Boyfriend being stingy with money but used OF

[PinkBlossom92]

I (31) have been living with my boyfriend (43) for a year, had a bad car accident in October and had to buy a new car which I wasnt planning on doing this year, due to the high outgoings from buying a new house etc.
My dad in the end said he will pay the car off upfront (8k) and I can take a loan out and pay him back, so I don't get hit with high Apr from HP and i gave my dad 2k from my savings so the loan wouldn't be as big.

When my partner and I sat down to look through loans, he said he will let me 'borrow' 2.5k from him and pay it back to him over 18 months so that I don't have to take out such a big loan. I was a bit shocked if I'm honest. I said to him, when we spoke about me getting the car, you said you would GIVE me a grand toward it so I didn't have to clear my savings (the 2k). He denied this and I got pretty angry. I said you had no problem paying for your ex to be off work for a year after she got fired and then gave her 4k for house furniture when you split up and paid OF girls in 2020-2022 AND gave another woman huge amounts of money, who was basically scamming him for 5 years - but we have a mortgage together and are rasing my son together and yet you can't even help me with some money toward a car I need to have? I said I'm not taking a 'loan' off you, I'd rather a bank as that's insulting to be 'in debt' to the person I apparently have a life with.

I have a son that my partner doesn't pay toward eg after school clubs, clothing, shoes, activities or days out for us as a family, as I use child maintenance for this. My partner pays the majority of the niggly bills like tv licence, house insurance, internet due to not paying toward my sons expenses but I pay my share of the mortgage and the other bills like gas and electric.
I feel like a bit of a mug tbh, living with a bloke that spends money on other women but not me. It's embarrassing. I'm wondering if I maybe over reacted or if I'm within my rights to ask for him to help.
info: he’s on 50k I’m on 29k

why should men financially help you out?why aren’t you sorting yourself?dependency isn’t attractive

Couples are supposed to support each other so why would he want me scratching around with no money?

Probably because you sound obsessed with money. You said you've only been together a year yet your expecting him to have your back financially in the same way I would expect for a couple who had been together 10+ years with kids together etc. He is 43 so a one year relationship to decades of dating is really short. You've described how he has lost money to ex girlfriends and probably doesn't want history to repeat itself with you.

Yeah it’s become a bit of shit show tbf! I wrongly assumed people would have a bit more interest in your point of partners wanting to help each other out! Ah well. I know my feeling toward it either way so f it. X

@CalmDuck just mothers yeah?

Respect = money?

Girl we’ve been together NINE YEARS. We only just moved in together. So yeah, I expect a lot more than that from him or any man for that matter

Yeah he's not a good one, and too big an age gap. You deserve a nice man your own age who likes things more equal in a relationship.

Good one.

Respect in a relationship isn’t embedded in finances. Respect isn’t a transaction
You’re equating finances with respect. If he gives you money.pays for things he respects you? NO

Ah sorry misread that but kind of makes it worse as I assumed you weren't together for the onlyfans dates. Makes me think you've not really been 'together' for 9years in the sense of a serious commited relationship.

So you were with him when he was using Only Fans from 2020 to 2022?
Why?

And this is why women end up being financially abused. Because they fall over themselves and bend over backwards to prove they arent materialistic And its funny how men have happily got on board with the part of feminism that benefits them financially. 50/50 on childcare and housework? Not so much. You only have to look at the stats
And weirdly the so called feminists on here have side stepped the bit about only fans!

Put your child first and ditch this loser? What else is there to say?

I was on the shared tablet and he was signed in to his emails, I found the historic emails for his subscriptions to OF. It was actually extremely traumatic as I saw the emails in Feb and we bought the house in December. I felt very stuck morally as I couldn’t just move out. It was a very very awful time for me

Financial abuse arises from a power dynamic, expecting men to pay or depending on male finances puts women in vulnerable positions . Let’s not blame feminism for the unwise expectation that men should financially support women

Not really. Men used to beat their wives and marital rape was legal.

I can understand him not wanting to just give you the money for a car. He's been soft in the past and ultimately it's his money to do what he wants with, including OF. You're not entitled to it, and you sound like you think you should be. If you're prepared to borrow the money anyway, I can't see any benefit to him just to give it to you.

His attitude could also reveal where his priorities lie. It's impossible to see the whole picture from one thread. If he gives freely to everyone except you, that might be a reflection of his (lack of) commitment to you. But then, if you're grabby like you're coming across, I can sort of see why he'd be like that...

I suppose your best option now is to extract yourself and your child from this relationship as soon as you can.

It was a weird relationship before we bought the house. I had my place he had his and I was fiercely independent and didn’t want to just move in with anybody esp as my son was so young. It took a while for me to get the courage up to buy a house with him. I found the OF emails when we had just bought the house. It was not a great time

Financial abuse arises from a power dynamic, expecting men to pay or depending on male finances puts women in vulnerable positions . Let’s not blame feminism for the unwise expectation that men should financially support women

Why did you choose to keep dating the man after he paid sex workers for services?
Can you sell the house and free yourself of the sleazebag?
Edit: cross posted.

It's fine to write this off as a bad choice and regain your independence and a home for your son free of some pervy bloke.

How is paying your own way financial abuse?

My sister and I were taught to never, ever, rely on a man for anything. Certainly not for money.

I wouldn’t be with someone who used OF, but then I also wouldn’t wait 9 years to move in with someone, I do expect the household workload to be shared, and I will not be “kept” in anyway.

If we want equality, that means (IMO) paying your own way, and everyone doing their fair share of everything a life and relationship involves.

I said you had no problem paying for your ex to be off work for a year after she got fired and then gave her 4k for house furniture when you split up and paid OF girls in 2020-2022 AND gave another woman huge amounts of money, who was basically scamming him for 5 years

So you’ve been together 9 years, so the OF stuff happened whilst you were together, that’s really shitty for you.
The woman who was scamming him for 5 years- was that before you or also whilst you’ve been together?

I don’t really think you can use the stuff with his ex against him though. That was clearly a long time ago. It’s irritating that he offered to give you the money and now he’s saying he’ll just loan it, but I don’t think you can be that mad about it, it is his money after all.

Sorry to hear that but surely this betrayal along with him not offering to help you out financially are red flags to show you he will always put himself first. I know you've got a mortgage so it's not as simple as just leave now but I do think you should be looking at an exit strategy. I say save all the money you can and leave the cheat.