Husband beer belly and losing respect

[frus]

My husband is quite a bit older than me - we've been together 7 years.

He has a beer belly that makes him look pregnant, he has high cholesterol, and is pre diabetic.

He has not changed his lifestyle at all. He still drinks too much imo. If we go for dinner he always orders a beer no matter what day or time it is and we eat out a lot. He also binge drinks once a week on a night out. He can't see the issue.

He lightly exercises but he does have the time to really throw himself at something like running but instead just does this light amount of exercise that will never make a difference.

I'm starting to lose respect for him. I find the beer belly unattractive and I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would not like it if I was overweight or beer belly.

He won't communicate about it and he thinks I'm nagging.

I don't want to be intimate either.

Please any advice?

I'm struggling that he's not like me.

This line stands out to me. You want him to change who he is to be more like you and that’s not going to happen. He is co who he is, you can talk to him but you can’t control him.

I'm so sorry you went through that and by the sounds of it still are going through that.

Do you have any regrets not saying anything? What would you have done differently? 🫶🏼

That's why I wrote it.

I know he's not me and that's why I think I might be the problem? Am I expecting too much? Are my expectations out of whack?

It's just one element of my frustration that he isn't acting how I would. Which I'm completely aware is not good! 😌

This made me laugh thank you 🤭

You're aware it's not just beer that causes a beer belly, right? Men collect fat in different areas to women, mainly around the belly, so it's not just alcohol.

If this was a bloke writing about a woman, they'd get the arse handed to them by the way, however you get told to leave in the first reply or so, baffles me! 🤣

If you are otherwise happy in your relationship, if he's a good man etc, then look at ways outside of just drinking to reign things back in. Less eating out, more walking to places etc. Maybe look at diet as a whole, not just alcohol ( unless he's a bad drunk and the weight is just a side issue, of course)

You’re not being unreasonable to have a conversation with him telling him how you feel but you’re being very controlling if you expect him to change who he is to be more like what you want him to be.

I do regret not saying anything as he’s now so unfit he can’t play football with my son.
The resounding opinion on my thread was that it was his body, his choice, however, his choices have had consequences for the whole family as we’ve lost his income (he’s back in work now but had to stop for awhile due to back pain caused by his weight), our relationship has suffered, I’m still in 30’s and I had imagined having an active partner. I regret that his health got to the point it did. I don’t what the right answer is. He took a very brutal approach to my weight gain and it was very painful to hear but I don’t think my approach of very occasionally encouragement to go to the doctors worked either!!!

14 years 😅

I agree it is a total turn off and I hate being around him when he does binge.

I don’t think drinking at work lunches is great behaviour these days - it sounds like he has pretty dated views on acceptable drinking.

being overweight is a taboo subject but the issue here is basic human desire. If you don’t desire him and he isn’t making an effort to attract you then it isn’t going to work. Can you have a frank chat about health rather than weight and say you want to have long happy lives together - the reality is men do start falling apart in their 50-60s if they haven’t got on top of alcohol by then.

You could watch that binge drinking programme that was on the bbc (I think) the other day together.

Drinking to that extent (at lunchtime?? Getting drunk regularly??) would horrify me and strongly suggests lack of control over himself (however he might be trying to spin it as 'normal' and 'sociable fun' (and I bet some if his mates are quietly a bit )

For me the drinking would be the main issue because although too many pies are unhealthy, pastry is not in and of itself a mind-altering carcinogenic neurotoxin. And alcohol is.

But with the diabetes his diet and inactivity are also adding greatly to the risk. He needs to understand he has, sadly, a life threatening condition and horrible though it is he has a choice to accept the un appealing treatment ie change of lifestyle, or carry on on a journey that you are unwilling to accompany him on.

Perhaps you could show him some pictures of diabetic foot ulcers. My boozing diabetic dad had several toes amputated, was very lame from nerve damage, and starting to lose continence (used to shit himself) and cognitive function before the stroke that carried him off.

Does he really want this for himself?

Eating out up to 4 times a week is very excessive to me.

It’s the eating out that’s most likely the issue. When you look at the calorie count on meals out it’s actually pretty easy to eat an entire days worth of calories in one meal. If you’re doing that multiple times a week it’s going to make losing weight really difficult unless he’s very strict about what he orders.

I would not consider a beer belly a "fairly normal shape for an older man" but it has become normalised, as another poster has pointed out.

How old is he OP? 50s? 60s?

Take out a really generous life insurance policy on him, and let him get on with it.

I was thinking this as well. Sometimes my internal thoughts about DH's growing belly are less than kind, then I imagine what MN would say if a man wrote a thread complaining about his wifes body and it's enough to make me stop being a judgemental cow even inside my own brain.

The trouble is OP is you can start trying to manage the situation with fewer meals out, reviewing his diet, suggesting tweaks etc but it he doesn't want to change he won't. I radicalised out household during the pandemic, working with DH as we were both getting a bit wider than necessary. Thought we were in it together but it turned out when doing the weekly shop he'd have a meal deal, or stop at a drive through etc. He also took to drinking after I'd gone to bed which really wasn't great. Made me realise though that people will be how they want to be, change has to come from them. Trying to force it is exhausting and in my experience won't work.

So true. You’re supposed to pretend not to notice and to be okay with it or you’re ‘fat shaming’! Very hard if you feel disgusted.

I’ve noticed a recent sea change where people have been allowed to say they find obesity unattractive on here when I posted my thread about my partner 6 years ago we were at the height of body positivity and I was made to feel awful for not finding him attractive. I don’t think it should be something you should find attractive a massive gut and inability to climb stairs without getting out of breath.

If you make this about his weight and appearance then you are being an arse. You can be concerned about his diagnosis and health, but you need to separate it from how he looks if you dont want to sound shallow and self centred. If my partner tried to threaten me by telling me I was fat and ugly to them I wouldn't be inspired to change, I'd just be totally done with the relationship.

I’d find this really unattractive too OP. Gluttony is not attractive. Once in a while not a problem but 4 times a week is excessive. Also a big beer gut is not a normal shape for an older man.

“Normal” is not always optimal or even desirable.

High infant mortality rates in some parts of the world are normal.

OP how old is he? My husband is “older” but doesn’t suffer from the beer belly or health issues. He did get overweight for a period when he worked away from home and ate/drank out every night though.

Getting fat when older isn’t normal.

It always amazes me how many people stop making an effort when they get married. Both men and woman. Obesity is a big problem in this country.

There is no need for anyone, man or woman to let themselves go and then if they have to not want to do anything about it.

I would give him an ultimatum, shape up or ship out!

As for the poster saying it's a normal
body shape, no it's not!