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Original poster

11 Day Silent Treatment Followed by a Return: Advice Wanted

116 replies

Hummingbird22 · 03/12/2024 22:25

Hi everyone, I would really like your input on a situation, but first here’s some context. I’ve been with someone exclusively (he’s almost 40) for about a year and a half. He said that he really wants a serious relationship and to be with one woman forever, but that EVERY woman he was with cheated on him and left him. For the past few months I’ve noticed a big change - he has been cold, distant, less communicative and extremely secretive. He stopped asking to see me altogether. Prior to this in the summer, his only idea of a “date” was that I drive to him to sit in his house or play tag along to something he already made plans to do without me rather than plan something together.

Any time an issue arises, he falls into a silent treatment which can last for days and will not contact me or initiate any repairs. It always has to be me to initiate repairs. It started getting so toxic that he’s tried to break up with me 3 times during minor arguments when I tried to hold him accountable for things and has been extremely rude. He has denied he’s giving the silent treatment and said he’s just not talking because he “thought we agreed it’s not working” or he “doesn’t want to bother me if I don’t want to talk to him” or accuses me of not being interested in him. This is gaslighting as none of those things were ever said. He also says I’m just “trying to argue” when I bring up an issue to try to resolve something that has happened or that bothers me. He never apologized for anything once.

Lately, he was constantly making plans with male friends but constantly blamed me as to why we don’t see each other when he never asks and is always unavailable. He planned an entire trip for one week overseas behind my back and did not tell me until less than one week before. While he was on the trip, he was online often and did not contact me once. He didn’t want to tell me who he went with (presumably a friend again) or what he even did on the trip. The secrets got so ridiculous that he didn’t even want to tell me he went to a concert when he got home. He’s been making plans without me and keeping me completely in the dark about EVERYTHING. I honestly feel like he’s been living an entire secret life.

I confronted him about the constant secretive behaviour and me being left in the dark about pretty much everything and he completely ignored me/did not respond, withdrew himself and did not contact me at all for 11 days - full on silent treatment. I considered the relationship to be over because he disappeared with no contact. In this time, he’s been non-stop hanging out with his married buddies making videos of themselves and planning for their musical show (which he also didn’t want to tell me about or invite me to). I did not chase him or message him during this silent treatment as enough is enough of the bs. On day 12 it was my birthday and he sent me a message early in the morning wishing me a happy birthday like nothing happened and he didn’t apologize for giving an almost 2 week silent treatment/ghosting me. He has not said anything since.

My question is, should I write him a message to say it’s over, or just don’t contact him ever again and go no contact? I don’t know if anyone has seen something like this before but it’s not normal behaviour to me.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 04/12/2024 16:35

I hope that Dear John is on its way. What an absolute shit.

SpryCat · 04/12/2024 16:38

No messages explaining yourself Op he will try to work his way back and and then lets the game begin again.

Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 04/12/2024 17:02

SpryCat · 04/12/2024 16:34

It’s all a game to him, he gave you crumbs, made out women treat him badly and that he’s after the love of a good woman, pushes you away, ignores you but made sure you could see pics on social media of him having fun and then would get off on you still wanting his attention. If you don’t get in touch in his 11 days of ignoring you he has to get in touch to check you’re still interested and the cycle begins again. If he finds you don’t go running after him and you’re angry at his treatment he will act sad, tell you he was considering a future with you because of his strong feelings for you blah blah blah to get you hooked again and the cycle begins again. He probably has a collection of woman he can toy with when he is ignoring you/them or get rebuffed so he has a constant supply to feed his ego as in his eyes he is the dogs bollocks and women letting him treat them so badly but still hopeful confirms it for him.

Edited

To add to his sympathy symphony past history with women, even up until recently he said that ALL women screwed him over. He refuses to self-reflect. The therapist thinks the same thing played out with the ex’s most likely in different variations. He’s acting like the perpetual victim.

He did the same thing he did during the 11 day silent treatment on his trip with his mates - he was online ignoring me and posting pictures online and did not reach out once.

I didn’t go running after him, which is why he disappeared for so long this time and he magically appeared on day 12 looking for attention on my birthday - the audacity! The fact he came back after not contacting me in 11 days was a sign he knew exactly what he was doing.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 04/12/2024 17:05

doneandone · 03/12/2024 22:29

Definitely not normal at all. He's an arsehole.
I wouldn't bother messaging, just block and move on.

This. just block him. Don't waste your time engaging on any level with him.

Teacherprebaby · 04/12/2024 17:06

Hummingbird22 · 03/12/2024 22:25

Hi everyone, I would really like your input on a situation, but first here’s some context. I’ve been with someone exclusively (he’s almost 40) for about a year and a half. He said that he really wants a serious relationship and to be with one woman forever, but that EVERY woman he was with cheated on him and left him. For the past few months I’ve noticed a big change - he has been cold, distant, less communicative and extremely secretive. He stopped asking to see me altogether. Prior to this in the summer, his only idea of a “date” was that I drive to him to sit in his house or play tag along to something he already made plans to do without me rather than plan something together.

Any time an issue arises, he falls into a silent treatment which can last for days and will not contact me or initiate any repairs. It always has to be me to initiate repairs. It started getting so toxic that he’s tried to break up with me 3 times during minor arguments when I tried to hold him accountable for things and has been extremely rude. He has denied he’s giving the silent treatment and said he’s just not talking because he “thought we agreed it’s not working” or he “doesn’t want to bother me if I don’t want to talk to him” or accuses me of not being interested in him. This is gaslighting as none of those things were ever said. He also says I’m just “trying to argue” when I bring up an issue to try to resolve something that has happened or that bothers me. He never apologized for anything once.

Lately, he was constantly making plans with male friends but constantly blamed me as to why we don’t see each other when he never asks and is always unavailable. He planned an entire trip for one week overseas behind my back and did not tell me until less than one week before. While he was on the trip, he was online often and did not contact me once. He didn’t want to tell me who he went with (presumably a friend again) or what he even did on the trip. The secrets got so ridiculous that he didn’t even want to tell me he went to a concert when he got home. He’s been making plans without me and keeping me completely in the dark about EVERYTHING. I honestly feel like he’s been living an entire secret life.

I confronted him about the constant secretive behaviour and me being left in the dark about pretty much everything and he completely ignored me/did not respond, withdrew himself and did not contact me at all for 11 days - full on silent treatment. I considered the relationship to be over because he disappeared with no contact. In this time, he’s been non-stop hanging out with his married buddies making videos of themselves and planning for their musical show (which he also didn’t want to tell me about or invite me to). I did not chase him or message him during this silent treatment as enough is enough of the bs. On day 12 it was my birthday and he sent me a message early in the morning wishing me a happy birthday like nothing happened and he didn’t apologize for giving an almost 2 week silent treatment/ghosting me. He has not said anything since.

My question is, should I write him a message to say it’s over, or just don’t contact him ever again and go no contact? I don’t know if anyone has seen something like this before but it’s not normal behaviour to me.

How are you questioning this and how did you not leave already????

Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 04/12/2024 18:36

Sassybooklover · 04/12/2024 16:09

I think it's plainly obvious that he's lost interest. He's a coward for not just being honest and saying 'this is not working for me, we need to end our relationship'. He's making plans without you, going away without you, being secretive and giving you the silent treatment. This relationship is over. I wouldn't be contacting him, to be honest. He's not worth the bother, time or energy.

When I confronted him about the secrets, I flat out told him I think he’s doing it on purpose so that I take the hint and see he doesn’t care about me.

I could not understand the secretive behaviour. Either I was being told things last minute or not at all. It was just too much. Maybe someone else has dealt with secretive behaviour such as this but I couldn’t understand why it was happening constantly.

He was making plans with his mates and trying to gaslight me into thinking I “had my chance” in the summer and I that I can’t say anything because now he wants to do what he wants to do. When you’re in a relationship, your partner should be your priority not your mates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 13:02

Zanatdy · 04/12/2024 07:07

My ex once didn’t speak to me for 6wks. We lived in the same house and had kids. I couldn’t live like that.

Yes what I noticed is the silent treatments would get longer. Also, if I didn’t intervene and try to get him to talk he would not try to talk to me at all.

OP posts:
Semiramide · 05/12/2024 13:19

Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 13:02

Yes what I noticed is the silent treatments would get longer. Also, if I didn’t intervene and try to get him to talk he would not try to talk to me at all.

Show quote history

What is worrying is that you allowed him to treat you with such utter disrespect for so long, and the amount of headspace you are still giving him. Just read back all your posts on this thread. Why are you doing this to yourself?!!

Can you do whatever it takes to boost your self esteem. Here are a couple of starting points:

  • Women Who Love Too Much
  • The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
JFDIYOLO · 05/12/2024 13:42

You do realise he has in effect dumped you and you're a convenient extra when he remembers you exist?

Time to stop the why-does-he how-could-he agonising.

It's because that's what he's like.

Time for some self respect, OP.

daisychain01 · 05/12/2024 13:55

Be prepared for him to hoover you back in. He loves the thrill of the chase. These toxic types love playing cat and mouse.

Stay strong, he's not worth a moment's thought.

Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 14:05

daisychain01 · 05/12/2024 13:55

Be prepared for him to hoover you back in. He loves the thrill of the chase. These toxic types love playing cat and mouse.

Stay strong, he's not worth a moment's thought.

Would the Happy Birthday message from him have counted as him trying to Hoover/circle back?

OP posts:
Zucker · 05/12/2024 14:15

Have you blocked him yet?

JFDIYOLO · 05/12/2024 14:25

Yes, the Happy Birthday was definitely him switching the hoover on. Because he knew it would trigger the desired effect - have you thinking about him and agonising over him. Unsettled and anxious for any sign of approval or interest.

Here's an interesting article on narcissistic hoovering - does it ring a bell for you?

It covers a LOT of what you've talked about in your posts.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-hoovering-signs-how-to-respond.html

getsomehelp · 05/12/2024 14:33

The reply should be short. On the lines of
"Oh do Fuck off you insufferable prick"

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 05/12/2024 14:53

I’d leave him on read and ignore forever more.

I had this in the past and one day I had enough and up and left him. He was in his words blindsided and shocked. like hell he knew what he was doing and it didn’t work on me. Sadly he found someone else to take the piss out of and he married her the poor love.

Arlanymor · 05/12/2024 14:58

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 05/12/2024 14:53

I’d leave him on read and ignore forever more.

I had this in the past and one day I had enough and up and left him. He was in his words blindsided and shocked. like hell he knew what he was doing and it didn’t work on me. Sadly he found someone else to take the piss out of and he married her the poor love.

Totally agree to ignore forevermore. He's shown his true colours OP, please believe him and let this one go.

@Sevenwondersofthewoo very glad you saw the light!

Gettingbysomehow · 05/12/2024 15:12

This is incredibly abusive behaviour - textbook. This is why his relationships haven't lasted.
This type of behaviour is outlined in the book about abusers, "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. If it doubt read this book.

Catoo · 05/12/2024 15:31

Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 14:05

Would the Happy Birthday message from him have counted as him trying to Hoover/circle back?

Show quote history

It was a low effort tactic to see if you were still dangling on a string.

He just wants to know if he could have you back when ever he likes - knowing you will read too much into him messaging you on your birthday and probably reply with thanks.

Ignore. Or even better just block the arsehole.

Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 16:08

JFDIYOLO · 05/12/2024 14:25

Yes, the Happy Birthday was definitely him switching the hoover on. Because he knew it would trigger the desired effect - have you thinking about him and agonising over him. Unsettled and anxious for any sign of approval or interest.

Here's an interesting article on narcissistic hoovering - does it ring a bell for you?

It covers a LOT of what you've talked about in your posts.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-hoovering-signs-how-to-respond.html

Edited

This definitely rings a bell! I think I threw him for a loop this time by not chasing after him trying to talk when he fell silent on me and stonewalled me during a confrontation. I was onto his game and realized the only reason we talked after disagreements no matter how in the wrong he was, was because I chased after him trying to break the silence. It can’t always be me trying to communicate and resolve conflicts and initiate repairs.

Looks like he wanted to ruin my birthday by getting me to think about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 16:17

Catoo · 05/12/2024 15:31

It was a low effort tactic to see if you were still dangling on a string.

He just wants to know if he could have you back when ever he likes - knowing you will read too much into him messaging you on your birthday and probably reply with thanks.

Ignore. Or even better just block the arsehole.

Show quote history

Very low effort! Someone who truly cared would not have vanished for almost 2 weeks - they would have tried to keep in contact and worked on a repair. I stopped trying to contact this monster the moment he stonewalled me during the confrontation and he no longer reached out.

I think you are onto something here - looks like he wants to play with his mates and get attention there and this was his way of putting me on the shelf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 16:26

Gettingbysomehow · 05/12/2024 15:12

This is incredibly abusive behaviour - textbook. This is why his relationships haven't lasted.
This type of behaviour is outlined in the book about abusers, "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. If it doubt read this book.

I agree. I think this is what happened to the other women and why they wound up with other men. However, he chooses to play the victim and say he was abandoned by everyone. He said one of his ex’s asked him for a break - I found that odd. She must have been seeing some unusual behaviours. He said if someone asks for a break it’s over for him and that he NEVER takes anyone back because once it is over it is over for him.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 05/12/2024 16:35

Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 16:08

This definitely rings a bell! I think I threw him for a loop this time by not chasing after him trying to talk when he fell silent on me and stonewalled me during a confrontation. I was onto his game and realized the only reason we talked after disagreements no matter how in the wrong he was, was because I chased after him trying to break the silence. It can’t always be me trying to communicate and resolve conflicts and initiate repairs.

Looks like he wanted to ruin my birthday by getting me to think about him.

Show quote history

Narcissists love ruining other people’s special occasions because it’s not all about them.

My friends narc ex kicked off on her sons 12th birthday because he wasn’t centre of her attention for one bloody day

Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 16:47

TwistedWonder · 05/12/2024 16:35

Narcissists love ruining other people’s special occasions because it’s not all about them.

My friends narc ex kicked off on her sons 12th birthday because he wasn’t centre of her attention for one bloody day

Show quote history

Interesting you say that because he tried to break up with me right before a holiday and disappeared right after rubbing his plans in my face! Then he tried to Hoover me during my birthday! Looks like he’s quite committed to making everything about himself and ruining special days.

It probably means these types of monsters will run amok during the upcoming holiday season!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 16:53

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 05/12/2024 14:53

I’d leave him on read and ignore forever more.

I had this in the past and one day I had enough and up and left him. He was in his words blindsided and shocked. like hell he knew what he was doing and it didn’t work on me. Sadly he found someone else to take the piss out of and he married her the poor love.

How long did you get the silent treatment? Was it when you confronted him about his behaviour?

OP posts:
Sevenwondersofthewoo · 05/12/2024 17:13

Hummingbird22 · 05/12/2024 16:53

How long did you get the silent treatment? Was it when you confronted him about his behaviour?

Show quote history

he ignored me for a week for the second time as I was doubting the first. Very new in really only 6 months but I wasn’t having it as we’re adults and adults communicate not ignore and yes it was over his behaviour which he denied. I then told him this isn’t working and finished it.