Break down this date with me.

[CakestAnd5]

Hi everyone. So over a year now me 35 and 31 year old male have had a thing for eachother. We both have become single in the last few months and he reached out to me a few weeks back. As I say we know eachother anyway in a similar circle. For the last week and a half he's been really chatty. Flirty and asked to see me. So we arranged Saturday for him to come over with a bottle of wine.

He walked in and kissed me pretty much instantly after we hugged and after a few sips of a drink he made his move. He then couldn't relax enough to keep it up! It kept going up then down and it turned into a few hours of stop and start. We had a drink after and a chat. Where he told me he had been holding his feelings in for ages and he thinks he got overwhelmed by the last week. He said he wants me and he wants to see me again. He was like a nervous puppy but seemed to be confessing feelings and trying to be amazing in bed and he wasn't getting the balance. Anyway off he went home.

The next day I go to walk the dog at half 9. I sent him a message to say good morning and hoped he was OK. He's messaged me first for the last week apart from one day. I got a reply at 1pm. Figured he'd had a lie in etc. But when I called him a lazy bum as a joke he told me he wished. But had been to his mums etc and was now chilling on the sofa. All afternoon it was taking him 45 minutes to 2 hours to respond. Which is alot longer than he has taken before we slept together. Last night wad the first evening we didn't message and say goodnight. I replied to a photo he had sent me of his dog. But it took him 2 hours to tell me he had just cooked dinner and showered and was getting into bed so he didn't fall asleep. I didnt message back as it felt like again it was weird. For the last week he has always over announced if he was cooking and shoering. Usually sending me photos and making it part of the conversation.

I'm not fussed about constant messaging all day. I'm just getting vibes that he's pushed back but hasn't the heart to tell me. He did say yesterday he couldn't wait to see me again. But I just sense a distance.

I didn't reply last night and I don't want to message him first this morning because I don't want to feel like im pushing him. I kinda wanna see that there's a genuine interest still.

I know I read desperate but I've liked him quite a while. My last relationship was abusive and I don't want to make any mistakes.

What do you think and what would you do.

Who the fuck says that if they don't mean it

A man wanting something, usually sex.

He doesn't sound like he’s in the best mindset. To Say he wants you is still very open and words are easily said. You was confused and stressed earlier because of his actions, I’d wait and see more of his actions before you get too carried away, or just enjoy the moment and take it for what is is from now

I totally agree.

This has fucked up so badly, it wasn't a date, he came round your house to have sex (dates involve going out and going places, this isn't 2020!)

I don't think for a second he's embarrassed, the whole way he behaved was so cringeworthy, I'm embarrassed for him though.

If you are embarking on ONS as a way to get back into 'dating' I think that's a mistake, you seem quite fragile and sensitive (not a bad thing) and there are much nicer men out there.

The men on this thread might be wanting him to get another shot, but women aren't a rehab centre for men, you owe him nothing, you owe yourself better standards.

I think you've been way too intense OP. I don't think you're ready to date at all

In my defence I knew him for a while and thought he was someone I could give a chance to. I'm done with it now. I clicked on I was going to be used when he felt lonely and needed sex. It wasn't ever about truly wanting me. But I'm fine now.

I'm sorry but you did not go on a date. He enjoyed the chase and got his leg over. Throw this one back OP.

Loads of men say it when they don’t mean it, it’s the think it’s the entrance fee for a shag. So so pathetic.

He said he doesn't want to label it as anything at the moment he's just going with the flow and doesn't know. OK so ignore what the label is and just ask what quality of relationship are you getting based solely on the communication and actions: low effort; low transparency; everything having to be dragged out of him. (And he’s probably got ED from his porn addiction) Who the fuck would want to be in a relationship with that. This person is already making your life worse, not enhancing it.

I think unfortunately, because you already knew him outside of a romantic relationship, you kind of felt more emotional intimacy with him than there was? It's difficult, but however long you've known someone, you haven't known them at all in a romantic relationship, so you have to take it as getting to know them from scratch.

It turns out that in a romantic relationship this bloke is low effort and then makes excuses to try to string you along.

I hope you are feeling better and strong this morning, OP, and keep focussed on how you deserve a way better boyfriend than this user.

I'm sorry you were treated like this. Knowing someone for that amount of time probably meant you thought you could trust him and he'd be decent. He wasn't though and you sound like you deserve so much more.
Bollocks to him. Idiot. Hope you're ok x

this whole texting thing is so insanely pressured. I. mean what could you have to say to someone multiple times a day at this point in a relationship.

Anti-depressants can impact the ability to sustain an erection or to finish.

You also can’t tell tone from a text the way you can from someone’s voice. It’s ok to not text so much and try to have more in person interaction.

Something like just text, “I had a great time let’s grab a coffee this weekend or something.”

When you’re dealing with guys sometimes if they’re excited their friends will tell them not to be too eager/back off etc. So if he’s push-pulling it could be about embarrassment or about bad advice. It could be anything really.

I know a lot of people hate talking on the phone but honestly compared to texting you get more info from tone of voice etc. Next time OP I’d say text less just try to meet up again in a well lit public place like a cafe and have a conversation. It’s not a super sexy location if he says no w/o offering an alternate time (visiting family this weekend but next weekend could work) that alone will tell you about his mindset