Husband wakes me up and doesn’t like my natural reaction

[TheFluentViewer]

My husband will wake me up sometimes, knowing how incredibly tired I was before I had fallen asleep because we have a newborn and it’s 5 or 6 am, but he’ll wake me up by coming to cuddle me or touch and play with my face as I’m sleeping and for some reason since I’m coming out of a deep sleep I react by pushing him away or hitting his hand and seeming angry and violent, when in reality I’m not even conscious and have no idea what’s going on or what I’m doing. The same thing happens every time. He gets upset and asks me over and over why I did that and lectures me on how I need to get rid of that spirit that naturally comes out when I’m sleeping and he comes to me being loving toward me. I don’t know why I do that and barely remember what even happened and so I don’t respond the way he wants me to and he gets pissed and angry at me and sleeps on the couch but will swipe anything and everything that’s on the couch onto the floor first even if there’s something that breaks on the floor when he does, and I have to clean it up later. (We’re in a very small studio/guest house right now.) I haven’t been able to figure out the reason why I react this way and feel guilty about it and like something is wrong with me. Could it be some type of past abuse that I’m instinctually acting on? I can’t put my finger on it. He says every other girl he’s ever been with reacts lovingly by hugging back or just being nice.
I let him know how tired I am and that I need to go to sleep cause I work the next day, but I just teach piano and not for very long hours, so he says I’m fine because he used to get 2-3 hours of sleep and work hard labor for 10-18 hours a day. I’ve just been a little more sleep deprived compared to usual because I take care of the baby throughout the night and have to wake up every 2-3 hours to pump or make a bottle and feed him. My worry is that I’ll be so tired that I sleep through my alarms and don’t make it to work on time, or that I’m so tired on the drive to work and am all over the road or fall asleep at the wheel and get in an accident. I know I can teach fine without any sleep I’ve been doing it so long and it wakes me up, it’s more just about getting there on time and safely.

So he is also gaslighting you.

This man isn’t nice.
Who would think it’s ok to grab their partner’s nose, esp when they are busy with a baby in their hands?

Oh I’m actually in California right now and it’s 7:18 am…I found this site cause someone else posted about a similar situation but I didn’t even realize it’s based in the UK…should’ve known given that it’s called “mumsnet”! 😅

I'm confused now.

You were awake when he did this? And you were awake when you were punching him but can't remember it?

Sounds all very strange to me.

I would have absolutely fucking murdered my husband if he'd woken me up for no reason when I'd finally got the baby off to sleep.

To be honest, it is quite difficult to give you any advice about this without pointing out that your husband is being borderline abusive towards you. These things he's doing to you are - well, basically they are tantamount to assault.

FANI. 👍🏻

I'd be violent. I would honestly knock his teeth out for doing that especially if I'd told him already I didn't like it and he persisted.

In your situation I would sit him down and spell it out to him. I've asked you not to do it. You are touching me without my consent. You have not seen violence. Do it again and I will fucking show you violence. If I cannot trust you not to touch me while I'm asleep, I will leave this relationship.

OK OP look at it this way.

responding in a deliberately mean and destructive way to a subconscious reaction while are sleeping in-between feeds is emotionally manipulative.
You are on here asking for help and how to "fix" your behaviour?

The solution is for him to leave you alone while you sleep. if he actually needs to wake you, rather than stroking or cuddling you he can give you a firm shake on the arm. and say "wake up!"

Maybe you're tired and over whelmed. But him minimising your tiredness with a young baby, throwing a tantrum and chucking things on the floor/sleeping in the other room is not "loving" or supportive behaviour to a mother to a young baby.

He should going out of his way to make it easy for you, if you're spread across the bed and he's clearly fine with sleeping on the sofa to upset you, why not do that so he doesn't wake you up?

Why is his default to hinder rather than help? It is logical to ask yourself and him this. your behaviour in this situation is not this issue.

Could it be some type of past abuse that I’m instinctually acting on?

It’s current abuse.

I think I would get a massive dose of rage and want to inflict a very hard slap for doing that- how irritating.
What a creep 🤢

touching your nose sounds like he was trying to hold your nose to wake you up fully. bastard

If we’re all wrong and he’s truly loving, then it should just take you saying I’m so tired and you’re waking me up, please could you not do that again. But this is so obvious that I think it’s very unlikely that he hasn’t real realised it by himself. Which only really leaves the original reason.

That’s before we even address the throwing things on the floor for you to clean up.

I have the rage just reading this. He doesn't respect you. Tell the man baby to fuck off.

I think he has got you right where he wants you. He isn’t acting like a grown up decent loving husband and father. You sound very upset and distressed, he has made you feel like that. This is not what loving men do to their partners. Be calm , tell him you can’t help your reaction and you are very tired, you aren’t meaning to hurt his feelings but he is going out of his way to hurt yours. Take care of yourself.

Tell him to go f himself.

The problem isn't your unconscious reactions, it's his conscious actions. He is fully able to stop doing this to you. Undermining your sleep is bad for both you and the newborn. He's being an asshole.

Jeez, if someone poked me in the face to wake me up I would punch them. Is he actually a complete moron? Does he think this Is a prelude to some form of intimacy? Because if he does he is a complete twat. And why is he persisting with messing with you when you have made your feelings clear? I would let him sleep on the sofa. Infact I would clear the stuff off for him especially.

Indulging in a bit of DARVO aren't we?

Waking your exhausted wife up for any reason other than life and death emergency is NOT loving. Then he tells you to sort yourself out. This is not a healthy dynamic.

Your husband isn't a good man, he's an abusive man.

If he is a good man he'll stop touching you as soon as you ask him not to. Try it out.

He's abusive and you are in denial.

Are you from the 1950s ? No one would put up with this.
Why is it ok for him to wake you up ?

The logical solution is for him to stop waking you up. Your husband isn’t behaving acceptably.

I'm sorry OP, but I agree with everyone else - your husband is abusive. So many red flags in your posts. I suspect there are more in his day to day behaviour that you have likely minimised or explained away.

He's continuing to touch you after you've asked him not to - assault.

He's waking you purely for his own needs, regardless of the fact you have been getting up in the night with the baby - selfish (I also suspect he actually wants sex, and is trying to initiate it by waking you with a "cuddle") and torture (sleep deprivation)

He's then turning it round on you making your reaction to being assaulted in your sleep seem to be wrong - gaslighting

If he goes to sleep on the sofa, he breaks your belongings, or at least throws it everywhere he's making a statement to you, punishing you for a perceived wrong - abusive, criminal damage

Comparing you to previous partners, suggesting there's something wrong with you - DARVO/gaslighting

You also seem to be frightened of him. Something about your tone and the fact you want to find a way to modify your behaviour so that you can please him. You've not long given birth to his child - he should be worshipping the ground you walk on! He should be looking after you, doing things for you to try to make things easier, etc.

Please, please take some time to consider why so many of us are telling you this is abusive. Have a think about other behaviour in your relationship. Do you feel able to go out without asking permission? Do you have full access to family money. Have you ever felt scared like he might hurt you physically? Has he ever hurt you physically? Does he turn arguments around on you so you come away confused and feeling like it's your fault? Does he let you get to the end of an argument or does he shut it down? Does he give you the silent treatment?

How old are you both, how long have you been together and how old is your baby?

There is nothing 'loving' about purposefully waking someone up when they are exhausted, especially when you have a newborn as well. There is nothing 'loving' about reacting in a temper, even breaking things and expecting you to clean them up afterwards, because you didn't react how he expects to you, let alone the fact that you're reacting when you're asleep so you don't even know you're doing it. I would hazard a guess that there is a lot more going on here that you don't even realise right now but my money is on him being abusive towards you in a lot of ways. The whole situation that you've posted is really off.