Break down this date with me.

[CakestAnd5]

Hi everyone. So over a year now me 35 and 31 year old male have had a thing for eachother. We both have become single in the last few months and he reached out to me a few weeks back. As I say we know eachother anyway in a similar circle. For the last week and a half he's been really chatty. Flirty and asked to see me. So we arranged Saturday for him to come over with a bottle of wine.

He walked in and kissed me pretty much instantly after we hugged and after a few sips of a drink he made his move. He then couldn't relax enough to keep it up! It kept going up then down and it turned into a few hours of stop and start. We had a drink after and a chat. Where he told me he had been holding his feelings in for ages and he thinks he got overwhelmed by the last week. He said he wants me and he wants to see me again. He was like a nervous puppy but seemed to be confessing feelings and trying to be amazing in bed and he wasn't getting the balance. Anyway off he went home.

The next day I go to walk the dog at half 9. I sent him a message to say good morning and hoped he was OK. He's messaged me first for the last week apart from one day. I got a reply at 1pm. Figured he'd had a lie in etc. But when I called him a lazy bum as a joke he told me he wished. But had been to his mums etc and was now chilling on the sofa. All afternoon it was taking him 45 minutes to 2 hours to respond. Which is alot longer than he has taken before we slept together. Last night wad the first evening we didn't message and say goodnight. I replied to a photo he had sent me of his dog. But it took him 2 hours to tell me he had just cooked dinner and showered and was getting into bed so he didn't fall asleep. I didnt message back as it felt like again it was weird. For the last week he has always over announced if he was cooking and shoering. Usually sending me photos and making it part of the conversation.

I'm not fussed about constant messaging all day. I'm just getting vibes that he's pushed back but hasn't the heart to tell me. He did say yesterday he couldn't wait to see me again. But I just sense a distance.

I didn't reply last night and I don't want to message him first this morning because I don't want to feel like im pushing him. I kinda wanna see that there's a genuine interest still.

I know I read desperate but I've liked him quite a while. My last relationship was abusive and I don't want to make any mistakes.

What do you think and what would you do.

Stop messaging him.

He's embarrassed he couldn't keep it up and can't face you again.

I found this when doing ONS when single, they're absolutely desperate for a shag but then can't actually manage it!

I think in his head he wanted to come to yours for sex, when in reality he couldn’t do it. Now he’s embarrassed and he’s distancing himself.

I don’t think he wants an actual relationship, I’d step back from messaging him tbh, I don’t think this is going anywhere.

Relax. Take the pressure off and see where it goes over the next week.

Let him make the next move.

Yeah maybe that's what's wrong. He said he was embarrassed. I've had it before on a first time sleeping with someone so I get the nerves. But yeah he's proper stepped back it feels. When he woke up yesterday he should have wanted to message me first thing I feel.

I won't message him and see if he comes towards me. But I am not going to chase it. Communication dropped massively. He messages me more when he's at work!

As you’ve known him for some time, wait a couple more days to see if he’s continuing to pull back and then ask him outright what has changed. He won’t be able to deny a change because he has all his pre sex messages to compare to.

It’s possible he is embarrassed about his performance, but he’s old enough to know that the first time with someone new is often not the best. But it’s also possible he might not have been as keen for a relationship as you thought, and was more curious to know what sex with you would be like. Now he knows.

I hope he’s decent enough to give you honest answers.

I think he's at a cross roads that's for sure. His relationship ending has put him on antidepressants. He said his mum doesn't like his ex and everything was wrong with them.
But yeah think he wanted to be all dominating and fast. I will leave it. But why make out its more than it is I don't understand.

It was fun for me but he was all about getting to the POV and my ex and I would actually spend alot of time touching and stuff. So it did feel he didn't know how to make things feel good before. Without being rude if you go straight to that it's not that exciting for a woman.

I'll see If he gets in touch. But I'll step back.

It could be lots of things. At best he is 'just embarrassed' and pulled back completely. At worst, he didn't fancy you as much as he thought, you didn't fit in with his fantasies of you - and he has now realised that. It's very hard to tell.

I would be honest and say you've noticed he's pulled back. He doesn't need to embarrassed but if the reason he's pulled back is anything else, that's fine, you'll leave him to it. Then stop messaging.

But why make out its more than it is I don't understand.
A lot of men do that to seal the deal. They know some women won’t go for a casual one off, so they’re deceitful to all women so they get what they want regardless.

Some men, maybe get caught up in the excitement of courting (old fashioned but can’t think of better word). I won’t say chase because that sounds game playing which is what it amounts to but I don’t think some men are conscious of it. They are genuinely charming and enthusiastic before the event but that all disappears once they get their kecks back on. Fickle. Some men are fucking fickle.

Also the thrill was the chase. He (sort of) got what he wanted but now the chase is over. Pretty immature for his, age!

But there was no ‘chase’, though. He ‘reached out’ by text and within ten days their first ‘date’ was him arriving at her house with a bottle of wine to have sex.

Yeah I think he probably didn't like me as much. Although he's been face to face chatting to alot. He always goes bashful around me. Thing Is I couldnt get into it as he kept going down. But I told him.it was normal and it's only me.
I will let you know if he messages. I almost feel pathetic asking him. I think it was the build up chase for him. Maybe it's done now and his mind is blank or doesn't wanna date me properly like you say.

His technique is very off so I wouldn't be wanting many repeats of that 😬but, as you say, it could be nerves.

I would mirror his responses with your own.
Takes two hours to send a reply of 2 sentences? Take 3 to reply with 1. He may or may not improve, but life is too short to be messed about.
He may be embarrassed, but no excuse for rudeness.

That's 17 year old dating 🙄

If you’re already looking into who’s texting who first and the time in between texts it’s not the best is it. I’d just maybe cool off yourself, like you said you don’t want to make any mistakes so if he wants to message you and see you then he will. I’m sure he knows you really like it already so let it happen naturally

Yes I think mirroring. So he messaged last but was just excusing himself saying he was getting into bed. It was a friendly message. But I don't feel I should message first. I will update later if I don't hear from him in the next 2 hours I will know he's backing back off as he messages before 8 on work days

So there was no foreplay and he just wanted to stick it in? (but couldn't)

I wouldn't be pursuing this anyway. You're only 35. Don't settle for a game playing man in his 50s who doesn't even care about your pleasure.

Also you're asking us to break down your date. What date? He came to your house to get laid! There was absolutely zero attempt to woo or date you. You deserve better treatment op

He used you and now he has moved onto Tinder. He might be back but afterwards you'll feel worse. Don't message him for one month and then be in control of your emotions. Never meet him again for sex None of this is your fault

He's not in his 50s. He's 31. Well he did a tiny bit but he seemed to want to just get to that bit.

I feel abit ashamed as he's the first person I've let get close to me after 4 years of abuse. But yeah I'll pull back now it is what it is. This is always how it goes in modern dating now anyway. They are just hopping about looking for a thrill not a connection.

I think at 35 you don’t have time to waste on someone blowing hot and cold. Best leave that for the teenagers.

He doesn't sound like the man for you OP. However, if he does get back in touch, and you decide to give him a chance, then take it slowly. Let him work for what he wants. The immediate kissing and wanting sex is a bit disrespectful and you're worth more. If he's not willing to date a bit before moving the relationship on then he's not worthy of you. If he's not prepared to engage in some foreplay before intercourse, he's not worthy of you. Don't be afraid to say no if he's doing something you're not happy with. You don't owe him anything.

' I'm not fussed about constant messaging all day. '

You say that but you do message all day. Step back and let the anticipation build up again.

Apologies op. I don't know where I got 51 from.

My opinion still stands though. He's a crap shag who is now backing off because it didn't go to plan. You deserve better than such shoddy treatment. Other men are available. Don't contact him again.