Boyfriend being stingy with money but used OF

[PinkBlossom92]

I (31) have been living with my boyfriend (43) for a year, had a bad car accident in October and had to buy a new car which I wasnt planning on doing this year, due to the high outgoings from buying a new house etc.
My dad in the end said he will pay the car off upfront (8k) and I can take a loan out and pay him back, so I don't get hit with high Apr from HP and i gave my dad 2k from my savings so the loan wouldn't be as big.

When my partner and I sat down to look through loans, he said he will let me 'borrow' 2.5k from him and pay it back to him over 18 months so that I don't have to take out such a big loan. I was a bit shocked if I'm honest. I said to him, when we spoke about me getting the car, you said you would GIVE me a grand toward it so I didn't have to clear my savings (the 2k). He denied this and I got pretty angry. I said you had no problem paying for your ex to be off work for a year after she got fired and then gave her 4k for house furniture when you split up and paid OF girls in 2020-2022 AND gave another woman huge amounts of money, who was basically scamming him for 5 years - but we have a mortgage together and are rasing my son together and yet you can't even help me with some money toward a car I need to have? I said I'm not taking a 'loan' off you, I'd rather a bank as that's insulting to be 'in debt' to the person I apparently have a life with.

I have a son that my partner doesn't pay toward eg after school clubs, clothing, shoes, activities or days out for us as a family, as I use child maintenance for this. My partner pays the majority of the niggly bills like tv licence, house insurance, internet due to not paying toward my sons expenses but I pay my share of the mortgage and the other bills like gas and electric.
I feel like a bit of a mug tbh, living with a bloke that spends money on other women but not me. It's embarrassing. I'm wondering if I maybe over reacted or if I'm within my rights to ask for him to help.
info: he’s on 50k I’m on 29k

And your point is what? Do you have a man? Do your kids even speak to you? I think not otherwise you wouldn’t be spending your Sunday afternoon posting on this thread every 13 minutes. Go out and get some fresh air hun.

well OP could always go on only fans Im guessing her partner would absolutely be ok with that because im sure hes not a hypocrite 😉

Legit right

Lmaooooo you are so right! I’m gonna suggest this

He can do what he wants or change his mind what he does with his money tbh, you’re not married and you don’t share a child and it sounds like your finances are separate

Ignoring the OF thing for a moment.

The issue has arisen because your finances are partly shared but partly not shared. There is no clarity. Do you have a joint account? How was it decided who pays what?
When you both own the house, a joint account is probably best, for ALL the bills and household shopping. You both pay into it, either in proportion to your incomes (excluding the maintenance for your child), or alternatively you both pay all your income into it and then transfer a 'spending money' amount into each of your personal accounts so that you have the same spending money each.
As part of the conversation to sort this out, you need to decide whether you each pay for your own cars, or if they count as household costs.

You said you equate money with trust. He may have a totally different view of money - it means something else to him.
You need several conversations to sort this out and put your finances on a stable footing for a long-term future. You need to talk about pensions and savings too.

OR - going back to the OF, you ditch him for his low morals and force the sale of the house to get your money back.

Thank you for the message I appreciate your views. Will take this on board and attempt a convo tonight as we deffo do need clearer outlines for what it id we’re doing re finances. Ty

When you recall your drive to get a degree,career and overcome obstacles you come across really sensible . Your individual drive for your and your son
However, when you argue with posters, accuse posters of being men, and are sarky, you came across really badly

If you were posting on here saying that you didnt trust your current partner because your previous one cheated on you you would be told that you cant punish your partner for what someone else did.
Yet your partner is basing his decisions towards you on what a previous partner did. But because it involves M.O.N.E.Y. we see the double standards.

Where did I mention anything about minimum wage? The point I was making is that it’s unlikely he’s sitting on wads of spare cash as a homeowner on that salary and is therefore not necessarily in a position to be gifting thousands of pounds.

What he spent his money on before you really isn't your concern. It's crap that he's gone back on his word on the £1k but the rest of it yabu I think. You do come across as entitled.

Very wise counsel. I agree

He has 50k in an offset account ..

I know.. It’s something I’m working on as I do tend to go 0-100. Sorry for being spiky earlier.

I think if my partner offered to help me out with a grand towards a car and then changed his mind it would hurt my feelings as well. Why offer if you are not going to do it.
I think "equality" now means that women pay 50/50 for things but don't earn as much and they do way more around the house and with the children so it's not equality if it's finances but not the rest.
He isn't obliged to give you money towards a car but he shouldn't offer in the first place. I don't live with my partner and he wouldn't help me out financially and I wouldn't ask him. I think when you live together you should be more of a partnership.

I would never expect a bf of a year to contribute towards a car for me. If he offered me a loan I'd think it was very generous of him and would be appreciative of that.

I have a Dd from my previous marriage and I'd expect to contribute a higher % towards household bills than a child-free partner, regardless of our income levels.

Having said all that I wouldn't be with someone who paid for OF content.

However, I see it as 2 completely separate and unrelated points

I think you either pool your money and you're a partnership financially - or you don't. It doesn't work when there is this concept and expectation of gifting to each other.

I am the higher earner in my house, but everything is paid into a joint account with joint savings. There is absolutely no concept of 'my' money - and if we traced it through then I pay the bills and DP contributes their whole salary to our savings - but obviously they can only do this because I pay all the bills. We just have money in account to put towards either of us having a new car.

You obviously don't operate that way, and that's fine too. But you can't expect him to give you money because you need a new car in that scenario. It's not on that he offered and then retracted but I don't think he has any obligation to contribute here.

That said, I would not have bought a house with anyone who wasn't prepared to pool all finances as I couldn't be doing with constantly working out who was paying for what - but from MN I see that does work for a lot of people.

If he watched you struggle all those years whilst doing your degree and didn't help you even though he could and instead spunked his money on only fans then he is not a good guy.

You've worked so hard to get a degree and better your life, get out from under him dragging you down. It's not about his money vs your money now you have a mortgage together, he has to be pretty callous to offer to help you get a car and then rescind the offer. Sounds like a controlling idiot

Why should he have to give you £1000 towards a new car? I think you're being really unreasonable here. Not only is your dad bailing you out but you expect your partner to gift you money too. You're a grown woman. None of these men are obligated to step in and help you out of a financial mess in your life.

I get where you are coming from, OP. It's not a huge sum given the length of time you have been together, was an unexpected expense and a necessary purchase that I can presume he can also benefit from.

I think maybe a calm discussion with him on why he feels unable to 'gift' you the money given the circumstances might be a good idea?

OP, he really doesn't sound like any prize.
I wouldn't trust him.
So unfortunate that you had the house bought when you found out whatva sordid little man he is.
Don't depend on him.
Protect yourself.

OP I agree with this - it also sounds a bit iffy to me that he’s not helping out his partner of 9 years who he lives with. I wouldn’t be looking to have kids with him as he seems the sort to leave you hanging without financial support while you are on maternity leave.

No worries,you really don’t need to apologise.I will take it like a man😉
Like Your drive and determination I don’t underestimate it esp as a single parent

I’m ignoring everything else and focusing just on that he said ge would give you 1k and then DENIED ever saying it and wondering if he is gaslighting you? Does he say things often ane then deny them? Make out like you’re making things up. Thats the thing that jumped out most to me.

yes, as a partner he should WANT to help but he has no obligation to