What would you think about this?

[NotSureAboutThisWhatDoYouThink]

I'll he honest. I do have some self esteem issues. I find it difficult to tell when something is the sort of thing other people would be bothered about (eg reasonable) or whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill (eg unreasonable).

I find that other people saying how they would feel/what they would do helps to get a clearer perspective, if that makes sense?

Until last weekend, I hadn't been out socially since August. Before then, I went out every Saturday night but I just lost my confidence - almost overnight. Some of it was, I suspect, down to perimenipause (I'm 49) and some of it was because I felt that, when I went out, my partner would 'forget' about me. Eg we would arrive together and he'd spend time with me but, once people he knew had arrived, he would wander off to chat and I wouldn't really see him again.

I had a thread in the summer about it and whilst some people felt I should just follow him, tag along and join in conversations with people I didn't know, the majority agreed that it was a bit off of him to leave me on my own.

We had a conversation about it. I gave examples of times when it had happened and how it made me feel. He apologised unreservedly and said he'd been selfish and hadn't seen it from my perspective and promised to "do better."

So, last weekend, we went to a gig. It's one of the things we like(d) to do together. It was an all day thing with 5 or 6 bands on from early afternoon until late evening but we were both really looking forward to seeing the headline band - they're one of my favourites.

The whole day was absolutely fine.

Just before the last band played, we both went to the loo at the same time. The toilets are located at the back of the main room, up some stairs and along a short corridor (in case it matters). As we went in, he said, "I'll see you here in a minute," and gestured towards a specific area meaning outside the toilets.

I came out and waited for him. I didn't really have much sense of the time, but was probably only there for 5/10 mins or so. There were a lot of people we both knew, so I assumed he must have got talking to someone. So I waited. I didn't want to leave in case he came put and thought I was still in the loo and waited himself - given that he said he'd "do better" before.

Eventually, his friend's wife came up to the loo and told me he was downstairs chatting to her husband.

I went down and there he was. No longer chatting but waiting for the band to start. And completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn't there.

When I asked him about it, he said he'd got talking to someone in the loos (a stranger) about the bands and they walked out, past the place we were supposed to meet, still talking, and went downstairs - still talking. He then left the stranger and started talking to is friend and had completely forgotten about me. Just forgotten I was even there to fhe point me not being there didn't remind him.

It really soured it for me. It was the first time I'd been out with him in months and the first opportunity he'd had to consider me. And he forgot about me. Forgot I was even there.

Am I being over sensitive about this or is it something I actually should be concerned about?

And before anyone makes this point - yes, I'm quite capable of going to the loo on my own but, at that point, we had both gone at the same time so he said we'd wait for each other and go back down together.

Thanks.

I'm a lot quieter than he is. He's a lot more confident and outgoing and knows a lot of people!

I think I'm just a bit too boring for him.

It's really sad that you feel like that and your self esteem has suffered. It's difficult to know if you are reading more into his actions than is there.

Can you focus on doing some sociable things without him to reclaim your self confidence?

I don't really know what tbh.

I used to do a hobby but work commitments and logistics got in the way of that.

I don't really have many friends. Not ones that like doing what I like to do anyway!

I used to go out on my own all the time but it feeps strange doing that now and I'm not sure id have the confidence to do it anymore.

I used to go out on my own all the time but it feels strange doing that now

Do it, do it, do it! (Yes, I mean to sound like Mrs Doyle - go on, go on!)

It felt strange the first time you ever did, right? So, sure, it'll feel strange after a long gap. But you'll get back in the swing of it real quick. Do it! For yourself!

You say you spend a lot of time together and do a lot together and he say he enjoys spending time with you. Do you think this behaviour is precisely BECAUSE you spend a lot of time together he is wanting to socialise with other people without you being by his side the whole evening? Not because he finds you boring but because he just wants a bit of variety? Not that I'm excusing the " forgetting about you" because there is absolutely no need for him to appear to do that.

You said when you talked to him about it previously he was really apologetic and promised " to do better". I honestly think you should have another conversation about it. And try and get him to open up about why HE thinks this happens. Considering how hurtful you are finding this behaviour I can't see the truth being any more hurtful than you imagining it's because he finds your company boring when you both socialise. If it is just that he wants a little bit of solo interaction with other people then surely that's fair enough but that shouldn't involve him " forgetting " about you and he really needs to know how hurtful that is to you and how it's not acceptable.

I think his justification is pretty reasonable - he should have waited but I can see that, if I'd had a few drinks and got chatting to someone, I might end up inadvertantly doing the same. That said, if this happens every time then it must be a bit annoying for you. It depends on the relationship really. I don't think, on it's own, it's a massive issue.

Garlicpest

I know if someone else had posted this, I'd have been saying the same and, 6 months ago, I'd have been quite irritated by the patheticness of it all!

So I hate feeling that I need to say this but I just don't think I could anymore!

I used to go to gigs on my own. I'd drive/travel to a completely unknown venue to see a band I wanted to see. I thought nothing of going to the pub on my own and having a couple of pints, talking to strangers. But I almost feel scared of doing it now.

I'm not sure I'd even be able to get through the door if I made it there.

Before last weekend, we had plans to go and see one of his friend's bands tonight but it's not even been mentioned. He's put a film on and I've come to bed.

He asked if I'm OK because I seem down I said I am, just tired - that's always my excuse. I'm tired.

He knows it's not true though but I don't want to talk about it again. What happened last weekend hasn't even been mentioned. He hasn't even mentioned the gig. Like I say, they are one of my favourite bands and he only likes them because I introduced him to them and i know he thought they were good - because they were. But it's not been mentioned once and he loves a good post gig analysis!

So I don't think the having had a bit to drink explains it because he hasn't forgotten that it happened.

I just feel a bit pointless.

Itsmeagainunfortunately

The issue isn't that he spoke to other people it's that he arranged to meet me somewhere and then forgot about it and wandered off chatting with a stranger.

When he got back to where we were, he didn't notice that I wasn't there and remember.

I don't care who he talks to.

I care if he's asked me ro gp out with him for the evening and then forgets I'm there.

It's bothered me because him doing this sort of thing is one of the reasons I haven't been out with him since August.

I haven't stopped him from going or made it awkward, I just said I wasn't going out with him anymore.

Something prompted a conversation about it a few weeks ago when he apologised and said he hadn't really understood or considered how it made me feel and promised he'd "do better'.

This was the first time we'd been out together since August and had the conversation and he forgot about me again.

That's the problem.

I now don't feel like I can go out with him. What if he gets talking to a couple of friends who decide to fo on to another pub and he forgets I'm there? What if we get separated and I can't find him at the end of the night because he forgot I was there and left?

I understand that the forgetting about you is the issue OP.
Surely if you talk to him he must have an explanation as to why he behaves like that. If he cares for you at all - and from what you say he normally enjoys your company, apart from when you are out socialising - then surely he should be prepared to sit down with you and discuss what is going on in his head that leads him to " forget" about you. As I said in my previous post you are obviously so hurt by his behaviour I don't see how him talking truthfully about why he thinks this happens can be any more hurtful than how you are feeling already.

I know why it happens. He's just having fun. Thats all it ever is. It's nothing more sinister than he gets talking to someone, loses track of time and forgets that he said he was going to the bar and would be back in 5 mins.

He was talking to the man he got chatting to about the bands. I know how it will have gone. They'll have talked about how they'd never heard of the one that was really good; the one theyd been looking forward to but was shit and how much they were looking forward to seeing the headline band. Because that's all everyone was saying all afternoon/evening 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just didn't enter his head. If I had, he'd have waited for me.

When he got back downstairs, he didn't notice I wasn't there because I'd just completely slipped his mind.

It’s strange that he completely forgets about you. Is this a relatively new thing? I’d be worried about his health if so. Just seems really strange… If I’m out with female friends we always keep an eye out for each other and would be aware if someone in the group went missing.

It boils down to the fact that he's not particularly enjoying my company so he's not looking forward to getting back to me again.

He's not thought of something he wants to tell me, he's not heard something he wants to share with me. He's not looking forward to seeing the band with me. He's enjoying having a chat with and the company of a stranger. It's not deliberate, he's just forgotten about me because, in that instant, what he was previously getting from me, he's now getting from someone else.

I think it's just out of sight, out of mind tbh.

I've noticed it really over the last 12 months. I don't know if it didn't really happen before or I just didn't notice because I felt important to him at other times and I don't actually have a problem with him wandering off and chatting to others. It's the forgetting I'm even there that bothers me.

Or maybe he doesn't actually forget. Maybe he's just having so much fun chatting to others that he chooses to stay where he is rather than come back to me.

It doesn't matter really. Neither explanation is any better than the other.

I used to go to gigs on my own... I thought nothing of going to the pub on my own and having a couple of pints, talking to strangers. But I almost feel scared of doing it now. I'm not sure I'd even be able to get through the door

What if we get separated and I can't find him at the end of the night?

him doing this sort of thing is one of the reasons I haven't been out with him since August

Darling, what on earth has happened to you?

I want to stress it's not okay that your partner reliably forgets about you when you're out. But I'm far more interested in how the young woman who confidently did whatever she wanted, with or without company, became a timid wreck who feels annihilated without her support human, who won't go out for fear of being alone, and can't imagine getting herself home from a gig.

It's upsetting. What happened?

OP your last 2 updates really sound as though you have convinced yourself he is bored with your company, that you have convinced yourself he doesn't enjoy socialising with you.
It doesn't gel with your post where he has told you he'd rather spend time with you than anyone else. It doesn't gel with the fact that when you had a conversation with him about it he was apologetic. He didn't dismiss your concerns. He actually said he'd try harder - although obviously not hard enough or else the latest upset wouldn't have occurred.

I do think your low self confidence is really magnifying the problem. I'm not saying the problem isn't there because he shouldn't be " forgetting " about you but if you could see it in terms more of him enjoying socialising with other people and getting carried away in the enjoyment of it I.e a positive thing , rather than him not enjoying your company and therefore behaving as though you aren't there, I.e a negative thing,then it would be less upsetting because it isn't then personal about you.

What happened?

I don't know really.

A history of really shit relationships, long periods of time single, developing my own life and hobbies and friends etc. Most of which has fallen by the wayside now.

Meeting someone I got to know as a friend and trusted for a few years before getting together - it developing slowly. Finally feeling like I'd found someone who genuinely cared about me, who wasn't embarrassed to be seen with me in public who liked me for me without trying to change me to be more this or less that.

I've always felt that people were interested in me for a short while like the way a match burns very brightly but only for a few seconds rather than a slow and steady, constant burn.

But I believed what I had with him was different. He is still very attentive, considerate, thoughtful in all other ways. In everyday life. But I feel like he's lost interest. Like he's realised I'm not whatever he thought I was.

I'm just dull and boring and fearful now.

Thank you. Yes I can see how reframing it would put a different perspective on it but it doesn't change the fact that it happens a lot.

I just feel unimportant. Like I don't actually matter. To anyone really.

I didn't really answer this properly.

I think it's the sad realisation that I'm not really special to him either.

It's just really taken the wind out of my sails.

Someone posted earlier about finding someone else. It made me smile. There wouldn't be anyone else.

Gosh OP. I have very low self esteem myself and I just feel so much empathy for you. It's just really sad to hear you so down on yourself.

Surely though he didn’t actually forget you were there. He got distracted and I would assume he just thought you would eventually catch up with him. 🤷‍♀️

My DH would do this because he is a sociable person who
likes to talk a lot (to anyone and everyone!). I may be a bit miffed that I’d waited unnecessarily but I would have guessed that he would be nearby and just forgot where to meet.

Personally I don’t think it’s a biggie to dwell on but your relationship may tell you different.

You need to work on yourself OP. Regardless of your partners shitty behaviour when you were out, the way you speak about yourself is frightening. You are constantly putting yourself down. This is programming from your past. I also think that because your past relationships were abusive and didn’t work out, you are self sabotaging this current relationship because you don’t believe you could actually have someone really love you. Please, seek some counselling and work through your issues. No matter what happens with this relationship, that’s a must for you. Not for anyone else. For you.

You deserve to be happy.
You deserved to be loved.
You are enough.

Have a read of this book while you source and manner an appointment with a counsellor.

https://ia600704.us.archive.org/31/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf

He sounds incredibly self-absorbed if a conversation that started in the toilets made him completely forget that he’d agreed to wait for you outside afterwards. I think he did remember, he just can’t admit that the conversation he was having was more important in that moment than you.

Sone men are like this - they are hooked on the conversation/socializing/having fun aspect of a night out or whatever and they just forget about their partner in the process. It’s disrespectful to you but what I find even worse is the gaslighting, claiming to have forgotten when the reality is that he just wasn’t bothered enough to consider you in that moment because other things (chatting) were more of a priority.

Obviously this doesn’t affect everyone in the same way, which is why some pp are being a bit tone deaf in their replies, I think. But I hate being treated this way by a partner when out socialising. It’s so rude and inconsiderate. And you’ve asked him not to do it!!! And yet here he is - letting you down, because he couldn’t resist the thrall of a conversation (about nothing in particular, I imagine).

I don’t know what to suggest OP but I have a feeling that all of that confidence you’ve lost might somehow magically reappear if you dump him. Just a thought.

He just doesn't seem to want to be out with me socially anymore.
That isn’t a good relationship, is it?

What a nasty, nasty man. Especially as he has form for doing things like this. He’s showing you exactly how important you are to him.

Nobody forgets their partner like that. Imagine if you said to a friend “I’ll meet you here” then forgot, and went off to sit chatting with someone else. Very unlikely, but if you didn’t, you’d be mortified and very apologetic. He wasn’t.

I agree @FeistyFrankie . This lack of confidence is nothing to do with perimenopause and everything to do with being treated like dirt.