Boyfriend being stingy with money but used OF

[PinkBlossom92]

I (31) have been living with my boyfriend (43) for a year, had a bad car accident in October and had to buy a new car which I wasnt planning on doing this year, due to the high outgoings from buying a new house etc.
My dad in the end said he will pay the car off upfront (8k) and I can take a loan out and pay him back, so I don't get hit with high Apr from HP and i gave my dad 2k from my savings so the loan wouldn't be as big.

When my partner and I sat down to look through loans, he said he will let me 'borrow' 2.5k from him and pay it back to him over 18 months so that I don't have to take out such a big loan. I was a bit shocked if I'm honest. I said to him, when we spoke about me getting the car, you said you would GIVE me a grand toward it so I didn't have to clear my savings (the 2k). He denied this and I got pretty angry. I said you had no problem paying for your ex to be off work for a year after she got fired and then gave her 4k for house furniture when you split up and paid OF girls in 2020-2022 AND gave another woman huge amounts of money, who was basically scamming him for 5 years - but we have a mortgage together and are rasing my son together and yet you can't even help me with some money toward a car I need to have? I said I'm not taking a 'loan' off you, I'd rather a bank as that's insulting to be 'in debt' to the person I apparently have a life with.

I have a son that my partner doesn't pay toward eg after school clubs, clothing, shoes, activities or days out for us as a family, as I use child maintenance for this. My partner pays the majority of the niggly bills like tv licence, house insurance, internet due to not paying toward my sons expenses but I pay my share of the mortgage and the other bills like gas and electric.
I feel like a bit of a mug tbh, living with a bloke that spends money on other women but not me. It's embarrassing. I'm wondering if I maybe over reacted or if I'm within my rights to ask for him to help.
info: he’s on 50k I’m on 29k

I think she said they split the mortgage

Thank you for taking the time to write out a thoughtful comment that is non bias. It’s refreshing.
I completely understand that he does not have to do anything with HIS money. I feel upset he offered it then rescinded it as it makes me wonder why he doesn’t trust me when we have a mortgage and child etc.

I know he’s been burnt giving money but I am not those women, I’m his life partner so it’s insulting to look at it like that. Genuinely I am not grabby, I lived on benefits with my son for 6 years whilst I did my uni degree in a council house and saved every penny for this house we now live in. I went without and never asked him for help during those times I really really needed it prior to buying the house.

Genuine question, how did you go from fierce independent to expectation? Why do you associate respect with how he spend his money?

Sure babe

I was burnt being married to my son’s father he was very cruel and controlling, so I became very independent so I didn’t have to be controlled by a man again. I don’t associate money with respect, I associate money with trust. And I feel him not helping me, especially as I don’t ever ask for help, is him saying he doesn’t see a future together tbh

Thousands of pounds is a bit more than just ‘help’ though?

£400 left is not ' scratching around with no money? '

and of course you are paying for YOUR child's expenses,
having read many threads on MN you could think yourself lucky you get the maintenance that allows you to pay for all this for your son - it seems lots of fathers try to pay as little as possible.

The woman who was love scamming him was about 5 years before we met thankfully. But he was open about it and I know he’s was hurt. I shouldn’t have used those things against him, but I feel saddened that I’m not enough for him to want to help ME out like he did other women. That’s all rly

Clearly you’ve overcame obstacles,got your degree, and been driven. Impressive!
Get your previous spark back and take time to understand that spending money doesn’t equal trust or respect. It really doesn’t

Tbh £50k isn’t a very big salary these days, certainly not the sort of salary that leaves loads of disposable income after paying the lions share of mortgage and bills so it’s not like he’s rolling in it and refusing to help, which would be different imo. If your dad isn’t in a position to let you pay the full amount back to him in monthly instalments then you’ll just have to take a loan for the full whack.

Totally valid feelings. I would feel the same about questioning if my partner saw a long term future with me if he was like that with money for a one off incident.

I wasnt blaming feminism I was pointing out that women are made to feel like they should bend over backwards to prove they are not gold diggers.

MN £50k isnt a huge salary
Also MN a raise in the minimum wage will damage the economy

Girl you are so weird and I’m wondering if you’re projecting. If you kept up with the thread, you’d see that I didn’t move in with some bloke I just met, I waited, I did my degree, I got a job and then promoted in the space of three years in the field I studied for and saved for years to get a house in a decent area where my son can go to a good school and have fields behind the house to play in. My son is the whole reason I do anything at any point in my LIFE. So just reel your neck in and learn to read

That’s not what you said though

and ' or if I'm within my rights to ask for him to help.'

you have no ' rights ' you are not married.

Why shouldn't she share the mortgage as she's living there?

My son’s father hasn’t seen him since he was one and has blocked my number. I had to take him to court to get 250£ a month from him so calm down love

"Partner gave exes money, I want AT LEAST that amount myself."

i will remember that next time i see a post on the Relatioships board from someone whose DH hasnt got her a Christmas present or birthday present/card
No wonder some men are laughing Bet they cant believe their luck