11 Day Silent Treatment Followed by a Return: Advice Wanted

[Hummingbird22]

Hi everyone, I would really like your input on a situation, but first here’s some context. I’ve been with someone exclusively (he’s almost 40) for about a year and a half. He said that he really wants a serious relationship and to be with one woman forever, but that EVERY woman he was with cheated on him and left him. For the past few months I’ve noticed a big change - he has been cold, distant, less communicative and extremely secretive. He stopped asking to see me altogether. Prior to this in the summer, his only idea of a “date” was that I drive to him to sit in his house or play tag along to something he already made plans to do without me rather than plan something together.

Any time an issue arises, he falls into a silent treatment which can last for days and will not contact me or initiate any repairs. It always has to be me to initiate repairs. It started getting so toxic that he’s tried to break up with me 3 times during minor arguments when I tried to hold him accountable for things and has been extremely rude. He has denied he’s giving the silent treatment and said he’s just not talking because he “thought we agreed it’s not working” or he “doesn’t want to bother me if I don’t want to talk to him” or accuses me of not being interested in him. This is gaslighting as none of those things were ever said. He also says I’m just “trying to argue” when I bring up an issue to try to resolve something that has happened or that bothers me. He never apologized for anything once.

Lately, he was constantly making plans with male friends but constantly blamed me as to why we don’t see each other when he never asks and is always unavailable. He planned an entire trip for one week overseas behind my back and did not tell me until less than one week before. While he was on the trip, he was online often and did not contact me once. He didn’t want to tell me who he went with (presumably a friend again) or what he even did on the trip. The secrets got so ridiculous that he didn’t even want to tell me he went to a concert when he got home. He’s been making plans without me and keeping me completely in the dark about EVERYTHING. I honestly feel like he’s been living an entire secret life.

I confronted him about the constant secretive behaviour and me being left in the dark about pretty much everything and he completely ignored me/did not respond, withdrew himself and did not contact me at all for 11 days - full on silent treatment. I considered the relationship to be over because he disappeared with no contact. In this time, he’s been non-stop hanging out with his married buddies making videos of themselves and planning for their musical show (which he also didn’t want to tell me about or invite me to). I did not chase him or message him during this silent treatment as enough is enough of the bs. On day 12 it was my birthday and he sent me a message early in the morning wishing me a happy birthday like nothing happened and he didn’t apologize for giving an almost 2 week silent treatment/ghosting me. He has not said anything since.

My question is, should I write him a message to say it’s over, or just don’t contact him ever again and go no contact? I don’t know if anyone has seen something like this before but it’s not normal behaviour to me.

My only thought is WHY you've put up with his behaviour for so long ?

Don't you think you're worth much more ?

The person he was in the end was not the same person from the beginning. The mask was off.

Well yes this - the mask is off.

I don’t believe for one second the tales of woe
about everyone cheating on him.
IME, when men make that claim it’s actually them who have done the cheating and they intend to continue doing so as he has probably done to you . Which would also explain his long absences.

I also think that was him pretending to be a victim and gaining sympathy in the hope that you would excuse his poor treatment of you.

That’s not to say women don’t cheat. My close guy friend who is lovely has been cheated on twice, but even he wouldn’t say “every woman” has cheated on him.

I agree with the therapist. He never cared and has just texted you to try and keep the door open for when he feels like coming back.

I’m glad you’ve seen the light. This one’s well and truly only fit for the discarded heap. I wish you well for when you meet someone worthy of you. All this is life experience, whether wanted or not. It’ll stand you in good stead next time regarding what you will expect or tolerate.

Oh OP... just ignore him... move on... this relationship has been over for a long time. Don't give him or his pathetic behaviour another thought. Just cut him out of your life and forget he ever existed.

Relationships require communication and conflict resolution and he wanted to do neither

Honestly the next time you see signs of a man unwilling to do the above - run.

The first time my now ex pulled the silent treatment on me after what was a minor argument I ended things. It was only 4 months into the relationship which had been going well, so it may seem extreme but it was a major dealbreaker and turn off for me.

He had refused to communicate with me and cancelled all our plans to meet that weekend because I raised something that bothered me which apparently “upset” him.

I tried reasoning with him telling him we could meet and talk but he refused. He needed to ignore me the whole weekend apparently.

His actions had the beginnings of DARVO and emotional abuse written all over it.

I contacted him within hours and said we were done which definitely took him by surprise. I was sad but I know I saved myself a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation by getting out immediately.

Good question. I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but what I realized here is that he wasn’t improving and it was getting much worse. That’s when I decided to stop pandering to him when he went silent and see if he was capable of resolving something for once.

During one of his rage outs he was so awful to me that he was saying that he doesn’t need anyone and has everything he needs and started talking about what he hopes his next woman will be like - essentially saying what he will look for next in a woman right to my face. I’ve never said anything like that to him. It was horrible.

when someone shows you who they are believe them.

He showed you who he really was at the beginning and you ignored it.

He continued his awful treatment of you and you ignored it,again.

Hopefully you'll not allow yourself to be treated badly again.

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking - every woman cheating was far fetched. I didn’t believe the pity plays one bit. There he was saying how all the women left him and then he tried to dump me three times for no reason! I was either going with he was cheating, or he was the one dumping all these women because he was emotionally dysregulated and childish so he had to spin the story and play the victim because as you saw from my original post - it is never his fault. He could never take accountability for anything. Judging by all the stupid things he kept a secret, I can only imagine what else he was keeping a secret.

The therapist also said that exact same thing as well - that he messaged me to try to keep one foot in the door. Yuck. As if anyone wants a selfish man child to return. He must think very highly of himself.

Yes something was shady as heck. He’s not partner material. Anyone who deals with arguments by sulking is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone.

The same thing was happening to me - if I brought up anything that bothered me he would invalidate me, try to say it wasn’t that bad, or gaslight me into thinking whatever happened was my fault. Eventually then he slipped into silent treatments because he could never be wrong and wanted to silence me. You should always be able to talk about something that bothers you and not sweep it under the rug - it’s unhealthy to keep carpet sweeping.

Another one of his last minute secrets was when he went to his best friend’s wedding alone and didn’t invite me and told me he was going only the day before. When I mentioned that it was odd - he tried to blame me for why I wasn’t invited and said that I should have been trying to get to know HIS friends (that’s not my responsibility). Like was I supposed to show up at their door and say please sir get to know me? Basically, the common theme was everything was my fault somehow.

How old are you both OP?

You've known him a matter of months and you're unhappy, unsettled and upset.

All. The. Time.

This isn't a relationship.

He isn't boyfriend material. And definitely not partner, husband or father material.

In fact, he seems a bit of a loon.

Start composing your 'end of relationship' message. Do it in writing because he doesn't seem capable of an adult conversation. Then block block block.

There's four billion of them on the planet. This one's a dud. Chuck him back and get yourself out there.

Why are you wasting your time with this bellend? Ditch him.

He sounds like a text book narcissist - the silent treatment and gaslighting. I'd say keep clear of this man because it will only get worse.

This is exactly what I was thinking as well, actually the therapist suggested that he sounds like a narcissist. It seemed like he was getting all his supply from his buddies for the time being so I got tossed aside. I genuinely had no clue who he was anymore at the end - it was scary.

He's an abusive idiot that you should block and never allow back into your life. Do you seriously want to be questioning what you have done every time he stonewalls you?

This reminds me of a complete narcissist I once fell for. He would block and ignore me for weeks whilst he was flirting/getting it on with other women. Once they infatuation had passed he would be contacting me and sending me flowers.

Men like this don't deserve women.

You’re right - the stonewalling always got me to question what I did wrong or if I said something the wrong way and then I realized I didn’t - I never swore at him or called him names or even yelled for that matter. All I did was try to discuss things like an adult and express when I was hurt. He didn’t want to hear anything or apologize because he said I was arguing. The silent treatment is inhumane and makes you feel terrible about yourself.

It came to mind that he could be cheating hence the disappearing acts but it seems that every disappearing act was linked to him being with his buddies obsessively 24/7. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for someone to have friends - people should have their lives outside of a relationship but this was OBSESSIVE. He would take days off of work to do things with his mates but when I said maybe he should take a day off while I’m off, he said he won’t do that for me and it’s weekends only.

Also, it appears he thinks he’s going to be famous or something with his show in a bar.

Good God OP.

Why are you giving this man headspace? He doesn't give a flying fuck about you and isn't even decent enough to be straight with you.

He's not your boyfriend and you're not in a relationship. I think blocking people is childish generally but for your own sanity, i would recommend it in this case.

Surely you can read between the lines. He wants you to dump him.

My ex once didn’t speak to me for 6wks. We lived in the same house and had kids. I couldn’t live like that.

Awful op he sounds controlling. Get rid. Will always be on his terms

He has behaved terribly. You owe him nothing.

So do what's right for you. If it would make you feel better to send him a message to say that it's over and to set out the reasons why, then send it. If you would prefer to just block him without saying anything, do that. Put yourself first.

And before you get into a relationship with anyone else, put some work in to build up your self esteem so that you don't feel that you have to put up with such shitty behaviour from anyone in the future. You deserve better.

He's an abusive, manipulative shit. Block and delete.

I'm going to point out the obvious, and I don't know why no one else has: the idea that all his previous partners cheated on him is an obvious lie. It's just something he told you, firstly as a headfuck so you would be compelled to "prove to him" that you are "different" and thus put up with more of his shit, secondly because he's the kind of misogynist who thinks any woman who leaves is cheating because no woman would leave for a reason other than dick.

Yeah it’s a common pattern in men like this. They prefer a surface level relationship that serves their needs and don’t really want to do the work to hear their partner out and reflect on their actions when there are issues. It shows a very fragile ego when they can’t deal with any level of perceived criticism. People like that are exhausting and selfish and often lacking in empathy.

It’s very telling that he clearly didn’t want you going to his best friends wedding when he probably had a plus one - or could’ve had if he asked for one. He told you last minute so you couldn’t have asked if you could go.

He is (most likely) a cheat with a victim mentality which is a toxic combination. He will tell himself and the next woman that you were the one who abandoned him and take zero accountability.

Let him know he does not have access to you anymore by breaking it off with him via text then blocking him on everything. Be very blunt and matter of fact about it.

Make sure you learn and heal from this so maybe next time you’re able to either avoid men like this early on or at least walk away quicker when you experience manipulation and disrespect.

I'm going to point out the obvious, and I don't know why no one else has: the idea that all his previous partners cheated on him is an obvious lie

@DreadPirateRobots Actually both myself and OP (and possibly others) pointed this out already.

Sounds a bit like by dd and her newly ex boyfriend. Except they are both 14, not 40.

This grown man operates like a teenager. Mates are the centre of his world, out for a good time, no empathy for others, blame others for problems.

I once read that about 20% of the adult population never emotionally mature beyond the age of 20. They spend their whole lives stunted at the late teen development stage. I suspect you found one of the 20%.