I NEED MARITAL ADVICE PLEASE

[vecie]

I really need advice regarding my spouse, as we’ve been having constant and unresolved conflicts. I’ve tried my best to address these issues by talking to her, but nothing seems to work. I’ve suggested everything from counseling to involving family members, but she refuses.
She gets angry with me over the smallest things, and it feels like no matter what I do, it’s never right. What hurts the most is that she has started accusing me of things I would never do—things she knows deep down are not true. Whenever we have even the slightest disagreement over the phone, she hangs up on me. Most of the time, she won’t answer my calls or call me back. Even when I bring up this behavior, she flares up and denies any missed calls, despite the missed calls being clearly logged on her phone.
She always say she is busy when I call, even when she picks, there will be so much noise, cracking of utensils, and all those sorts. Each time I will tell her to call me anytime of the day that she is free, she usually says there is never a time that she is free, if I am not able to talk , I should hang up. If I call at night, she does not pick and never return my calla, if I call during she is always in hurry to drop the either, she wants to get some sleep , or there is always something that she needs to attend to.
I’ve reached out to her mom and uncle—who are the only family members that have access to her —but nothing has improved. This has been going on for years, and instead of getting better, it’s only becoming worse. I feel completely drained and unsure of what to do.
Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Last week, I tried to have a talk with her and try to let her see how the marital disharmony is impacting negatively on everyone of us, including the kids. When I finished speaking, she simply did not utter a word. I waited and waited, and I tried to encourage her to say something. She later said if I had finished what I was saying, that she had other things to do and that she had a headache. And that was all

Your wife seems very angry and resentful and I highly doubt it doesn't have a cause.

From what you say, she has completely disengaged from the relationship. It sounds as though she's had enough and no longer wants to work on things.

I'm guessing that she's tried speaking to you about her concerns but nothing's changed so she doesn't see the point.

If it's not the usual issues such as lack of contribution to running the home and caring for your children, it's because something has happened she can't get over eg affair.

Do you live separately? I'm wondering why you're trying to conduct so much by telephone. I don't have time in the day usually for phone chats.

What do her mum and uncle say?

I would separate

You can't heal problems without communication.
She doesn't seem interested in communicating.
Nothing you've said gives a clue why, if you don't know why you could start there and see if you can find out then you'll know if it's something you can make better or not.
If not I can't see the relationship surviving as it is.

Stop communicating via the phone.
Put the phone in a box once you are home.
Engage with your wife politely and warmly about every day things for a good month before you start launching into sensitive and tricky questions about why this and why that.
Just try to behave in a noticably nice way, expecting nothing in return.

Chances are, you might receive something in return...
She might accept an offer to go away for a romantic weekend or an offer to go for an evening stroll, a lunch time coffee, a movie night in with popcorn.

Do more for your household.
Dress one of the kids each morning, makeschool lunches, pick up and drop off kids for hobbies, cook and clean up after yourself etc etc.

Are you actually married and in the same country?

I'm guessing you're from a culture where divorce would be very frowned upon, because most people I know in the UK would end a marriage if one person was behaving like this. As you say, it's having an impact on your children.

For some reason your wife does not want to communicate with you. Do you have any idea why this might be? You seem to be trying to have a lot of phone calls with her - are you away a lot?

The marriage is over, she’s just coasting.

She's given up.
What have her issues with you been in the past?

That’s a lot of going on about phone calls! Why are you calling her so much? Are they important phone calls - what do you need to speak to her about?

How old are your children, and who is working and who is doing housework and childcare? Do you have any insight into why your wife might feel stressed, unhappy, resentful?

She wants you to divorce her so that she can look like the victim.

How on earth have you put up with this for years? It’s cruel abusive behaviour called stonewalling.

Rather than focusing on what she is doing, try focusing on what you are doing and see if that helps.

Are you doing 50% of the work of running the home without being asked, without expecting thanks. Really really think about this - statistically a lot more women report unequal labour division than men do.

Are you doing 50% of the work of raising your children? (Or if your wife is a sahm and you work - 50% outside of working hours). Are you just doing fun jobs like playing/sports clubs/parties? Or are you doing 50%of organising new clothes / thinking about meals / supporting homework / dealing with school or medical admin?

Are you being a friend to your wife? Asking how her day went? Thinking about her feelings? Listening to her? You say she gets angry with you over small things. Have you changed the small things she is getting angry about so that they don’t happen anymore?

Oh, and last point, your wife is telling you loud and clear that she doesn’t want phone calls. Stop ringing her.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

What's the backstory?

Why are you trying to talk on the phone, especially at night, that is not a recipe for a successful relationship. You need to talk face to face, in person. If you are never at home then there is your answer.

Yes that behaviour would suggest the relationship is done, time to move on. Sorry to sound harsh x

Gosh, women are awful, aren't they?

@vecie so over 7 hours since original post and op has not come back?????

Seems rather a lot of communication via phone? Do you work away? The amount of phonecall communication makes it sound as if you barely live together. How many DC's do you have, how old and is she the one doing it all at home without you being there much.
Overall, sounds like she has disengaged, and that has made you beg for attention with calls day and night. I'd be enclined to stop trying to communicate with her given the short shrift you get when you try. See how she reacts to no communication, hold out, and find out if given long enough, she starts to wonder. You only get different results by changing tactics. If being left alone is what she wants, do that for a while.

But she also does this with her family members. like I said she only barely maintains contact with just her mum and uncle, and they are very careful around her because several times in the past she stopped talking to them, and for her siblings and other uncles and aunt, she stopped talking to them and never resumed for years now. The origin is that when ever she has arguments with them, that will be it, the issue never gets resolved and they stay in non - talking terms. There is no cheating at all, if there is anything remotely close that I am sure she would have longed walked away. It is okay for her to keep questioning me about everything, but she does anything she likes. It is that simple

well she has not said anything happpened

Are you living in the same house?
Are you both women?

I'd give up and end the relationship.

It is exhausting to live like that.

Do you think you still love one another?
How old are your children?

So many questions.
So many phone calls.

Well I can see a lot of people talking about phone calls, we live together, while home, each time I try to talk to her, she says she is busy, or she may be on face book and stuff like that and tell me to say what ever I want to say and that she listens with her ears and not her hands. it is just that in the last three weeks, I have long hours, and so when I come back by 7 pm she says she cant talk, that if I have anything to say I should be calling her during the day. Even lastly when she has something she must communicates , she drops voice note and never want to engage in any discussion.
Moreover this started years years ago, it is just that it getting worse and worse and worse
Furthermore, this behaviour is not just only to me, it is about her entire family.
As we speak she only speaks with her uncle and mum, and this is after several quarrels and refusal to talk and resolutions. for the rest family members, they all stopped communicating with each other because after any misunderstanding, the issues are never resolved.
So it is not just only about me.