wants to cut me out for it, that's on them, at least I know I've done the right thing.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 10/12/2024 21:29

But if it happens again, step back and loudly say "stop that!"

bombastix · 10/12/2024 21:40

Tbh I would write off the friendship. If you tell, she has so much more of her life invested her husband than you. She won’t kick him out over it the chances are.

You can tell her. But accept you won’t be friends any longer.

HardlyLikely · 10/12/2024 21:45

bombastix · 10/12/2024 21:40

Tbh I would write off the friendship. If you tell, she has so much more of her life invested her husband than you. She won’t kick him out over it the chances are.

You can tell her. But accept you won’t be friends any longer.

So now we’re punishing the OP’s blameless friend for her husband’s sexual assault?

bombastix · 10/12/2024 21:52

No. But when was the last time you saw a woman tell her friend something like this and the friend did anything other than cut her out? The man is a shit. OP isn’t going to report him to the police is she? She’s going to lose a friendship if she tells.

Tristanthebrave · 10/12/2024 22:07

Toenailz · 09/12/2024 14:12

If I found out my husband did this to my friend, and the friend didn't tell me, it'd firstly be the end of my relationship, and secondly, the end of my friendship.

I can't understand anyone calling themselves a friend, and keeping something like this to themselves. I'd want to know if my partner was both trying it on with other women, and more so, I'd want to know if they were touching people without consent, like this.

Unfortunately friendship does come with some responsibility - the responsibility to inform friends of inappropriate behaviour by their other half, when your friend is unaware, would absolutely be one of those.

We don't even need to go onto the partner, because we all know he's a loser creep who touches people without consent, which is fucking terrible, and needs to be kicked to the curb - bit hard for her to do that though if everyone has the same mindset as you and keeps schum. Awful.

I've had a family members other half to do this me, it's an awful position to be in, and it made me so angry to have to deal with this and I didn't choose to be put in that position, didn't want the drama or falling out, but the right thing was to tell them. I mean, its going to be a load of drama if she finds out another way, and you didn't tell her.

I don't really understand friendships between women these days, clearly. Probably why my circle is small.

Same! I understand the whole don’t shoot the messenger fear, but I feel it’s worth the risk. If my friend chose to believe I’m lying or blamed me I’d say so be it and leave them both to it. The friendship wouldn’t be what I thought it was then.

What if next year it comes out he’s been cheating on her., and Op has to sit and look surprised while her friend cries her eyes out saying she never saw the signs. It feels deceptive somehow.

If it was a stranger or loose acquaintance that I knew was married yeah I’d keep it to myself to avoid the drama but not where a friend is concerned.

Tristanthebrave · 10/12/2024 22:16

Naunet · 10/12/2024 19:30

My ex tried to kiss my sister once and she didn't tell me until well after I had ended the relationship. That hurt a lot, it felt like she didn't have my back. She said she was worried I wouldn't believe her, (God knows why, she knew that even then I thought he was a twat) which also felt pretty insulting, but I know she hates confrontation so I decided to let it go and not tell her how hurtful it was, it did change my view of her a bit though.

I would always tell, if someone wants to cut me out for it, that's on them, at least I know I've done the right thing.

Edited

Absolutely this. I’d be so hurt too. A friend did that to me when we were younger - withheld info about a guy I was seeing who had a full blown committed girlfriend! Like your sister she didn’t like confrontation or “drama”. I didn’t make a big deal out of it but the friendship was never the same again.

My friend was nearly sexually assaulted by her friends partner/father of child when she slept over. She told her friend who immediately ended things.

15 years later they’re still best friends and she was a bridesmaid in her friends wedding (married a different guy of course). My friend always said if her friend had chosen not to believe her, that would have been on her but she was confident of their friendship anyway and it was important to speak out .

It’s more a reflection on them and the quality of our friendship if they jump to think I’m the jealous friend /relative making things up. IMO it’s not a friendship worth holding onto if they turn on you anyway.

Thingymajigi · 10/12/2024 22:18

If you tell her, she will fall out with you and not her husband. He is a total wanker, clearly. He'll say that you cracked on to him and you're covering your tracks or something similar. This is not a decent human that you're dealing with. Do not say anything but avoid being left alone with him.