Husband wakes me up and doesn’t like my natural reaction

[TheFluentViewer]

My husband will wake me up sometimes, knowing how incredibly tired I was before I had fallen asleep because we have a newborn and it’s 5 or 6 am, but he’ll wake me up by coming to cuddle me or touch and play with my face as I’m sleeping and for some reason since I’m coming out of a deep sleep I react by pushing him away or hitting his hand and seeming angry and violent, when in reality I’m not even conscious and have no idea what’s going on or what I’m doing. The same thing happens every time. He gets upset and asks me over and over why I did that and lectures me on how I need to get rid of that spirit that naturally comes out when I’m sleeping and he comes to me being loving toward me. I don’t know why I do that and barely remember what even happened and so I don’t respond the way he wants me to and he gets pissed and angry at me and sleeps on the couch but will swipe anything and everything that’s on the couch onto the floor first even if there’s something that breaks on the floor when he does, and I have to clean it up later. (We’re in a very small studio/guest house right now.) I haven’t been able to figure out the reason why I react this way and feel guilty about it and like something is wrong with me. Could it be some type of past abuse that I’m instinctually acting on? I can’t put my finger on it. He says every other girl he’s ever been with reacts lovingly by hugging back or just being nice.
I let him know how tired I am and that I need to go to sleep cause I work the next day, but I just teach piano and not for very long hours, so he says I’m fine because he used to get 2-3 hours of sleep and work hard labor for 10-18 hours a day. I’ve just been a little more sleep deprived compared to usual because I take care of the baby throughout the night and have to wake up every 2-3 hours to pump or make a bottle and feed him. My worry is that I’ll be so tired that I sleep through my alarms and don’t make it to work on time, or that I’m so tired on the drive to work and am all over the road or fall asleep at the wheel and get in an accident. I know I can teach fine without any sleep I’ve been doing it so long and it wakes me up, it’s more just about getting there on time and safely.

Does he understand consent?

I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg, and he is abusive in a multitude of other ways as well. The fact that you don't want to raise it as "it won't go down well" is evidence of that.

Unfortunately until you are willing to face that, there isn't much anyone on here can do to advise you.

But to echo others posts- playing with someone's face is not at all normal, whether you're asleep or not. That part alone would have me packing my bags.

Is he jealous of the baby? It's not unusual for men to ramp up dickhead behaviour when they realise they are not the centre of a woman's attention any more. Signs of that are a worry.

Whyever he's doing it he should stop once asked. Not expect you to train your subconscious to accept being groped at. Making you feel like the bad guy makes it extra shitty.

That's controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviour OP. No loving partner wakes their spouse like that. You saying you can't disrespect him is also worrying since he's doing that times a million.

to be honest you should just be able to ask your husband to not disturb you while you’re sleeping. That is something any adult should understand.

The fact you mentioned nose grabbing and that he disagrees wit you when you ask him to stop makes me think he is not treating you well.

Oh FGS. Look at the times the posts were made. They were all done within a minute and a half.

Don't you know how MN works?

Astonishing behaviour to wake you like that.

Sorry but he's a twat.

It's definitely not you. It's him!

He's lucky he doesn't get more especially since he keeps on doing it.

What a jerk.

Typo for MUCH.

Obviously..........

At best your husband has issues with consent. He shouldn’t be waking you, he shouldn’t be cuddling or otherwise touching you whilst you are asleep, and he shouldn’t be interfering with you when you are tending to or settling the baby. Even when married you still have bodily autonomy and he has to respect that.

He is showing many red flags though. He is trying gaslight you and using darvo (deny, attack, reverse victim order) and you are buying into it. As previous posters have pointed out, look for the other areas where he isn’t respecting you and your needs.

How can there be a logical solution? Your response is involuntary because you are asleep. The only way to stop it is for your husband to stop touching you when you are asleep.

People are insulting your husband because he is in the wrong for doing this and his reaction to you involuntary response is unfair. What he is doing isn't normal, kind or loving.

Your husband sounds like an abusive POS.

Everything you've written about him demonstrates this.

I wouldn't tolerate any of the things you've mentioned - especially flinging everything off the sofa when he decides he's going to sleep on it.

He sounds like a two year old TBH.

I don't know how you stand him.

You can't disrespect your husband but it's ok for him to trample all over your boundaries because he wants a cuddle and possibly for that cuddle to lead on to something more like sex??

We are giving you helpful advice and also stating things (based entirely on your posts @TheFluentViewer) where we believe that your husband is sending up more red flags than anyone. The suggestion is for him to keep himself to himself until you wake up naturally and can make a conscious decision whether you want a cuddle or not rather than a sub-conscious one when you are asleep.

I'm not sure if you know what DARVO is but he is following the process to the letter here.

People are insulting your husband because he is in the wrong for doing this and his reaction to you involuntary response is unfair. What he is doing isn't normal, kind or loving

Exactly. What he's doing is aggressive. I would not tolerate it if my husband flicked me on the face when I was sleep-deprived.

Neither would I respect a man who told me that I had had enough sleep IN HIS OPINION..................

He's a nightmare, OP.

It's a typo. It should be 'much'.

he wakes you up because he wants to play with your face ?

that's creepy

does he think that then leads to sex.

you chose to marry him, and you chose to have a baby with him

was he like this before you got married ?

Sounds like your other baby is jealous of all the attention the new baby is getting. Quite common really for other little ones to act up in these situations, they dont understand they are not your priority right now. All you can do is explain to him that mummy is tired and needs to sleep. That he needs to be a good little boy and go back to bed and not disturb mummy when she is sleeping.

when you think you've read it all on here ....

I am annoyed on your behalf OP - he is in the wrong BIG time!

I’d lamp someone who did that. The first time. There wouldn’t be a second time. Even my cat knows not to do that and he’s a cat!

If he is a bit bored when you are sleeping, he can read a book, or even better, do some housework.
If he is a bit lonely while you are sleeping, he can phone his own mum for a chat, text his friends, or join Mumsnet (etc) if it is late at night.
What he can't do is grab at your nose for attention until you rightfully snap at him and then act butthurt.

Ick, why can't he just let you be? Why is he comparing you to exes over something you can't control?

One of the creepiest things I've ever read on here. Creepier than Savernake Forest.

"That spirit that naturally comes out when I’m sleeping and he comes to me being loving toward me"

"I couldn't disrespect my husband like that"

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Why is he so interested in your nose?

It's not past abuse you're reacting to, it's current abuse

If this is real, the logical solution is that you tell him to stop touching you and waking you up when you are asleep. This would be true even if you weren't a sleep deprived new mother, but is doubly true in your circumstances.

If he finds that hard to deal with, you get out of the abusive relationship.

Is he generally finding it hard to handle your attention being focused on the baby rather than him?

He keeps grabbing your nose to wake you up? He’s lucky he’s still got any teeth!!

Tell him to pack it in or you will have to sleep separately. In a room with a locked door.

He sounds pathetically childish