Mum friends or frenemies? Can't get over it

[BloomingOrchidea]

I am tired of speaking about this with my friends and my husband literally shouted at me for bringing this up again today. Please, if someone can tell me how I can get over this I'd be forever grateful

So, during my pregnancy I connected with around eight other mums to be, to form friendships and companionship during our upcoming mat leave.
One in particular, lets call her Ava, I thought I'd got on well with: Ava is lively, friendly and goes out of her way to help all of us. Her generosity is unmatched.

At some point into our mat leaves, some drama happened in the group where two of the girls were somewhat unkind to another. They basically accused her of knowingly bringing her sick children to a gathering where most of the babies got ill, and Ava's baby caught bronchiolitis as a result.

This girl, lets call her Helen, was mortified. She apologised profusely and swore she didn't realise her kid was ill. I believed her and took particular umbrage at how she was made to feel.

When I next saw one of the unkind girls, we can call her Polly, I didn't hide my feelings and when she asked if I was OK I was honest and told her how she'd made Helen feel. She gave a qualified apology, saying Helen is a disruptor, doesn't take advice from us when her children fall ill and maybe if she did they would be healthier. Her tone was that Helen is a neglectful mum.
Nonetheless, she messaged Helen directly and apologised which was good because they sorted things out between themselves. Good.

Now Polly is the mums I was least close to. I found her to be quite self absorbed. One of those people that talk over you and is only quiet so they can think of the next thing to say. She's also really negative, and pretty dramatic which I found draining. Id always offer to help anyway, as we all did, but it just never seemed enough.

I never spoke about Polly, about how I didn't like her, to anyone, until one day Ava and I were out together and Ava broaches the subject of the whole drama with Helen. I felt Ava was safe, so I told her about my feelings towards Polly. Ava joined in, saying how she also finds Polly negative, that her partner finds her super negative too and that when she visits, always overstays her welcome to the point that Ava feels she needs to feed her because she's there for so long.

A few weeks go by, Polly and her friend had become somewhat frozen out of the group because the others also felt they were too negative and a bit judgemental.

Then one day Ava messages saying she's very worried about Polly, how she is really remorseful about what happened, and that shes feeling isolated as if she had no friends at all. I was sceptical. Polly has 5000 friends on facebook and friends irl who help her and her family. However she insisted that Polly is vulnerable and susceptible to the influences of others and thats why she acted that way.

So the other girls and I warmed up to Polly again and thought Ava was being noble, by helping someone in a bad position.

After that, Polly and Ava seemed to have become best friends. They would often share picture of them together and their babies with the group, sometimes to things none of us had been invited to. Ava started saying things like "come to my house, ill cook for you" or "youre welcome to a playdate at mine" whenever Polly would hint she was lonely or had no plans.

There are other friendships in the group but no one else behaves this way. Things arranged between individuals are kept between them and no one fawns over their mates like this. And there are other good friendships there, that's a fact. Its gotten to a point that if Ava goes anywhere and invites the group, Polly shows herself availably immediately. I personally don't want to spend time with her and noticed the others will often not join either. I only really see them when we arrange to all meet which usually happens about once a month.

To begin with I thought how nice of Ava to help someone in need but as their PDAs carried on I started to wonder if any of what she told me was true? I began feeling as if I had been manipulated into saying how I truly felt. That maybe I had been spied on?

All I know is it makes me sick to see them be friends. Maybe I am jealous, that Polly despite her shortcomings found herself a good, true friend and I didnt?
Thing is I was genuinely OK to begin with, but as the PDAs kept coming in I found myself more and more annoyed.

The chat is on mute, and Ive not gone to recent gatherings, mainly because Ava doesnt think anything of bringing her kid out when he had just recovered from HFM (still had blisters and my baby caught it off him) or RSV and that's annoyed me anew.

Ive been told me to just leave the chat and cut ties but I feel the right thing is to continue pretending all is well , not show my feelings again, otherwise if I do then I lost the game, I am weak and pathetic.

Thank you if youve made it this way. I know you will say I just need to get over it, but believe me, Ive tried. Ive made other friends, I have my own interests, I love my life. They just annoy me and I dont know why!

AIBU and crazy and just completely insane?

She's also really negative, and pretty dramatic which I found draining.

This is your description of Polly but it could be someone's description of how you are behaving over this.

I agree with the pps who suggest going back to work. I was a ball of depression and anxiety on both my maternity leaves, so I cut my second one pretty short. I just became myself again like magic when I went back to work part time.

Mum friends or frenemies?

Sorry to say that you^ are the frenemy @BloomingOrchidea .

OP, sorry if I've missed this, but how old are your babies now? Have you thought that this fixation over two people being friends might be in some way related to post-natal depression? It might be worth seeking support from your GP. It's fine and normal for people to form closer relationships in larger groups.

I'm sorry OP I couldn't read to the end - the drama. I'd just be taking myself out of the group altogether, sounds like schoolgirl crap. Stick with Helen if you are friends and go about finding mum friends through different groups and activities that you actually have something in common with, not having been thrown together through NCT or whatever.

Are you concerned Ava will telly Polly the things you said?

This is all very dramatic but you do sound just as involved. From someone else's perspective you're now ignoring everyone / being frosty. You talked badly behind someones back etc.

I think just try to find some other friends so you aren't so wrapped up in this.

I wonder if you were bullied at school, and if this is triggering feelings related to that. Girls tend to ostracise and it’s subtle and horrible and the legacy of it can last a lifetime without therapy.

The good news is that it can teach you about the kind of friends you really don’t want. I have a range of really fantastic female friends in adulthood and that is because I’ve only really invested in friendships with people who are cool and kind. A couple of people I stopped being friends with because they weren’t very nice to me/had queen bee tendencies.

The friends you make as mum friends should have something about them beyond just also being mums. Those are the friendships that really last - ones based on an affinity that goes beyond having a baby at the same time. You’ll get there.

Just to add, maybe it’s Polly’s “negativity” that has led to her forming this deeper friendship. Some people don’t have time for the “never mind about me, let’s just talk about the babies” surface level stuff. They want a friend they can drink wine with a vent. Maybe Ava and Polly have found in each other a support system that feels deep and true. One of the downsides of relying on chit chat and small talk and never getting more real is that it can be a barrier to intimacy.

Polly is was getting frozen out - it would not have felt nice for her (regardless of what she had done) - you said Ava was kind - it’s likely Polly told Ava she had poor mental health and she’s trying to help her

Not at all.

FYI, mums in baby groups and school mums are the worst.

One of the great pieces of advice I’ve been given, is that friends are like restaurants. So, I go to this restaurant as I want casual, and I like the pork belly there. I go to another for sushi on special occasions and get dressed up. Different restaurants, different themes, different levels of food and different ambiences.

Don’t put all your eggs in certain friend’s baskets. Don’t use them as a pit stop for everything you need in life.

They are a baby group. Go there to socialise your baby, and get tips of what to do/ what not to do, to stay current. If you make a great friend, lovely. If not, it’s been a bit productive. At some point you may want to spin out of it with a couple of likeminded people and set up a mini group.

I hang out with a few different people. Some I work with, some I play a sport with, some are school mums. Some cross over into other things, most don’t.

I remember my baby group being awful and shattering my self esteem as a mother. Some of the mums were awful. You need a very thick skin to survive them.

Why are you referring to a group of adult women as girls?

They see me rollin, they are definitely hatin

First of all watch a few episodes of Motherland! Secondly, these mamazillas are acting like the 15 year old school girls I used to teach. In fact, I think they were probably more mature. Thirdly, in ten years' time you will pass these women in the street and won't even recognise each other. Focus your energies on your child, family, and hobbies if you are lucky enough to be a SAHM and your job if you have one. You are way to invested in the silliness of these silly people. When part of a group, don't explain and don't complain. These little squabbles have gone on for centuries and will carry on forever because those involved are humans with limited vision. Join a pensioners' group and you will get the same silly squabbles except it will be over the church flowers or the woman who bakes better cakes.

A few weeks go by, Polly and her friend had become somewhat frozen out of the group because the others also felt they were too negative and a bit judgemental

This is hilarious! The hypocrisy ....and you're wondering why YOU have been frozen out?

BTW, Polly will now know all the nasty things you said about her

Well done anyone that kept reading. I gave up.

What a load of silly waffle.

A similar ish thing happened when I had my first nct group and I was away from friends and family. I ended up being frozen out/leaving the group for odd dynamics.

All those minimising how you feel or comparing it to 15 years olds I think are a little unkind. I think that first year after your fist baby is great if you have friends and family around you and tons of support and sleep and the need for connection is met.

If you are in a different area, don't really know people and perhaps have put a lot of hope in these nct groups/mum groups as you read about people being friends for life then you can see why people feel pressure to get it right.

Also maybe some people forget the huge life hanging feeling having your first baby is and having all that time but being exhausted and wanting these magical mum friends.

I don't think OP is being particularly odd. I think at this stage you can be super invested in friendship groups like being 15again as its a whole new transition in life.

Any yes those who fall in with a good bunch or due to having close fmaily/friends already to hang out with may not ever have experienced that feeling. But they don't need to put OP down for it.

OP - it will get better. And your plan to go to other places and meet other people is a good one 😊. Having said that I moved a few years after my first and only stayed in touch with one friend from that whole time, as intense as it was at the time.

Its not easy.

NCT groups can be very intense. I think you need to find a way to give this one less headspace. Archive the chat and only check it occasionally. Invest in other mum friends or try to make some new ones.

Also, the number of Facebook friends someone has doesn’t relate to the size of their genuine support network at all.

Also. It does get easier. You find your rhythms and either go back tow work or establish pre school groups etc. When they sleep well and you feel more like this is how life is rather than overwhelming new stage of life. Mine are teens now but I can remember these hyper intense feelings so well.

Basically you don't like Polly and You wanted to be best buddies with Ada, who You see a bit as the leader.

You say Polly was one, not the main or the only one, of the unkind mum's who were being nasty to Helen. You spoke to Polly, not the whole group, or any of the others.
Polly then apologised, mended bridges. That says quite a lot about Polly. She is called out for something several agree with her, and she clears it up, not just her but the group. That's something you can respect, isn't it?A
I'd presume Ada was also part of the group freezing Helen out as it was her baby it effected. Interestingly you didn't go to her, despite feeling she goes out of her way to help everyone and her generosity is unmatched.

In return you bitched about her to Ada.

I'd guess that made Ada think.
And I too would rather be friends with the one who is prepared to apologise and mend bridges than the one who gossips behind backs.

It's clearly jealousy.

Sound like something off Mean Girls.