What would you think about this?

[NotSureAboutThisWhatDoYouThink]

I'll he honest. I do have some self esteem issues. I find it difficult to tell when something is the sort of thing other people would be bothered about (eg reasonable) or whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill (eg unreasonable).

I find that other people saying how they would feel/what they would do helps to get a clearer perspective, if that makes sense?

Until last weekend, I hadn't been out socially since August. Before then, I went out every Saturday night but I just lost my confidence - almost overnight. Some of it was, I suspect, down to perimenipause (I'm 49) and some of it was because I felt that, when I went out, my partner would 'forget' about me. Eg we would arrive together and he'd spend time with me but, once people he knew had arrived, he would wander off to chat and I wouldn't really see him again.

I had a thread in the summer about it and whilst some people felt I should just follow him, tag along and join in conversations with people I didn't know, the majority agreed that it was a bit off of him to leave me on my own.

We had a conversation about it. I gave examples of times when it had happened and how it made me feel. He apologised unreservedly and said he'd been selfish and hadn't seen it from my perspective and promised to "do better."

So, last weekend, we went to a gig. It's one of the things we like(d) to do together. It was an all day thing with 5 or 6 bands on from early afternoon until late evening but we were both really looking forward to seeing the headline band - they're one of my favourites.

The whole day was absolutely fine.

Just before the last band played, we both went to the loo at the same time. The toilets are located at the back of the main room, up some stairs and along a short corridor (in case it matters). As we went in, he said, "I'll see you here in a minute," and gestured towards a specific area meaning outside the toilets.

I came out and waited for him. I didn't really have much sense of the time, but was probably only there for 5/10 mins or so. There were a lot of people we both knew, so I assumed he must have got talking to someone. So I waited. I didn't want to leave in case he came put and thought I was still in the loo and waited himself - given that he said he'd "do better" before.

Eventually, his friend's wife came up to the loo and told me he was downstairs chatting to her husband.

I went down and there he was. No longer chatting but waiting for the band to start. And completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn't there.

When I asked him about it, he said he'd got talking to someone in the loos (a stranger) about the bands and they walked out, past the place we were supposed to meet, still talking, and went downstairs - still talking. He then left the stranger and started talking to is friend and had completely forgotten about me. Just forgotten I was even there to fhe point me not being there didn't remind him.

It really soured it for me. It was the first time I'd been out with him in months and the first opportunity he'd had to consider me. And he forgot about me. Forgot I was even there.

Am I being over sensitive about this or is it something I actually should be concerned about?

And before anyone makes this point - yes, I'm quite capable of going to the loo on my own but, at that point, we had both gone at the same time so he said we'd wait for each other and go back down together.

Thanks.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand this seeming overreaction. So he was chatting to someone and wandered past your meeting point, so what?

I can't imagine needing someone to shepherd me around like that, and I'd be really irritated if my husband demanded it of me.

After a few minutes of waiting at most I'd have gone back to the gig and assumed we'd find each other again at some point.

I've done so much work on myself over the years to build my self esteem but it's amounted to nothing.

12 months ago, I was in a band myself, playing gigs etc. I'd been with them for for 7 or 8 years. I've performed publicly as a hobby for the last 20 years or so.

But I can't do it anymore. If I'm honest, I hated every second of it. I hated being visible, I hated being on stage. I just felt like everyone was judging me negatively. And sometimes they were. It didn't matter what anyone else said. I just couldn't do it anymore. I give work and logistics as an excuse but that's the reason. I've just realised that all the work I did on improving my confidence and self esteem was meaningless. It didn't work and I can't keep pretending anymore. My life has just been smoke and mirrors for so long now to survive really that I don't know who or what I really am anymore.

He did apologise and said he forgot he said hed meet me (a couple of minutes earlier) but denied forgetting about me. But he couldnt explain wht he hadnt noticed i wasnt there at all though. I didn't really want to engage in a public place so I just left it but he knows because he hasn't mentioned the gig since and we have had the tickets and been talking about going for months.

It's like last weekend didn't happen.

So you need someone who will cherish you, support you and lift you up, not someone who drags you down by making you feel worthless. Your partner should be someone who values you, wants to make you feel wanted and likes making you happy, not someone who leaves you standing around like a spare part while he enjoys the evening with someone else, having forgotten you exist.
Without doubt he is at least part of the reason you feel like this.

... he's realised I'm not whatever he thought I was.
I'm just dull and boring and fearful now.

To put it bluntly, you're right. You aren't the person you were.

You really need an in-depth talk with DP and with a counsellor.

I suspect that counselling might unearth something like a belief that, having found your person, you would sort of blend with one another. There'll be bells and whistles on it but, in effect, you may have abandoned your independent self as a kind of sacrifice to the unity you craved. This would never be healthy, of course.

As I said, I find this upsetting. I very much hope that, however your relationship develops, you'll do the counselling and regain a more deeply balanced version of your former self 💐

What work did you do? Did you do it alone or did you work with a professional? If you did it alone, I’d suggest working with a professional. If you saw someone before, what kind of professional were they and perhaps they weren’t the right fit for you. If you’ve been through abuse in the past, there’s a good chance you might need a trauma informed professional. Doing work on yourself is never time and effort wasted. Do you feel you might be depressed? You mentioning feeling tired, your self talk is very self deprecating and negative, there’s a defeatist air to your comments and you are not communicating with your partner as you say you haven’t discussed how you’re feeling despite him asking.

I agree that he is part of the reason I feel like this.

But at any other time, he does cherish and support me. It's just sad to realise that, when he has a choice, I'm not at the top.

I'm beginning to reflect on other times when this has been the case but I didn't seem it like that at the time because it as so at odds with the way he treats me privately.

But, when other people are around, I'm not a priority at all and I think I felt this on a subconscious level and that's why it's bothered me so much.

You DO matter - you just don't matter that much to him, sorry OP. I wouldn't forget about the person I was out with, whether friend, acquaintance, or partner.

I just felt I could relax with him more than anything. That I wasn't required to apologise for myself or account for/justify who I am. I didn't have to steel myself against/or in anticipation of criticism. It felt easy.

So just to realise I'm not really any different in his eyes to who I have been in the eyes of many others is like a thump to the chest.

No, I wouldn't either.

Who on earth forgets they are out with their partner?
I think you need to speak to your doctor and consider taking HRT.
What you describe does sound like symptoms of the menopause.
I had an ex who used to wander off. He did it once too often and I pulled him up over it. I told him the next time he wandered off in a busy place such as a shopping centre, that I would not search for him, and that I would just go to the car and drive off. He tried to make light of it but I told him I meant it. He didn’t do it again.

This is what's making me sad - that you expected criticism, were braced for demands that you justify yourself. Were you brought up by harsh critics who didn't seem to have much faith in you?

And yet you are not the person DP fell in love with: that person was independent, self-directed, confident. Now you're saying that person was a lie. Was she really?

I'm not doubting your truth. I'm wondering if you felt, deep down, it must be a lie because - while you were driving yourself around to gigs, chatting to new people wherever you went - you still had an inner voice telling you someone "like you" can't do things like that. I'm asking whether THAT voice is the liar, the one that says you aren't worth much.

I feel for you OP. I had something very similar happen to me a few months back - different dynamics ( in my case, a long term friend), but I felt the way you did - very small and as if I didn't have a " space" to occupy. I was irrelevant, invisible, not really there. I did have the conversation and it hasn't happened since but I also asked for help from my gp. Mine was compounded with very low self esteem, anxiety and an awful childhood, where I was viewed as low value with very little to offer other than facilitate other people's needs. Maybe there's more going on with you other than just a neglectful partner?

Garlicpest

Thank you. Your last post was very insightful and gave me a lot of food for thought last night.

I think that I became the person I wanted to be. I felt comfortable going to gigs and talking to strangers but because it's low investment. Those people only ever saw the best of me. Not a lie but the person I might have been without all the other stuff bringing me down. But you're right about the little voice.

I did grow up with harsh critics. I was forbidden from playing in bands when I was at school because it wasn't what nice girls did. So every time I got on stage I felt I was sticking two fingers up to the people who'd never been on my side. But, because of everything that has been said and done, I just didn't have the confidence to do it. And hated every second of it. The relief I feel since I stopped far outweighs anything else I feel.

I just feel like I don't know who I am at all.

A lot to think about. Thank you.

I'm sorry you felt similarly. Yes, low value is how I feel.

I know other people wouldn't have had an issue with it, which is why I asked. It helps me to see things from other people's perspectives and understand their thinking.

Does he walk ahead of you when you go out together? Wander off and do his own thing when you go to the shops etc?

No. Nothing like that ever.

Do you think it's possible he has some issue that might cause this?

Yes, low value is how I feel.

Never base your value on the behaviour of a man, or anyone else.

Ever.

Their behaviour is a reflection of their character, nothing to do with you.

I’ve felt like this in the past. I have had MDD previously, anxiety, but I also suspect I have CPTSD and that shows up in these different ways. Anyway- that feeling of being invisible and not mattering sounds really familiar. It might be worth doing some work. I’ve found parts work (Internal Family Systems) and compassionate inquiry really helpful.

As for your boyfriend, that behaviour is bang out of order. Really not ok. You’re well within your rights to feel furious- that you don’t makes me wonder if you are depressed or something else, which is why I mention my own history.

OP, do you have a nice and supportive friend you can go out with, to build your confidence up?
Your partner sounds insensitive at best, or trying to keep you a little confused and off balance at worse. Does he do anything else that affects your confidence and self esteem?

If he pulls this shit again honestly you should return the favour and leave and go off grid as mentioned by other posters. Give him a taste of his unsettling medicine.

He knows what he’s doing and the effect it has upon you. Now you have lost your self-confidence and sense of worth (which I suspect was his aim tbh). He let you down last weekend, hasn’t discussed it and has disappointed you again this weekend. He realises exactly why you’re upset but is toying with you to explain, to give him a boost. It’s a pathetic power game. He is no innocent who gets sidetracked and you shouldn’t be taken in by his private persona.
If he’d forgotten me at a venue I’d have departed and left him to realise. Any discussion would have had me remind him I’m not an entrance ticket to be discarded post admission. There’s a marked difference between speaking to others and totally ignoring your companion.
Stop him diminishing you. Wave him goodbye, start again and believe in yourself! You cannot continue feeling so low. You are not the problem. He is.

I honestly can't imagine doing this to my partner or him.dping this to me. Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect but he would never do this.

No. It only happens socially when other people are around. I think he just gets carried away talking to other people and forgets I'm there.

Then I would put it down to the drink, that's quite a lot. He may well have forgotten what he had said about meeting outside the loos almost as soon as he said it, drinking a lot makes memory very sketchy. And if he drinks like that socially all the time it's not surprising he wanders off, rambling on to anyone who will listen.