Husband beer belly and losing respect

[frus]

My husband is quite a bit older than me - we've been together 7 years.

He has a beer belly that makes him look pregnant, he has high cholesterol, and is pre diabetic.

He has not changed his lifestyle at all. He still drinks too much imo. If we go for dinner he always orders a beer no matter what day or time it is and we eat out a lot. He also binge drinks once a week on a night out. He can't see the issue.

He lightly exercises but he does have the time to really throw himself at something like running but instead just does this light amount of exercise that will never make a difference.

I'm starting to lose respect for him. I find the beer belly unattractive and I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would not like it if I was overweight or beer belly.

He won't communicate about it and he thinks I'm nagging.

I don't want to be intimate either.

Please any advice?

Surely he can’t drink that much beer and it all be a beer belly.
once a week drinking and one beer if you go for a meal ?
what are the rest of his eating habits like. ?
is it double triple portions ? Is it fatty creamy buttery food ?

Sounds like a whole lifestyle you would be asking him to change . Some people are happy this way.
I see it as the health worry also seperate fro. How he looks .
Although someone who is greedy and slobby with food and doesn’t care for themselves would put me off them too. As a side from too much beer which changes his shape and expects you still find that attractive.

Was he always like this ? Has he changed or have you ?

Your last sentence is shocking .
Can you imagine if you did that with him .
Im sorry you had a hard time on here previously

If you’re not happy you are allowed to leave . Your life and choices .

Honestly I think you should leave .
i think you are miserable.
You tried he didn’t listen.

This is effecting every area of your life.
You are a young women don’t waste your life.

What would you all say if a man wrote this posy?? The same? I think not...you would be saying 'leave him if he doesn't like the way you look'
Double standards I think !!!!!!

I don’t think being greedy and lazy with your health is attractive I’m a male or female.

We do all know that women grow and birth children . Our bodies will never be as pre birth
There is a period of time needed to be mum and care for baby before worrying about our bodies .
So yes men can’t be hard on women in those circumstances. .

Obesity and over indulging health related problems are not attractive in anyone .

But a bloke saying he wasn’t happy with his fat wife would only be handed his arse on here by overweight people feeling a bit defensive and trying to normalise that everyone should be ok with finding overweight people attractive.

Facts remain though that most people are not physically attracted to fat people.
Those of a healthy weight would just read it and think “yup, that’s totally fair, just leave her” but not bother to reply.

The thing is nowadays we are supposed to pretend that body shape doesn’t matter and that it’s shallow to be turned off if your partner piles on weight and you don’t like it. Fact is it’s turning you off.

I would seriously cut out all the eating out right now. Eating at home means you can set the level of healthy eating far easier than you can in a restaurant.

Obviously don’t be mean or nasty to your dh, keep it more about health rather than aesthetics but if he doesn’t take it on board you may have to be less subtle.

One of my friends was involved with a man a few years ago. They were both in their early 40's. My friend needed to lose weight and so did he. Both of them have a big build. My friend said to him one I think we both need to lose some weight as due to our ages so we don't end up with health issues like diabetes. His attitude was so what if I get diabetes.
Him and her split up after this but they remained friends.

My friend decided to join slimming world and start to do a bit of walking. Back then my friend was very unfit then and would be breathing heavily after 10 mins of a walk. She started to build up her walking over the space of a few weeks and then joined a gym. She lost a few stone.
Earlier this year she noticed that her weight had gone up a bit and she was not eating as well or doing that much exercise. She went back to slimming world. She did more exercise as well. Since then she lost 3 stone and is now at a weight she has not been in 20 years. She wants to lose a bit more. She recently saw a photo taken of her 10 years ago and she is about 5 to 6 stone thinner now. She was abroad this year and had no problem with walking 20,000 steps a day.

She is still in contact with her ex. He never lost the weight. He was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He has had problems with this. He also has high blood pressure and has ended up in hospital due to a very high blood pressure reading and feeling rotten when this happens.
He also has sleep apona and needs to wear a thing at night to deal with this. His hip is giving him trouble as well. He is now on ozepic and has lost some weight.
He quality of life is far less than other men of his age due to his weight.

My friend is glad she lost the weight when she sees all that her ex is dealing with now. She found slimming world good as she could eat plenty of good food and using her syns each day she could have some chocolate so she did not feel deprived.

I know it's not an easy subject to bring up with a man but mention all the things the man above has and ask is this what they want. Ask him do you expect me to bring you to all the hospital appointments and the diabetes clinic? Ask him does he want to be checking his blood sugers several times a day, eating a limited diet and eating at the same time each day?
Ask him do you want to lose a limb as this can happen with some diabetics.

I remember seeing a program on the BBC a while ago about diabetes and all the problems it causes. It might be on the BBC I player and it's worth watching to see what can happen. If you can find it show it to your oh and ask is this what you want.

Now come on, it is totally different for a woman. They are "big and beautiful" and have "big personalities" and " all the right shapes in all the right places". Big is celebrated in women, the only thing "big" that is celebrated in men is "bank balance".

What to do ? He's probably not going to change and, of course, you deserve that six foot plus man with than six figure bank balance who "holidays on the Greek islands on Bank Holidays" with that perfect, washboard stomach. He never ages and never puts any weight on.

The problem is the competition is fierce, but don't worry - according to the films he's out there waiting in his Mercedes.

Go get him......

It’s very hard to influence someone to care about their health if they are the type to bury their heads in the sand. Sometimes it takes a health scare, a heart attack or something else but even then some people won’t change. I’ve spent years trying to give health advice as a nurse and it’s incredibly challenging. My advice would be to try writing him a letter. People often listen more to something they’ve seen written down, it shocks them and they have time to digest it. Tell him his health is already being affected by his lifestyle (pre diabetic/ high cholesterol) and it is just a matter of time before something bad happens. Living with ill health is miserable. It’s worth a try.

My wife has put weight on and won’t put the doughnuts down. I find her unattractive and don’t want sex with her anymore.

If the love is only skin deep leave him. You can’t pressure him to look a certain way for you.

hahaha brilliant.

I'm so glad people have mentioned the usual MN double standards on here.

Can you imagine if this was a man.

Interestingly, nearly twice as many woman are morbidly obese than men.

But, when a man stores the majority of his body far around his abdomen, ie a beer belly, then it presents a higher risk of heart disease than if it was stored more evenly around his body. A spouse will generally mimic his or her spouses lifestyle ie diet and exercise, so if he sees you eating healthily and working out then it will motivate his to do the same.

I really dislike the whataboutery on mumsnet. I’m sure there is a man somewhere who might be unhappy with his wife’s weight. But he’s not posting here so his hypothetical thoughts are irrelevant.

I also posted here years ago about my ex husband becoming morbidly obese and was told I was shallow and i remember one poster who was overweight really laying into me. My ex husband also had high blood pressure and other health related issues and was absolutely furious I didn’t find him attractive.

After we divorced he had a stroke and I’m glad I got out when I did so I didn’t have to look after him.

In my experience once you've started to lose respect for a spouse it's incredibly difficult if not impossible to get that respect back or maintain the relationship, eventually it turns into contempt.

I don't always think this is eating out , it's maybe what he's picking or having a couple of courses every time.

If he always goes for pasta , pizzas , creamy sauces etc it's going to pile on the flab a lot more than grilled meat and veg with flatbreads etc - beer though is a real biggie,

Normalised maybe, but doesn't need to be the 'normal'

DH and I have a similar age gap and I love that he is conscious of keeping good habits to stay healthy. I don’t want to be on my own at 60 over something that could be preventable.
He eats well (although definitely has a passion for a breakfast roll!), drinks infrequently, exercises 4/5 times a week and it’s not vanity, just he wants to be around for a long time.

This is brilliant! Thank you

We actually eat pretty healthy when we go out. A lot of Middle Eastern food, salads, meats - it's the beer 🍻 and lack of exercise/meaningful exercise.

We don't eat pizza or pasta or fast food pretty much ever.

The side of fries could go 😅

This is the quality I wish my husband possessed

This is my point! It's more about health and actually being attractive for your spouse.

But I know my DH has a certain standard he would like me to keep for him too so it's definitely a factor.

Mostly I don't want him to die or be lumbered as his carer when I'm still in my 40s

Mostly I don't want him to die or be lumbered as his carer when I'm still in my 40s

You should consider separating. His health conditions will only get worse. You’re not attracted to him so the marriage isn’t going to last. Don’t feel guilty, he made his choice and that was to not care about his health or how it affects you.

I could not stay with someone who does not get the importance of staying active and eating a healthy diet.

He is putting his health at risk and also making himself very unattractive.

A grown man should not need to be told these things.

I am not a big fan of relationships with a much older partner I must say because as you are discovering if they just refuse to take their health seriously you are going to end up as their carer while still in the prime of your life...

@frus beer is the absolute killer - my 26 year old son lost a lot of weight really quickly when he switched to wine twice a week only and ditched the beer

Room for a rowing machine, would he use it? Completely transformed my H's gut. Concept2 is very addictive, I used to love mine.