Ex hit DD and now threatening to turn up at school

[Apples189]

I hope I've posted this in the right place! I'm in desperate need of help.

My ex partner has smacked my 11 year old. It happened on holiday, whilst abroad at the beginning of August. She's refused to see him since then, and I will not allow her to go back to his house. He took away her phone after he hit her, so she couldn't call me.

He has a very toxic relationship with his partner. My child has told me about their constant arguing in front of her. She's overheard his partner calling her during arguments and has also told me his partner isn't very nice to her when her father isn't there. Her father thinks she is lying and will deny it to me when I have raised it with him. I just receive abuse and threats each time. He was physically abusive to me when we were in a relationship. I got away from him, but I never thought he'd do this to our child. The police issued an injunction for DV, so they are aware of past behaviour.

Tonight, he has threatened to come to my home to make her speak to him. He has told her he will turn up at her high school to make her talk to him. She has clearly told him multiple times and explained that she can not take his behaviour anymore and she doesn't want contact with him. I now know all of what was happening. She was too scared to tell me before this. He tells her he will get rid of her bedroom and she isn't getting Christmas presents if she doesn't see him. I've received a lot of abuse off of him tonight, and I've just had enough. He's saying to my daughter that he believes she isn't safe! It's just another tool to manipulate her. He isn't going to stop till he gets what he wants.

What can I do here? I obviously will keep her safe. But he's threatening to go to her high school, and I'm so worried. So is she. Can the police do anything about this?

I never reported him hitting her at the time, as I was told it's not illegal in England, and nothing will be done. So I stopped contact as my daughter wanted. I will not allow him anywhere near her. I will admit that I thought I'd be able to handle this myself. But, I realise now he's threatening to go to her school, I won't be there to keep her safe.

His family all believe I've poisoned our child against him, and he's this amazing person. His mother saw strangle marks around my neck when he did them, and she still defends him. His partner seems just as bad as him. So I can't speak to any of them about this.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you!

He would have had serious charges against him by now if he was in Scotland .

Really don’t feel he would he allowed access if it went to court . Judges listen to kids from 11 abs under these circumstances who would send a scared child.

Hope the order goes through soon for you both .
It will be hard work but don’t show weakness . You can do it .

I read the Scotland law. They really need to make it law in England. There's never a reason to put your hands on your child.

Does anyone know if they require me to attend a hearing, will my daughter need to attend court?

They can record her testimony and play the video in court or they can have her in another room and stream the live feed I to the courtroom. They can also put up screens in the courtroom so she doesn’t have to see him if they don’t agree to a recorded testimony or live feed from another room.

Please be careful it doesn’t escalate and record everything.

as for court I’m sure children don’t have too as it’s to traumatic for them if abuse is involved, but be aware of cafcass as they are all for the fathers even abusive ones having contact. Hopefully if it goes to court she’ll be old enough to decide

This is true. Cafcass are horrendous abuse enablers.

We are still going through the non molestation process. My solicitor was on annual leave.

They've opened an assault charge against him for hitting her. I feel sick as I know social services will be involved now, which gives him more ammunition to throw abuse at me.

My car and my home were damaged over the weekend. I have no evidence it is something to do with him, but I know it is. It's not a coincidence. He also called the police and reported me for abusing my child and asked for a welfare check as he didn't believe she was safe with me. It's backfired as now he has an assult charge on him. They won't do anything about him harassing my child due to "parental rights". If they force contact, I'm going to pack our things and leave. I'm not having this abusive man near my child again.

I just feel sick about everything. I feel he's going to just get away with it like he has done for years.

You must report the damage, even if you have no evidence at the moment. It might be helpful in future. You might be able to look into any cctv or ring doorbell footage.

For custody . Your child’s views would be listened too.
Usually the judge would speak to your child privately in a quiet space . .
Then the judge would address both parents in th court room.

It’s good that he reported you and the police deemed the child to be safe. It shows he is using the system to abuse you. It’s shows that your child is safe in your care. Get some kind of ring doorbell immediately. Report the damage to your car and home to the police. Tell them you suspect it was him and ask them to find out if any neighbours have ring doorbells or saw anything. You never know, there might even be cctv that caught him in the vicinity of your house.

I know how hard it is. I’ve been in your position but fleeing with your child is a very, very bad idea. You will be found. It’s virtually impossible to stay hidden with cctv and tracking of money these days. And when they find you, he will say you abducted your child and you will be in very big trouble. They might even take your child from you and place her with her Dad permanently.

Do you have abusive texts from him? Have you reported them to the police? If not, you should. Tell them you want to speak with a DA trained officer and ask for an IDVA. Report and record everything. You need to show a pattern of abuse.

Speak to women’s aid who can help you navigate this. The good thing is that your child is older now than when he last dragged you through court and as such she has a voice. They will take her views into account now and they can’t really make a child that age have contact with her dad if she doesn’t want to. She can vote with her feet. You don’t need to force her to see him, you just need to make her available for contact. If she says she’s not going then there’s not much the courts can do.

one thing at a time .

He sounds like he will keep upping his harassment op so….
Keep reporting it I mean eventually it will
come to a head but how long can you put up with this ? Are you strong enough to fight back and keep reporting for a long period of time. ?

For sure report your damaged property and tell the police what’s going on and your suspicions.

Can I say though if I was in your shoes I’d get up and leave too .

Maybe you have to ask yourself if buying the house is a good thing ?
If you left where yours you relocate too ?
I’d the judge refused custody what then ?

Also, use the school. Get reports from them which confirm you’re a safe parent and that they are concerned about her dad. Get them to get support for your daughter in place and have reports done on that. Use these to back up your allegations and your daughters version of events in court. Courts want solid evidence from official bodies like schools, social work, etc. Work with social work. Invite them in to your home and be honest about your fears. Let them talk to your daughter. Tell them about the abuse you’ve both went through at his hands and show them any texts etc of his being abusive. Ask them to support your daughter because you’ve been trying to and you welcome any help you can get for her.

What I mean is if the judge refuses him access.
What is likely to be the back lash ?

Make sure you lawyer mentions everything

The fact your child is old enough to clearly voice her views, his past DV and evidence , your texts and abuse by phone you have received and hitting a child of her age - would not be deemed ok in a family court. I worked for family court some years back and for a child at secondary this is certainly not deemed appropriate. Get the evidence you need and the non molestation order and then look
to file for a prohibited steps order with legal.

Report the damage to the police and get a report reference number.

Keep everything. Every email, text, message, voicemail. Keep a journal of everything that happens. Make a detailed folder.

Evidence matters.

I've reported damage, and they are checking cctv. But they even admitted it's a little suspect how it's happened now when I have lived here for years and never had any problems. I've got cameras at home, but they have their hoods up, but it clearly shows them going straight to my house and to my car.

I will carry on fighting for as long as I need to. I don't think he will go for custody as he only bothered to see her for less than 24 hours a week. He will continue to try social services and other things, though.

I've got ahead of it somewhat now and informed all the relevant people. But due to his PR, it seems its acceptable to harrass his child and cause her upset and worry. He even went as far as posting a card through my door on the weekend, and that shook her up. The police will not do anything due to PR, and there's no court order.

I'm really, really hoping the judge allows the non molestation because he will not stop. I asked the police to help support the order. They are coming out again tomorrow to speak to my daughter as he keeps ringing her whilst she's a school off different numbers. I'll be changing her number today.

I just can't understand how he can get away with all of this. How far does he have to go? If I have to go to court, I've got my solicitor and my brother in case he tries anything towards me. But I just feel sick about all of this. My daughter is being a trooper! She'sbeing amazing, but I'm filled with anxiety.

Can you speak to your lawyer and ask how to go about getting his parental rights removed from him ? I don’t know much about that but it’s a question to ask your lawyer .

Only a judge can legally stop him. But, it's whether he will even listen to that. He will make our lives hell.

How old is your dd? Can she divorce him or is that just an American thing, kids legally separating themselves from their parents? Try calling www.rightsofwomen.org.Uk for free qualified advice.

Can your daughter get her own restraining order against him. I’d be looking into that as he’s harassing and stalking her which would be against the law if a stranger and even an ex so why is it different if it’s your child.

stripping someone’s parental rights is hard and very rarely done sorry.

That’s what I mean . Take it to court to have them removed .

They would be unlikely to remove parental rights unless there was extreme circumstances. This is awful but I don’t think they would remove parental rights over this. They can listen to her wishes and not make her have contact with him though. And she can take out a non mol against him too.

I feel sick as I know social services will be involved now, which gives him more ammunition to throw abuse at me.

They were always going to be involved from the moment you told school he hit her and this is a good thing. It's all evidence that you are being proactive in trying to protect your child. SS will see that.

He will throw abuse at you with the slightest excuse, so that's not a reason to not have done it.

Can you keep blocking every number he rings from, his family when they contact you etc? Give your DD a cheap phone with a new sim as a temporary measure, and she leaves her phone at home and off until you turn it on, filter and make a record of the messages, block the latest numbers and let her have an hour or two on WhatsApp with her friends before it gets turned off again for the night?

If you didn't know, you can block numbers on a bt landline. Dial 1572 after the call to block the number.

My advice is to call the police every time he does. He’s already getting a reputation. They’re going to get sick of hearing from you, so they will start acting on it.

I'm honestly just deflated and angry.

Police closed the assult charge because it happened abroad. So they dragged my child through 2x interviews, which she hated doing. So, if you want to hit your kids, go abroad and do it because nothing will be done about it!!
He gets away with everything. Everything he has done, he's got away with.

How the hell can I fully protect my child if they won't do anything? SS are not getting involved as I've stopped contact and will not allow her to return to him. I've done all the right things they said! I've told them he will not stop abusing us or harrassing us. I just have to ring the police. It's not like we've been protected so far, is it. I can have some kind of instant response put on my home.

So, our last hope really is the non molestation order.

It seems this man has to kill us or something for anyone to give a shit.

Sorry, I'm just so angry at all of this.

This so the reason scotland are so strict on DV
women were getting killed. .
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. .
Its tough .

Are you able to think about a whole re location ?
Only you will know your circumstances if you would benefit from it and if it’s so able .

It’s still good you have reported everything as o said befroe keep doing so at every worng turn he makes. .

How long befroe you find out about the orde being granted or not ?