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Original poster

Break down this date with me.

87 replies

CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 05:40

Hi everyone. So over a year now me 35 and 31 year old male have had a thing for eachother. We both have become single in the last few months and he reached out to me a few weeks back. As I say we know eachother anyway in a similar circle. For the last week and a half he's been really chatty. Flirty and asked to see me. So we arranged Saturday for him to come over with a bottle of wine.

He walked in and kissed me pretty much instantly after we hugged and after a few sips of a drink he made his move. He then couldn't relax enough to keep it up! It kept going up then down and it turned into a few hours of stop and start. We had a drink after and a chat. Where he told me he had been holding his feelings in for ages and he thinks he got overwhelmed by the last week. He said he wants me and he wants to see me again. He was like a nervous puppy but seemed to be confessing feelings and trying to be amazing in bed and he wasn't getting the balance. Anyway off he went home.

The next day I go to walk the dog at half 9. I sent him a message to say good morning and hoped he was OK. He's messaged me first for the last week apart from one day. I got a reply at 1pm. Figured he'd had a lie in etc. But when I called him a lazy bum as a joke he told me he wished. But had been to his mums etc and was now chilling on the sofa. All afternoon it was taking him 45 minutes to 2 hours to respond. Which is alot longer than he has taken before we slept together. Last night wad the first evening we didn't message and say goodnight. I replied to a photo he had sent me of his dog. But it took him 2 hours to tell me he had just cooked dinner and showered and was getting into bed so he didn't fall asleep. I didnt message back as it felt like again it was weird. For the last week he has always over announced if he was cooking and shoering. Usually sending me photos and making it part of the conversation.

I'm not fussed about constant messaging all day. I'm just getting vibes that he's pushed back but hasn't the heart to tell me. He did say yesterday he couldn't wait to see me again. But I just sense a distance.

I didn't reply last night and I don't want to message him first this morning because I don't want to feel like im pushing him. I kinda wanna see that there's a genuine interest still.

I know I read desperate but I've liked him quite a while. My last relationship was abusive and I don't want to make any mistakes.

What do you think and what would you do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 16:45

He's messaged Me abit today. Friendly and caring. Love hearts etc.

Hmm. I know it wasn't the best date but it was a nice place to start on terms of me feeling brave and getting back out there.

I feel its too soon to ask what we are or what he wants going forward don't you? Or is it acceptable?

If he found me abit gross and that made his bone on flop why did he keep doing stuff to me and trying again. Why was he stroking my arms and gazing in my eyes if he thought I was gross? I didn't kiss him or touch him first. Plus why would I turn him off. My body isn't that bad. Slight mum tum.

I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 09/12/2024 17:02

Don't think anything. There are over 4 billion men out there. Never lower yourself to analysing one.
Have you had any therapy or done any self esteem work since the abuse?
Also, if you have a kid in the house random males shouldn't be in their home, for safeguarding reasons.

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 17:13

Hmm. I know it wasn't the best date but it was a nice place to start on terms of me feeling brave and getting back out there.

Sorry OP but it’s really not a nice place to start. It sounds a bit zero effort tbh.

A nice place to start would be going out for a couple of drinks, even a coffee and having a bit of a chat and a flirt rather than jumping into a NSA hook up. If you want something more than casual with with this man, then you really need to be looking at raising your first date bar

gannett · 09/12/2024 17:28

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 17:13

Hmm. I know it wasn't the best date but it was a nice place to start on terms of me feeling brave and getting back out there.

Sorry OP but it’s really not a nice place to start. It sounds a bit zero effort tbh.

A nice place to start would be going out for a couple of drinks, even a coffee and having a bit of a chat and a flirt rather than jumping into a NSA hook up. If you want something more than casual with with this man, then you really need to be looking at raising your first date bar

Edited

They're friends already. That's a completely different dynamic to a first date with a relative stranger off OLD. Most couples I know who met as friends started off in a similar low-key way (or at least a cosy casual night in with a bottle of wine or several is what took their friendship to the next level).

Nothing wrong with NSA hookups either, though I agree OP should probably work out in her head what she wants out of this before doing anything else.

Original poster
CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 17:58

I've known him 18 months been in a room with him many times and know his family etc. So it was more abit of Saturday night company.

I want to ask him what we are aiming for but without sounding needy. Because I don't even know if I see him as a boyfriend opportunity. But if I'm just sex I'd like to know.

How do I word this to him.

Yes I've had therapy and stuff.

OP posts:
gannett · 09/12/2024 18:18

CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 17:58

I've known him 18 months been in a room with him many times and know his family etc. So it was more abit of Saturday night company.

I want to ask him what we are aiming for but without sounding needy. Because I don't even know if I see him as a boyfriend opportunity. But if I'm just sex I'd like to know.

How do I word this to him.

Yes I've had therapy and stuff.

Focus on what you want, not what he wants. Don't ask him - it sounds like you're waiting to be guided by his answer.

I get that you want to be sure he's into you properly before committing yourself, even in your head, but ultimately it's the wrong way round to do things. His anwer may well be that he doesn't know - after all, that's your answer! There's always a bit of awkward ambivalence when people who were friends ascertain whether they want to be partners. But it's not really reasonable to ask him for anything definite when you're not sure you want him as a boyfriend yourself.

Plus, if we have to look at the power dynamic (despite that not being a healthy road to go down) you hold the cards now. If he's really into you and had been waiting ages to shoot his shot, right now he's mortified and thinking he's blown it.

BeccaS34 · 09/12/2024 18:31

I would distract yourself and not overthink it. This is the holiday season so it’s possible he is spending more time with people like his mum, any nieces or nephews etc.

It’s also possible he’s a little embarrassed. Sometimes after telling someone you’ve been into them for a long time you feel a pang of shame or vulnerability.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, don’t overthink this. Also it sounds like you share a friend group so you may hear something about him, like he’s very into you or he thinks you don’t like him back, whatever.

TammyOne · 09/12/2024 18:35

I don’t really get it…you’d arranged a hook up (not a date) and this man turned out to be a damp squib.
Noe you are agonising over whether he reaaallly likes you or not?
Why are you still interested? Surely he’d normally have to work quite hard to get past the embarrassing let down, rather than you doing all the thinking/ running/ pick me-ing?
I strongly suggest you throw this one back and get a dog. Think about dating again when your self esteem is much more developed.
Honestly, you can do better than half arsed, flaccid and immature.

Original poster
CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 18:49

He said he doesn't want to label it as anything at the moment he's just going with the flow and doesn't know.

I'm not going to message back because that sounds like he's not arsed to date me or take me out or anything.

I have made my decision I am not going to waste my time on someone who has no clue what he's aiming for. I do understand not loving eachother or wanting to be commited yet. But I'm not wanting to be screwed every few days and not worthy of anything else.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 09/12/2024 18:50

He's keeping you on the back-burner.

I'd be friendly still, but wait for him to ask you on a date. IF he's embarrassed, then a date takes the pressure off, cos there's no need to perform. If he's just after sex (which it sounds like) he won't be keen on dating.

Really, him going floppy would have been the ideal time for him to have paid some attention to YOU, rather than just keep trying to poke it in. It sounds like he didn't really care about your enjoyment.

I suspect he is nowhere near over his ex, and you are a distraction. He'll pick you up whenever he needs to be distracted - and paying less attention if the ex is about. I'd also be worried he might be using you to make the ex jealous.

ChristmasFluff · 09/12/2024 18:51

Aaaah, just seen your update - you are doing the right thing - he is a time waster. And that's on him - no reflection on you.

yossell · 09/12/2024 18:51

Don't go down the route of thinking it's your body that caused his performance issues. For what it's worth, the fact that he had performance issues could support the view that he doesn't just want sex - that he was nervous because he wanted to impress you. It's likely he's really embarrassed now.

I wouldn't try to draw any conclusions yet - if you like him, play it cautiously but give him the chance to redeem himself (I agree that, even if nervous, he's been pretty clumsy in his interactions)

Probablyshouldntsay · 09/12/2024 19:08

OP, you deserve a man who takes you on a nice date- a dinner, a nice activity, gets to know you, cooks for you, messages you in a reliable manner and makes you feel confident and desired.
This guy is a bum.

Fannyfiggs · 09/12/2024 19:13

CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 18:49

He said he doesn't want to label it as anything at the moment he's just going with the flow and doesn't know.

I'm not going to message back because that sounds like he's not arsed to date me or take me out or anything.

I have made my decision I am not going to waste my time on someone who has no clue what he's aiming for. I do understand not loving eachother or wanting to be commited yet. But I'm not wanting to be screwed every few days and not worthy of anything else.

I think you've just dodged some really bad sex with a man I'd imagine would need to use a sat nav to find yon fabled area called the clitoris!

Original poster
CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 19:21

You can't get any more intimate than sex yet you can do all that stuff and have eachothers parts in your mouth but be horrified of that person asking what your intentions are.

I don't know if I'm being too cringe after one time but I don't like his uncertainly because it makes me feel he's capable of ditching me at any point. Which I don't really need any more shit after letting someone near.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 19:38

He said I put him on the spot with that question so I told him I didn't think I should see him anymore because it would wreck my head.

He's not the person for me to be going to after a shitty relationship. Its just walking into another pile of let downs.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/12/2024 19:38

'I'm not fussed about the constant messages all day' well you should be, because when someone messages you 24/7 there inevitably comes a point where they don't for a day (or for '45 minutes to two hours') and suddenly you're overthinking and insecure. Which us usually what they intended. Don't let men tie you to your phone. Emotionally healthy men don't love bomb.

I don't know why you invited him to your home if you like him. Fair enough if you only wanted sex but then, why does it matter if he messages you quickly or not? If you like like him, you should have dated him to figure out if he was suitable. If it's about sex, then he's obviously not suitable.

Especially having come out of something abusive recently op you need to be more careful.
Read up on love bombing and abusive behaviour.
Don't get stuck with another headwrecker.

And sod all that 'can't keep it up because of excitement' bs. If he has a problem keeping it hard the first time, that's not going to get better. Only worse.

If you're newly away from am abuser, it would be wise to take 18 months completely single and reading all you can on how to spot abuse before getting involved with a man again.

PetuniaK · 09/12/2024 19:46

You’re well rid of a half-arsed Romeo who is also a shit shag. Be grateful you found out quickly!!

Pinkbonbon · 09/12/2024 19:49

CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 19:38

He said I put him on the spot with that question so I told him I didn't think I should see him anymore because it would wreck my head.

He's not the person for me to be going to after a shitty relationship. Its just walking into another pile of let downs.

Absolutely a good shout.

Like you said, having the cheek to say he wants to go with the flow after you've slept together is cheeky.

That being said, always best to ask what they want before sex. Not yo say they can't lie or change their minds of course. But worth at least trying to discern what page they are on first.

If his dong is all floppy at 31 I'd suspect he's a porn addict. Or unhealthy as a result of things like weight or too much cocaine in his 20s.

Its no fault with you if he can't get hard.

xTheLoudLeaderx · 09/12/2024 20:08

CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 19:38

He said I put him on the spot with that question so I told him I didn't think I should see him anymore because it would wreck my head.

He's not the person for me to be going to after a shitty relationship. Its just walking into another pile of let downs.

if you asked him, you did put him on the spot because you wanted an answer. He’s not given you the answer you want, but you know where you stand now.
If you enjoy his company then you can still see him, as long as you’re happy and on the same page but it sounds like he’s giving FWB and you want taking out ! Which is just not where he’s at. Don’t start thinking what’s wrong with your body though or if you was a turn off… you said loads of emotions and circumstances so there’s a lot going on emotionally and physically - somethings things don’t always transpire

Babbahabba · 09/12/2024 20:48

I'm very direct and CBA with all this analysing and fannying about. I'd just ask him directly if he's still interested & wants to meet up and if not, no hard feelings. At least you'd know where you stand.

Babbahabba · 09/12/2024 20:51

Sorry just read the update that you did ask him and he gave a stupid nothing response. Fire him off OP- you're right. Waste of time.

Isthisit22 · 09/12/2024 21:17

I suspect you’re going to let him mess you around for a long time- please prove me wrong and just block him now.
Even if he’d given you a better answer- why would you want someone who is so hung up on their ex that they’re on anti depressants and who valued you so little that he didn’t even bother to take you anywhere on your ‘first date’? He just sees you as a cheap shag… and even then can’t manage that.
Block and raise your standards

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 21:22

gannett · 09/12/2024 17:28

They're friends already. That's a completely different dynamic to a first date with a relative stranger off OLD. Most couples I know who met as friends started off in a similar low-key way (or at least a cosy casual night in with a bottle of wine or several is what took their friendship to the next level).

Nothing wrong with NSA hookups either, though I agree OP should probably work out in her head what she wants out of this before doing anything else.

Show quote history

I didn’t say there was anything wrong with a NSA hook up if that’s what they both want but I think it’s pretty clear the OP wants more than that.

I started out as friends with my ex DH and my last partner, however imo it’s important to start the path into a relationship with actual dates and not cozy nights in. It’s about starting off as you mean yo go on for me but appreciate people are different.

However from the OP’s updates, this guy isn’t looking for dates I don’t think

Original poster
CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 21:33

He's confessed alot more tonight about needing time to repair etc. He said he didn't mean to come across distant yesterday he was more tired and he starts councilling next week. Think I've just been on the end of his mental health issues. But nooo its done now. It's not what he made me think it was. He actually stared into my eyes and said he already knew what he wanted and it was me. Who the fuck says that if they don't mean it.

OP posts:
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