I really fucking hate my life

[MidlifeCrisisHappening]

This is just a rant, really. Whenever I try to tell friends/family in real life, I am always told how I should think and what I should feel and I am just sick of it! I'm sick of being told "it's not that bad" or "i just need to change my view" or "i need to look at the big picture" etc, etc. I just want someone to hear me for once.

I get it. From an outsiders perspective, my life might look "ideal" but it is far, far from it.

I just want to scream from the rooftop how much I hate my dull, boring life.

I hate that I have to wrap my own gifts.
I hate that I have to BUY my own gifts, if I want anything that even slightly resembles what I have asked for.
I hate how my DH is so boring and unmotivated to do anything. He will NEVER do anything I suggest or anything I want to do.
I hate how I have reached middle age and I have nothing to show for it.
I hate how I've worked my arse off for the past 15 years, squirreling away every spare dollar, sacrificed buying things, sacrificed spending any un-necessary money really, to one day have an exit fund and its still NOT ENOUGH.
I hate I am trapped financially.
I hate how my DH is the most selfish, inconsiderate person who is so set and stuck in his ways and has no interest in expanding his horizons.

Thats it. I am just so miserable but everyone expects me to just suck it up and I have had enough.

Why can't you just leave? This is no way to live

I hear you! I'm single by choice. I couldn't cope. No one could cope with me either. I'd probably punch a pillow in anger at a husband who conjured up such feelings.

I have a diary and it's great to just write random rantings and feelings including excessive use of the word c* and various expletives. Obviously the fall out wouldn't be great if anyone found it. I bought one with a lock just in case. It's very cathartic.

You don't need people invalidating your experience. But people always do it. I have to check myself when I do it.

I have a therapist. It is a real pleasure for me to not have to listen to the bias and lack of understanding you're going to get with rels and friends.

I imagine loads of people will read your post and think yep, I get it. 💐

Sorry Op.

That sounds tough, I know it’s easier said than done and it won’t solve everything - but try and write a list or think of things you’re thankful for.

When do you think you’ll have “enough” for an exit fund?

You know something, just £100 is enough of an exit fund when you hit ENOUGH

DH went out for dinner with his daughter one evening, in the time he was gone I packed my case, took all that was precious to me, and walked

I think I had about £200 to my name, first night I had to pay for a hotel, then spent a couple of nights on floors of friends until I got a hostel place, and there I stayed for near on a year till he had wised up

Yes we did get back together, but I wouldn't have if he hadn't wised up and realised I was a human, not just his OH, housekeeper , and step mother to his kids,

Only you can decide on how bad things need to get and only you can decide on how much discomfort you can put up with by leaving. Tell ya, hostel living is no fun, frightening at times, but I was happier there at that time then I was in my own home

@Tittat50 Thanks. I do have a journal, which is so helpful and therapeutic. I have had a therapist in the past - I mean, I have tried to learn the skills to see things differently and not live in misery, but at the moment, its just hitting me so hard how incompatible we are and how much of my life I have sacrificed and wasted. We've never even seen a movie of my choice or gone on a vacation somewhere I have wanted. Its always been what he wants or nothing and I just cannot describe how unfulfilled and dis-satisfied I feel.

@MidlifeCrisisHappening so what is holding you back? You say lack of money - have you got dc? Are you in the US as you say dollars? If you leave and divorce, what is the split where you are?

@MidlifeCrisisHappening I found I could talk through major decisions with mine and it helped me to take action that improved my own well being. It does depend on the person you have. Mine has helped due to being female, older with life experience. Talking through the logistics of how you can change this situation in any way sounds important. That might includes the moral support and guidance needed to plan for an exit from this marriage.

Your family and friends will not help you on the journey to improving this situation so for this, I feel they are just ' duds'.

Sorry you're going through this.

@Gillettethebest You are right - I do have alot to be thankful for and I am grateful. I have been afforded some good opportunities to see parts of the world, due to DH's work, but as we are approaching our 50's I am realizing just how one sided the relationship has always been and how my wants, needs or thoughts have never been considered. I think it really has hit me, as I am aging just how resentful I feel.

In the short term, Miles Cyrus ‘Flowers’ may resonate, and why can’t you go to see a film YOU want? What happens if you say ‘don’t wanna see that film, want to see this one’?

Have you considered therapy/counselling as a starting point to help you start to disentangle the issues?

@goody2shooz I do actually go and see films alone. I'd never see any I wanted to see, otherwise! But it gets slightly depressing when you realise you have to always do things alone if they are what I want. Thats not quite how I envisioned a "partnership". He's great at telling me what he thinks I want to hear (we'll take that trip to your choice or we will go and see that show/event/outing you want to see) but he never follows through. When I suggest things or try to plan things, he nods along, like "yes", thats a good idea, like he wants to do it to, but when it comes to it, I get "No, i don't want to". Then I'm like "why did you nod and agree if you didn't want to". Like I am just being constantly strung along.

@Elf36 I am thinking its a great idea. I have had counseling before but I am feeling like I should revisit.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy Money! I have no-where to go, as it stands. We have no assets, apart from cars we own outright, so if we split, there is no pool to divide per se.

100% go for it. I really think it would help. Once you have a clearer view of everything and your feelings only then can you take sensible action🎯

I'm guessing you don't have DC, as you haven't mentioned them?

If that's correct, was that his choice too?

Wow your post made me think you're married to my ex. I could have written this a few years ago. I am completely with you OP. It's absolutely infuriating and soul-destroying to be with someone like that.

@Aria999 We do have 2 DC, but they are older and self sufficient. Thats probably why I have stayed as long as I have and tried to make the "best" of it.

Makes sense!

In that case would you need very much of an exit fund? Only yourself to support. 1 bed flat, beans on toast etc...

Well how do you think single women live? You are making a choice to stay for financial reasons. That may be a perfectly valid reason - but you have agency in making that decision.

I was feeling just like you, fed up, resentful and disheartened at my life, my poor choices and my non existent relationship with DH. The lack of effort and left to feel like I don’t matter. I left! 6 months later we are back together as he realised that he took me for granted. regarding things being always his way, I suggest you talk to him. Tell him you had enough. Movies, vacations, restaurants choices need to be balanced and you will take it in turn going forward. Hopefully, that will bring some sort of balance.

Go and find a hippy commune or some kind of eco village to live in for a while. Somewhere where you can quit your job and work in exchange for lodgings and food. You’ll just need enough money to get there.

@Sab06 Thankyou. I am glad things worked out for you. I definitely feel used and abused and taken advantage of.

@Franjipanl8r I love this idea!

It sounds like you don’t hate your life, you hate your DH

Apologies if this comes across as a drip feed, but we are currently living overseas, away from the mother land, for an excellent career opportunity for DH. So I have given up my FT job (sacrificing my savings potential and ability to top up/add to pension fund) to support him with this job.

So today is our one year anniversary of living abroad and I think what has brought all this to a head, is the fact we have done absolutely nothing since being here! Despite numerous 5 day long weekends, despite annual leave etc, we've done and seen and explored hardly anything.

When this move was first pitched to me, I was asked about all the places I wanted to see, whilst we lived here. It was "sold" to me, that we would tour and we'd explore and we'd visit all these places while we had the opportunity of living here.... Yet here we are, 12 months in and we've done stuff all. I gave up my career, my income, my life, for what! I could be living this drudgery back in the mother land. At least I'd be earning, I'd be able to save etc. Yet I am miles from home, with an experience which is turning out to be nothing like I expected it would be.

I think this is why I am feeling so disillusioned and sad.