I really fucking hate my life

[MidlifeCrisisHappening]

This is just a rant, really. Whenever I try to tell friends/family in real life, I am always told how I should think and what I should feel and I am just sick of it! I'm sick of being told "it's not that bad" or "i just need to change my view" or "i need to look at the big picture" etc, etc. I just want someone to hear me for once.

I get it. From an outsiders perspective, my life might look "ideal" but it is far, far from it.

I just want to scream from the rooftop how much I hate my dull, boring life.

I hate that I have to wrap my own gifts.
I hate that I have to BUY my own gifts, if I want anything that even slightly resembles what I have asked for.
I hate how my DH is so boring and unmotivated to do anything. He will NEVER do anything I suggest or anything I want to do.
I hate how I have reached middle age and I have nothing to show for it.
I hate how I've worked my arse off for the past 15 years, squirreling away every spare dollar, sacrificed buying things, sacrificed spending any un-necessary money really, to one day have an exit fund and its still NOT ENOUGH.
I hate I am trapped financially.
I hate how my DH is the most selfish, inconsiderate person who is so set and stuck in his ways and has no interest in expanding his horizons.

Thats it. I am just so miserable but everyone expects me to just suck it up and I have had enough.

It seems to me like you don't need to see things differently.

You're being treated appallingly, why would you need to reframe being treated abysmally into something grandiose?

The feelings you're feeling is exactly what you need to be feeling to get the fuck out of dodge.

Why on earth should you put up with a lifetime of this when you can treat yourself better and eventually someone else will come along and cherish you and worship the ground you walk on.

Therapy isn't going to fix this. Staying together for the sake of finances still leaves you poor, financially and in enrichment from your life. Would you rather be poor and treated like something on the bottom of his shoe or poor and in control of your life?

Yep I was married to someone like this, it feels like you’re dragging them. I was told we’d move interstate or overseas and never happened. Even when we had time or money he killed anything fun. It’s like living the a vampire.

Of course you’re miserable, you can’t even go to a movie you want and you have an anchor holding you back.

I am single now and have less money, raising a child alone. I don’t have many holidays but at lesst I have dreams and hopes and the knowledge it’s up to me, nobody sabotaging me

Could you get some therapy? It sounds as though there’s a lot to unpack and it could really help support you and give you clarity of mind. Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship, don’t settle and drop anchor here.

Me too!

She doesn't have young kids she has adults and only quit her job recently.
You do need to read before opining.

She made her choices in the full knowledge of what they entailed, and now does nothing but complain about how awful her life is. Telling her it's not her fault is not helping in the slightest.

Not much sympathy op. Some people don’t realise that when you’re married to a drip, you feel stuck & trapped and not in control of your happiness.

But you can be and you can leave and you can rebuild, you just need to adjust to a new reality & new expectations.

But that is quite unusual. Not unlikely, but women giving birth after 40 is not the majority.

The OP has not said that her 'older and self-sufficient' children have relocated to another country with them (which would involve new schools or jobs.)

So it's very likely that they are in their 'home' country.

It is a chat forum, yes. You are quick to disagree with posts and even if you can't see it, your replies to me came over as offensive/patronising. Before you start making comments on my posts ((you've bothered to look at others?) maybe consider how your own posts come across.

Back to the topic- the OP says her children are 'older and self sufficient'. That to me means over school leaving age. Not being able to make their own dinners.

Given that there is no evidence they have been uprooted from their education to work to accompany the OP to another country, it's pretty likely they are adults.

Its quite common. For her children to be self sufficient adults she would have had to have them at 30/31 at latest, which is unusual in my social circles. It depends on your demographic.

Look, it's not. If you want to continue to believe this, search the ONS and see the stats. Births to women over 40 are in the minority.

Look, I don't know what is going on in your life or mind that you would choose to pick a fight with an internet stranger offering support to an unhappy woman, who sees an ambiguity in the OPs post that you do not, but I do know that it is not healthy to behave like this. So I'll leave you to it.

Maybe step back and see how you are continuing this.

You're very very touchy.
And if it IS an argument, you're 50% in it too.

Enjoy the rest of your Monday.

Go woofing

wwoof.net

I get it OP. DP never wants to do anything that isn’t his choice either and has no imagination. We’ve stayed locked in limbo in various ways because he only does things that his parents tell him he needs to do (he’s nearing 50). I’m figuring a way out.

So - you’ve had enough
What do you want to do? And have you identified how to do it? Life is too short for this constant pervading disappointment - something needs to change but only YOU can change it, no one else is going to say or do anything that improves your life. It has to be you.

So your husband is happy to continue with things as they are because he pays you a small wage for presumably doing all the cooking and cleaning - would it cost more for him to employ a maid?
but you're unhappy and don't have dependent children but also don't want to leave
I think I'm confused about the issue? You are both agreeing to stay in this marriage as it is so despite you saying you are unhappy maybe you prefer this to an alternative?

This kind of explains how you end up in this situation. You cling onto the belief that things will get better even though you hate your life. That when he gives up cricket you will actually spend time together. Then he takes up golf and on and on it goes. It's the old boiling frog scenario. It's like an addiction and a typical avoidant/chaser dance.

You go along with it until you wake up one day and realise it's never going to change. That's what happened to me and I'm sure the Op. You've accepted the non relationship but absolutely believe you will get the companionship, friendship from the person you are married to because you have seen glimpses of it.

I don't believe many people are so self aware that they make a positive choice to remain in a dead duck of a relationship, therefore deserve no sympathy when you finally decide you have to get out. It's not black and white, no relationships are.

So you're no worse off if you leave him, then?

If not now, then when?

@Aberentian I'm afraid unless you have significant savings you are dependent, as you would find if you tried to leave. You may function as a full partner but the reality is when you don't have an income you are financially dependent. I wouldn't recommend making that a long term plan.

Apply for jobs at home and then return. Use the job as a catalyst. You will need a months deposit and a months rent. Some starter cash for other stuff unless you have a lot of things in storage. And air fare.

You mean there is people who buy presents for you and wrap them too?

OP, I'm sorry you feel so stuck - I have had that experience (crap marriage, ended by H's (natural!) death - it would have ended by divorce otherwise), so I know how undermining and draining it can be.

BUT: I don't understand how the money side stacks up. You say you have no assets aside from cars, but that this is an excellent career move for your husband. So that must mean good money? Unless he is the sort who values experiences over money - which your description of him doesn't suggest.

You left a FT job, and mourn the chance to continue topping up your savings and pension. So do you still have those set aside? What about your husband's pension? You brought up children - did you live in a house you owned while doing it, or did you rent? Does your husband's job cover the costs of housing? In which case, isn't that a big saving that he could be sharing with you (allowing you more scope to save, have fun, top up pension while you are still with him).

I don't understand how at 50, both of you with FT jobs behind you, and this package overseas good enough to give up what you had at home, there is nowhere near enough for you to leave and set up on your own.

Do you mean, "I don't have a pension/investment pot of £1million, which according to the 4 per cent draw down rule, would allow me to withdraw £40k to live on each year without ever having to add to it again'?

or do you mean, "I cannot put my hands on £10k -£15k which would allow me to get a flight home, pay the deposit on a modest rental, and live while I organise paid work that will enable me to resume an independent life'?