If you ever had a male counterpart who turned out to be gay….?

[district211]

Would you please share if you saw signs and what signs did you see?

I’m in a relationship (18 months) and I keep having this feeling that he might be in the closet.

I have zero evidence but as in the past I have been with men that turned out to have bisexual tendecies so I’m not sure if the past is clouding my judgement.

If I list the reasons why I think current guy might be gay or bi it will not be a strong case so I’d like to hear stories to see if there is a common thread…

Maybe answering questions would be helpful too?

Do you like him? Does he like you? Do you have a good sexual relationship?
What would it matter if he's bisexual as he has chosen to be with you.
If he is gay he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Many gay men marry women don’t they?

The sexual part is complicated but even if it wasn’t, it would be impossible for me to fully appreciate a relationship where a big part of who the other person is remains a secret. I believe people has the right to privacy in a relationship but I also don’t want to be used as a comforter or a shield - if they are not open to the world as gay or bi then they might have some issues that they have to work through within themselves and probably are not fully available

I meet quite a few closeted bi-sexual men through my work.

The overwhelming majority would only contemplate a relationship with a woman. To put it rather crudely, the part of them that is attracted to males is literally only interested in having sex with other men.

Is there something about them that stands out and would make you recognise one even if you did know them through work?

Do you have any tips of what I should be looking for?

I’m someone that they confide in, so it’s difficult to say. I think my spidey senses likely would have picked up on it, but I’d never assume.

Personally I have known bi-sexual men in my social circle and dated a few. It’s no big deal to me - they were very nice to date. They did say it is very hard to disclose as in their experience people think they’re gay and just saying they’re bi.

I’d say that men who wanted sexual activities more associated with gay sex would be a good clue, but then you have the other end of the spectrum - guys who are openly homophonic (but gay). So really you’d only know if you asked the question.

@district211 is he monogamous with you though? (even if you aren't having sex).
I believe you can be in a commited relationship and still find other people good looking etc - but if he isn't going out and meeting/sleeping with other people (male or female) does it matter?
He is with you. He has chosen you.

I don’t live 24:7 with him so as for monogamy I have only his word

And I do think it matters because the sexual difficulties could be coming from him being in the closet if he is

To me it matters to know, it would feel like I’m dating a character, not the full person

Sexual attraction is beyond finding other people good looking

I admire s lot of women’s phisycal features - never been attracted to one

@district211 it sounds like you don't trust him and aren't happy in the relationship.
To be honest - I think you should end it.

@Needmorelego no disrespect but why would you choose to participate on a thread when you can’t offer answers to the specific OP question?

No where in my OP I solicited advice if I should end the relationship or if I should trust or not

Thanks for bumping the thread though

This kind of thing appears to be one of the things that women enjoy; being the one who he can come out to. It’s on some weird kind of bucket list so they can have their suspicions confirmed after all, that YES, there really is a reason why this man isn’t displaying stereotypical male behaviours. I work pretty much exclusively with women and get this all the time and you’ve no idea how annoying it is.

I was under the impression that in 2024 we were all allowed to be who we want to be. If you don’t like you man for whatever reason consider that he might not be the problem, you might be because you should love him for what he is.

@Needmorelego is absolutely right, though. You’re asking the wrong question in wanting some kind of tick list of ‘things to look out for if you think your boyfriend is secretly gay”. You say you don’t trust that he’s faithful to you because you’re not with him 24/7. That’s not a healthy relationship after eighteen months even before you consider the sexual difficulties you mention.

1- you would be surprised about how masculine presenting he is

2 - I want to know who the person I’m in a relationship with really is - it is not a weird bucket list to be ‘the one’ he discloses to

3- he can be whoever he wants to be and I have the right to choose from an informed position - as mentioned, the sex part is complicated and if this originates from his sexual attraction then I deserve the right to know because this affects my on sexual experience

I don't think there are any outward signs- any clues will be in your sexual relationship so I'm not sure you'll get any good answers here

@district211 apologies I don't mean to sound rude or anything.
But I'm not really sure what you want from your thread or what your actual question is.
You have a boyfriend. You think he might be gay or bi. Do you want to know how to ask him?

okkkkkk

For me question 2 is the only area that is relevant. You say you’re not sure who he really is ? That’s a issue that goes much further than which side of the bread he likes buttered.

@district211 - you mention sexual difficulties. Are you able to elaborate on these, it would be helpful to establish exactly what the issue is.

how old are you both?

@district211 I was only trying to give advice.
I don't have personal experience but basically if he is sexually attracted to men, has sex with them, watches male on male porn....then he is gay.
I don't know what other signs there could be.
Sorry if that's not much help.

ED not improving with medication so it must be psychological?
He still believes is physical so I don’t think therapy is on the cards right now
He is eager to pleasure me in other ways but we never had penetration - apparently he had only one weak erection at the start but lasted seconds

I stayed this long because of many other positive aspects and hoping treatment would work
It is a very sensitive topic and I feel tottaly out of depth talking about it as I never met anyone with this problem before

I’m late 40s he is mid 50s

And yes, I don’t feel I know him very well as he struggles talking about certain things and will only go so far - I try to be sensitive to his issue which must be extremely hard

I don’t want to hear about sex toys, sex play etc - this is not what the post is about

That must be difficult, especially if he won't discuss things with you. A good friend was married to a man who later turned out to be bisexual, but there were no outward signs (and when she discovered he had been having sex with men she kept on going over and over everything about their lives and couldn't think of anything that she missed).

So you've been together eighteen months, he doesn't open up to you to the point where you feel you don't really know him, you don't trust that he's faithful to you, you've never had PIV sex because of his erectile dysfunction which hasn't been helped by Viagra, and you think he's secretly gay?

Bluntly, that is one car crash of a relationship, @district211. You deserve more.

My cousin (who is gay) says exactly that. Every bisexual male he knows or has been with has said they want a relationship with a woman, which is why as he has told me he is wary of getting emotionally close to bi men.

I do trust him but you never really know
This doesnt mean I have trust issues BTW - it is life

I feel as uncomfortable as he feels re: talking in depth about the sexual struggle, sometimes is easier to ignore this part and enjoy the many other aspects of the relationship

No, I dont think 18 months is enough to really know someone. I know we have the similar values and I know he has good character. I know he is dependable and keep to his words

Please take your unsolicited adivice to AIBU or the toxic LTB threads, this isn’t one

@ChessorBuckaroo @OneOliveEagle and I assume some of these men will having those sexual encounters secretely and their partners a clueless right?
and that is why I’m here - to trigger myself finding out the truth or eliminate the possibility

but I know there is only one person who can give me the answer - I need to figure out how the convo will go eventually, hence the thread as I want to minimise the risk of false accusations