Husband beer belly and losing respect

[frus]

My husband is quite a bit older than me - we've been together 7 years.

He has a beer belly that makes him look pregnant, he has high cholesterol, and is pre diabetic.

He has not changed his lifestyle at all. He still drinks too much imo. If we go for dinner he always orders a beer no matter what day or time it is and we eat out a lot. He also binge drinks once a week on a night out. He can't see the issue.

He lightly exercises but he does have the time to really throw himself at something like running but instead just does this light amount of exercise that will never make a difference.

I'm starting to lose respect for him. I find the beer belly unattractive and I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would not like it if I was overweight or beer belly.

He won't communicate about it and he thinks I'm nagging.

I don't want to be intimate either.

Please any advice?

This would turn me off too. If you married him like this I think you need to admit you made a mistake and move on alone. If this is new and you think he might change then a frank conversation is needed about this not being the life you signed up to and see what he does. I live an active, healthy life and need a partner that does the same, it wouldn't be for me.

The eating out a lit seems like a big cause of the problem.

I can't get behind losing interest in a spouse over a fairly normal shape for an older man. Maybe you should have thought it through before getting into an age gap relationship.

It's reasonable to be worried about his health. Talk to him. Encourage him into healthy habits. The eating out and binge drinking will have to stop.

I also want to say it makes me quite angry that he's risking his life and he's either going to leave me alone because he dies or that he's going to have a stroke or heart attack and I'd be his carer.

I understand what you are saying for sure but is a large beer belly normal shape for an older man?

Definitely agree with eating out as he can't do moderation or just drink water like me 😅

Yes I think it is too. Like today he is going out for lunch for colleagues birthday I know he's going to have two pints.

Stop eating out for a while? Cook more fresh meals at home, don’t add alcohol to the weekly shop. Start exercising together.

My ex was like this. 3 stone overweight and high cholesterol. Wanted to eat out all the time. Not a big drinker but he did like a drink.

I also felt like he didn't really care enough about me to do anything about it. But there were also a lot of other issues and this was just another example of him expecting me to fit round him.

Assuming everything else is ok in your relationship, all you can do is encourage him to be healthy. Try and exercise together? Maybe stop eating out so much?

Has he always been this way? (Not exercising, poor lifestyle etc?)

If so, then you are fighting a losing battle expecting him to change.

You married him as he is - he's developed the beer belly because he's aged and has the same lifestyle he always had. If he's never exercised and has always drunk a lot, then that's what you accepted when you married him.

You can't suddenly expect him to change everything - that has to come from him.

You will only make yourself miserable and frustrated trying to change him.

Thanks for this!

This is actually one of the issues.

We eat at home 5 days a week and eat very healthy home made food. We also don't drink at home.

When I say we eat out a lot maybe 1-4 times a week depending what's on. Like today he's got a work lunch pretty sure he had one yesterday too and then we were away at the weekend so eat out a few times. I feel like that's a lot though?

So he thinks everything is fine because we don't drink at home and we do eat healthy. But it's just not enough.

I think the key question is do you love him? You don't sound as if you do.

It's not normal - it's normalised

Eating out 4 times a week is extreme. It’s no use saying that you eat at home 5 times a week - that still leaves 2/7 of the week where you’ve normalised over-indulgence.

Absolutely agree with you. Thank you. I definitely can look at this and make changes easily 💚

Yes! But I do feel like I'm falling out of love with him over this. He's a great husband, supportive, does a lot around the house and a lot of fun.

I'm struggling that he's not like me.

If I got a diagnosis like this it was rock my world and I'd be super proactive. But he's not me and I'm struggling with that.

How much older is he?

For me it'd be less about the shape but his eating and drinking habits. An older man and he's still binge drinking once a week like a teenager? Total turn off. I'd tell him to grow up. He either changes his habits or walks away, simples.

I’d be honest and say if things don’t change I’m leaving. Overweight people are unhealthy and very unattractive imo.

I'd be very honest - "I love you but I'm not currently physically attracted to you - and it's about to end our relationship. I am so, so, sorry. I really do love you but your beer habit and our regular eating out and (probably) snacking need to be calmed for a while so other things can improve. Honestly - I really, REALLY do love you "name of person" - so if I change the shopping and take charge of cooking for a while, can you cope a change of diet and curb your beer diet to improve this? "

Im 6 years older than my better half and quite active. However i just injured my shoulder and wont be able to do any of my normal exercise for 6 months. Therefore high chance of getting some curves before im fixed!

i brought a decent home trainer (bike) that connects to an ipad with app so i can cycle through different countries. Thought i would hate it but its actually been really good! And now DW uses it regularly too as jogging outside in the dark winter evenings is not so nice.

maybe an option?

You need to talk to him.

His drinking habits are unhealthy and a major risk factor for liver disease, heart disease, stroke and cancer. The fact that nothing has visibly gone wrong yet doesn't mean that everything is fine.

A liver function test might be an eye opener for him.

Do you apply that same standard to people who are underweight? Do you find them equally unattractive?

I do.
Fit and healthy is what I find attractive.
But overweight was the thread topic.

I’m glad people are being kind to you op, I had a thread on here many years ago about my partner who has a BMI of 35. I got absolutely roasted then doxxed afterwards. I didn’t pull the thread as I felt deserved all the bad things people said to me. I no longer said anything to him about his weight. He gained more weight and has developed high blood pressure and high cholesterol, he has problems with his feet and is pre-diabetic, he now has erectile dysfunction, he struggles on stairs and has depression. Luckily he had to go to a doctors early this year ( for non weight related issue) and the doctor told he will die before he’s 50. He’s started on Mounjaro, blood pressure and cholesterol tablets. I used to be scared I’d walk in on him dead in bed. It’s a slippery slope and I’m glad you’ve identified it and you’re trying to help him before it goes any further.
Have to be honest that I find my partner very feminine since he’s become morbidly obese, he has more curves than me and I still struggle with attraction. I gained a stone after my second baby and he restricted my food and made me join a gym so it works both ways for us.

Ok fair enough

I find a lot of people admonish the overweight but would still date a very skinny person.