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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break down this date with me.

87 replies

CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 05:40

Hi everyone. So over a year now me 35 and 31 year old male have had a thing for eachother. We both have become single in the last few months and he reached out to me a few weeks back. As I say we know eachother anyway in a similar circle. For the last week and a half he's been really chatty. Flirty and asked to see me. So we arranged Saturday for him to come over with a bottle of wine.

He walked in and kissed me pretty much instantly after we hugged and after a few sips of a drink he made his move. He then couldn't relax enough to keep it up! It kept going up then down and it turned into a few hours of stop and start. We had a drink after and a chat. Where he told me he had been holding his feelings in for ages and he thinks he got overwhelmed by the last week. He said he wants me and he wants to see me again. He was like a nervous puppy but seemed to be confessing feelings and trying to be amazing in bed and he wasn't getting the balance. Anyway off he went home.

The next day I go to walk the dog at half 9. I sent him a message to say good morning and hoped he was OK. He's messaged me first for the last week apart from one day. I got a reply at 1pm. Figured he'd had a lie in etc. But when I called him a lazy bum as a joke he told me he wished. But had been to his mums etc and was now chilling on the sofa. All afternoon it was taking him 45 minutes to 2 hours to respond. Which is alot longer than he has taken before we slept together. Last night wad the first evening we didn't message and say goodnight. I replied to a photo he had sent me of his dog. But it took him 2 hours to tell me he had just cooked dinner and showered and was getting into bed so he didn't fall asleep. I didnt message back as it felt like again it was weird. For the last week he has always over announced if he was cooking and shoering. Usually sending me photos and making it part of the conversation.

I'm not fussed about constant messaging all day. I'm just getting vibes that he's pushed back but hasn't the heart to tell me. He did say yesterday he couldn't wait to see me again. But I just sense a distance.

I didn't reply last night and I don't want to message him first this morning because I don't want to feel like im pushing him. I kinda wanna see that there's a genuine interest still.

I know I read desperate but I've liked him quite a while. My last relationship was abusive and I don't want to make any mistakes.

What do you think and what would you do.

OP posts:
xTheLoudLeaderx · 09/12/2024 08:10

Putting time limits on stuff too like if he’s not replied a before 8am… you’re doing your own head in there. He is still messaging you, but you’re trying to figure something out when you should just let it happen and have your wits about you not to get played around

Original poster
CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 08:18

Not had a good morning message. Even though he was last to message. So I think we can be confident it was just a shag.

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 09/12/2024 08:20

Don't feel bad or be embarrassed. You done what felt right at the time. He'll definitely feel embarrassed but how he handles that is up to him. Rather than playing games and not texting him etc. why don't you just ask him if he's lost interest. As shit as it may be if he has, at least you know 😊

You haven't done anything wrong so hold your head high and chalk it up to experience.

Original poster
CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 08:26

Yeah I'll give it until this afternoon then ask.

OP posts:
gannett · 09/12/2024 08:38

I'm not sure what needs to be broken down because I don't think taking 1-2 hours to reply to messages (when he said he was visiting his mum and then cooking dinner... so not in a position to be messaging) is noteworthy. Expecting instant replies all the time isn't really reasonable.

That said I assume he's pretty embarrassed at his (lack of) performance and probably thinks you were unimpressed and no longer interested. So he may be trying to save face a bit by withdrawing slightly. (To be honest I can't really tell whether the non-performance was a deal-breaker for you... if it wasn't then I suggest you do some no-nonsense reassurance, preferably in person, rather than letting him stew about it. And if it was that's fair enough but I imagine you wouldn't be concerned about his messaging if that was the case.)

The whole "he just wanted a shag and is dropping you now he got it" interpretation doesn't make sense because he didn't get a shag, because he couldn't!

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 08:51

CakestAnd5 · 09/12/2024 06:58

I feel abit ashamed as he's the first person I've let get close to me after 4 years of abuse. But yeah I'll pull back now it is what it is. This is always how it goes in modern dating now anyway. They are just hopping about looking for a thrill not a connection.

Show quote history

This isn’t ’what modern dating is about now’ - you don’t have to settle for someone looking for a NSA shag unless that’s what you’re happy with too.

healthybychristmas · 09/12/2024 08:53

I think it's just the classic thing where you get a lot of attention when they want sex and nothing at all after they've had it.

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 08:54

gannett · 09/12/2024 08:38

I'm not sure what needs to be broken down because I don't think taking 1-2 hours to reply to messages (when he said he was visiting his mum and then cooking dinner... so not in a position to be messaging) is noteworthy. Expecting instant replies all the time isn't really reasonable.

That said I assume he's pretty embarrassed at his (lack of) performance and probably thinks you were unimpressed and no longer interested. So he may be trying to save face a bit by withdrawing slightly. (To be honest I can't really tell whether the non-performance was a deal-breaker for you... if it wasn't then I suggest you do some no-nonsense reassurance, preferably in person, rather than letting him stew about it. And if it was that's fair enough but I imagine you wouldn't be concerned about his messaging if that was the case.)

The whole "he just wanted a shag and is dropping you now he got it" interpretation doesn't make sense because he didn't get a shag, because he couldn't!

I think this is fair, but taking into account that their first ‘date’ involved the OP inviting him to her house with a bottle of wine, and that he kissed her the moment he was in the door and ‘made his move’ after a few sips of wine, I imagine the intention for both of them was that this encounter wasn’t about anything other than sex.

So when the sex didn’t happen, it’s both (1) more embarrassing because the date wasn’t conceived of as being about anything other than sex, and (2) also it’s not clear what type of relationship they have or plan to have now.

OP, did you or do you want some form of romantic relationship with this man? It’s not clear to me whether this was a FWB situation or not.

jinglemybells85 · 09/12/2024 08:55

Not too sure what the issue is here.

He likes you, he wanted to sleep with you. He couldn't stay hard because a) nerves and b) he is on antidepressants.

He is now embarrassed and probably gutted he couldn't show you how much of a stud he is in the bedroom so he's pulled back a bit.

Give it a few days, don't mirror his messaging and instead reply in a normal timely manor and let it play out naturally. You will soon know whether it was a one-off of whether there's a possibility for more.

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 08:55

healthybychristmas · 09/12/2024 08:53

I think it's just the classic thing where you get a lot of attention when they want sex and nothing at all after they've had it.

Except he didn’t have sex.

gannett · 09/12/2024 08:58

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 08:54

I think this is fair, but taking into account that their first ‘date’ involved the OP inviting him to her house with a bottle of wine, and that he kissed her the moment he was in the door and ‘made his move’ after a few sips of wine, I imagine the intention for both of them was that this encounter wasn’t about anything other than sex.

So when the sex didn’t happen, it’s both (1) more embarrassing because the date wasn’t conceived of as being about anything other than sex, and (2) also it’s not clear what type of relationship they have or plan to have now.

OP, did you or do you want some form of romantic relationship with this man? It’s not clear to me whether this was a FWB situation or not.

Show quote history

Yeah 100% to this.

It's not clear to me either from the OP's first post or her updates what she wants this relationship to be, so it must be clear as mud to him.

banality101 · 09/12/2024 08:59

What's the point of him? He can't be bothered taking you out on a nice date, and even if you just wanted him for some nice sex he can't even do that either.

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 09:01

FailureAndSuicide · 09/12/2024 06:38

He used you and now he has moved onto Tinder. He might be back but afterwards you'll feel worse. Don't message him for one month and then be in control of your emotions. Never meet him again for sex None of this is your fault

I’d be surprised if his immediate response to an embarrassing episode of ED with someone from his social group was to go looking for someone else with whom to repeat the experience.

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 09:02

gannett · 09/12/2024 08:58

Yeah 100% to this.

It's not clear to me either from the OP's first post or her updates what she wants this relationship to be, so it must be clear as mud to him.

Show quote history

Yes, this. OP, how did or do you envisage this encounter?

whatnow5 · 09/12/2024 09:07

Why do you want to continue with some loser who can’t get it up or bother to speak to you after? Drop this.

Are you really 35? This all sounds very immature.

Anonym00se · 09/12/2024 09:19

banality101 · 09/12/2024 08:59

What's the point of him? He can't be bothered taking you out on a nice date, and even if you just wanted him for some nice sex he can't even do that either.

This sums it up perfectly. The fact that he pounced almost as soon as he was through the door suggests that he saw it as a hook up rather than a ‘date’.

OP, I’d draw a line under it and forget him. After an abusive relationship the last thing you need is a using, game playing fuck-boy. Cut him loose.

missod · 09/12/2024 09:22

Antidepressants can affect performance. He's embarrassed.

forgivingfiggy · 09/12/2024 11:16

For what it's worth I read his reaction as a bit embarrassed.

usernother · 09/12/2024 11:20

He's had a thing for just wanting to shag you for ages. Not a relationship. That's all. That didn't work so he's looking for someone else.

fgsistwbotp · 09/12/2024 12:19

It sounds like you'd known each other for a while and are friends and then you flirted and wanted to move on to the next step? Was that the first date you'd had (as opposed to hanging out as friends in a group)? Had you not kissed before?

Maybe it was all too much, too soon going from being friends/acquaintances to having sex. And maybe he thought there was chemistry but when he kissed you he wasn't feeling it. Then he couldn't maintain an erection and now he's gone quiet on you. It's possible that he's built it up in his head to be something and then discovered that the sexual chemistry between the two of you just doesn't work.

I've done this twice to men (in my younger days). And yes, I did feel bad about it. Friendship. Flirting. A date or two. And then the first kiss and unfortunately I just wasn't feeling it and it wasn't going to work.

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 09/12/2024 12:37

Never degrade yourself by analysing a man. There was no date. Just some bloke going in to your home for sex, which he failed at.

Before dating anyone you should do extensive work on yourself so you'd never accept such treatment again. A man going in your house is not a date.

retinolalcohol · 09/12/2024 12:53

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 09/12/2024 12:37

Never degrade yourself by analysing a man. There was no date. Just some bloke going in to your home for sex, which he failed at.

Before dating anyone you should do extensive work on yourself so you'd never accept such treatment again. A man going in your house is not a date.

All of this.

He's hardly pushed the boat out to impress you, which men do tend to when they really like a woman.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I suspect your boundaries are somewhat degraded as a result of your past. If you want a relationship and someone to take you seriously, let them date you for a while. This bare minimum effort watching a movie/going for a drive/have a drink at yours rarely yields good results.

All you've got to remember really is that if a man likes you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused/unsettled

jinglemybells85 · 09/12/2024 13:51

I think most of you are being really harsh on him tbh.

And guys don't tend to just want one shag, they tend to want regular sex, so for those saying he ' had his shag ' I think this is unlikely.

FailureAndSuicide · 09/12/2024 14:55

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 09:01

I’d be surprised if his immediate response to an embarrassing episode of ED with someone from his social group was to go looking for someone else with whom to repeat the experience.

Show quote history

ED? Or just didn't fancy her enough?

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 15:00

jinglemybells85 · 09/12/2024 13:51

I think most of you are being really harsh on him tbh.

And guys don't tend to just want one shag, they tend to want regular sex, so for those saying he ' had his shag ' I think this is unlikely.

I’m not being harsh on him. I simply feel that his problems are not the OP’s issue to solve, and that as she sounds over-invested in a single encounter that went badly, and he doesn’t sound particularly keen on any ongoing relationship or contact, for whatever reason, she shouldn’t waste any more mental energy on him. Maybe he was nervous and is cringing with embarrassment, or maybe he didn't fancy her enough, or maybe he has ongoing problems with ED, or any number of other things, but in order for the OP to know any of this, he would need to communicate and he’s chosen not to. All she can do is recognise that there’s nothing to solve here and move on,