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Original poster

Ex hit DD and now threatening to turn up at school

89 replies

Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:25

I hope I've posted this in the right place! I'm in desperate need of help.

My ex partner has smacked my 11 year old. It happened on holiday, whilst abroad at the beginning of August. She's refused to see him since then, and I will not allow her to go back to his house. He took away her phone after he hit her, so she couldn't call me.

He has a very toxic relationship with his partner. My child has told me about their constant arguing in front of her. She's overheard his partner calling her during arguments and has also told me his partner isn't very nice to her when her father isn't there. Her father thinks she is lying and will deny it to me when I have raised it with him. I just receive abuse and threats each time. He was physically abusive to me when we were in a relationship. I got away from him, but I never thought he'd do this to our child. The police issued an injunction for DV, so they are aware of past behaviour.

Tonight, he has threatened to come to my home to make her speak to him. He has told her he will turn up at her high school to make her talk to him. She has clearly told him multiple times and explained that she can not take his behaviour anymore and she doesn't want contact with him. I now know all of what was happening. She was too scared to tell me before this. He tells her he will get rid of her bedroom and she isn't getting Christmas presents if she doesn't see him. I've received a lot of abuse off of him tonight, and I've just had enough. He's saying to my daughter that he believes she isn't safe! It's just another tool to manipulate her. He isn't going to stop till he gets what he wants.

What can I do here? I obviously will keep her safe. But he's threatening to go to her high school, and I'm so worried. So is she. Can the police do anything about this?

I never reported him hitting her at the time, as I was told it's not illegal in England, and nothing will be done. So I stopped contact as my daughter wanted. I will not allow him anywhere near her. I will admit that I thought I'd be able to handle this myself. But, I realise now he's threatening to go to her school, I won't be there to keep her safe.

His family all believe I've poisoned our child against him, and he's this amazing person. His mother saw strangle marks around my neck when he did them, and she still defends him. His partner seems just as bad as him. So I can't speak to any of them about this.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/12/2024 17:28

Give the school an obvious heads up - email the safeguarding email address now.

They'll call the police if he turns up, which handily gives independent evidence of his fuckwittery, and they'll be able to put measure in place to help support her with making her disclosure.

In every secondary I've worked, there have been more than sufficient members of staff quite happy to deal with an aggressive prick demanding things like this.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 01/12/2024 17:33

Hitting someone is absolutely a crime in the UK. It’s assault.

Phone the police and NSPCC. Get some advice.

Keep your daughter off school if she feels unsafe.

trivialMorning · 01/12/2024 17:34

Tonight, he has threatened to come to my home to make her speak to him. He has told her he will turn up at her high school to make her talk to him.

I agree with PP - e-mail the school - tutor - head of year at least if not higher so they can offer her support and know it's a possible safeguarding issue.

If he turns up at yours - don't let him in and if he gets aggressive call the police.

Original poster
Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:34

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/12/2024 17:28

Give the school an obvious heads up - email the safeguarding email address now.

They'll call the police if he turns up, which handily gives independent evidence of his fuckwittery, and they'll be able to put measure in place to help support her with making her disclosure.

In every secondary I've worked, there have been more than sufficient members of staff quite happy to deal with an aggressive prick demanding things like this.

I've emailed safeguarding as I have a good relationship with them due to my SEN child. I've also got proof of him admitting hitting her and also stating that 'this is the punishment at my house if she doesn't behave'. So I know he's going to do it again. He can not deny he did this. I've attached those messages to the email also. I hope that will help?

I looked online, and it says the school can't stop him. She gets the school bus home and she's worried in case he waits near the bus. I'm going to leave work early this week to collect her and hope the school can support me.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 01/12/2024 17:34

He's clearly still abusive, to you and now to your DD. If she doesn't want to see him then that's how it needs to be. Tell her school that he's not allowed to pick her up and to call you if he turns up. Sadly, he doesn't really care about seeing his DD, it's all about having his own way- speak to the police and see if there's any legal orders you can take out to protect her from contact

trivialMorning · 01/12/2024 17:39

May be worth getting in touch by none emergency means with local police - you have texts admitting the assault they may be helpful.

I'd also mention to school your concerns with getting the bus - they may be able to help or help her plan how to act past this week you do pick ups.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/12/2024 17:40

Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:34

I've emailed safeguarding as I have a good relationship with them due to my SEN child. I've also got proof of him admitting hitting her and also stating that 'this is the punishment at my house if she doesn't behave'. So I know he's going to do it again. He can not deny he did this. I've attached those messages to the email also. I hope that will help?

I looked online, and it says the school can't stop him. She gets the school bus home and she's worried in case he waits near the bus. I'm going to leave work early this week to collect her and hope the school can support me.

Show quote history

They can refuse to permit somebody entry. It's why we all spend tens of thousands on security - to protect children. We can refuse because there's a report of physical harm/abuse. We can call the police if somebody won't leave or tries to force their way inside. We can keep a child safely inside until their other parent is able to collect them.

I won't go into everything else we as schools can do, as that could give ideas to abusive exes, but he doesn't have the right to assault her or to march in and demand she is carried out to him, kicking and screaming or catatonic with fear. We can protect her and will do so.

Original poster
Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:41

He's always been abusive to me. I've just avoided as much contact as I could from him over the years and have contacted the police each time he became abusive. They usually sent him home in a taxi if he turned up. So, I had no choice but to put up with him.

But, he's moved onto my child, and I'll never allow him to do this to her. I'm going to call 101 now and see if they can help. I've contacted safeguarding and also my solicitor. I know he won't stop, though. Unless they arrest him. They never did in the past, though, so I've no faith in that happening.

OP posts:
Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 01/12/2024 17:41

I guess you need to do something legally about this abusive man. In the school I work in we are very wary of parents wanting to see their kids in the school day. Especially men.
You do need to speak to someone at the school and explain the background. I personally recommend writing an email addressed to the safeguarding lead. Then the safeguarding lead can decide on action, like referral to police for the threats he is making to your child. And the school need to be clear about why they are not allowing father to see her. Not that we would just on principle, and yes we have several staff who hate abusive bullies and are happy to ruin their day!
Your poor child, at least you have both escaped this awful man and her future should be free of him. I'm confident that courts will not order an 11 year old to spend time with anyone they don't want to.

Original poster
Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:45

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/12/2024 17:40

They can refuse to permit somebody entry. It's why we all spend tens of thousands on security - to protect children. We can refuse because there's a report of physical harm/abuse. We can call the police if somebody won't leave or tries to force their way inside. We can keep a child safely inside until their other parent is able to collect them.

I won't go into everything else we as schools can do, as that could give ideas to abusive exes, but he doesn't have the right to assault her or to march in and demand she is carried out to him, kicking and screaming or catatonic with fear. We can protect her and will do so.

Show quote history

I'm just terrified if he is allowed to leave with her. She is scared of him. I had to follow her around at Halloween in my car as she was scared he'd turn up and take her.

He tried a stunt like this in primary, and they advised me they couldn't stop him as there's no court order? I'll find out from the School tomorrow. They are fantastic in every way, so I'm sure they'll support me in each way they can.

OP posts:
EmuFace · 01/12/2024 17:46

If he has PR, which I assume he does, the school is in a difficult position without a court order or social care involvement. OP, you need to get the police involved.

Original poster
Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:48

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 01/12/2024 17:41

I guess you need to do something legally about this abusive man. In the school I work in we are very wary of parents wanting to see their kids in the school day. Especially men.
You do need to speak to someone at the school and explain the background. I personally recommend writing an email addressed to the safeguarding lead. Then the safeguarding lead can decide on action, like referral to police for the threats he is making to your child. And the school need to be clear about why they are not allowing father to see her. Not that we would just on principle, and yes we have several staff who hate abusive bullies and are happy to ruin their day!
Your poor child, at least you have both escaped this awful man and her future should be free of him. I'm confident that courts will not order an 11 year old to spend time with anyone they don't want to.

I've sent everything to safeguarding this afternoon, but I'm just worried it won't be enough to stop him. I know what he is like, and he won't stop. She has blocked his number, and so have I. I'm just looking at what else I can do.

I'm hoping with her being in high school, they will listen to what she says and if he takes me to court, they won't make her go to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:50

EmuFace · 01/12/2024 17:46

If he has PR, which I assume he does, the school is in a difficult position without a court order or social care involvement. OP, you need to get the police involved.

This is what I've read online, and it worries me so much.

I'm just on hold to 101. I've not gotten much faith, though. He never got charged for abusing me in the past.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 01/12/2024 17:50

You can make a report to the police online giving all the details. I am glad you are informing the safeguarding lead at school. You can also report ex to social services by phone and follow up with an email. Keep copies of everything and keep a diary.
Only communicate with ex by text or email.

Original poster
Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:52

endofthelinefinally · 01/12/2024 17:50

You can make a report to the police online giving all the details. I am glad you are informing the safeguarding lead at school. You can also report ex to social services by phone and follow up with an email. Keep copies of everything and keep a diary.
Only communicate with ex by text or email.

I've blocked his number now. I don't want any further contact from him and neither does my child. I'm just hoping I can do something that will stop him.

OP posts:
EmuFace · 01/12/2024 17:53

Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:50

This is what I've read online, and it worries me so much.

I'm just on hold to 101. I've not gotten much faith, though. He never got charged for abusing me in the past.

Show quote history

I’m a DSL so can confirm. You could also contact your local Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH) tomorrow morning - they do out of hours too. See what the police say. I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this.

endofthelinefinally · 01/12/2024 17:56

OP who told you hitting a child is legal in England? It is a bit more nuanced than that.

Original poster
Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:58

EmuFace · 01/12/2024 17:53

I’m a DSL so can confirm. You could also contact your local Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH) tomorrow morning - they do out of hours too. See what the police say. I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this.

Show quote history

I will search for the MASH team. Thank you!

It's very difficult. But, my daughter is a string minded one, and she's been amazing!

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 01/12/2024 17:58

Yes he has PR yes he can just turn up but what's he going to do drag her out of school? My son refused to go with his dad age 7 he stood in the school and refused to leave ex went to put his hand through the door to grab him they said sorry no you can't do that he had to leave and ds waited in after school club for me to get there they were quite serious in saying if he had grabbed and dragged him they would have called the police

EmuFace · 01/12/2024 18:01

Bless her - and you. You’ve done the right thing contacting the DSL at DD’s school. If he turns up there - and I bet he doesn’t because he won’t have the balls to tangle with the school - they will hedge and play for time while they phone you. That’s what we would do. Speak to them
in the morning.

AlertCat · 01/12/2024 19:08

School will have a special safeguarding email address- log it there.
also report to the police.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 01/12/2024 19:29

I honestly can't imagine a secondary school sending a child out of school with a father who doesn't have residency. We often demand evidence from parents we know about where they are going.
Apart from anything else kids are supposed to be in school learning stuff. I think you and your daughter need a proper strategy for if he does turn up at the school.
She is allowed to say she won't see him in school. It's worth making sure she knows this. If anyone from the office tries to collect her from a lesson I would recommend that she refuses to go with them. But emphasise that she must be very calm and polite. In my school that would make sure everyone knew about the issue!

EnFlique · 01/12/2024 20:10

You can both apply for a non-molestation order against him.
your local domestic abuse service, the police, a solicitor or the NCDV will be able to advise and support with this.

TipsyJoker · 01/12/2024 20:14

Report your concerns to social services. Get your daughters views and wishes recorded. She is old enough to have a say in decisions which affect her. It’s good you’re telling the school and reporting to the police. Your daughter can tell the police he hit her and she is afraid of him. She’s old enough and you say she’s strong willed. You’re doing the right thing. I would also report his abuse of you again. This is post separation abuse threatening you is a crime. It’s threatening and abusive behaviour and coercive control. Since he has previous it shows a pattern of behaviour every time you report him and eventually they will have to take some kind of action. You can also apply for a non-mol. I would make sure your doors are kept locked and if he turns up, don’t answer and contact the police immediately. They should be able to put a tag on your address if you contact them now so that they will respond as a priority if you call them.

Original poster
Apples189 · 01/12/2024 21:54

Sorry for the late update. I've had a movie night with my daughters.

The police are coming tomorrow and have asked to speak with my daughter at school. I absolutely do not mind this obviously and have told them of course. I'll be waiting there if she needs me. They could of come tonight, but I thought it may have been too much for my daughter with all that went on tonight. He was also messaging her too.

I've received a bucket load of more abuse from him off a different number. Believe it or not, he's even made disgusting comments against my older child now, too. I have asked the police if I can apply for some kind of injunction against him. It does sound like I will be able to get one judging by the officers' comments and his previous DV against me. I uploaded all the messages on the online log for them to see.

I'm hoping he's finally going to suffer for what he's done. He's got away with for too long.

I'll update tomorrow! Thanks everyone 🙂 it's nice to be listened to.

OP posts: