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Original poster

Ex hit DD and now threatening to turn up at school

89 replies

Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:25

I hope I've posted this in the right place! I'm in desperate need of help.

My ex partner has smacked my 11 year old. It happened on holiday, whilst abroad at the beginning of August. She's refused to see him since then, and I will not allow her to go back to his house. He took away her phone after he hit her, so she couldn't call me.

He has a very toxic relationship with his partner. My child has told me about their constant arguing in front of her. She's overheard his partner calling her during arguments and has also told me his partner isn't very nice to her when her father isn't there. Her father thinks she is lying and will deny it to me when I have raised it with him. I just receive abuse and threats each time. He was physically abusive to me when we were in a relationship. I got away from him, but I never thought he'd do this to our child. The police issued an injunction for DV, so they are aware of past behaviour.

Tonight, he has threatened to come to my home to make her speak to him. He has told her he will turn up at her high school to make her talk to him. She has clearly told him multiple times and explained that she can not take his behaviour anymore and she doesn't want contact with him. I now know all of what was happening. She was too scared to tell me before this. He tells her he will get rid of her bedroom and she isn't getting Christmas presents if she doesn't see him. I've received a lot of abuse off of him tonight, and I've just had enough. He's saying to my daughter that he believes she isn't safe! It's just another tool to manipulate her. He isn't going to stop till he gets what he wants.

What can I do here? I obviously will keep her safe. But he's threatening to go to her high school, and I'm so worried. So is she. Can the police do anything about this?

I never reported him hitting her at the time, as I was told it's not illegal in England, and nothing will be done. So I stopped contact as my daughter wanted. I will not allow him anywhere near her. I will admit that I thought I'd be able to handle this myself. But, I realise now he's threatening to go to her school, I won't be there to keep her safe.

His family all believe I've poisoned our child against him, and he's this amazing person. His mother saw strangle marks around my neck when he did them, and she still defends him. His partner seems just as bad as him. So I can't speak to any of them about this.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/12/2024 22:13
Flowers
fashionqueen0123 · 01/12/2024 22:18

Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:45

I'm just terrified if he is allowed to leave with her. She is scared of him. I had to follow her around at Halloween in my car as she was scared he'd turn up and take her.

He tried a stunt like this in primary, and they advised me they couldn't stop him as there's no court order? I'll find out from the School tomorrow. They are fantastic in every way, so I'm sure they'll support me in each way they can.

Show quote history

They can delay things until you arrive. He won’t know where she is in the school and she could refuse to leave the premises and have them call you if he appeared at the gates or something.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 02/12/2024 05:35

Op you are doing all the right things. I would send another email on Monday morning telling the school that a complaint has been filed with the police.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 02/12/2024 06:06

Check that he isn’t able to see where she is on Snapchat / find my phone etc….

orangesonatree · 02/12/2024 07:30

Please update us OP. Sending you hugs x

HurdyGurdy19 · 02/12/2024 08:04

endofthelinefinally · 01/12/2024 17:56

OP who told you hitting a child is legal in England? It is a bit more nuanced than that.

If he's "smacked" her, saying that is the punishment at his house, then I believe it's classed as "reasonable punishment" or maybe "lawful chastisement".

Thinking back to my time in our MASH, I think it was acceptable (in law) as long as the strike didn't leave a mark. Things may have changed since then though.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 02/12/2024 08:21

Smacking a child isn’t illegal as long as it doesn’t leave a mark.

That doesn’t make it ok, and doesn’t mean the child shouldn’t be able to refuse to see the abusive prick though.

OP I would be inclined to speak to a solicitor as well. The fact there isn’t a court order is both good and bad in equal measure.

The fact there isn’t a court order means that for now she can refuse to go with him and you can refuse to make her available.

But while in theory the courts aren’t going to make her see him, in reality, they can absolutely award him contact, and then you would be the one in the firing line if she doesn’t go - for breaking the court order.

The hope is they would award no contact, but I would pre-empt that just in case they do. This may be possible e.g. through a non mol or an injunction or similar. But I would speak to a solicitor who will be able to provide more clarification.

Original poster
Apples189 · 03/12/2024 04:55

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 02/12/2024 08:21

Smacking a child isn’t illegal as long as it doesn’t leave a mark.

That doesn’t make it ok, and doesn’t mean the child shouldn’t be able to refuse to see the abusive prick though.

OP I would be inclined to speak to a solicitor as well. The fact there isn’t a court order is both good and bad in equal measure.

The fact there isn’t a court order means that for now she can refuse to go with him and you can refuse to make her available.

But while in theory the courts aren’t going to make her see him, in reality, they can absolutely award him contact, and then you would be the one in the firing line if she doesn’t go - for breaking the court order.

The hope is they would award no contact, but I would pre-empt that just in case they do. This may be possible e.g. through a non mol or an injunction or similar. But I would speak to a solicitor who will be able to provide more clarification.

He pulled her up by the arm and smacked her very hard across her bottom. He took her phone away so she couldn't contact me.

If the courts give him any contact, I'm willing to pack up and run. I'll continue running for as long as I can. We are moving house soon and I won't be telling him where we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Apples189 · 03/12/2024 05:07

Sorry for the late reply. I can't sleep! It's been a hectic day.

School have been fantastic and have removed him from their forms as a contact and will make sure he doesn't get to her. Police, they have to go and speak to him. He seems to just get away with everything, so I've not got a lot of faith in this at all.

I've had some messages off his family. They are his biggest enablers and obviously believe I have lied, and I've poisoned my child's mind. Even though my child has told them herself why she doesn't want to see him and I've shown them evidence of his abuse.

I'm not exactly sure where I go from here. I've put everything on the police report. The solicitor is looking at the non molestation order. I was thinking of ringing social services to see if they can help me.

Does anyone know if he takes me to court, the fact my child does not want contact due to him hitting her, will this be listened to? She is very adamant that she doesn't want to see him again, which I'll never make her do anyway. But, she has got messages of his attempted manipulation and her directly telling him the reasons why she doesn't want to see him and for him to leave her alone. She's in year 7. Will the court still force her to go even alongside him hitting her?

Regarding it leaving a mark. They were abroad. I never knew it happened till she got home and broke down crying, asking me never to send her back there. He took her phone away so she couldn't tell me what he did whilst away. So the mark would've gone. My child says there was a mark as it hurt her. His partners teenage son witnessed it, but from what I know, he's scared of his mother. So he may be reluctant to speak.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/12/2024 05:20

Given her age what she wants should carry some weight in court, the biggest stumbling block might be if he can convince a judge/cafcas it's your influence not his actions causing this. On the smack are you it depends on what country you're in smacking is banned in Scotland and Wales but legal in England and Northern Irealand if it constitutes reasonable chastisement. childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/the-law-on-smacking-children/#:~:text=What%20is%20the%20law%20on,not%20defined%20in%20this%20legislation

mnreader · 03/12/2024 05:22

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EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/12/2024 05:32

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She's 11 not yet a teen, they will consider her views but how much weight theyre given depends on a few things at that age including whether cafcas or the judge think she understands the decision she's making and whether they feel she will benefit from contact wirh her father, there's always a risk in family court proceedings. The older she gets the more she'll be listened to. If there wasn't a risk he'd try to force things the best option could be to leave it up to him take it to court as the process can be long and the older she gets the better the chance they'll listen to her.

Original poster
Apples189 · 03/12/2024 05:32

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/12/2024 05:20

Given her age what she wants should carry some weight in court, the biggest stumbling block might be if he can convince a judge/cafcas it's your influence not his actions causing this. On the smack are you it depends on what country you're in smacking is banned in Scotland and Wales but legal in England and Northern Irealand if it constitutes reasonable chastisement. childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/the-law-on-smacking-children/#:~:text=What%20is%20the%20law%20on,not%20defined%20in%20this%20legislation

I'm in England, unfortunately! How the hell is the legal I will never know.

I do not think he will take me to court. He may do to put stress on me more than anything. He only sees my child for less than 24 hours a week. (I stopped contact at the beginning of August) So I can't see him going for access when he couldn't be bothered to see her more previously when she asked to.

I hope the non-molestation is approved, and I can breathe a little easier.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/12/2024 05:45

Apples189 · 03/12/2024 05:32

I'm in England, unfortunately! How the hell is the legal I will never know.

I do not think he will take me to court. He may do to put stress on me more than anything. He only sees my child for less than 24 hours a week. (I stopped contact at the beginning of August) So I can't see him going for access when he couldn't be bothered to see her more previously when she asked to.

I hope the non-molestation is approved, and I can breathe a little easier.

Show quote history

My ex has smacked our kids in the past and I was really shocked when I found out what he'd done wasn't illegal as long as it fell under reasonable chastisement. An adult hitting a child should never be considered reasonable and I can't see any real difference between hitting and smacking, its just semantics. Everything crossed for you both that the non-molestation gets approved so you are all safe from him and can feel safe too.

Original poster
Apples189 · 03/12/2024 06:02

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/12/2024 05:45

My ex has smacked our kids in the past and I was really shocked when I found out what he'd done wasn't illegal as long as it fell under reasonable chastisement. An adult hitting a child should never be considered reasonable and I can't see any real difference between hitting and smacking, its just semantics. Everything crossed for you both that the non-molestation gets approved so you are all safe from him and can feel safe too.

Show quote history

When I raised it with him, I told him that there is never a good enough reason to put your hands on your child. He just replied that he won't take parenting advice from me and just becomes abusive.

I'm hoping my house purchase comes through ASAP because he will not know where we live. I have cameras up at my current home, so he will be seen if he turns up here. I have a teenager, and he's said vile things about her on messages, too. He's just an awful person. People like him should not be allowed near children. I'm just school are being great about this. Least I know she's safe at school.

OP posts:
EmuFace · 03/12/2024 06:08

Well done Apples. I'm sure that they will listen to your daughter. What a vile and horrible man. Wishing you luck xx

Original poster
Apples189 · 04/12/2024 09:00

The non molestation order was submitted yesterday. I'm so anxious now!

OP posts:
WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 04/12/2024 10:13

Good luck x

NordicwithTeen · 04/12/2024 10:17

Get a camera doorbell. Evidence will go a long way with Police and Courts.

EvelynBeatrice · 04/12/2024 10:30

Record everything! You need to build your evidence base. Maybe Ask school for counselling for your daughter / pay for it if you have to and take yourself out of equation so they can’t say it’s you influencing her.

Ifitaintgotnoswing · 04/12/2024 10:35

Keep strong and good luck!

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/12/2024 11:02

Apples189 · 01/12/2024 17:25

I hope I've posted this in the right place! I'm in desperate need of help.

My ex partner has smacked my 11 year old. It happened on holiday, whilst abroad at the beginning of August. She's refused to see him since then, and I will not allow her to go back to his house. He took away her phone after he hit her, so she couldn't call me.

He has a very toxic relationship with his partner. My child has told me about their constant arguing in front of her. She's overheard his partner calling her during arguments and has also told me his partner isn't very nice to her when her father isn't there. Her father thinks she is lying and will deny it to me when I have raised it with him. I just receive abuse and threats each time. He was physically abusive to me when we were in a relationship. I got away from him, but I never thought he'd do this to our child. The police issued an injunction for DV, so they are aware of past behaviour.

Tonight, he has threatened to come to my home to make her speak to him. He has told her he will turn up at her high school to make her talk to him. She has clearly told him multiple times and explained that she can not take his behaviour anymore and she doesn't want contact with him. I now know all of what was happening. She was too scared to tell me before this. He tells her he will get rid of her bedroom and she isn't getting Christmas presents if she doesn't see him. I've received a lot of abuse off of him tonight, and I've just had enough. He's saying to my daughter that he believes she isn't safe! It's just another tool to manipulate her. He isn't going to stop till he gets what he wants.

What can I do here? I obviously will keep her safe. But he's threatening to go to her high school, and I'm so worried. So is she. Can the police do anything about this?

I never reported him hitting her at the time, as I was told it's not illegal in England, and nothing will be done. So I stopped contact as my daughter wanted. I will not allow him anywhere near her. I will admit that I thought I'd be able to handle this myself. But, I realise now he's threatening to go to her school, I won't be there to keep her safe.

His family all believe I've poisoned our child against him, and he's this amazing person. His mother saw strangle marks around my neck when he did them, and she still defends him. His partner seems just as bad as him. So I can't speak to any of them about this.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you!

Contact the school. Contact social work . Contact a lawyer. .
Ask the lawyer if your daughter can get some sort of injunction out on him too ?

If he took this to court no judge would force an 11yr old on visits , never mind with all you have listed going on.

Also speak to the police .

Don’t let yourself or your Dd be vulnerable to this man.

Original poster
Apples189 · 04/12/2024 15:15

EvelynBeatrice · 04/12/2024 10:30

Record everything! You need to build your evidence base. Maybe Ask school for counselling for your daughter / pay for it if you have to and take yourself out of equation so they can’t say it’s you influencing her.

I've allowed the police and school to speak to her without me present so he couldn't use that excuse to anyone. It won't stop him, though.

OP posts:
IdaGlossop · 04/12/2024 15:22

endofthelinefinally · 01/12/2024 17:56

OP who told you hitting a child is legal in England? It is a bit more nuanced than that.

I think the OP is thinking of the fact that it is not illegal to physically discipline children in England. That doesn't mean it's OK to assault a child.

Original poster
Apples189 · 04/12/2024 15:23

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/12/2024 11:02

Contact the school. Contact social work . Contact a lawyer. .
Ask the lawyer if your daughter can get some sort of injunction out on him too ?

If he took this to court no judge would force an 11yr old on visits , never mind with all you have listed going on.

Also speak to the police .

Don’t let yourself or your Dd be vulnerable to this man.

Show quote history

The non molestation order has been requested for me and both my children. He can't go near our home, school or work and he can't contact us either. I'm hoping this goes through. If it doesn't, I have no clue what to do. Every time I phoned the police on him, he just got a slap on the wrist. Even when he strangled me, he only got a 30-day injunction. So I've just not got a lot of hope in the justice system, to be honest.

The school is being great and has removed him from contacts and will not let him take her. I've also got my brother staying with me for a little while. I'm looking at going away for Christmas so we can enjoy it without him potentially causing any problems. It's just extremely stressful at the moment!

OP posts: