I NEED MARITAL ADVICE PLEASE

[vecie]

I really need advice regarding my spouse, as we’ve been having constant and unresolved conflicts. I’ve tried my best to address these issues by talking to her, but nothing seems to work. I’ve suggested everything from counseling to involving family members, but she refuses.
She gets angry with me over the smallest things, and it feels like no matter what I do, it’s never right. What hurts the most is that she has started accusing me of things I would never do—things she knows deep down are not true. Whenever we have even the slightest disagreement over the phone, she hangs up on me. Most of the time, she won’t answer my calls or call me back. Even when I bring up this behavior, she flares up and denies any missed calls, despite the missed calls being clearly logged on her phone.
She always say she is busy when I call, even when she picks, there will be so much noise, cracking of utensils, and all those sorts. Each time I will tell her to call me anytime of the day that she is free, she usually says there is never a time that she is free, if I am not able to talk , I should hang up. If I call at night, she does not pick and never return my calla, if I call during she is always in hurry to drop the either, she wants to get some sleep , or there is always something that she needs to attend to.
I’ve reached out to her mom and uncle—who are the only family members that have access to her —but nothing has improved. This has been going on for years, and instead of getting better, it’s only becoming worse. I feel completely drained and unsure of what to do.
Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Last week, I tried to have a talk with her and try to let her see how the marital disharmony is impacting negatively on everyone of us, including the kids. When I finished speaking, she simply did not utter a word. I waited and waited, and I tried to encourage her to say something. She later said if I had finished what I was saying, that she had other things to do and that she had a headache. And that was all

Christmas has come and gone, we are still were we are.
Thanks all

yes, thanks

Nothing has changed; everything remains exactly as it is. The children are now weary of the situation, and they can’t understand why their we she seems to harbor so much resentment towards everyone. They’ve been asking me why she rarely shows joy and instead focuses on criticizing everything they do. Even when they try to play or engage with her, it doesn’t seem to work.
I’m doing my best to hold everything together, but it’s exhausting. This feels like the breaking point for the entire issue. Ten years is a long time, and I think we’ve finally reached the end.

It does sound like you are flogging a dead donkey here.

All that energy you have can go into building the next chapter where the joy vacuum isn't caring a shadow over every day. You and the kids can build a happy home together.

For your children's sake you need to get them out of this abusive environment.

@vecie think you need to just take the kids and move away or just throw her out"

It sounds like it’s over. Have you asked her if she wishes to separate? As a child of parents who stayed together ‘for the kids’, I urge you not to do this. Separate and have 50-50 custody and life will eventually be much better for everyone. Sounds like your wife has been like she is most of her life. She sounds like my ex MIL, her family say she was the same way as a small child. She has alienated most people with her behaviour.

My main concern is whether it’s truly wise to ask for a divorce—it feels like playing right into her plans.

It seems as though this has been her intention all along, to manipulate the situation so that I’m the one who ends up being blamed for initiating the divorce. This is particularly frustrating coming from someone who has tested the very limits of my patience.

Even my birthday, which was just two days ago, highlights this ongoing pattern. For the past eight years, she has consistently "forgotten" my birthday, despite the fact that hers is just six weeks before mine, and we always make an effort to celebrate hers every year.

I remember vividly the first time this started happening. Two days after my birthday, she casually wished me a happy birthday without showing any remorse.

When I tried to express my feelings and suggested she could at least apologize for forgetting, she simply walked away. And that was it—no acknowledgment, no effort to make amends.

See a lawyer op. It sounds like the end of the road to me, and this situation isn’t good for any of you.

There is absolutely no point salvaging the shipwreck of your marriage.

put your energies into imagining a life free of someone who is stripping away your self-esteem and empowerment.

disengage, stop worrying about whether divorce plays into her hands, and focus on the prize, your future in a happy life without her in it.

she has boiled you like a frog so you can't tell what's normal in a relationship. Believe me, this is not normal and you don't have to endure it any more.

Don’t worry about being the one to initiate divorce. If you feel the need to have a justification for public-ish consumption up your sleeve then “[X] became impossible to live with so, we have to not live with her.” or something like “In the end I wasn’t making her happy, so I’ll clear the space and someone else can have a go. I do feel sad that I had to initiate the divorce but so be it”

She obviously doesn’t like you but can live with this disharmony. She is not going to initiate divorce, so you have to. Outside of the relationship no one actually cares who starts the process or why.

Op, I apologise if this has been dealt with already but are there cultural differences here?

OP you and the children deserve better. You’ve tried and it’s not been enough. You need to leave her to stew in her own bitterness and problems.
You are both grown adults but you have three children who need you to step up and give them a happy childhood. Can you do that? Can you become the main parent? For them. You will struggle with work and money but women do this every day for the sake of their children. Do not leave them with her. Let her sort herself out.

Oh and don’t worry about who initiates the divorce. Those that really matter will know why. Nobody else really cares.

Tell her she’s won. You’re divorcing her and seeking primary custody of the children.

This woman is vile and doesn’t care about anyone other than herself.
What does it matter if it’s “playing into her hands”
It is like she is enjoying making you miserable.
Make an appointment today. Get rid of her and move on with your life

Not at all, we are from the same culture to the tiniest bit. The best way I can put it is that we are from the same street in the same city.

My main concern is whether it’s truly wise to ask for a divorce—it feels like playing right into her plans.

Does it matter? You are miserable, she is miserable, the children are miserable. So what is she ‘wins’.

All the OP's posts are so weirdly written and worded, while refuting any cultural differences which could explain it.

Which leads me to... (I can't help thinking) this is an AI generated conundrum.

OP you mention that “10 years is a long time” - does this mean that she hasn’t been pleasant for 10 years? Are all the children yours, you said the eldest is 14?
I appreciate that you are both of the same culture, however as previously stated, your delivery isn’t typical of someone born & raised in the U.K. (not that it’s any of our business).
Does she have friends of her own? Does she work outside the home? If not she could be thoroughly bored, if not a little depressed. Has she anyone she could confide in? It does sound as though she has emotionally checked out, whether through her mental health, your behaviour towards her or something else entirely. If you cannot agree to counselling I can’t see a resolution to this situation.

UK?

The op does say that English isn’t his first language.

@TheDowagerCountessofPembroke The OP's comment on language was general, asking us to remember that English may not be everyone's mother tongue. So while it could be implied from that comment, he didn't actually say that English is not his mother tongue.

Quote:

No cultural connotations. Unusual way of communication ? remember English may not be everyone's mother tongue, and ,most of the things we write are direct translations from our dialect.

There is no need for this assumption, all I need is help and suggestions. I do not know why any one will generate all this stories via AI just exactly to achieve what ?
If their are specific weird sentences or weirdly worded words, Please, kindly point them out so that I can explain.
Perhaps it may not even be strange or weird to other contributors.
Nonetheless, thank you so much for your time.

@vecie Thank you for your reasoned response. Perhaps you could tell us whether or not English is your first language, and whether you live in the UK? That knowledge might generate more helpful advice.

Good morning every one