It’s all too fast, I’m overwhelmed

[KateSpade1234]

27 female here. Met a guy online, went out for a nice meal Friday dinner. He came up to my house briefly and we kissed. He was a gentleman and went home after.

didn’t met on Saturday but on the phone all day (6hours) talking about everything and anything.

met up Sunday evening for dinner and chilled. We fooled around a bit but he didn’t want to go any further. He wanted to make sure it’s done properly. I was in agreement. Talked all night too.

I drove him back home Monday (35 miles apart) and I worked from home at his house.l and went out for dinner again on Monday and I stayed over on Monday night. Fooled around a bit and kissed a lot but again nothing further than that. Agreed this is too soon to do that.

He had a hard life, terrible family situation and had some tough times but now doing well for himself. Stating his own busines. My life is more stable, goal oriented and good family. he said he’s grateful I’m letting him experience fine dinning, great banter, good humour and he feels very happy.

its been 4 days and he asked if we are considered going out over text. I said we are dating and going on dates and see where things go. I said this means we are free to date other people. He said he doesn’t wanna see other people and the vibe I got was he’s keen on us heading to exclusivity and gf/bf route.

he admitted to me he matched me the dating app due to boredom and was just swiping but wasn’t expecting to turn out to be so happy. He said he has girls on the app and Snapchat ‘on demand’ when he’s horny and didn’t wanna actually see anyone and meet up with anyone. But he said meeting me is so different and he’s not looking for short term anymore. He wants long term now.

im really overwhelmed. I like him but at the same time this is tooo soon. I feel pressured. And I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know what I want now. I don’t want one night stands or FWB. But I wanna date and see. Don’t wanna say for definite whereas I can tell he is keen.

also, he is handsome and gyms a lot so physique wise he looks great! So I don’t know what my problem is… just feel overwhelmed all of a sudden after he messaged me this this morning.

I think this is too soon. I wanna pull back a bit now… what do you guys think?

That anyone who refers to having'on demand' women is a massive creep and you should RUN

Also he's love bombing you

RUN

Yeah, I agree it's lovebombing and a big red flag.

The whole, I wasn't looking for this, but you're different, talking long-term, etc. all part of the lovebombing.

You can be exclusive and take it chill. I wouldn't what to invest emotional energy in someone for whom I was just an option.

You're not marrying or moving in with the guy. Just committing to not looking elsewhere.

You've seen a lot of him quickly. Why not say you're interested but just see each other a couple of times a week for a bit to see how it develops? The other women 'on tap' would give me the ick.

I think you can just be honest and say you’re not sure.

But also I would try not to feel too overwhelmed / committed about any agreement that you might make. If you both stopped messaging / meeting others and after a few weeks it wasn’t working out it’s no biggie. This is how relationships generally worked pre-internet.

@Icedlatteplease This. He is reasonable to expect some form of exclusivity at the stage even. You kissed and fooled. How would you feel if he was kissing and fooling with someone else? Hopefully he doesn't mean exclusive to the point of no conversation elsewhere.

The Snapchat thing is very open of him to discuss with you. You need to make your own mind in how that makes you feel, and how you might feel if things were to develop.

Be aware that he may be love bombing, but also he may just be into you. Ultimately he needs to respect the pace you want to go and measure his behaviour towards you appropriately. For him to do that you need to communicate clearly and openly. If he can't/ won't respect that then there is a red flag. If he does then it may just be you have captured him in some way.

It sounds like you are very undecided. You need to look at yourself and ask what you are really looking for. If you were very clear on that you might find this decision easier.

I’m cool with just dating and see. I’m enjoying the chat but won’t be sad or have any emotions when it doesn’t work out. I’m cool with this. I’m chill, happy being single anyway. No rush.

it’s him who asked me this morning. I sensed that he wants to commit more and is asking if we are considered seeing each other.

he said he doesn’t wanna see other people.

he said he admit this is too soon. I said talk another time and not over text.

that’s where I left it.

I’m scared he’s on a different page. I think we are on a different page now. And I’m not catching up.

What’s the purpose of love bombing me? I don’t get it..

For me personally, asking to go exclusive at this stage wouldn't be a problem. It doesn't mean you have to rush in other ways. But if it's not what you want then maybe he isn't the man for you.

He is a manipulator, most likely very good at it through his childhood unfortunately they build it up as a survival technique. There is red flags and I mean multiple

First and foremost, I'd stop having men you don't know from a hole in the wall at your house, or going to theirs.

But agree, all far too fast and too much. You're not comfortable, so back off. If he really is a gentleman, this will be fine. If he shows that he's not, then leave him to it.

A few questions from me:

Does he drive?
are you better paid than him?

My advice is cool it off and stick to dating. Working from his house after 3 days is ridiculous and comfortable couple territory and definitely gives off relationship vibes rather than exciting dating

I think you're starting to feel uncomfortable for a reason. Listen to your gut instinct.

There's nothing wrong with him asking about exclusivity - but also nothing wrong with you say that you just want to date and see where it goes.

He is love bombing I think - why? Because then you'll think more of him and the "relationship"(not that it even is one yet) that is actually the case.

Also the thing about having girls "on demand" would give me the creeps and is a red flag in itself. He's literally telling you what he thinks of women in general.

The hills are this way >>>>>>>>

If I were at the stage where I'd seen someone a couple of times and we were fooling around then I'd want to make sure going forward they weren't fooling around with anyone else. That's just me - I
don't want to invest emotion and energy in something that the other person isn't taking at least a bit seriously. I think he's fair enough to ask that. It doesn't mean you have to go at 500 miles an hour.

I think it's been a very intense four days and on that basis, an assumption that it's relatively exclusive is not, in itself, weird. Doesn't mean you're in a serious relationship.

Having said that, I think it's okay for you to feel pressured. When he stayed over and you then spent the day at his, did you want to do that or did it feel uncomfortable and like he was pressuring you?

Also, be very very careful about any man who is already telling you about his terrible childhood and how much you are giving him all the good things in life - it's been four days and THAT is the red flag in your OP that freaks me out the most.

Life will turn out much better when you learn to trust your instincts.

In your post title you say "overwhelmed".

Elsewhere you say "I feel pressured".
Those are two feelings telling you that this situation is potentially dangerous, that you feel you are losing autonomy after only three dates.

It doesn't matter what strangers on the Internet say. It matters that you trust yourself and listen to the warnings that your emotions are trying to send you.

He sounds bad news to me. But feeling pressured and overwhelmed is not the start of any healthy relationship

Wait what... Women on demand for when he is horny .. holy moly that is gross! I would dump him just for that comment let alone that is what he does in his spare time

Trust your instincts. Neither of you know one another well enough to make any relationship decisions. There's a reason he's so intense and undiscerning...he's not emotionally mature. He's thinking about what you can do for him and not the other way round.

ok… let me rephrase.

he messaged me this morning asking “what we are considered doing” I said “we are dating/ going on dates and see where it leads”

he then asked what that means. I then said he is free to see other people.

He said he’s a guy so doesn’t understand what that means so he asked me to explain further.

I said until we are stable then I’d consider exclusivity.

he then said he doesn’t wanna see other people and he wanted me to know he only wants to see me. He admitted to being too soon.

in terms of working at his place.. it just happened due to yellow warning weather. The day was chill, I didn’t feel pressured at all.

I only felt pressured after this message earlier.

maybe I used the wrong word… not like on demand. But he was on the app for fun. Then he enjoyed our time together and told me he is not looking for that. He is keen to work towards exclusivity.

ok.. some mixed messages here. Some say exclusivity ok at this stage and some say run for the hills. I’m so confused now.

Apart from the possibility of love bombing the part that stuck out in your post to me was ' he is grateful your letting him experience fine dining ' are you always paying?

You think—with one part if your brain—that since he was “a perfect gentleman “ while you fooled around that he is demonstrating something safe. But you do not have real knowledge of this person and all of this “I want to be sure” could just be the way he hunts his prey. I think your own instincts, your body, your lizard brain does not feel safe. Trust your instincts. Read Gavin deBecker’s The Gift of Fear and stop bringing casual dates back to fool around. Really dangerous behavior on your part. Four dates and long phone calls are not enough information.

@KateSpade1234 So you met him for the first time on Friday night and on the Monday you are WFH from his house??? Regardless, you don't even sound like you like him that much. These two comments rang alarm bells for me:

'He had a hard life, terrible family situation and had some tough times but now doing well for himself. Starting his own business'

'He said he’s grateful I’m letting him experience fine dinning'

Does he actually have an income though? As in, has the business actually taken off and he's earning money from it? Because this screams of him being unemployed and you paying for everything.

Also

'he is handsome and gyms a lot so physique wise he looks great! So I don’t know what my problem is…'

What's that got to do with anything?! Almost sounds like you feel like you have to fancy him because of his looks? You've said you feel overwhelmed and rushed but because he 'looks good' you should be ok with it?!

This stood out for me too....

Also 'he is starting his own business'

Uh huh.....

No, he paid 60-70% and I paid 30-40%

so half and half with him paying a bit more.

See him once or twice a week and reassess in a few weeks time. Knock the six hour calls on the head.