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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really fucking hate my life

123 replies

MidlifeCrisisHappening · 01/12/2024 23:33

This is just a rant, really. Whenever I try to tell friends/family in real life, I am always told how I should think and what I should feel and I am just sick of it! I'm sick of being told "it's not that bad" or "i just need to change my view" or "i need to look at the big picture" etc, etc. I just want someone to hear me for once.

I get it. From an outsiders perspective, my life might look "ideal" but it is far, far from it.

I just want to scream from the rooftop how much I hate my dull, boring life.

I hate that I have to wrap my own gifts.
I hate that I have to BUY my own gifts, if I want anything that even slightly resembles what I have asked for.
I hate how my DH is so boring and unmotivated to do anything. He will NEVER do anything I suggest or anything I want to do.
I hate how I have reached middle age and I have nothing to show for it.
I hate how I've worked my arse off for the past 15 years, squirreling away every spare dollar, sacrificed buying things, sacrificed spending any un-necessary money really, to one day have an exit fund and its still NOT ENOUGH.
I hate I am trapped financially.
I hate how my DH is the most selfish, inconsiderate person who is so set and stuck in his ways and has no interest in expanding his horizons.

Thats it. I am just so miserable but everyone expects me to just suck it up and I have had enough.

OP posts:
Ownyourchoices · 02/12/2024 03:58

If you have been together for a long time, moving overseas for job opportunities and you have been working full-time previously and you are late 40s etc - how can you have no assets???

That is what makes no sense to me. House prices were vastly doable 10/15 years ago. Why do people have kids without making them selves financially secure. I know its much tougher now - but it wasn't then.

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 02/12/2024 04:15

Why don’t you go travelling around wherever you are by yourself? I actually prefer going to see places by myself, I get to do exactly what I want, when I want! It is a luxury to have time for yourself, you could make the most of it?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/12/2024 06:46

MidlifeCrisisHappening · 02/12/2024 00:12

@Gillettethebest You are right - I do have alot to be thankful for and I am grateful. I have been afforded some good opportunities to see parts of the world, due to DH's work, but as we are approaching our 50's I am realizing just how one sided the relationship has always been and how my wants, needs or thoughts have never been considered. I think it really has hit me, as I am aging just how resentful I feel.

When I read this post I thought of my mum and dad. My mum has always prioritised my dad and they ended up living abroad for 15 years.
It was originally meant to be 2-3 then snowballed!
But the difference in your situation and my parents is that my mum went out of her way to make a life for herself. She made friends, she got a job (started caring but then ended up being a trust find manager once she was more settled!). She had friends and family fly out for visits etc.

What screams out to me is : you need a job.
Can you get one?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/12/2024 06:47

I agree I don't understand the no assets. Even if you sold your property before leaving you must have the money from that or if he does you divorce and get half.

Dreammalildream · 02/12/2024 06:52

So you're living abroad so that he can earn well, but he/you never spend any money - so wheres all the money going? Is he keeping it for himself?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/12/2024 06:59

MidlifeCrisisHappening · 02/12/2024 00:47

Apologies if this comes across as a drip feed, but we are currently living overseas, away from the mother land, for an excellent career opportunity for DH. So I have given up my FT job (sacrificing my savings potential and ability to top up/add to pension fund) to support him with this job.

So today is our one year anniversary of living abroad and I think what has brought all this to a head, is the fact we have done absolutely nothing since being here! Despite numerous 5 day long weekends, despite annual leave etc, we've done and seen and explored hardly anything.

When this move was first pitched to me, I was asked about all the places I wanted to see, whilst we lived here. It was "sold" to me, that we would tour and we'd explore and we'd visit all these places while we had the opportunity of living here.... Yet here we are, 12 months in and we've done stuff all. I gave up my career, my income, my life, for what! I could be living this drudgery back in the mother land. At least I'd be earning, I'd be able to save etc. Yet I am miles from home, with an experience which is turning out to be nothing like I expected it would be.

I think this is why I am feeling so disillusioned and sad.

Just go home. Can you stay with a relative while you look for a job. Then maybe rent a flat share? You need to be paying back into your pension.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/12/2024 06:59

Dreammalildream · 02/12/2024 06:52

So you're living abroad so that he can earn well, but he/you never spend any money - so wheres all the money going? Is he keeping it for himself?

Also true. Maybe you need legal advice too OP.

RedHelenB · 02/12/2024 07:09

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/12/2024 23:42

Why can't you just leave? This is no way to live

This. Money isn't everything as you've found out.

H0T · 02/12/2024 07:11

Do you have any friends? Invite them over, go on adventures with them, why do you need him to see the country with? He doesn't sound like great company. Live your life!

ChristmasCarnage · 02/12/2024 07:26

Just leave. You have no dependents. Nothing is tying you to this life you hate, so you don’t have to live it. Stop navel gazing and make a change to have the life you want.

DowntonFlabbie · 02/12/2024 07:27

Take some responsibility. This didn't happen to you, you chose it. You knew exactly what he was like and yet you still gave up your job to go with him to another country as a dependent.
All of this is the choices you've made. Now make some new ones, better ones.

And stop getting angry at the people you're moaning to about your life. They're probably wondering wtf your whining about when you chose this life.🤷‍♀️

chocolaterevels · 02/12/2024 07:30

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/12/2024 23:42

Why can't you just leave? This is no way to live

She already said - the exit fund isn't enough. Why do people always say 'just leave'? I'm in an emotionally abusive and toxic marriage and cannot leave. I've been saving for 4 years. Been trying to increase my income every way possible. I could afford to leave alone, but not if I want to see my kids again. Housing costs are insane. Not everyone can just leave and it's really grating to hear it over and over again!

FamilyPhoto · 02/12/2024 07:34

So where is the family money and why isny some being used to top up your pension ?

2024onwardsandup · 02/12/2024 07:35

chocolaterevels · 02/12/2024 07:30

She already said - the exit fund isn't enough. Why do people always say 'just leave'? I'm in an emotionally abusive and toxic marriage and cannot leave. I've been saving for 4 years. Been trying to increase my income every way possible. I could afford to leave alone, but not if I want to see my kids again. Housing costs are insane. Not everyone can just leave and it's really grating to hear it over and over again!

Show quote history

many women are single parents in the uk. We have an imperfect but comparatively extraordinary welfare support system so it can be done.

bluebeck · 02/12/2024 07:39

So can you not go back home and get a job and support yourself?

LilacRaven · 02/12/2024 07:41

I feel for you but also think you are your own worst enemy.

You don't have young children and have your health so I really don't see why you wouldn't leave if it's that bad. Yea I get financially it's scary but you could rent a house share with a lady your own age? Save money and have company/friendship.

You get one life and it sounds like you've spent yours serving a man who doesn't deserve you x

unsync · 02/12/2024 07:42

Leave. Go back home, restart your career. Be happy. It really is that simple.

Don't let fear hold you back. Otherwise, you'll be posting the same thing in a year, or five or ten. Is that really how you want the rest of your life to be? Living with all that resentment?

Thegrassroots26 · 02/12/2024 07:43

OP, I too hate when people tell you how to feel! Your feelings are valid and allowed. Being in an unsatisfactory marriage/relationship is very difficult and so are the options available to you regarding what to do about it.
I was unhappy for a long time, possibly the whole time. I wonder sometimes if I was barely even there at times, or whether I had some kind of dissociative disorder! Anyway, I did leave. It has been incredibly hard and challenging, lonely; I’ve felt guilt/shame, invisible. I miss my kids when they are not with me - fortunately they are a bit older, which helps somewhat.
Ultimately OP, it’s your life - we only get one. You have to live it and so you get to decide what to do. Living in a way that makes you miserable, in which you feel you don’t have control can be very difficult. But that doesn’t mean the grass is necessarily going to be greener, sometimes we just exchange one set of issues for a different set.

teenmaw · 02/12/2024 07:49

Op why are you not out doing these things yourself? There are a million ways to make money remotely, why aren't you working? Yeah he sounds dull but he's not why you're not doing anything....go do it!!

Thegrassroots26 · 02/12/2024 07:49

Do you love your husband, OP? Is this worth saving and fighting for?

BackOnTheAntibiotics · 02/12/2024 07:58

If you feel this strongly, why don't you leave? If you have next to no assets, surely that removes a complication?

Speak to friends back home. See if you can sofa surf and get a job and then take it from there. Seething like this is crazy when you can pack up and leave.

Aberentian · 02/12/2024 07:59

BettyBardMacDonald · 02/12/2024 01:41

I will never if I lice to be 1,000 years old understand why women make themselves adult dependents.

I am not a fucking adult dependant. I am in a similar position to OP but taking care of small children. I am a full partner in this marriage.

Aberentian · 02/12/2024 08:00

MidlifeCrisisHappening · 02/12/2024 01:17

@SleepPrettyDarling Sadly not. I get a small allowance for being a "lady of leisure". And look, I knew this from the start. I just thought/expected we would "do more/make more" of this once in a life time opportunity. I'm just really bloody sad at what to me, seems to be a wasted opportunity all round. Instead of living our best lives, he's fixated on the TV.

If you are overseas for his work you should be sharing all money equally.
Actually you should be doing that no matter what.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 02/12/2024 08:01

MidlifeCrisisHappening · 02/12/2024 00:56

@EconomyClassRockstar You know what, you could be onto something re the hormones. DH has noticed my change in attitude. Normally, I am calm, chill, go along with whatever. But lately, I have been snarky, I've been opinionated and generally a bit of a bitch!

@MidlifeCrisisHappening As we age, estrogen starts to deplete. This makes us less receptive and compliant.

Basically, the menopause makes women take no shit. That's why so many divorces happen around this time.

Get back home ASAP. Stay with a friend or family and get back into work. Start building up your savings to rent somewhere. You can do it.

HermioneWalker · 02/12/2024 08:07

Are you living in the States? Or from the US ( you talk of 'dollars and vacation'.)

Here, in the UK, you'd be entitled to at least 50% starting point of joint assets in a divorce.

My advice is you take control. There are ways to leave if you really want to.

And you should be sharing his income anyway.

If you're in your 50s why have you never saved either your own income or something as a couple?

The only exit fund you need is the flight home, enough to rent somewhere short term, and some work- any work (retail, hospitality, or whatever you did before) - just to pay for day to day living while you file for divorce.