If you ever had a male counterpart who turned out to be gay….?

[district211]

Would you please share if you saw signs and what signs did you see?

I’m in a relationship (18 months) and I keep having this feeling that he might be in the closet.

I have zero evidence but as in the past I have been with men that turned out to have bisexual tendecies so I’m not sure if the past is clouding my judgement.

If I list the reasons why I think current guy might be gay or bi it will not be a strong case so I’d like to hear stories to see if there is a common thread…

Maybe answering questions would be helpful too?

How can he ‘be there for you in every other way’ apart from sexually, when you also say he literally never asks you about yourself, and discloses very little about himself?

Thank you @waytotheparty

The comments about other men looks are so weird and he is coming up with those more frequently lately

He has made a lot of comments on how gay men dressess too…then he says it is just stereotypes and there is no way to know somebody is gay by their clothes…and this is topic that he initiates but once I commented that I believed certain famous person might be in the closet and he said probably not because that person doesn’t dress well - then he said - oh but I know it is a stereotype that gay men dress well but in reality it is not true

Funny thing is: he is very concerned about shoes (has a huge collection that he is proud of) and clothes and fabrics. He has a huge collection of sunglasses.

One day we went out and I was so surprised by his choice of shirt similar to the photo I know it sounds silly but he looked so gay - especially since he has muscles unlike the model and he paired with shorts above the knees. I was like ‘ok, people will think he is my gay friend’ lol

But if he is in the closet he would be the macho gym type kind of man. He is older now but spent his entire life obssessed with lifiting heavy weights and being super strong - these types are so suspicious to me.

Normal day to day stuff, when I’m sick, when I have problems etc
He listens, offer help, is responsive and available, he remembers my likes and dislikes.
i.e - If I tell him that I have an important meeting in 15 days from now and never mention it again, he will wish me good luck the night before the meeting and follow up after

If I wanted massages and oral daily he would be there ready to serve

So somehow I just assigned his lack of curiosity about my past as personality since in the present he is present but I always found it so so weird

So he is Japanese American, but his parents are first generation? What culture are you? Is it a cultural clash?

Yes parents are first generation and moved to the US after he was born (in JP)

I dont think a cultural clash is part of the problem

I’ve had cultural clashes before

Ah ok, I grew up around a lot of 2nd gen East Asian guys in the US (Japanese and Korean) and being into fashion and even what might be considered ‘flamboyant’ dress-sense was pretty common. They took care of their skin, smelled nice, fitness etc, but they weren’t gay. Or bisexual. It’s a different aesthetic sense, even though he was raised in the US he won’t be American-American. He may be reserved asking you questions for cultural reasons, he may have been raised more privately or closed off emotionally. He will show his care in other ways, as you have pointed out.

I see but at 18 months it feels soooo superficial so maybe it is a cultural clash after all.

I spent 2 years in Japan a long time ago - get this: he has never asked me anything about it - at all. Sometimes I say few things here and there to see if he will ask questions…but crickets

I’m from a South American country so you’d think anyone from Japan or any connection with Japan would ask how I ended up in Japan when I was in my 20s, why did I go there, what did I do for a living, how did I like it? but he asks nothing!
I told him only a few basic things out of my own accord and I have been waiting 18 months for him to ask me one single thing about my life in Japan.
I ask about his family, where in Japan they are from, how was their life, why did they move to the US. I ask about their integration in the US. I ask about his grandparents in Japan and other family members. I ask about his Japanese experiences visiting as a child.
Yes he knows from date 1 that I lived there for 2 years and never asked me 1 question about it.
And I wait on purpose just because I find it so very weird.

This is way beyond cultural clash isnt’t?

Of course. Enjoy the massive patriarchal advantages of being in a relationship with women while shagging about, easy to get casual sex.
No brainer

Are those bisexual men top, bottom, both?
Or some are one thing and some are the other?

That’s a big red flag to me that he’s not really interested in you, who you are etc. it’s totally weird.

is he narcissistic?

I don’t see any narcisistic signs, no - after all this time I think some would crack

He is super perfectionist about himself and is hard on himself but very forgiving of others apparently

And he has zero social media, hate hate hate taking pictures in general but we met on an app and he had his real name with real pics and disclosed his profession/workplace easily and quick and it checks out

The hiding away all his laptops when you come over and getting an old one out that is slow is such a RED FLAG

Not sure how you could be with someone knowing they're hiding things from you and)or that they don't trust you. Would give me the creeps

@district211 I'd say if gets offended by it then that would be a red flag. If someone isn't remotely into the same sex they usually won't be offended to be asked, and reply with no. Obviously there's nothing wrong with it.
But if he acts defensive that's not a good sign. Even if it doesn't mean he likes men. It could mean he's oversensitive and not mature, and maybe even homophobic.

I just saw as respecting privacy

I didn’t go into detail but in his old place he used to work from the kitchen so when he put the stuff away it made more sense because we cook a lot there

But then he moved and now has a home office and then it was the other day when we were in the office and I noticed tue setup was not on the table so I questioned it - he said the table was too close to the window and the things would be visible from outside etc but there is a bloody curtain!

Re: the old laptop I agree. Massive red flag but I’m myself very careful of my own laptop in general… but I have no problem using it with ppl around as I have nothing to hide

I think I’ve given the benefit of the doubt on too many things trying to respect his personality etc but it is sooo uncomfortable right now whereas before I put it down to ‘getting to know each other’

Everything is very subtle btw. I’m a good observer. I’m curious too but not always ask my questions, just observe to see what it leads to

But I’m going there tonight. I will see what happens.