If you ever had a male counterpart who turned out to be gay….?

[district211]

Would you please share if you saw signs and what signs did you see?

I’m in a relationship (18 months) and I keep having this feeling that he might be in the closet.

I have zero evidence but as in the past I have been with men that turned out to have bisexual tendecies so I’m not sure if the past is clouding my judgement.

If I list the reasons why I think current guy might be gay or bi it will not be a strong case so I’d like to hear stories to see if there is a common thread…

Maybe answering questions would be helpful too?

Well crack it open and have a look. Search history would be revealing. If he's partial to a male body then there would undoubtedly be clues.

Have you asked him if he's ever fancied a man, done anything with one? Do you think you'd believe his answer if he said no?
It's more important that he can be open and honest about himself really. But just because he may have been with blokes before it doesn't mean he wants to be with one now. Surely if he wanted a man then he'd date one.
Is he from a culture or background where bi/gay is frowned upon? Ie does he have a reason to pretend to be straight?
I think if you can have an honest conversation that's the most important thing. Have you ever fancied or been with a woman? You could start the conversation from your own perspective.
If it means a lot to know if he's ever done anything even minor with the same sex then I hope you get an honest answer.

He keeps his personal laptop well stored away when I’m around
He has an office at home and when I come over the work laptop, personal laptop and even a portable screen are stored, never on the table
I did ask the other day why he just dont leave the set up there - he lives completely by himself - but he gave me a BS excuse

If we then need to use a laptop to watch something or check something out we use a very old one that has terrible battery, needs to be plugged in, runs slow etc - I questioned this long time ago but don’t remember what the excuse was but it was BS

Once I was talking about getting rid of my old laptop and he gave me tips on how to re-set, erase everything etc, I think I questioned why and he said ‘for ID security reasons’

Does he look at other women when you are out? I mean in a subtle way, not an intimidating sleazy way? Every man I've dated I've noticed doing this.

All answers are ‘no’ but I’m very close to bring a convo up since it did not flow naturally during the time we known each other
I just dont want to offend

I have never seen him looking at other women at all

Even when we watch / talk about movies he comments on phisycal appereance of actors not actressess

@district211 that is a huge sign. I don't know if others would agree.

There isn't any tell tale sign that will reliably answer your question OP.

ED on it's own is no indicator of sexuality or attraction, many men suffer ED despite being very attracted to their partners. If physical causes have been ruled out, it could be due to performance anxiety, being uncomfortable with sex, being brought up to believe sex or masturbation are dirty or shameful etc

I would be surprised if a gay man in his 50s was interested in starting a new relationship with a woman or wanted to be intimate with and wanted to pleasure a woman... but totally possible a bi guy wants to date women and engage sexually. You need to ask him if this is important to you (and ignore anyone who tells you to go and snoop on his laptop or phone, that's a huge violation of privacy!)

There are all kinds of reasons why a gay man would seek a relationship with a woman.

Yes I made a mistake including gay in this - should be bisexual only

The ED is possible psychological but what triggered it and if is linked to his own attractions in his particular case is the golden question - it was very clear he was not an experienced man in terms of being in a bed with women and he said so himself

Yes, snooping is not my style and I’m building up momentum for a talk

Has he had any previous relationships with women and if so how did they end?

How is his overall physical health?

What sort of family of origin and culture is he from?

I'd say your instincts here are correct, fwiw.

You may well have a tendency deep down to be attracted to men who are unavailable to you in some respects - they're an emotional challenge, a project to work on, someone whose approach to you will fulfill your needs in the end if you get it right?

The alternative is someone available in the here and now who you would have to accept exactly as they were and accept what they brought into your life, being vulnerable and open about your needs, with the possibility of your needs being unmet, and facing disappointment or rejection.

Yes, your needs would be unmet with the unavailable blokes, too, but you would have the fallback psychological cushion of "I'll somehow win him over, make it work, and all my dreams will come true without having to ask" (the fairy tale option) with the men who are not available for you fully and never will.

OP I’ve read through the thread, I don’t think I saw this being discussed, sorry if I missed it though. Can I ask, why is it important to you if you know if he is bi or not, what would your thoughts about the relationship be if he was actually bi?

Also to someone up thread who said there are always signs if a guy is gay because of piercings and hairstyle choices, that’s a bit offensive, pretty incorrect and based pretty much on confirmation bias.

I would agree.

I also think the physical fitness along with sexual dysfunction and inability/ refusal to discuss certain topics fits a picture.

I think I understand what you’re asking.

I had a light bulb moment when we were at an IKEA and he swished around 360 degrees in an extremely effeminate way and declared how much he just loves loves shopping. Being blunt, it was so gay.

Having known a lot of men, witnessing this type of display was a first for me.

Does he have a good fashion sense? I'm only joking, of course 😂

OP, if this is your experience now, at such an early point in the relationship, do you harbour a belief that of you keep on trying, you'll eventually peel away the layers and find your prince waiting for you?

Someone who is secretive with laptops/ phones and avoids topics of nomal conversation for couples your age, and who won't do his utmost to address the ED is not the man for you - gay or straight he is not available to you the way you want him to be.

There's a lot in your description that says gay to me. However, he might also be poisoned by porn or extremely messed up in a psycho sexual way. He's had decades to sort himself out and find a real relationship with a living, breathing woman, but apparently hasn't. Why?

And why have you invested precious time and energy on him?

He doesn’t talk a lot about that and is vague but at the start he said his relationships never went beyond 3 months and they end it apparently - and he never met someone he could get married to

His parents are still together, it sounds like he had a solid upbringing, his sister is married with kids, he is close with his family but I haven’t met them as they are not in the UK

He family of origin is from east asia but he grew up in the US and bar facial features he is a typical American and the family seems well integrated there

Overall physical health seems good

Tbh I would be very struck by a man in his 50s who has never had a relationship longer than 3 months. Something is going on with him but I wonder if it's more complicated than 'just' his sexuality.

How long have you been together?

Thanks
I’m passed all that internal work phase tbh
If I wanted someone unavailable I would not been here questioning this and in fact my attraction for him is disappearing
His dick might be unavailable but he is there for me in every other way

I stayed this long because he was seeking treatment but as the time gone by, the suspicion incresead

Hiding his devices and using a ‘safe’ device around you is so suspicious. It could be anything though, not that he’s bi, but something he doesn’t want you to know about and which is almost certainly sexual. My guess is he has a massive porn addiction.

Are his parents originally from East Asia? What part? The Philippines is different from Vietnam, and Vietnam is different from China,

East Asians in the US in general have a culture where doing really well/ achieving material success is very important (I'm in the US and have many E Asian friends or ethnically E Asian having been born in the US. The Tiger Mother phenomenon is real, at least among Chinese families. Philippinos are more laid back). Knowing your baseball and having a favorite football team and eating an American diet doesn't mean your family culture isn't Polish or Irish or Chinese or Indian, or that you won't be greatly influenced by it.

It would be pretty much unthinkable for him to be openly gay in many families of East Asian origin in the US, especially if the parents were from the country of origin because family image is very important. Marrying and having kids would be expected as well as having a career, preferably a professional career, and preferably a wife from the same ethnic background or the same profession if not. Marrying a woman from a different ethnicity who worked as a hospital cleaner would be a huge no-no. Marrying a fellow dentist/ lawyer/ doctor would be acceptable.

Why did he leave the US?
The details he's told you about his family might not be quite accurate. He might have absorbed the impulse to present a 'normal, well-adjusted family' to the world. You have no way of checking his account of family life.

He is hiding simple things from you and avoids certain topics of conversation - Why?
Is he used to hiding certain aspects of his life from family members, perhaps a mother, perhaps a father? Is secretiveness a reflex for him?

Above all, his history of short relationships rings loud bells. He is either lying to you and believes a history of short, failed relationships with women sounds better than a porn addiction or fundamental attraction to men, or he keeps on trying but failing with women because of a sense of obligation he has (he clearly doesn't have the toolbox necessary to keep a relationship going, so obligation is the only other motivation he could have).

Haven't read all the responses, but I wonder if one can just have a sense. I have a good friend who is married with kids - I know her and her husband really well, and for a long time I've suspected he might be in the closet.

Frankly, there's a few things - his manner is quite effeminate and he seems to be uncomfortable around more 'blokey' men, and he also often makes comments about other men's attractiveness/looks. My friend has also told me that sadly, their marriage isn't physically intimate any more and hasn't been for many years.

It's none of my business of course, and I kept my thoughts about it to myself, but a while back DH said 'I think xxx might be gay'. A mutual male friend said the same thing separately. Essentially, we'd all thought the same thing privately.

We could be absolutely wrong, and as I said it's none of my business. But ultimately it's very sad if people are closeted or living a lie. My friend's uncle had to wait for his own father to die until he could come out - and he was in his late 60s when his father died. Seems like such a long time without being true to yourself.

This is all entirely anecdotal of course, but I think there's a lot to be said for trusting your gut...

Viagra doesn't work for every man. It doesn't have to be psychological. Some men get a sniff of an erection and a massive headache from the stuff.

Japan
His sister is married to a white American guy
He doesn’t paint his family as perfect but he is back to visit often and is in touch with them often

He says he came for professional reasons

The short relationships, it is really my fault I didn’t ask more questions. What I know if from the dating phase, I guess I thought the topic would expand naturally with time but it never did - and this leads me to another thing that bothers me and I just remembered - he asks nothing about my past and everything he knows is info I volunteered - it is very weird - I tell him anything about my past and there is no follow up questions, no curiosity.
Maybe this is a way of preventing me for asking too.