What would you think about this?

[NotSureAboutThisWhatDoYouThink]

I'll he honest. I do have some self esteem issues. I find it difficult to tell when something is the sort of thing other people would be bothered about (eg reasonable) or whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill (eg unreasonable).

I find that other people saying how they would feel/what they would do helps to get a clearer perspective, if that makes sense?

Until last weekend, I hadn't been out socially since August. Before then, I went out every Saturday night but I just lost my confidence - almost overnight. Some of it was, I suspect, down to perimenipause (I'm 49) and some of it was because I felt that, when I went out, my partner would 'forget' about me. Eg we would arrive together and he'd spend time with me but, once people he knew had arrived, he would wander off to chat and I wouldn't really see him again.

I had a thread in the summer about it and whilst some people felt I should just follow him, tag along and join in conversations with people I didn't know, the majority agreed that it was a bit off of him to leave me on my own.

We had a conversation about it. I gave examples of times when it had happened and how it made me feel. He apologised unreservedly and said he'd been selfish and hadn't seen it from my perspective and promised to "do better."

So, last weekend, we went to a gig. It's one of the things we like(d) to do together. It was an all day thing with 5 or 6 bands on from early afternoon until late evening but we were both really looking forward to seeing the headline band - they're one of my favourites.

The whole day was absolutely fine.

Just before the last band played, we both went to the loo at the same time. The toilets are located at the back of the main room, up some stairs and along a short corridor (in case it matters). As we went in, he said, "I'll see you here in a minute," and gestured towards a specific area meaning outside the toilets.

I came out and waited for him. I didn't really have much sense of the time, but was probably only there for 5/10 mins or so. There were a lot of people we both knew, so I assumed he must have got talking to someone. So I waited. I didn't want to leave in case he came put and thought I was still in the loo and waited himself - given that he said he'd "do better" before.

Eventually, his friend's wife came up to the loo and told me he was downstairs chatting to her husband.

I went down and there he was. No longer chatting but waiting for the band to start. And completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn't there.

When I asked him about it, he said he'd got talking to someone in the loos (a stranger) about the bands and they walked out, past the place we were supposed to meet, still talking, and went downstairs - still talking. He then left the stranger and started talking to is friend and had completely forgotten about me. Just forgotten I was even there to fhe point me not being there didn't remind him.

It really soured it for me. It was the first time I'd been out with him in months and the first opportunity he'd had to consider me. And he forgot about me. Forgot I was even there.

Am I being over sensitive about this or is it something I actually should be concerned about?

And before anyone makes this point - yes, I'm quite capable of going to the loo on my own but, at that point, we had both gone at the same time so he said we'd wait for each other and go back down together.

Thanks.

Op my exh used to do this to me. Just forget I was around. He once popped to his parents to drop something off quickly and left me and the kids in the car for a quick minute while he run in. Minutes tucked by before I realised once again he had forgot about us. I got out the car with our dc and walked home. He arrived about half an hour later and he still hadn't twigged that he'd actually left the house with us.

My exh was just a self centred prat who was incredibly self absorbed. He could be very attentive and caring but even that was self serving, keeping me sweet so I'd doubt myself when I called out his selfish behaviour .

That feeling of someone just forgetting you is awful. So cold. You feel so uncared for in that moment. And when it's from someone who's supposed to love and cherish you it hits harder. It made me doubt every relationship I had.

I agree with your first paragraph but I also wonder how much I could change it now because I completely believe my experience. Logically, it all makes sense so I'd have to completely reject all of my beliefs and experiences but they would also still be there.

Your experiences and feelings are valid, but not necessarily all true. Would the thoughts you have be true about someone else, or just you?

Reach out to a few therapists and see, I would. I have been immensely helped by some different things, after finding classic psychodynamic talking therapy useless for me. There is hope, but finding the right tool is key.

This is how DH treats me. I have put on a lot of weight and my mobility has been affected and he walks miles ahead, says he will wait but then isn't where he said we'll meet. When I look good he waits for me, puts his arms around me. It all depends on how I look to my DH. If someone better looking turns up he ignores me to talk to them. I just do my own thing now until I can leave. I've always been fobbed off as too sensitive until I found people on social media who described these behaviours and how men think that validated what I felt in my heart but was hushed by those 'sensible logical equality' minded women. In reality men are more shallow than women and as a woman I noticed how losing my looks affected everything with men even the so called nice men as soon as there is a better looking woman i'm invisible again or a prop to impress or reach the better looking woman.

Some people don't matter and there's nothing that can be done about that.

Well, this is true. Most people don't matter, except to themselves and a few of the people they interact with. I only matter to my mum, who won't be around for much longer, and my brother: I don't matter very much to him either!

I still have a place in this world, though. We all do. I know I bring little bits of pleasure, help, comfort, entertainment and annoyance to other people's lives. My actions affect the planet I live on and the people I do business with.

I am the unique product of over two million years of human evolution. Going back all the way, an organism four billion years ago successfully reproduced itself; in every generation after that, one survived against incredible odds and reproduced. Four million millions of years, millions of organisms passing their genes down the line, to eventually create me. I am a fucking miracle! And so are you.

It sounds like your concept of "mattering" is to be the central focus of someone else's unwavering, unconditionally positive attention. That's being a god, not a human. I'm sure you'll say no, I don't get it, your not-mattering is a deeper and more special experience than mine or anyone else's. And if you did feel that for a moment, you were feeling like a god - an abandoned or forgotten god, perhaps, but you weren't accepting your humanity. Because to exist as a human - or as a flower or a fish - is to exist as an organism that is the incredible result of four billion years' worth of ancestry, special in its own right, and also one of billions of other organisms amazingly alive at this time.

Why would I need somebody else - someone who also exists as a unique but commonplace entity in our times - to find me THE MOST special, THE MOST beautiful or any other MOST? I'm not. Someone else is more special, more beautiful, more intelligent, taller, funnier, stronger, more athletic and healthier than me. why should this bother me? I'm still unique and commonplace, same as all those others. So are you.

~~ ~~ ~~

The guy who took you to the ballet was a misogynist and an abuser.

He's a misogynist because he was unable to view the dancer's art without sexually objectifying her.

He's an abuser because he knew of your desperate need to be seen as the most beautiful or the only beautiful, so he went out of his way to upset you by raving about another women's beauty.

@Garlicpest you're so biological and matter of fact when you're talking about op's needs for her partner to not stand her up, to look out for her and to act as a couple publicly but for the ballet dancer, that same biological cold scientific argument is out of the window when you could have extended it to the ballerina and his reaction as primal and natural when we are animals here to produce and objectifying and sexualising a lithe probably young woman repeatedly lifting her legs up in a tiny tutu is a very natural and expected consequence.

I think the replies gaslighting op and minimising her pain and perception is an avoidant reaction, probably resentful of a woman wanting validation and acknowledgement of a man making this her fault when it's natural to be upset. To be clear, i fully believe the comments are given well intended but i think people are gaslighting op because they gaslight themselves too about these interactions and feel uncomfortable by people like op showing their needy vulnerable side which we all have and what makes people stick together and develop communities. It's not bad or overly sensitive to want and expect that your partner should want to be with you and look out for you. It's like tiny insignificant lies here and there making you not believing a person, being let down and stood up in little ways is insignificant if this is someone you see rarely but with a person you see frequently or live with it builds up as: this is an unreliable flaky selfish person who is inconsiderate and doesn't keep up his words, i cannot trust him.

@LouiseErrr I have never shrugged off OP's partner 'forgetting' about her. It's a strange and hurtful behaviour.

What I and others have tried to explore in more detail is OP's tragically low self-worth and intense need for validation of her existence, which in her mind is connected to being beautiful. The two things are separate and, ultimately, her self-worth has to come from her understanding of her own right to exist comfortably. Others may find her attractive but there'll always be someone more beautiful. Beautiful or not, we exist and are valuable.

In any case, OP seems sadly unable to engage with discussion about this. Your own reply's so weird I'm not even going to bother trying to answer.