If you ever had a male counterpart who turned out to be gay….?

[district211]

Would you please share if you saw signs and what signs did you see?

I’m in a relationship (18 months) and I keep having this feeling that he might be in the closet.

I have zero evidence but as in the past I have been with men that turned out to have bisexual tendecies so I’m not sure if the past is clouding my judgement.

If I list the reasons why I think current guy might be gay or bi it will not be a strong case so I’d like to hear stories to see if there is a common thread…

Maybe answering questions would be helpful too?

My cousin is effeminate and flamboyant and was so obviously gay from as early as I can remember (maybe 8 years old, so he didn't need to come out years later to any of us). But the opposite to him, very masculine presenting, can be gay too. Unless its blatantly obvious it can be hard to determine.

You mention sexual issues in your other posts, ie. his ED. That doesn't mean anything in regard to sexuality. Does he give you oral? (and on top of that does look like he enjoys it?). Gay men wouldn't dream of giving a woman oral (unless they were well paid performers).

In your previous relationship(s) where the men in question had bisexual tendencies, were there any signs or was it revealed through discussion?
You could speak to your current partner about his history perhaps and frame the discussion in that way.

But surely he wouldn't have ED with a woman if he was bi? Only if he was gay.

I would be careful about correlating the ED to his sexuality. Men with ED at 55 is getting more common and there are so many factors that can cause it.

If you are intimate with each other without the PIV (Because of his ED ) then it is VERY unlikely he is gay. If he were Bi, he is technically still sexually attracted to woman so the ED is more likely physical than psychological.

Sounds silly, but have you actually asked him?

Of course he could still have ED if he was BI, but it wouldn't be anything to do with his sexuality.

That is why I presumed bi-sexual

He is very much eager with the oral and it does seem he enjoys it but I must admit not a super pro per se - despite his age he is not very sexually experient and has never had a long term relationship before me, the max for him was 3 months and the women were the ones to always leave apparently- I don’t know if he disclosed something, if they found out or if it was ED…however except from the ED, he is so good at relating, you would think he has a lot of experience in long term relationships, he is very mature in his thinking and actions

I wouldn’t even be entertaining the question. It doesn’t matter, does it? This sounds like an unsatisfying relationship for you, sexually and emotionally. You can end it whether he’s straight or bi.

In my 45 years on this earth and working in a variety of roles where people open up and talk to me I have never ever heard of this or encountered this.
I call BS on this statement completely.

Well if he is bi would that put you off? He is still attracted to you (clearly as he loves giving oral).

This is academic though as he is not satisfying you sexually and is just crap in bed (probably why women leave him quickly). The ED likely won't get any better, and you have only been with him 18 months (although you don't live with him), so, if you want sexual satisfaction you will likely have to look elsewhere.

I'd be careful of this too. It can have so many contributing factors.

oh that is a good idea

with my past relationships:

1- guy one - I found out years after break up that he became sugar baby to an older guy - we were very young

2 - guy two - there were ‘jokes’ from his friends group and one very long story where I think he had a fling with other man - all the signs of cheating were there but instead of another woman it was a guy - but I couldn’t prove - we broke up for different reasons

3 - guy three - I believe he was very close to disclosure - he had fantasies of wearing bikini and taking selfies in the mirror and he loved physical touch and emotional connection with his male friends - once he told me a weird story of a friend kissing another man just out of curiosity and telling him how he felt and weeks after this friend came to visit and spent the whole weekend in his home - I showed him a video of two men doing ‘belly button bonding’ were men cuddle tight to comfort each other and my guy had a lot of mixed emotions - he then told me there was a theory that every human are bi given the chance and he asked me if I was bi or curious and I told him I was straight and monogamous for sure - shortly after he dumped me due to ‘personal issues’

All 3 guys were very masculine presenting and into exercising, muscles, having a ripped body and being strong etc (guy 1 slightely less) but current guy fits the description

Having worked with an unusually high number of gay men, statistically, yes there are outwards signs. After a while you start seeing patterns in hair styles and choice of piercings, things like that. Although there are always going to be exceptions, these outward signs will be what a lot of gay men rely on when figuring out themselves who is gay and who isn't (other than actually outright asking them.

The common tell-tale sign that a man is guy might be an apparent low libido or reluctance to have sex with his female partner, but I read something recently where someone claimed that men who are prolific cheats (cheating with other women) is also a sign they might be in the closet, as they’re going from woman to woman but never finding the satisfaction they seek.

hmm sounds like one of my exes

I don't really see a gay guy being keen to perform oral on a woman.

Has he got some health issues? Has he actually seen the doctor or just used over the counter ED pills?

Yes I should have written bisexual rather than gay in the title

He has been to doctors etc, second opinions etc but he disagrees with the doctors assessements that phisycally everything is fine with the advice to eat less meat due to high blood pressure and lose a bit of weight (he is not overweight but chunky, however is a lot of muscle mass) but testerone levels are fine according to docs

I've read the full thread.

It sort of doesn't matter whether he is or he isn't. Your needs aren't being met. ED isn't a man's fault but it can utterly destroy your self confidence and your belief in the relationship - as we're seeing here.

I would end this as you're getting hurt, whether or not he's bi.

He's almost certainly not gay given he enjoys oral on a woman. I've been around gay men when I've been with my cousin and they are not shy in coming foward what they think of female anatomy.

This sexuality topic is irrelevant though as he is clearly attracted to OP but is shit in bed. That is highly unlikely to change so if OP wants a sexually fulfilling relationship she would be wise to look for another man. It's only been 18 months (and part time) so its not as if there is all this other stuff to think about. OP you want good sex, you won't get it from him.

That is why I didn’t disclose what the sex issue was from the start

It is not only about sex though, I have this gut feeling and I’d like to verify

Anyway, will try and have a big conversation soon, maybe I will update

Why do you think you are attracted to men than have bi-sexual tendencies/are gay?

It isn't a coincidence that you've had four relationships where they all follow the same pattern.

Good question and one that I ask myself

There is a lot of gay & bisexual people in my family from both sides and they are out but I have never felt any ambiguity in my own sexuality

I wouldnt say I’m attracted to bi men. I also had plenty of relationships were I never thought the men might be bi - I’ve had more relationships with what I perceive to be straight guys than what I perceive to be bi guys

Seeing that not all bi guys are out of the closet or are still figuring it out maybe I just have the radar on due to my family?

This topic is still taboo and maybe there are more bi people in the closet than what we know for sure

You'd be best off going through his phone history.
So much gay content out there he'll be looking at ringpieces all day long.

My God daughter's boyfriend of 10 years was gay. She had no idea till someone phoned him and she answered and what the caller said rang alarm bells. He was always moody, frequently let her down, finished with her several times.

he uses a very old laptop when around me not his current one and this to me seems very suspicious

@Wendolino That is exactly what I’m saying - although I dont have this negativity with him I dont want to be played

I bet she felt she didn’t know who he really was despite being with him for 10 damn years