I NEED MARITAL ADVICE PLEASE

[vecie]

I really need advice regarding my spouse, as we’ve been having constant and unresolved conflicts. I’ve tried my best to address these issues by talking to her, but nothing seems to work. I’ve suggested everything from counseling to involving family members, but she refuses.
She gets angry with me over the smallest things, and it feels like no matter what I do, it’s never right. What hurts the most is that she has started accusing me of things I would never do—things she knows deep down are not true. Whenever we have even the slightest disagreement over the phone, she hangs up on me. Most of the time, she won’t answer my calls or call me back. Even when I bring up this behavior, she flares up and denies any missed calls, despite the missed calls being clearly logged on her phone.
She always say she is busy when I call, even when she picks, there will be so much noise, cracking of utensils, and all those sorts. Each time I will tell her to call me anytime of the day that she is free, she usually says there is never a time that she is free, if I am not able to talk , I should hang up. If I call at night, she does not pick and never return my calla, if I call during she is always in hurry to drop the either, she wants to get some sleep , or there is always something that she needs to attend to.
I’ve reached out to her mom and uncle—who are the only family members that have access to her —but nothing has improved. This has been going on for years, and instead of getting better, it’s only becoming worse. I feel completely drained and unsure of what to do.
Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Last week, I tried to have a talk with her and try to let her see how the marital disharmony is impacting negatively on everyone of us, including the kids. When I finished speaking, she simply did not utter a word. I waited and waited, and I tried to encourage her to say something. She later said if I had finished what I was saying, that she had other things to do and that she had a headache. And that was all

They dare not talk to her , she only communicates with them minimally

Hahahahaa😂yes we do, and we are not both women. Funny right ?

,6 11 , and 14. But she does not want to talk, I can not give any answer to that, for me, yes , if not I could have left, well,, may be I could still hang around for the children

That's not what I meant at all.
It's just that you seem to phone your wife a lot, so it was reasonable to suppose that you didn't live in the same house.

Good grief.

There is no affair. She is also like this with her family members. And generally with people, we have lost so many family friends, that simply stop coming to visit, they have become our friends from a long distance

Do you do half the housework and parenting?

Honestly it doesn’t sound like there is any marriage left to salvage here OP. Divorce her. You don’t need to “hang around for the children”, you’ll presumably be having them 50/50 after any divorce anyway?

Of course, much more than, that she has even look me to my face and tell me that I am just over doing any thing I am doing for optics. She can be mean though

She is a very deeply unpleasant woman and likes having this power over you - you need to change your responses to her - she is unpleasant and unreasonable- SHE WILL NOT CHANGE - why are you still there with her? Your poor children - you can go to therapy by yourself and do not discuss it with her - she is the issue here - stop chasing her - become disinterested - Google grey rock - protect your children if you can - she is a very damaged woman.

From what you've said it sounds like:

1. She's unhappy generally, not just with you
2. She doesn't particularly like you anymore
3. She's not interested in communicating, which is the first step to improving the marriage

Obviously a lot of posters here are trying to read between the lines and guess why she's so unhappy. Whether or not she's justified in being so disengaged from the marriage, it doesn't sound like there's anything to salvage. Once one side feels contempt in a relationship, the love is gone.

OP my advice to you is to give her an ultimatum. Tell her you'd like to work things out but if she refuses to communicate, you're going to leave.

If she refuses to talk to you, there's little you can do.

Optics? Anyway i just knew you'd be a man when i saw the thread title. Why don't you split up, you don't seem to like each other much.

I agree.
For whatever reason, she doesn't respect you.
She may be justified. She may not. None of us can judge, from what you've said.

If there is no communication, the marriage is over.

Can you afford to move out?
Will you be able to care for your children 50/50 if you leave?

This is good advice

Yes I agree.
But op should seek legal advice first about how to protect himself and his access to children if he does leave

She's checked out of the relationship x

This is also her attitude towards her family and friends.
Moreover, I have narrated all I have done to bring a foreclosure to the issues.

But I also said she suggested the calls, just some weeks ago. She suggested that as a means of communication

You are not bullying him.
I would say it is the reverse.
I have endometriosis, other health conditions, and also have to do the antibiotic thing. When I met my DP he questioned why. He didn’t really get it. He would see the state I was in after taking them.
I have now withdrawn completely physically as it just made me feel awful. I don’t get any requests or pressure. But he says withdrawing from him is abuse.
And that upsets me.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

Sorry posted in the wrong thread!

Does she get irritable
poor sleep?
hypercritical?

could she have ocd traits

If she has always been like this I can’t imagine that she will change, you can make changes. She has behaved poorly towards you, you said she can be mean, don’t live like this. Withdraw, stop tying yourself in knots to get something back. See what happens. How is she is the DC? In the New Year think about what you want from life, are your children happy? Would you be happier apart?

I have a sibling similar. I’ve armchair diagnosed Autism with avoidant behaviour or borderline personality disorder, however a label changes nothing, she just awful to be around and awful towards her family.

She sounds like my Dsis. Also won't talk about problems so they remain unresolved. I've got as far as working out that its a sign of trauma, fragility, and i'm trying to be humble in the face of all that I don't understand about her. But the consequences are hard to live with.

I'm LC with my sis and I'm waiting for her to challenge me directly on this - we used to be so close - so I can say 'I need to talk. You don't have to talk, but that's what I need.'

I don't know - can you respond in kind and withdraw from her? Very hard in a marriage.

Then kind of wait for a situation where she cannot ignore the implication. where you can say your piece.

very irritable, good sleep, xtremely critical of everyone and every thing, that is one reason that we lost most of our friends, they now relate with us from a distance