I really fucking hate my life

[MidlifeCrisisHappening]

This is just a rant, really. Whenever I try to tell friends/family in real life, I am always told how I should think and what I should feel and I am just sick of it! I'm sick of being told "it's not that bad" or "i just need to change my view" or "i need to look at the big picture" etc, etc. I just want someone to hear me for once.

I get it. From an outsiders perspective, my life might look "ideal" but it is far, far from it.

I just want to scream from the rooftop how much I hate my dull, boring life.

I hate that I have to wrap my own gifts.
I hate that I have to BUY my own gifts, if I want anything that even slightly resembles what I have asked for.
I hate how my DH is so boring and unmotivated to do anything. He will NEVER do anything I suggest or anything I want to do.
I hate how I have reached middle age and I have nothing to show for it.
I hate how I've worked my arse off for the past 15 years, squirreling away every spare dollar, sacrificed buying things, sacrificed spending any un-necessary money really, to one day have an exit fund and its still NOT ENOUGH.
I hate I am trapped financially.
I hate how my DH is the most selfish, inconsiderate person who is so set and stuck in his ways and has no interest in expanding his horizons.

Thats it. I am just so miserable but everyone expects me to just suck it up and I have had enough.

@Glitterybee Perhaps! I hate the lie he has sold me. But, I have fallen for it, over and over and over and over again throughout the years. Each time, I have thought, "this is it, this time, finally will be different". Spoiler alert - It never has been. More fool me.

Well - you have one life OP and you can spend the rest of it resentful or you can change it - easier said than done but your choice.

@Solent123 Indeed!

I mean, if you're really into the working away idea, look at https://www.workaway.info and really go for it.

But more realistically, if you hate your life this much and are independently earning decent money but don't have anything to show for it, then start saving now and just leave! If you can afford the house you and DH are in now, you can afford a smaller place on your own. I'm presuming you're in the US by the $ so do you have health insurance? You only get one life so what is the point of wasting it with someone you clearly hate?!

ABSOLUTE SIDE....have you had your hormones checked and is there any chance you are in menopause and THAT might be the reason you want to kill him? I mean, I know stronger marriages that have failed at this exact point. Whatever, do what you need to do!

My pickle was nt saving enough, (now i know to do better)

My situation changed so significantly that I am in a very small Housing Association property. I know I'm very lucky here. I am so grateful to have my own space. The trappings mean nothing if you have to live with someone like this. You'd be significantly better with the absolute basics if it is your own private space and you're free of this.

You want to come back to the UK. You can do this. You need to plan this and prepare. It's going to take time but start tomorrow planning. There will be a way. This luxurious dream you've been sold is a pile of crap. The material things mean nothing. A lesson I've learnt the hardest way possible unfortunately. You're healthy I assume and have something someone will want work wise. Get squirreling away, private account. Don't tell him until all your ducks are in a row .

He isn't changing. Don't waste this life.

@EconomyClassRockstar You know what, you could be onto something re the hormones. DH has noticed my change in attitude. Normally, I am calm, chill, go along with whatever. But lately, I have been snarky, I've been opinionated and generally a bit of a bitch!

Does your visa allow you to seek work?

You indicate that you're late 40s. That is fucking young. Get out of this situation and live your life how you want to live it.

Is there any chance that you could start applying for jobs back home? You only left 12 months ago so your CV is still fresh- do you still have contacts in your industry?

What about making a personal wishlist for the next 10 years and then working out how to achieve those goals? It sounds as if going home and getting back to work are the first essential steps tbh. As a PP mentioned, speaking with a counselor could also help you to clarify your goals.

It sounds as if it’s time to leave your DH behind and start doing what YOU want to do with your life. Luckily your children are self-sufficient so you don’t need to accommodate them either. Good luck. 💐

Could you go home for a month see how you feel, if it's home you miss then you have your answer, could work out for the best, get a job , leave him there , definitely get your bloods done see if it's menopause ,

It’s not that perimenopause turns you into a bit of a bitch. It’s that the “nurturing” hormones that made you a bit of a pushover reduce, so you re-set to the same level of selflessness as men & children have.
Which tends to look like selfishness to them but is actually you giving yourself equal status after putting yourself last for many years

Leave. Tomorrow. Give yourself some hours to tell your H and make some basic bags. Volunteer, travel, work as you go, in whatever: cleaning toilets, bars, shops. Meet people. Learn to value yourself again. Think about yourself for once, not about what other people need. Stop existing. Start living.

You won't regret it.

@SleepPrettyDarling Sadly not. I get a small allowance for being a "lady of leisure". And look, I knew this from the start. I just thought/expected we would "do more/make more" of this once in a life time opportunity. I'm just really bloody sad at what to me, seems to be a wasted opportunity all round. Instead of living our best lives, he's fixated on the TV.

God I wish I had posted this years ago.

I am stuck with a man who doesn't respect me, and is emotionally and financially abusive. Our adult children are following in his footsteps. He refuses to leave, but I have invested so much in our home that I am not going to leave it either. So here I am. My work life is crap too and I never progressed as I should have given my qualifications and experience. I fucking hate my life!

I've wasted 40+ years of my life on this shit relationship.

Get out while you still can!

I hear you loud and clear.

I have live in NZ for 7 years. It is really really hard living in a place you have no "roots" for. You think you are going to see all these amazing things and have this incredible life, but its the same shit just a different timezone.

Also you really find out who cares about you, even with social media. As you are not in people lives every day, it is a real effort for some people, and that hugely makes you question your worth as a human.

I had a bit of a loss last week, and after processing it I just sat down, and said out loud and to myself "This is all just so hard". I don;t have enough money to go to the places I want to travel too, and I have nothing else to really show for my life. After that tatrum, I calmed down and binged watched TV for a day and now I feel a lot better.

@MidlifeCrisisHappening I would really start planning to go home where you can work and presumably have family and connections. Stop following him around, it isn’t doing anything for you.

@MidlifeCrisisHappening is there any way of increasing this allowance? God knows what crap you'll have to do to get it but it is potentially necessary right now to just bide your time on this. If you have nothing to your own name it's going to be important to get something set aside. Even if in your mind it's a year down the line. Even if you don't feel you could leave the guy, just start squirrelling something away. This alone will give you the feeling of control over your life you desperately need. Don't tell him about the separate account.

I’ve lived abroad during different parts of my life. The last one was for my husband’s job and it was bloody hard at first. The difference for me was that I was able to start working after a while. I started by doing some freelance work for my old employer back home, before eventually getting a local role. Is there any way you can work?

Does he control all the money? Is that why you mentioned getting an allowance? If you’re able, you should start booking some long weekends away instead of waiting for him to do it.

But long term, it sounds like you need to start making an exit plan.

I hear you and sorry you feel like this.
Are you able to do some trips on your own in this country? I’m single with grown up children so do lots on my own. Take a trip to a different town/ city stay in a hotel or little bnb and do the sight seeing you were hoping to do. It’s very liberating sitting eating somewhere lovely on your own.
There are other bigger suggestions on here like leaving etc - but this one is easier and may ignite a spark and give you time to think if you hate your life or your DH and make some plans.

I hear you. I’m sick of lots of aspects of my life too that I can’t change, whilst acknowledging that I am also more fortunate than the majority of the world.

A friend of mine was in a situation like you describe. She looked for work overseas and got a job in St Helena. Loved it! Then went to do a lot of overseas work, sometimes voluntary with paid for food and lodgings other times paid. She’s helped turtles, and all sorts. She is living a full life and has never looked back. Make the break for change.

I will never if I lice to be 1,000 years old understand why women make themselves adult dependents.

Often it's very convenient. If you have kids then having a full on job and doing the various things you need to do for kids (snow days, school pickup, sick days) is pretty hard so it makes sense to arrange it so one person has the full on job and the other one does that stuff.

But totally dependent, no. DH is wonderful and also if I had to support the kids on my own earning capacity now, things would look starkly different from our current lifestyle (bye bye private school) but if I had to, I would cope. Staying in that position is a big motivator.

You and only you are responsible for your life. Many people have managed to leave far worse and start over with less. If you’re so miserable then do something about it.

I recommend volunteering (you’re not working - you have free time so helping other people will stop you focusing on yourself) or learning something new to give you options and something else to focus on. Will also help boost your self esteem.

I also really recommend Jordan Peterson’s books which have been far more useful in helping me turn my life around than any other ‘self help’ book on the market.

therapy is also useless if you’re just going to go and essentially moan about stuff. Spend the money on effecting some kind of practical change.